The Simpsons: The Millsburry Dough Boys

by Mark Sinacori

Just as Homer gets told he's borderline diabetic, Marge decides to enter a baking competition in Millsburry, which she hasn't competed in since high school due to the fact that she lost to Betty Rocker, a returning champion who has a secret; Marge drives the family and Milhouse along to go head to head with Betty again, while Homer, Bart, and Milhouse have mottos of their own.

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. SPRINGFIELD MAGIC SHOP- DAY

HOMER, MARGE, BART, LISA and MAGGIE walk into the shop. A MAGIC SHOP OWNER (45), overweight and in a magician's outfit and hat, stands by the register.

MAGIC SHOP OWNER

(DRAMATICALLY) Welcome, welcome, to

my little magic shop! Won't you come in and be amazed?

Homer eats a candy bar and walks up to some magic mirrors that slim down his chubby figure. He jumps for joy.

HOMER

(EXCITED) Oooh, I am already!

MARGE

(ANNOYED) Homer, you shouldn't be eating candy in here, and we really need to get going to your doctor's appointment.

Homer models and poses in front of the mirrors.

HOMER

(ANNOYED) Not now, Marge, can't you see, this is much more exciting than any old

doctor's appointment. (NAGGING) Besides, you're breath smells. Did you forget to

brush this morning?

MARGE

(AGREEING) Actually, I did forget.

Homer presents Marge with some gum.

HOMER

(TEMPTING) Just chew on one of these, honey.

MARGE

(AGREEING) Alright, but just one, you know how much sugar is in a piece of that.

Marge reaches for the gum and a trap shuts on her finger.

MARGE (CONT'D)

(STUNNED) Ouch!

Homer laughs.

HOMER

(CHILDISHLY) Fooled you!

Marge groans.

Lisa and Bart shake each other's hands with buzzers and giggle as Maggie watches.

BART

(ANNOYED) Ow, quit it!

LISA

(AGGRAVATED) Stop it, Bart, you're

shocking me!

BART

Okay, enough clowning around.

Bart looks at magic supplies on a shelf. He spots a canister of enlarging powder.

BART (CONT'D)

(STARTLED) Cool, how much for this?

MAGIC SHOP OWNER

Kid, this stuff isn't that safe. One time I accidentally dropped it on a Venus fly trap and

nearly got eaten up. It's ten bucks.

BART

(SURPRISED) I'll take it!

Bart grabs the expanding powder off the shelf.

INT. SPRINGFIELD HOSPITAL, EXAMINING ROOM- DAY

Homer sits on a patient examining chair and eats candy. Marge stands beside him.

MARGE

(ANNOYED) Homer, do you have to eat candy everywhere we go?

HOMER

(POUTING) But I skipped breakfast this morning.

DR. HIBBERT holds a chart in his hand.

DR. HIBBERT

I'll say, Homer, you darn right fought this off for so many years.

HOMER

Fought what off?

DR. HIBBERT

Diabetes, of course.

Marge frets. Homer hugs her and tenses up.

MARGE

(FRANTICALLY) Is Homey alright? Are you gonna put him on medication? Insulin?

Good lord, we might even have to see a lawyer if he's gonna...

DR. HIBBERT

(CONSOLING) No, Mrs. Simpson, nothing to be alarmed about. Not yet, that is. He-he-

he.

Homer exhales a sign of relief.

HOMER

(RELIEVED) And I thought I was gonna be making a visit to that far away place in the

sky. (SARCASTICALLY) Wrong again!

DR. HIBBERT

(ADMITTING) Homer, you really need to take this seriously. You're borderline diabetic.

HOMER

(JOKING) Is that all? I guess I'll just have go pee pee in the potty more often. Go on,

Doc, prescribe me the pill. Let my pee pee go!

DR. HIBBERT

(ADMITTING) No, I said diabetic. Not diuretic. He-he-he!

HOMER

(CONFUSED) Diabetic? That's...that's... Dr., Can you help me out, I failed biology in

high school.

DR. HIBBERT

(ADMITTING) Let me put it this way. Homer, the sweet life is over.

