I still need a beta-reader, I am no english native speaker! I apologise for all mistakes!

I have this fanfiction in mind, since I first heard a certain song. … I couldn't but think of those two. …

Him, leaning over the only one in his life since then… The other one, underneath. Looking at him, so coldly…

Here's a lullaby to close your eyes…

My primary inspiration is Akira Yamaoka's "Room of Angel" (Silent Hill 4: The Room OST)

My other one is Amano Tsukiko's "Koe" (Fatal Frame III: The Tormented OST).

Those are great songs with great lyrics!

Story Title:

I despise you

Summary:

Hibari despises Mukuro for many reasons. Until one day he realises, why that is, that this is not even important after what happened and wants to keep those memories dear to not lose any of them. Otherwise Mukuro would be gone without a trace.

Disclaimer:

I don't own KHR noe any of it's charakters. All belongs to Akira Amano.

Warnings:

Character Death !

Hinted Hibari x Mukuro (No Sex, dear fangirls, only apathic drama…)

It was always you that I despised…

Rain poured down, the ground was soaked. A raven haired boy, apparently not older than 17, maybe 16, knelt on the ground. His clothing was all wet, the white chemise clung to his skin as if it's life would depend on not letting go of the youth's body.

The cold stung and the fabric felt like equipped with thousands of micro barbs on the inside that were getting caught in his skin.

The situation felt … It felt like nothing and everything en masse, pain, apathy, hate, carelessness, ire, coldness, dissapointment. … Altogehter. … Not compatible in one single head.

Lightning flashed across the horizon, a low thunder followed a few seconds after. It fell on deaf ears.

Around the boy, there was a big amount of blood, already fading with the clearing ability of rain. Sun broke through, causing a few drops, ready to fall from small leaves and blades of grass, drops of thin red. A beautiful scene, drop-dead beautiful and also uncredibly, unimaginably painful.

There were no tears.

The wind was dancing around, forcing flora to move, cradling with the slight rhythm of world's breath. Clouds were welling up, closing the cracks the sun was able to slip through, darkening the place around again in a sad monochrome atmosphere. Hibari felt a drop on his skin. He knew one thing for sure. The Clouds were crying. … This was no rain. … These were tears.

Finally, the Boy lift a hand, lying it on the cheek of a limp body before him. The gently closed eyelids fluttered a little before finally opening. A smile built on the pale boy's lips, lying in front of the raven haired.

Both were deathly silent.

A moment like this was not supposed to be crashed by something indelicate like spoken words. It was enough that he was there, silently before him.

The water droplets from the sky fell on the second boy's face, wetting him again, more than he had already been. … If Hibari had been emotional he had considered this water on the other's face as tears he himself was not able to cry. But even if he had been able to feel at this moment, there would have been a general doubt that these tears had any speacial meaning to him in any way.

Slowly, the raven boy moved his thumb on his opposite's cheek, unconsciously trying to calm him, trying to ease the obvious pain that was tormenting the body before him, giving him just a small amount of love that neither of them had ever received before.

The lying boy, hair in black, only a slight hint of blue in it that now appeared more purple because of the added red shade of blood on it, sighed in comfort, giving a relaxed, happy smile for the first time in his entire life. This was it, what it seemed… He felt like he did not deserve it, but now, there was nothing he could do.

He simply decided to keep this memory until the very end of his existance.

Mukuro caughed weakly, now starting to grin twisted again, maybe not knowing what was going to happen. … Or, on the other hand, because of his past five experiences, he knew it all to well and was just waiting for the pain to fade.

The cold body relaxed completely, the smile vanished only hardly perceivable and the anyhow apathic eyes looked directly into the Cloud Guardian's, as they finally lost all of their life in it.

Hibari, his expression blank as if nothing had happened, as if he would meet him on the next day again, kiss him again, hit him again any time he wants to, any time, he needs to, as if everything was like it had been before, moved his hand from the soft, wet cheek that was still showing rain drops that were running down is if they were tears and finally closed his eyes.

