Authors Note: This is a work of humour. It is supposed to be funny. It is also the result of me being bored and Celebríon giving me a challenge. Mostly the challenge was to make Faramir blush, but as we were tossing a bit of the conversation back and forth it got weirder. The result is here below for you to laugh at.
Disclaimer: I still do not own Lord of the Ring. We have only borrowed parts of it and shall return them as soon as we are done with them, and we desperately hope that no one shall notice where we glued the pieces back together.
Please excuse any spelling errors that you might find as it have already been stated, by Celebríon, that I am a perpetual spelling disaster, and that there is no word that is so easy that I can not misspell it.
Now please read and enjoy, and if you enjoy, please review.
/Elenhin
The Bath House Peril
The great city of Minas Tirith was built by the Númenorians, and they had mastered stone so as to please themselves. There was the huge sunken marble bath tubs in the chambers of the nobles in the palace. There was the fountain by the White Tree, and it had yet to fail its water flow. Some of the stonework had been damaged by age. Such as the bath in the Royal chambers. However Gimli and his kin had been able to repair most of it. They had taken delight to repairing the secret passages that went from the King's chambers to a few other locations in the city.
One thing that they had repaired was the Royal bath chamber. It was a truly huge thing made only for showing of wealth. It was located in the back of the palace and was carved out of the stone or so it seemed. The walls, floor and ceiling was the natural stone of the mountain. Smoothed out with hammer and chisel until it was not more rough than the marble.
The bath was crafted to look like a natural pool and was shaped as one with uneven edges. It curved around the chamber so that the entrance was hidden from view from the far end. The water was deep enough to reach a standing man to his chest, as no man now reached the impressive height of the Númenorians. It was more shallow in some places, and even deeper in some.
Near the entrance to the chamber were steps leading down into the water. There were sections where the edge sloped down into the water, and there were places where it was a steep drop to the bottom.
It was a tedious job to heat up a sufficient amount of water to fill it up, but it could be done. As it were it was filled with pleasantly cool water. The present King had not found much use of it yet however.
The summer was at its hottest these days. A slight bit too hot in Aragorn's humble opinion. Eomer and Lothiriel were visiting, and Eomer insisted that his humble opinion was also a royal opinion. He also claimed that it meant something should be done about it. Since the King's wishes should be heeded at all times.
"We could ride to the river for a swim?" Eomer suggested. With him in the room was Aragorn and Faramir. Their wives had gone off and left them alone for the time being.
"We were told to stay here by our wives." Faramir said uncertainly and a little careful. "Eowyn has been a slight bit irritated and short of temper lately. And I was told in detail what she would do with both you and me if we did not heed her."
"What is the worst she can do to us?" Eomer shrugged with a confident smile. The kind that let everyone know he was man and not mouse.
"I would not know about you Eomer, but I had thought I would like one or two more children. And as I said she told in detail exactly what she would see fit to do if disobeyed."
Eomer swallowed. "Riding to the river is out of the question then." He looked just a tad frightened Aragorn decided. The threat Faramir had been told was probably one he recognized from before then.
Considering that Eowyn had gelded horses he thought he could make a qualified guess.
Aragorn chuckled at the identical looks on the two men in front of him. The way he saw it only a fool failed to pay heed to Eowyn's temper.
"I think I have an agreeable alternative." He smiled. "If you would follow me my friends, I know where there is plenty of nice cool water."
Faramir looked in awe at the Royal bath chamber that he had never even known existed. Even as he had lived in this city for near all his life.
"Gimli and his kin found it and restored it to working order." Aragorn explained as they stood there looking at it. "I believe he said it has a water supply that somehow resembles the one to the fountain by the White Tree."
Faramir stood admiring the rough and yet smooth stone basin and the architecture of it.
"Let's get in." Eomer began peeling of his tunic.
They tucked their bundles of clothing away in a corner. A habit each man had from their soldier days. When one tucked away pack and clothes under bushes and stones if one took a bath. To keep it from being spotted by enemy eyes and curious animals both. They slipped down into the water which was cold and wonderful.