HOMER

(CAREFREE) Nah, it's only just begun.

Homer puts the candy to his mouth. Doctor Hibbert pulls it away.

Homer frowns.

HOMER (CONT'D)

(DEPRESSED) Oh!

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

Homer sits on the couch. He watches television and drinks a diet Buzz soda. Lisa rests on the floor and writes in a notebook. Maggie plays with blocks. Bart sits on the floor and eats candy.

HOMER

(HAPPILY) Time for something

scrumdiddlyumptious.

Homer reaches for the candy.

BART

No way, man, you heard what Mom

said before. Talk to her.

HOMER

(CHILDISHLY) That's right. Talk to Mom. Marge!

Marge walks into the room in an apron.

MARGE

(DEMANDING) Homer, I told you before, you need to stop eating sweets. Remember

what the doctor said?

HOMER

(LYING) An apple pie a day keeps the doctor away.

MARGE

(ANNOYED) That's not what he said. He said eating all those sweets will have your

heart pumping rapid beats.

HOMER

(SURPRISED) A rhyme game! Me next!

MARGE

(DEPRESSED) I give up.

Bart looks at a magazine.

BART

(SHOCKED) Wow, the new Megadeath game on the Wii! Mom, can I get it?

MARGE

Bart, I told you, not until you clean your room. Have you?

BART

(AVOIDING) Have I what?

MARGE

Cleaned your room?

BART

(AVOIDING) Let me get back to you on that one.

MARGE

Well?

Bart pauses. He doesn't know what to say.

MARGE (CONT'D)

(ACCUSING) See?

BART

(TRICKING) Mom, did you ever hear of an un-birthday gift?

Marge groans and goes back into the kitchen.

Bart turns a channel on the television.

HOMER

(POUTING) Why'd you do that for?

BART

Don't you remember, Homer? It's

Monday night.

HOMER

(CONFUSED) So...

BART

Don't you remember what's on?

Homer thinks to himself.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Need sugar. Can't

remember. Monday night. Munchies.

Aaaa...

FLASHBACK

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM, FLASHBACK- NIGHT

Homer sits on the couch. He drinks Duff Beer and eats potato chips and candy as he watches television.

An ANNOUNCER'S voice comes from the television.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Tonight, the moment we've waited

for all summer long is finally

here. Will Kimberly's bombs wipe

out everyone at 4616? Tune in

tonight for the shocking season

premiere of Melrose Place on FOX.

HOMER

(CHILDISHLY) Marge, bake me a chocolate bombe!

Marge walks into the living room.

MARGE

Why? You never wanted one before.

HOMER

(POUTING) Marge, tonight's the bombing of Melrose Place, and you can't have Melrose

Place blowing up without a chocolate bombe!

MARGE

Homer, I...

HOMER

(POUTING) Marge, please, a bombe for the debut of the bomb.

Marge groans.

BACK TO

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE, LIVING ROOM- NIGHT

Bart puts his hands out at Homer, who daydreams.

BART

Hell-o, earth to Homer, do you know

what time it is?

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Melrose Place. Bombe. Chocolate. Aaaa...

BART

(ANNOYED) Mom, he's doing it again.

Marge walks into the living room.

MARGE

It's the sugar craze. We need to

watch his every move, kids.

BART

Homer, snap out of it.

HOMER

(CONFUSED) Huh?

BART

The Incredible Dare Devil Show is

on, man.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Devil's food cake. Aaaa...

MARGE

(DEMANDING) Homer, you're

borderline diabetic.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...border.

Churrus.

Marge groans.

Lisa looks at the television and smiles.

LISA

Look at this, they're showing an ad

for a baking contest.

Marge looks at the television and gasps.

An ANNOUNCER'S voice comes from the television.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Next weekend, folks, it's that time

of year again. Breads, cookies,

pastries, you name it, they'll bake

it. People will come from all

around the area to take part in the

yearly Millsburry Bake-Off.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) The Millsburry Bake-

Off. Aaaa..

