A/N: Yup, this is a Shepp whump. Hopefully, I can do justice to the genre. It was Beta-ed by LoneRanger who ironically, laughed his ass off. But then, he's delusional, the crazy Canadian.

Gracias,

Sandy

Chapter 1

IT

John hacked his way through the thick tropical jungle of M53-DF6 with Rodney immediately behind, Teyla in the middle, and Lorne on their six. Teyla yelped when Rodney let a branch go smacking her in the face. She didn't bother to complain because it wouldn't have done any good. It was probably an accident and even if it wasn't, he wouldn't admit it or even understand why she was upset so…she kept quiet and vowed to be in front of the physicist on the return trip. She heard a snort and turned to see Lorne grinning at her. She gave him her best death glare, he chuckled and it made her smile ruefully back.

Moments later, a long green leaf slapped Rodney in the face showering him with water. "Hey! Watch it!" he shouted.

Sheppard turned around and gave him an innocent smile. The spark of humor in his eyes gave away that he'd done it on purpose. "Just showing you how it feels."

The physicist was wiping moisture from his face with his sleeves. "What are you talking about?"

Teyla broke in. "Never mind, John. It doesn't matter."

"Yes, it does." Almost to himself, he said, "I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat veggies…but I'm willing to make an exception." He hacked at the leaves and branches as he said this then scowled over his shoulder at the physicist. "What's the scanner say?"

Rodney rolled his eyes, ignoring his friend and brushed a hand through his hair to dislodge a few leaves that had stuck there. He took out his scanner and made another sweep of the area. "Again, nothing. Aside from that strange non-localized energy signature, it's just plants, trees and…" he ducked as a branch whipped over his head, "…more nothing as far as the eye can see…which isn't far. Whose idea was this anyway?"

"Woolsey's. Wanted us to check it out first hand. According to the MALP it's not in any one location."

"That's what non-localized means. And we didn't detect anything indicative of advance technology anywhere on this planet so naturally that means we have to tromp through a hot and humid jungle just to make absolutely certain it wasn't wrong." His sarcasm was almost as thick as the humidity. "Couldn't you have just had those Marines of yours cut us a path so we could use a Jumper?"

"No, we couldn't, Rodney. They have better things to do than make life easier for you." John paused a few heartbeats then added, "It's Bublanina night in the Mess Hall. Two flavors, cherry and blueberry."

Rodney snorted and lapsed into silence. Well, silence for him. He continued to scan and enter information into his computer while mumbling to himself. Something about sleeping better knowing there weren't any crystals growing out of the trees.

Lorne muttered something under his breath and Teyla snickered. When Rodney and John turned around, they looked back innocently then shared a smile before turning forward again. Not for the first time since they'd arrived on this tropical hell of a planet Lorne wished that Ronon hadn't gone off on a mission to check out a report of what could have been more of his people.

John gave a yelp as he tripped over a large root that crossed in front of him. He could have sworn it hadn't been there before. The others tittered as he climbed to his feet and brushed the dirt from his hands and his pants. With an annoyed gesture he picked up the machete and started forward again, hacking and cutting with impunity. He wacked off the blooms of a stand of flowers just for the heck of it then chopped through a thick vine that seemed to have appeared out of nowhere.

* * * * *

After what seemed like forever, they came to a clearing and John called a halt so they could rest, drink and have a snack. They took turns walking the perimeter of the rest area keeping watch.

Lorne peered into the dimness of the jungle then looked over his shoulder at his companions. Sheppard poured water on a towel then rubbed it around his neck, over his face and under the front collar of his BDU. Rodney was munching on his second power bar while he analyzed the data he'd collected and Teyla finished off a bottle of water. She took her jacket off and tied it around her waist leaving her arms and a few inches of midriff bare. Lorne spared her a glance then looked away so she wouldn't think he was staring. He was human, but those thoughts weren't the kind of thing to think about now. Turning his back to the forest he sighed while casually cradling his weapon in both hands.

Out in the jungle, unseen by the first humans ever to set foot on the planet, things were happening. Leaves rustled when there was no wind. Vines crept along the path, over and around branches and through the undergrowth at a greatly accelerated rate. No one would be able to mistake the movement for natural growth. Flowers turned in a new direction facing the strange sounds suddenly in their midst.

A rustling sound that was similar yet subtly different from what they'd come to think of as the "normal" sounds startled the Atlanteans. Lorne spun around, weapon raised, all casualness gone. The others followed suit.

"What was that?" Rodney asked with eyes wide.

John shushed him as he, Teyla and Rodney came to stand behind Lorne, each facing in a different direction, all senses on alert. They waited, watching and listening to something move through the trees and rustling the grass. The sound stopped and they waited. A small animal shot across the clearing and scampered up a tree then was gone. The group slowly relaxed giving each other wry smiles.

"Come on. Let's get this over with." John gestured and they headed out again.

An hour or so later they stopped again at Rodney's insistence. John excused himself and moved off into the jungle until he was certain he couldn't be seen. He laid his P-90 on a rock, close enough to grab if something happened while he was doing what he came to do. The relative silence of the jungle was interrupted by the rasping sound of a zipper then a jet of liquid hit the ground making a large puddle.

John sighed in relief as his bladder emptied itself in a long steady stream. When he finished, he zipped up, used hand sanitizer and had just picked up his weapon when he heard a wordless cry of anger then felt a sharp pain in his right butt cheek.

TBC