Eomer sighed in bliss while Aragorn smiled satisfied. Faramir dipped beneath the surface and reappeared again two meters away from them. He sighed in enjoyment, a noise that began in his throat.
"He is feline that one I swear." Eomer chuckled. "He purrs."
"Cats hate water." Faramir muttered in defence. "So it is impossible."
"He is right Eomer." Aragorn grinned. "A cat would never venture freely into water."
Faramir gave him a grateful smile, but Aragorn was not finished.
"Besides look at that mane, that is a fox and no cat." He laughed as Faramir gave him a hurt look of betrayal.
"For once you are right I believe." Eomer lifted a lock of Faramir's soaked hair. "A drenched fox, and a skinny one as well. Do you not feed your pets, Arag…"
He was cut of short as Faramir pushed him beneath the surface. Eomer came up again, spitting and coughing.
Aragorn decided that it was safest to retreat to the far end of the pool, since it was he who had given Eomer the idea. Out of the three of them Faramir was the one who had the advantage in the water. Having spent time in the ocean at Dol Amroth as a child.
Faramir followed after the retreating King with a menacing smile. Eomer followed after to see how it turned out. He and Aragorn found their movements hindered by the chest-deep water. Faramir did not seem to have that problem and moved forward easily. He soon had Aragorn cornered against the rim. Then he flung himself sideways to pounce on Eomer, who had gotten to close in his eagerness to watch.
"What was that for." Eomer coughed. "You've already tried to drown me once, was his turn now."
"I may not attack my King because of the oath I swore." Faramir grinned. "I have not yet sworn any oath not to attack Rohans King."
"So that means I can do this without having to fear revenge." Aragorn lounged for him and it was Faramir's turn to be dragged beneath the surface.
When Faramir was allowed up to the air again they settled down on a ledge to enjoy the water. Still chuckling and grinning.
Faramir closed his eyes and sighed, content with just relaxing.
"The fox is purring." Eomer decided he was safe as Faramir looked to lazy to move. Like a hedonistical, fox? "I was not aware that foxes purred."
"This one does." Aragorn chuckled. "I would be cautious if I were you. It's got teeth. You'll never know if it bites until its to late."
Both men fell over laughing as Faramir made a low sound in the back of his throat. It sounded so much like the growl of an angered animal.
"Aragorn, you have got to bring your pets in line." Eomer laughed. "Really if you do not teach them discipline they shall be unmanageable. It would not do to have a half tame fox running around in stead of a Steward."
"Ah but it scares of all those annoying nobles." Aragorn played along. "They dare not go near that wretched creature."
"I shan't listen to any more of this." Faramir said with mock hurt.
"How shall you escape it without leaving the water?" Eomer questioned.
"I think that I know how." Faramir grinned and slid down beneath the water level.
Eomer counted of to thirty in his head and still Faramir had not resurfaced. Eomer suspected he could remain under for some time yet without being bothered by it, but he was not used to see anyone doing that.
"Your fox thinks he's a fish." He nodded to Aragorn.
"It does seems like that." Aragorn nodded. He reached down under the water and grabbed Faramir's shoulder, hauling him up. His breathing revealed no hint that he had been under water for some time. He just stretched out on the ledge again.
Eomer fixed him with a stare that he ignored and Aragorn just shook his head. All three of them jerked upright when they heard the door to the chamber open.
"I told you this was a wonderful place." Came Arwen's sweet voice.
"Perfect to sneak away from our husbands." Eowyn's voice agreed. "In this heat it is just what I need."
"I agree, they are to childish to be allowed somewhere like this place." Lothiriel chimed in and Eomer took on a offended look.
Aragorn laid a finger against his lips to signal to the other two that they should be silent and not give their presence away.
"They would be pushing each other beneath the surface and fool around." Eowyn snorted. "Eomer is hopeless. He can not act civilized for even five minutes. And Faramir is just as bad when he thinks he can get away with it."
"I think that statement goes for all three of them." Arwen laughed softly. "At times I can not believe that Estel is really an adult."
"All men are like that." Came the statement from Lothiriel.