The Announcer's voice comes from the television again.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

And, returning this year is our

eleven year champion, Ms. Betty

Rocker of Craystown.

Marge's face grows angry.

BART

Betty Rocker? The cake lady?

MARGE

(TICKED) Hmph!

BART

Mom, are you okay?

LISA

What's wrong, Mom?

HOMER

(CHILDISHLY) Marge, bake me a churru.

MARGE

(MADLY) No! No Bake-Off!

Marge slams her hand on the TV tray, stuff on top of it falls to the floor.

HOMER, BART AND LISA

Huh?

MARGE

You might as well know. Years ago

in high school, My cooking teacher

loved my baked Alaska.

HOMER

(IN AWE) So do I.

MARGE

It was so good, she told me I

should bake it in the Millsburry

Bake-Off.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Alaska.

(PUZZLED) How can you bake something frozen?

MARGE

I went to the Bake-Off with your

father, and there I met her, miss stuck-up of the kitchen...Betty Rocker.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Betty

Rocker.

MARGE

Betty and I were next to one

another, cooking our own desserts.

What I didn't know was we were both

cooking the same thing.

Bart and Lisa gasp.

BART

So did you win?

MARGE

(SADLY) No. Betty did. My dish melted by the time the judges got to me. I can't see

how.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...Melting ice cream. Aaaa...

MARGE

(MADLY) She got first place while I was left with a pile of glop.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm... (CONFUSED) Was it dirty glop or sweet glop, honey?

MARGE

(UPSET) Homer, stop talking about my food.

HOMER

(POUTING) But you cook it so well.

LISA

Mom, you've had so many years of

experience cooking for us, why not

go back this year and show Betty

you can beat her?

BART

(TEMPTING) Come on, Mom, do it!

HOMER

(CHILDISHLY) Yeah, do it, Mom! Do it! You rock!

MARGE

Homer, are you saying what I think

you're saying?

HOMER

You make the most delicious cookies

I've ever tasted, better than those

ones by Mrs. what's her face?

MARGE

(CONFIDENTLY) Get my baking supplies ready, kids, we're going to Millsburry!

BART AND LISA

(EXCITED)Yay!

HOMER

(OVERLY EXCITED) Woo-hoo!

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

INT. MARGE'S STATION WAGON- DAY

Homer drives as Marge sits in front with Maggie on her lap. MILHOUSE, Bart and Lisa

sit in back.

MILHOUSE

Thanks, Mrs. Simpson, for inviting

me to the Bake-Off.

MARGE

No problem, Milhouse.

MILHOUSE

I developed my own taste for

baking, too.

MARGE

(PUZZLED) Really? I didn't know you cooked.

MILHOUSE

(JOKING) Ever since my Dad moved out, I've been hanging around my Mom a lot. I eat

seconds now since I'm the only man in her life.

Milhouse chuckles.

BART

(LAUGHING) Mama's boy.

MILHOUSE

I wouldn't be talking, Bart, you

tagged along to this event as well.

LISA

If you thought cooking was girlish,

why didn't you stay home?

BART

Okay, okay.

Bart looks at a magazine.

BART (CONT'D)

But no boy is girlish with the

new Megadeath video game! (CHILDISHLY) Mom?

MARGE

(ANNOYED) Bart, not again.

BART

(WHINY) Come, on, Mom!

MARGE

(UPSET) Enough with the game.

Bart shows Milhouse his can of expanding powder.

BART

Check this new stuff out, it's

called expanding powder. Bought it

at the magic shop.

MILHOUSE

(IN AWE) Wow, cool!

BART

It says to proceed with caution. It

can make a few certain things

expand and grow larger, sometimes

many times their size.

MILHOUSE

Wow, could you imagine if we did

that to a purple squishy?

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...purple. Look, a donut shop! That reminds me, I need to

take a whiz.

MARGE

(UPSET) Homer, don't you even...

HOMER

(AVOIDING) That diuretic Dr. Hibbert gave me the other day really works.

MARGE

(MADLY) Homer, quit talking such nonsense. There was no diuretic.

