Well, belated birthday, you should say. Probably. You think so. You always lose track of time, so it's hard to tell.

Do you even need an introduction?

You are the HOMESTUCK fandom, and sleep can go fuck itself. You had been having trouble sleeping properly the past few days. You had only remained awake for precisely two hours on the day of your birthday to read your last and final update, and then read it again and cry a little bit before passing out.

You have been exhausted for the past weeks, your fandom raging and hustling and bustling, making up last second theories and arguing over which ships were canon and which weren't.

You find that really stupid. All the ships are great anyway. All of them.

...Except Hussie and Vriska. Your dad could be a giant creep sometimes.

You consult your trusty calendar. It is the best magic calender of all, purely because your moirail had given it to you, seeing as you've been suffering serious sleep problems these days. He had given it to you on the 23rd of March, 2016, 6:43:09 AM, and you knew this because at that time you had been high on faygo and hadn't slept in four days until your palemate forced you to bed. Gog, he was wonderful.

Being magic and all, it displayed the date without anyone having to waste their energy ripping papers off it. So productive.

It was the fifteenth of April- two days after your birthday. You feel sort of bad for not being awake on your birthday long enough to fully appreciate the fact that you were, in a way, not only an year older but also complete. You didn't even really get to wish John a happy birthday!

Well. Happy birthday, John. And to you, too, you guess.

You stop dwelling on that and turn around to examine a huge oven in your room.

Oven? What oven? Pfft. That's just your appearifier/sendificator. Because mailing and being mailed is too boring.

With barely contained excitement, you open the ove- you mean, sendappearifier, and sure enough, a load of gifts and parcels tumble out.

You smile and reach for the closest one, wrapped in green and blue. Your pale instincts immediately inform you that your sweet, precious, perfect moirail had been the one responsible for THIS one.

You shake it a little because this is a common cliché that must be repeated, before tearing it open with enthusiasm.

You are almost too excited to read the note that was plastered onto the package, but notes from your perfect, adorable moriail must not be ignored.

'Hey, Homestuck! I hope you're having a good day :D You probably won't get this on time because of your sleeping problem, but happy birthday anyway! I wanted to send you cake and cookies but then I remembered you don't like baked stuff for some reason :/. Hehehe- I hope you like my gift anyway. If you need a shoosh pash or whatever, you know where to find me!

lots and lots and lots of love,

~WN 333'

Oh, that guy. He makes your heart melt with even the simplest gestures. In a totally pale way, though. Also, he should figure out the difference between diamonds and hearts, because hearts are heavily associated with matespritship, a quadrant neither of you are interested in. You don't have the heart to correct him, though. He's far too adorable for that. It's not like you really mind anyway.

Not that you've thought about being matesprits with him. No. Never. Hahahahaha.

OK, awkward subject. Let's change it.

Your moirail's gift to you turns out to be a blanket with patterns of the world's countries' flags expertly sewed all over it. One glance and you could immediately tell it was handmade. Your moirail is a fandom of several talents.

You immediately decided that you will treasure this blanket.

Homestuck: Treasure blanket

You spend fifteen minutes looking terribly ridiculous as you bury your face into the fabric of the blanket, basically inhaling it and entertaining feelings that could admittedly be deemed far too red to be considered pale.

He is so perfect. Why is he so perfect? You carefully set the blanket aside.

You proceed to open the other packages; there are six in total. One from your cousin, who had considered a frozen packet of spaghetti to be a perfect present, one from that gogdamned fandom you despise (unsurprisingly it was just a box of fucking salt), an ironic fake detective set from the other guy, a handsome looking handwatch from the Doc, and most unnerving of all, a huge ass lollipop from... him. You'd rather not mention that guy. Yeah. Let's not. You shove the lollipop into its box and push it away into a corner, before you proceed to attempt forgetting about it while opening the last box. It was light, which made sense because it was empty. Apart from a note inside.

'This wasn't my idea. My stupid brother made me do this, so here. Happy fucking birthday. You better be fucking grateful for this box I sent you. It's a really good box, too. You can, like, put stuff in it and whatever. Enjoy, bastard.'

Uh, wow. This guy sure is something. You can't get over the fact that he and your sweet moriail are siblings. Well, an extra box never hurt anyone, did it?

You sit among your birthday presents, enjoying the lingering satisfaction, your palemate's blanket wrapped around your shoulders, wearing a silly little Holmes detective hat on your head. The sender had been thoughtful enough to put in hornholes. Sweet!

After wallowing in satisfaction for a number of minutes, you extract your phone from your pocket. Of course you slept with it! You go to bed with at least two computers on you, and leave your house with no less than five, like a SANE person.

You purposely avoid your tumblr app- you are not ready for any reaction from your fans, not now and probably not for a while. Your pesterchum is blowing up with notifications, though.

Apparently, your moirail had been trying to get in touch with you for quite a while.

whiteflaggedNations [WN] began pestering geneticMutant [GM] at 4:13-

WN: hey
WN: hey homestuck!
WN: message me when you can, AR told me that IC told him that VR told him to tell him to tell me about something that MS told VR about
WN: it's something about a game
WN: it sounds fun! I wanna play. What do you say?
WN: uh oh
WN: fratello is breaking stuff again, I gotta go
WN: bye! 3

whiteflaggedNations [WN] ceased pestering geneticMutant [GM] at 4:20-

Curious but also slightly confused, you message him back, quickly texting a reply. You hoped his brother wasn't giving him much trouble.

geneticMutant [GM] began pestering whiteflaggedNations [WN] at 6:09

GM: jegus, your bro needs to calm his man tits
GM: and i'm sorry for being late, I was ... you know
GM: what's this game thing you're talking about again?

Unsurprisingly, he answered right back, and your heart skipped over a few beats.

WN: oh hey! happy belated birthday 3 I was waiting for you to reply. Don't worry about not being early though. I understand! I would want to sleep through my last update, too. Papa's usually nice but he always does mean stuff to the fandom when we least expect it. It's scary.
WN: anyway! AR said to tell you to talk to him when you're awake. I don't know why he just doesn't message you himself. Oh well!
GM: ugh, I hate that guy. I wouldn't want to play any game he's in, but since you're playing. .
WN: am I dragging you in? Is it a moriail thing? I'm sorry! I don't have to play if you want don't want. AR said you were important or something but you shouldn't play if you don't want to
GM: no no heta
GM: it's really cool, my curiosity would have gotten the best of me anyways
GM: what's this game called and why did AR say I was important? probably a bluff, I wouldn't put it past him
WN: oh I don't know, AR isn't really the lying kind of guy
WN: as for the game, I think it started with an S or something
WN: hmm!
WN: i'm pretty sure it wasn't super mario bros.
WN: ha! got it. Sburb, he called it sburb!

Oh.
Oh, NO.