The three men looked slightly offended as they heard the ladies slip into the water and splash around a little.
"Oh, this is just lovely." Eowyn sighed.
Over at their end Faramir blushed a scarlet red as he realised the women were now unclothed, and that it was not just his wife. It was also his cousin and his Queen.
Eomer leaned in close to him and pressed his lips to Faramir's ear. "Stop blushing or you'll give us away." He hissed. "They'll catch on to that colour in no time."
Aragorn was beginning to worry that the women would venture into the other end and discover them anyway. Faramir had shifted so that he was facing away from the women.
"It's so good to get away from them for some time." Lothiriel sighed barely audible for the men. "Eomer really is too much at times."
"He is barbaric." Eowyn laughed. "Well, for the moment Faramir can deal with him."
Aragorn suddenly got an idea that would show their wives just how childish they could be if they wanted to. He signalled to the two others what he wanted to do.
Eomer nodded with a sly grin, Faramir blushed into an even more aggressive scarlet colour and shook his head vigorously.
"Must I command you?" Aragorn hissed into his ear. "Come along now."
Aragorn and Eomer slid beneath the surface and kicked of from the wall. Faramir followed with much hesitation. They swam against the bottom with a few powerful strokes, and surfaced near their wives.
The three of them shrieked wildly. Aragorn and Eomer laughed while Faramir looked ashamed and amused in equal measures.
"Eomer your brute." Eowyn punched her brother in the chest as she struggled to keep from grinning.
"Estel." Arwen said coldly while fixing him with a stare that spoke an demand of an explanation.
Lothiriel regarded her cousin with surprise that he had been involved in an act such as that. It was surprising, but not fully unpleasant. She did however duck deeper in the water as to preserve her modesty.
"It was your order that we could not go to the river, sister." Eomer said innocently. "We came here instead."
"We did not really intend to hide." Aragorn continued. "But you came in and were talking about us before we had a chance to say we were here."
Faramir nodded in agreement.
"We we're not even causing any trouble." Eomer grinned. "We just thought we would give the fox a bath. We were worried it had fleas."
"What fox?" Eowyn demanded. "You do not think that bringing a fox in here is causing trouble?"
"It's a really cute fox, sister." Eomer hurried to say and Aragorn could hardly keep from laughing. Faramir blushed so red he truly did reassemble one. "A bit scrawny." Eomer went on happily. "But I'm sure that it can be fattened up once we've gotten all the fleas out of its fur."
"Where is it, brother." Eowyn sounded menacing on the last word. Eomer grinned and pointed at Faramir.
"Right there. You should have heard it purr before."
Both Arwen and Lothiriel burst out into laughter at Faramir's undignified expression.
"Aye, I agree with you brother. That one is rather cute."
Aragorn chuckled, and here he had thought Faramir could not blush any brighter.
"I would beg you excuse us my ladies. But I think that it is time to get the fox out of here." Aragorn slipped out of the water. He tossed Faramir one of the large towels their wives had brought. Knowing that he would not risk his modesty near the Queen.
Faramir gave him a grateful look and slipped over to where they had tucked away their clothing. Very careful not to look at anything else than were he put his feet.
Eomer followed, and even if he was careful not to put himself on display overly much he sneaked a glance at his wife. Soon the three men had exited and the their three wives were left alone to continue trade the annoying traits of their men.
That however will be told at some later point. This tale ended when the three men left the perilous bathing chamber, and they have done that. So, this is the end. (Imagine you hear Beethoven here.)
The End.
Here I would like to thank everyone who reads my works, thank you.
Here it must also be said that in the tale "A Two Colour Chain Mail," we started the vote based on the fact that Sean Bean and David Wenham made the perfect image of two brothers. We also got plenty of agreement on that.
So here it is, if you agree with us and think that they should be real brothers. Say so in your review. It shall be your vote. On my authors page, in the bio I shall keep score. When the score reaches 100, they shall be declared official brothers. Then on my authors page shall be an official declaration written by Elenhin and Celebrion.
Then the truth can not be denied, they shall be brothers.