HOMER

(CHILDISHLY) Look, it has a drive-thru, we won't even have to get out of the car. I can

let it flow in the window.

BART

(SHOCKED) Sick, man, in public?

HOMER

(CHILDISHLY) That's what drive thru's are for. A fast grab n' go. No waiting in line in

the lobby. Sweet! (IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...

Homer gets out his wallet and looks at Marge who grimaces.

HOMER (CONT'D)

(UPSET) D'oh!

MARGE

(HAPPILY) Homer, I brought you something better than a donut.

HOMER

(SURPRISED) A dozen donuts?

MARGE

(TEMPTING) You'll see in a second.

Marge gets out sugar free chocolate.

MARGE (CONT'D)

(HAPPILY) Ta-da!

HOMER

(SURPRISED) Chocolate! I love you!

MARGE

Here you go, Homer. Help yourself.

Homer grabs the box, rips open a wrapper, and takes a bite. He spits it out.

HOMER

(ANNOYED) Ew! This isn't chocolate.

MARGE

It's sugar free and good for

your heart.

HOMER

(SADLY) Why does everything I eat have no more love in it?

MARGE

That's not true, I make everything

with care.

HOMER

(POUTING) Sugar. It's love, Marge, pure love, and you robbed me

of it.

Homer cries.

MARGE

(ANNOYED) You think everyone robs you of food. Don't you remember when Kraft

gave up on Frusen Glädjé ice cream?

Homer tenses up. Tears start to fall from his eyes.

MARGE (CONT'D)

Or when Nabisco discontinued

Giggles cookies?

Homer cries like a baby.

MARGE (CONT'D)

Or McDonald's with the McRib, and how they bring it back just when you least expect it,

months, maybe years later.

Homer bangs his hands on the wheel. He whimpers.

HOMER

(CRYING) It's not fair! It's just

not fair! (ANGRILY) Damn you, evil

corporations! Damn you to hell!

Homer continues to whimper.

MARGE

(HAPPILY) If it helps you can lick the bowl of my pineapple cheesecake mixture if you

behave and not sneak sweets.

HOMER

(HAPPILY) Woo-hoo!

INT. MILLSBURRY BAKE-OFF CENTER, ENTRANCE- DAY

Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa, Milhouse and Maggie enter the center. Contestants stand at tables with their baking supplies.

Homer notices a table by the entrance with baking supplies.

HOMER

(CHILDISHLY) Look, Marge, at this table there's jelly, and sugar, and dough. I wonder

what...

MARGE

(DEMANDING) Don't even think about it, Homer.

HOMER

(SCARED) Okay.

Homer sobs.

MARGE'S TABLE

Marge looks at her name on a table and approaches it. She gasps when she sees BETTY ROCKER (40), a pretty faced homely sandy-blonde woman with sparkling white teeth and an English accent.

BETTY

(SURPRISED) If it isn't Marge Simpson. How are you, darling?

MARGE

(IRRITATED) Fine. Fine. I'm fine.

BETTY

Any luck with your baked Alaska

these days?

Betty chuckles. Marge twists her eyes.

BETTY (CONT'D)

(DISGUSTED) I see you've brought, Homer, is it?

Betty grimaces.

HOMER

(HAPPILY) Yes, it is. And what tasty treat are you cooking today, my dear?

BETTY

(SNOBBISHLY) Seven cheese bread. My own special recipe I concocted a year ago.

Being eleven time winner of this event always pays off.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...cheese...

Homer draws closer toward the bowl on Betty's table.

BETTY

(MADLY) Don't you come close to my dish. I've already had to beat off seven other

brutes who tried to get into my ingredients.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Mmmm...ingredients! So tasty!

Marge groans.

BETTY

(EXCITED) And who are these little rascals?

Marge yells out and points at Betty.

MARGE

(ANGRILY) My kids, if you don't mind.

Marge settles down.

MARGE (CONT'D)

(APOLOGIZING) I'm sorry, Betty. I've been going crazy with them the whole ride here.

Marge shakes her head.

BETTY

Understandable, darling. Weren't we

all like that when we were young?