The rain was not heavy, nor was it light, the water was just constantly falling down.

Thunder growled again, wide away. The weather played a meldody as if to say goodbye…

Hibari wrapped his arms around the dead body and pulled it from his lap higher into a full embrace. First, undescribably gentle, then he stabbed his finger nails into his back, ripping his jacket apart, and biting him hard.

He despised him. He despised him, this herbivore! For being weak, for being here, for lying in his arms, sleeping there after a tiring fight, not able to get up on his own, to walk back on his own, only to collapse at home right into the soft bed sheets, to get undressed by his Hibari and to lie there until sleep would overcome them. No, this herbivore was lying there, cold and wet and sleeping!

Hibari felt something inside him, that was so incredible, so painul and confusing so that he bit down harder, breaking the skin on Mukuro's shoulder until his sharp teeth met the bone and this stupid herbivore did not even twitch in pain!

Oh how much he despised him!

The lullaby the weather played for them grew louder. The clouds were angry.

"You know, little skylark. Clouds are nothing else as mist, only high in the sky. So we are the same. We belong to each other."

…These had been his words…

Insignificant. … Those words. So insignificant but nested deep inside of him, sleeping there until those words would wake up again, trying to cause him to feel again. Just like they did once before. Freeing him from his childhood game of hide and seek without anyone searching for him. … In the closet. Underground. In the woods. Over the hills and far beyond, fading like a cloud gone with the wind.

Who would search for clouds? … So who would search for him?

…Has… Mukuro ever searched for him? … Has he been.. happy with him? Or did he smile before he fell asleep, because now, he had not to go home with him?

The raven haired boy looked back into the past, without even noticing, letting pass by their happy times, their bad times, their fights and their heated reunification, their laughs, the way they stilled their blood lust. … If he had been the one falling alseep forever… He himself had not missed himself at all. … What was about Mukuro? Had the only one he held dear missed him? Would have he been sad? Would have he cried? Or screamed? Would he have felt anything? … Was he angry that Hibari could not feel anything at the moment? … Or.. ever at all?

Even if this were the case, Hibari would never apology.

A lightning cracked the horizon and the storm was coming closer again. The young boy finally let the body sink down on his lap again, stroking the wound, licking the blood from his lips, expression still blank.

The rain was falling down in still the same intensity as before, Hibari shoved the body away and got up.

"Oya, herbivore!" he shouted at him. "Get up, we have to go home! You know how fast I catch a cold!"

…

No response.

Hibari gritted his bloody teeth and kicked him hard. "Get up, herbivore, or I will leave you behind! You know that I don't care!" Even though his voice was filled with ire, hate, pain and dissapontment all at once, his face showed nothing more thatn clodness and carelessness.

Hibari was apathic. … And inside, there was a surpressed agony, welling up and welling up but not breaking through. … An agony that always had been there. … That had ever been surpressed, since then…

"If you were like me, my dear Illusionist of the mist, you would be able to get up and come home with me!", he yelled, kicking him once again, before snorting and bending down. The droplets falling off his raven hair wetted the closed eyelids once more, pretending the apprearance of tears one last time.

The slender fingers of the fighter took one of Mukuro's Piercings and ripped it off. Without thinking twice he stabbed his ear with the dirty trident and put the small metal piece into it.

… It was some kind of illusion. He hoped he could hear his lover's calming voice, when he would fall asleep this night, for the first time alone for so long now. … Without a warm body next to him, without a warm arm wrapped around him when he was tormented by nightmares… No calming kisses on his neck and no whispers anymore. … At least he wanted to keep the illusion and pretend to hear his voice by touching the piercing and pretending to hear his voice by remembering all the things he had once said.

As he dropped his hand again from his now bloody ear, it shivered. … It took control over his body and he imagined him, kicking his dead one and only precious person.

"I… I did not mean to hurt you, Mukuro…" he whispered, without even opening his mouth properly. It was enough that Hibari knew that he never meant to hurt him.

Without turning around, he left.

"I despise you" was written with Mukuro's blood all over his own torso.