Disclaimer: I do not own any of Dc Comics.
Chapter 1: The Man Of Steel?
It was a short period of time after Lex and Darkseid had disappeared. All of Darkseid's forces were gone and the Earth was a friendly place again. The Justice League realized that they made a mistake by letting those villains get a "head start." Most of them are still at large.
We join the many heroes at the Watchtower. Superman took the most responsibility for defeating Darkseid and Lex. Glory was Clark's way of life, even if it was a load of bullshit. Batman is sitting in his room at the Watchtower watching the news.
Anchorman: So Superman you single-handedly defeated the evil Darkseid?
Superman: Yes, it was easy. All I did was use Lex as a pawn to distract him and BAM, I zoomed in and obliterated them from the universe.
Anchorman: Well you heard it from the man of steel himself, the threat is over, all thanks to him.
Batman could not bear to watch another second, he flipped off the TV. He was actually feeling quite depressed. Superman taking glory, but he was a nothing hero. Batman ignored the thoughts of suicide and reached for the phone.
One hour later Dianna was passing Batman's room, a horrible smell was emitting itself from the doors, and puffs of smoke leaked through the bottom of his door.
"Batman?" she said knocking. "Are you okay?" she said again. She waited for a response, but got a chilly silence. "That's it I'm coming in!" she said thrusting open his door.
Once she did so all she found was Batman with a group of at least six other men. They were all passing around a hand-rolled joint, puffing marijuana out of it.
"What the fuck are you doing!" she yelled.
"Yo, relax Wonderlady I was just relaxin with my friends from downtown Gotham." Batman said slowly, he seemed confused. It was obvious he was stoned because his speech was limited and slurred.
"All of you get out!" she said.
"How, we are like in space." One man grunted.
"Just walk to the nearest pod and wait for me there, I will be there to give you all a stern lecture in a minute." Dianna told the men as they got there belongings and stepped out the door.
"What happened to my frien-" Batman started.
But before Batman could say a word Dianna slapped him.
"You dick, what the hell were you thinking." She said in a pissed off tone.
"Y'know, I is never gonna be as good a superhero as Superguy. So I like got sad, but now I'm fine." Batman said.
"Look, Superman is a retard, we were thinking of kicking him out, but our publicity would go to hell, he isn't a hero, he is… he is, well I have no idea what he is, but drowning yourself in drugs won't make him go away." Dianna said walking out.
She went into a space pod and began to lecture the other men as she promised.
Downtown Metropolis
Superman left the Daily Planet, where his interview was held, he flew through the window and was joined in the sky by Green Lantern.
"Oh hey GL." Superman said.
"Damn bitch, you ain't gonna take da credit. We all helped foo." GL said real fast.
"Okay. What is your point?" Superman said.
"Oh hell no you didn't" GL said. "You wanna take dis to da street bitch, because I will fuck you up." GL said putting up his fists.
"Now, now GL, I don't want to embarrass you in publi-"Superman started, but suddenly hit his head on a passing pigeon.
Superman then passed out from the small blow he recived and fell straight to the ground. He lay there, stiff as a board. People ran to his aid, he was unconscious.
"Hey, it was Green Lantern, I saw him, he attacked Superman!" A civilian yelled.
"Yeah, yeah I saw it too." Another falsely agrred.
"Oh shit!" GL yelled flying away from all the blame.
An ambulance pulled up moments later and took the wounded hero to the hospital. After a Catscan they realized he had just some minor brain damage.
"So doc, am I okay?" Superman said cautiously.
"No, you have a rare Kryptonian disease, and well your going die."
"WHAT?!" Superman said getting scared.
"Ha-ha just kidding." The doctor said chuckling.
"Oh so I don't have a disease and I'm not going to die." Superman said seeing humor in it all.
"No you do a have disease, but you won't die." The doctor said.
"Oh." Superman said putting his head down and starting to cry.
"This disease will cause you to have a lot of random acts of stupidity." The doctor said.
Superman began to weep uncontrollably.
He then flew slowly through the air. He was still crying. He then yelled out to the whole city. "KILL ME!"
Then he made his way through space to deliver the news to his teammates. Halfway there he realized that he couldn't bare the embarrassment to tell the others and would keep his illness a secret. Once he got to the Watchtower he ran to his room, ignoring everybody, and dove into a pile of Teletubbys.
He began to cry. Still he knew blaming GL as everyone else did would be great. A pigeon defeating him, it was unheard of. He clicked his remote and his pink TV glowed with the news.
Anchorman: We received footage of Superman's accident, The Green Lantern was blamed for attacking the man of steel, this information leaked was false, a passing pigeon hit him on the head, rendering him unconscious and put him in the hospital, what we need to ask ourselves now is: Is he really the Man of Steel?
Tears formed in Superman's eyes and he let out a howl. Then he cried some more and cradled a picture of Lex in a heart shaped frame.
He always was acting weird after Lex vanished. He knew the only thing he could do after this pigeon accident, he was going to come out of the closet, on television.