BART

(ANNOYING) Hi, I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you, lady?

MARGE

(MADLY) Bart, stop that. Show Betty some respect...

Marge leans down toward Bart.

MARGE (CONT'D)

(UNDER HER BREATH)...even though she doesn't deserve it.

BETTY

(CONFUSED) What was that?

MARGE

(LYING) I said observe it. Bart, observe Betty and her cooking skills. The boy here loves

to cook.

BART

I don't...

Marge pushes Bart aside.

MARGE

This is Lisa.

LISA

(POLITELY) Hi. If you'd excuse me, I want to go check out the vegan dishes.

BETTY

That's a smart child, healthy is

the new way to go, you know...

Milhouse walks up to Betty.

MILHOUSE

(FLATTERED) Hi, I'm Milhouse.

BETTY

You're a Simpson, too?

MILHOUSE

(SURPRISED) Am I?! If you say so! Anything to rid myself of the shame of my

imperfect family.

BART

(ADMITTING) Milhouse, buddy, what can I say? We're just as flawed.

Milhouse sighs.

Maggie dawdles up to Betty.

BETTY

And who is this little angel?

MARGE

My daughter, Maggie.

BETTY

What a cute little cookie you are.

Betty pinches Maggie's cheeks. Lisa rushes up to Maggie.

LISA

(AVOIDING) Come on, Maggie, let's go check out the other dishes.

Lisa and Maggie rush off.

BETTY

If you'll excuse me, darling. I see

someone I know from the Duncan

Fines factory. I got to go mingle.

Betty walks off.

MARGE

Homer?

Homer daydreams.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Cute cookie.

Mmmm...

MARGE

(MADLY) Homer, enough!

HOMER

(CONFUSED) What?

MARGE

Homer, now isn't the time, I really

need to set up for the contest.

HOMER

(WHINY) But, Marge!

MARGE

(MADLY) Homer, don't you ever think of anyone besides yourself? Always

about you.

HOMER

(CONFUSED) Me?

MARGE

(ANNOYED) Homer, this is my station. I really need to concentrate today. You can look

at the other dishes while I set up.

HOMER

(CONFUSED) Why?

MARGE

(TICKED) If you're competing with

an eleven time stuck-up winner

you'd understand.

Bart and Milhouse listen.

BART

(PONDERING) Hmmm...

Bart whispers to Milhouse who smiles.

MILHOUSE

(EXCITED) Yeah!

HOMER

(KINDLY) Alright, Marge. We'll leave you alone. You're a great cook. You'll do fine.

Go get 'em. Come on, kids.

Bart and Milhouse go their separate ways at tables.

Marge glances a sad expression at Homer, who turns back and looks at her. He holds her hand, kisses her on the cheek, and smiles at her. Marge's sad face turns to a smile.

Homer walks past Marge's table and observes a bag of sugar at a nearby table and drools, then looks at Betty as she kneads her dough.

HOMER (CONT'D)

(PONDERING) Hmmm...

Homer thinks to himself and nods.

MRS. FLUTTERWORTH'S TABLE

Milhouse walks by a table where MRS. FLUTTERWORTH (39), a genuine homely red-head with her hair in a bun, sets up her supplies.

MRS. FLUTTERWORTH

(MOTHERLY) Hello there. I'm Mrs. Flutterworth. Here for the Bake-Off, dear?

MILHOUSE

(EXCITED) You bet!

MRS. FLUTTERWORTH

That's nice. My niece, Alice over there, she's helping

me out today. I'm making triple berry pancakes with my special homemade thick syrup.

MILHOUSE

(CONFUSED) Your niece?

ALICE (9), braces, freckles, and red hair in braids, approaches Milhouse.

ALICE

Hi, I'm Alice.

Milhouse gapes and drools.

MILHOUSE

(IN AWE) Hi, Alice, I'm Milhouse. You're as pretty as your Aunt.

Milhouse chuckles.

ALICE

Thank you, Milhouse! Do you like to cook?

MILHOUSE

(HAPPILY) I like to eat.

ALICE

(ANNOYED) Sorry, but I go for the guys who know how to cook.

NELSON approaches in a chef's uniform.

NELSON

(MADLY) Get lost, Van Houten, this here's top chef territory.

Nelson punches Milhouse and walks off with Alice.

SKINNER'S TABLE

Bart walks by PRINCIPAL SKINNER'S table. Skinner gathers ingredients for his dish.

SKINNER

(SURPRISED) Bart! Weird seeing you here. I didn't know you baked.

BART

(ANNOYING) I don't. I'm here for my Mom. What are you baking, Mrs. Fields?

SKINNER

(PROUDLY) Bart, someday you'll appreciate cooking and all the sweet rewards it has to

offer.

EDNA KRABAPPEL approaches.

EDNA

(GIDDY) That's right, Bart, like a whole lotta sweet lovin from the person the cook feeds

their dish to.

Edna and Skinner snuggle and giggle.

BART

(SHOCKED) I'm out of here.

APU'S TABLE

Lisa and Maggie walk up to APU'S table. He mixes ingredients in a bowl.

LISA

(SURPRISED) Apu, you're here, too?

APU

Yes, little Simpson's. I'm cooking

a vegan dessert called wheat halwa,

a Southern Indian dessert prepared

for festivities such as Diwali.

LISA

What's in it?

APU

Whole wheat, cardamon, ghee and

sugar.

Homer walks by the table.

HOMER

(IN A LOW MOAN) Sugar...Aaaa...

Homer notices Lisa and Maggie. They point and shake their heads at him. He sobs and

rushes off.

LISA

May I try a sample?

APU

Here you go.

Apu gives Lisa a sample.

LISA

Thank you.

APU

That'll be fifty cents, please.

LISA

(CONFUSED) Huh?

APU

Sorry, but the Quickie Mart needs updating, she needs all the help she can get.

Lisa reaches into her pocket and gives Apu the change.

APU (CONT'D)

Thank you, come again.

FLANDERS' TABLE

Homer walks by NED FLANDERS' table. He organizes his table and ingredients in a

neat fashion and wears a pink and white checkered apron.

NED

(SURPRISED) If it isn't my neighbor, Home-diddily-omer Simpson! What brings you

here?

HOMER

My wife's in the Bake-Off. Isn't

this for girls? (MOCKING) Wait, you took on the role of mother to your boys, so I guess

that counts.

Homer laughs.

NED

(PROFESSING) You're wrong. Cooking's a unisex sport-a-rino. There have been some

fine male cooks throughout history.

HOMER

(SURPRISED) Like the Frugal Gourmet!

NED

(HAPPILY) Right diddily-o, neighborino!

HOMER

What's this you're cooking up?

NED

Why, burnt-sugar chiffon cake.

Homer starts to drool.

HOMER

(CONFUSED) Did you say sugar?

NED

Yes, indeedy!

HOMER

(QUESTIONING) What kind of sugar?

NED

(OVERLY EXCITED) Why burn-diddily-urned sugar, of course, buddy!

HOMER

(ANNOYED) Pass. Burning sugar takes the fun out of it. It needs to be ingested

naturally, just as God intended.

NED

(PROUDLY) Homer, I never heard you speak so kindly about the Lord like that before.

HOMER

Really? I was being honest because

my love's so sweet for sweets.

NED

(PROUDLY) I hear ya. And that's why I want you to taste a sample of my cake.

HOMER

(SADLY) But it's burnt.

NED

(TEMPTING) It's heaven.

HOMER

(NERVOUS) Heaven?

NED

(TEMPTING) Heaven.

HOMER

(AGREEING) If you insist.

Homer reaches for the plate Ned hands him and a hand pushes it away.

Homer looks down to see Bart, who points and shakes his head.

Homer groans.

HOMER (CONT'D)

(SADLY) Sorry, Flanders

Homer walks off, head down.

NED

(HAPPILY) Come again, neighborino!

MARGE'S TABLE

Marge wears a white apron and works in a proud fashion with her materials. She mixes her ingredients and pours the batter into a dish. Betty approaches her.

BETTY

(SNOBBISHLY) By the way, Marge, it's a good thing you're not baking anything that's

too cold.

MARGE

Why say that, Betty?

BETTY

(CRITICIZING) I wouldn't want to heat it up.

MARGE

(CONFUSED) Huh?

BETTY

Marge, don't you remember years ago

when you made your dish?

MARGE

(TICKED) Yes, I recall your dessert won and mine was a bunch of glop. Then you got

your own line of cakes and frosting. Congrats, once again.

Marge's eyes twist. She turns away.

BETTY

(ADMITTING) You see, I accidentally put a curling iron next to your dish when you left

your table. I curled my hair before the judging.

Betty chuckles. Her face turns more sinister with each chuckle.

BETTY (CONT'D)

Something the matter, Marge?

Marge groans and storms off. Betty goes back to her table.

BETTY'S TABLE

Homer listens at a nearby table and approaches Betty.

HOMER

(MADLY) So... the truth finally comes out.

Homer licks his finger, reaches to a bowl of sugar on Betty's table, and she smacks his

hand.

BETTY

(DEMANDING) Don't you touch my prize winning ingredients!

HOMER

(IN PAIN) Ouch! That hurt!

Homer cries out of control.

BETTY

(RIDICULING) Big baby!

Betty groans, leaves her dough at her table, and walks off.

Homer sniffs, looks at the sugar, sees Lisa and Maggie who point and shake their heads at him again, sobs, then looks at the dough and smiles. He chuckles an evil chuckle.

INT. MARGE'S STATION WAGON, DAY

Homer grabs the expanding powder and shakes some of it in a bag.

Bart grabs the expanding powder and puts some in his pocket.

Milhouse grabs the expanding powder and shakes some into his change purse.

Marge enters the car. She looks at the expanding powder and shakes her head.

INT. MILLSBURRY BAKE-OFF CENTER, BETTY'S TABLE- DAY

A sign reads "BETTY ROCKER". A lump of dough rests on the table.

Homer sneaks up to the dough, gets out a bag, drops the powder on the dough, and chuckles.

Bart walks up to the table. He gets a slingshot and shoots the powder into the dough.

Milhouse tiptoes to the table. He gets out his change purse, sprinkles some powder on the dough, and giggles.

MARGE'S TABLE

Marge wipes down her table. Her face full of rage. Betty walks up to Marge and puts her hands on her hips.

BETTY

(SNOBBISHLY) What's wrong, darling? Can't take the heat in the kitchen?

Marge looks at Betty and groans. Her eyes twist with rage.

A loud WHOOSH sound comes from Betty's table.

BETTY'S TABLE

Betty rushes to her table. Her dough expands out of control.

BETTY

(FRANTICALLY) My dough! My beautiful dough!

HOMER

(CONFIDENTLY) And that takes care of that.

Homer wipes his hands and looks up to see the dough expanding out of control.

HOMER (CONT'D)

(SHOCKED) Dough!

People scream. Homer jumps to escape the dough but gets caught in it. The force of the dough pushes Homer, other contestants, on-lookers, and Betty, herself, out the door.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. MILLSBURRY BAKE-OFF CENTER, MARGE'S TABLE- DAY

Custodians clean up the mess of dough. Homer walks up to Marge with a shirt full of dough and sobs.

HOMER

(SADLY) Marge, I'm sorry I ruined your cheesecake. I guess I'm the new Betty Rocker.

MARGE

(HAPPILY) Actually, Homey, it's fine. It's been cooling in the fridge the whole time.

Marge opens the fridge next to her station and puts the cheesecake on the table.

HOMER

(EXCITED) Good sweet lovin!

MARGE

(PUZZLED) Homey, why'd you say you ruined my dessert? You mean you were the

cause of this?

BART

Coincidentally, Mom, I had a little

role to play in it, too.

MARGE

(BAFFLED) You did?

Marge groans.

MILHOUSE

(EMBARRASSED) Don't forget me, Mrs. Simpson.

MARGE

(SHOCKED) Boys, I'm surprised at you. Didn't I ever teach you it's not right to cheat?

Betty walks through the door, full of dough. She aches and pants as she walks up to

Marge and sobs.

BETTY

(OUT OF BREATH) Marge...

MARGE

(SYMPATHETICALLY) Betty, I'm sorry about your bread.

BETTY

(APOLOGIZING) I was bound to be defeated, eventually. I want to apologize for ruining

your dessert years ago.

MARGE

(SYMPATHETICALLY) Betty...

BETTY

(PUZZLED) I just don't know how this happened?

HOMER

(CONFIDENTLY) You can say with a little help from Marge's hubby, Homer.

BART

(ANNOYING) And her son, Bart.

MILHOUSE

(GIDDY) And her other son, Milhouse

Simpson!

Milhouse giggles.

Betty grows angry.

BETTY

(MADLY) You! You did this?!

HOMER

(ANNOYING) Y-ep!

BETTY

(MADLY) I've had it with men! You're all the same!

Betty storms to the door. As she opens it, stuck dough on the top of the frame falls over her head. She screams and slams the door.

HOMER

(CONFIDENTLY) And stay out.

LATER

A BAKE-OFF JUDGE (55) grey hair in a chef's uniform, presents a blue ribbon to

Marge.

BAKE-OFF JUDGE

Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson. First place.

LISA

Yay, Mom!

Bart, Homer, Lisa, Milhouse and Maggie all clap by the table.

Marge walks up to Homer.

MARGE

(UNDERSTANDING) Homey, you know I didn't want to win this contest by cheating.

HOMER

Marge, you didn't cheat. The judges

allowed you to stay in the contest.

MARGE

True.

HOMER

(TICKED) They disqualified me, Bart and Milhouse from it if we ever wanted to be in it

someday. Boy, if I get my hands on them...

Marge giggles.

MARGE

No, I didn't cheat. But I thought

about it.

HOMER

(PUZZLED) Why didn't you?

MARGE

I had my family here with me. I'd rather have that than any blue ribbon.

Marge pins her blue ribbon on Maggie and hugs her.

HOMER

Then you're not mad at me?

MARGE

(RELIEVED) After all that's happened, Betty deserved her fair share. (HAPPILY) And,

Homey, you didn't think about yourself!

HOMER

Really?

MARGE

You were well-behaved.

HOMER

(BAFFLED) Hmmm?

MARGE

You stuck to your no sugar promise.

HOMER

(EXCITED) Oh!

Homer groans.

HOMER (CONT'D)

(DEPRESSED) Oh...

Homer puts his head down and walks to the corner.

BART

Does this mean I can get the

Megadeath video game now for being

an accomplice in Dad's crime?

MARGE

(AVOIDING) We'll talk about it later, Bart.

MILHOUSE

(EXCITED) Does this mean you can accept me as a Simpson?

MARGE

(ADMITTING) Milhouse, you're a Van Houten, just as flawed as us.

MILHOUSE

(EMBARRASSED) I guess you're right.

Milhouse chuckles.

MARGE

(HAPPILY) But I know someone who's getting a certain something I promised him.

Homer stands in the corner. He sobs.

MARGE (CONT'D)

Homey?

Marge approaches Homer with a bowl.

HOMER

(BAFFLED) Marge? What's this?

MARGE

Don't you remember? I promised you

can lick the bowl.

HOMER

(SURPRISED) Right!

Homer grabs a spoon, scoops up Marge's excess cheesecake mixture, puts it in his

mouth, and jumps in the air.

HOMER (CONT'D)

(HAPPILY) Sugar-riffic! Woo-hoo!

Marge whispers to Bart, Lisa, Milhouse and Maggie.

MARGE

(WHISPERING) Don't say anything, kids, but I used sugar free sugar in my cheesecake.

He'll never know.

Everyone tries not to laugh and covers their mouths.

HOMER

(HAPPILY) Good sweet lovin!

Marge tickles Homer's tummy.

HOMER (CONT'D)

(GIDDY) He-hee!

FADE OUT.

THE END