Hello everyone. This is a crackfic collection, very much inspired by my friend, Superstarultra's "You Got HaruhiRolled!", and the infamous, Roxiu's "You Got LuluRolled!". Excpect to see anything, and everything! This first dealie is a pairing between Suika...and a nameless, SyFy channel original movie monster, Cyclops. Also, it's a Zelda crossover. The second one happens whenevr you visit Walfas, for more than a second.
Disclaimer: I do not own Touhou. It belongs to ZUN. Nuff said. Don't expect me to repeat the sam edisclaimer every chapter. It gets annoying after a while, in my opinion.
Here goes something~
You got CirnoRolled!
Stage 1: The Oni and the Cyclops.
Time: 6:00PM GST (Gensokyo Standard Time)
Location: The Kingdom of Hyrule
A petit oni woman, horns atop her head, was walking down one of the many roads of Hyrule. As she began to turn, a large crowd of people were running in her direction. Perplexed, the girl focuses for a moment, utilizing her innate powers as an oni. She grew to ten times her regular size, so she wouldn't be trampled by the crowd of humans. Not that it would hurt her, this just keeps her clothes, which grew with her, clean. She then noticed the thing that was causing the humans to run.
A large, humanoid creature, at least ten feet tall was rampaging in the streets. He was letting out grunts, and such, while he used his monstrous strength to throw things around. However, there was something about the creaure, that made the girl's face light up a bit.
It had one eye.
No matter how hard she tried, the small oni could not take her eyes off...the eye. She was so mesmerized by it's perfect shape, and how cute the pupil looked within, she didn't even bother taking a sip from the gourd she carries with her, like she would every few minutes or so. After what seemed like an eternity, but was more like three minutes, the creature noticed the oni, who by then had shrunk back down to her normal size.
The giant was sizing up the girl, until he saw something more precious than any meal. He saw two, perfectly curved horns, atop the girl's head. The way they looked almost to his breath away. The perfectly curved shape, the beautiful shade of brown, they looked like they belonged on a demon. The giant decided to make a move.
He walked, casually to the oni girl. As he stood in front of her, he muttered, what to humans, sounded like grumbling and growling. However, the girl understood the giants language.
"You, pretty. You. Me feast?"
"You, handsome." The girl replied, blushing a little, in the creature's own language. "Me, You, feast!"
"Me Cyclops! Me big celebrity. Me have own movie on cable!" The Cyclops introduced himself, bragging a little.
"Me, Suika Ibuki! Me big celebrity too. Me was boss in fighting game!" Suika replied, with a little bragging of her own.
"Where we eat?" The Cyclops asked, unsure of a good eatery.
"King, having big celebration today! Invite only. But he invite me! Invite say I can bring you!" The oni cheerfully replied.
"Yay~. What you favorite food?" The Cyclops asked, making a little small talk.
"Sake~" Suika replied, despite the fact that sake isn't food. "You?"
"Meat~. Me like how you say sake." The monster commented.
"Me like how you say meat!" The girl replied, sounding even more cheerful than before. "You, Me, go to castle now! Sake!"
"Meat!" The giant said, as the two started walking to the castle.
MEANWHILE, IN HYRULE CASTLE...
A large man, with long, golden hair, and beard, was sitting atop a throne. By him, were a boy, clad in green, with long ears. "Hmm... Mah boi, I wonder what's for DINNER."
"I'm so hungry, I could eat a ox!" The boy replied.
Then, a man riding atop a magic carpet flew in from the balcony. He was dressed in stereotypical Arabic gear. "My liege! This is terrible! An oni, and a cyclops are attacking the kingdom! They are heading this way." He warned.
"Great! I'll go get my stuff!" The boy exclaimed.
"There is no need. Your sword will be enough." The man on the carpet replied.
"But it's an oni, and a cyclops. Don't you think Link, mah boi, should bring some BOMBS?" The King offered.
"...Just get on the damn carpet, Link." The man ordered.
"Oh boy!" Link exclaimed, as he got on the magical device.
AT THE CASTLE'S GATE...
"Stop, in the name of the nameless king!" A random solider demanded.
"But we have an invitation to the feast!" Suika shouted, in her human-speaking voice. She waved the slip of paper around to show emphasis.
"Yes, but that Cyclops has caused turmoil to the kingdom! He must be arrested for his crimes at once!" The solider, who'll just be called 'Bob' from here on out replied.
"He didn't do anything wrong! He was just hungry!" Suika came to the defense of the monster, spreading out her arms in emphasis.
"If you are going to defend the cyclops, then you will be labled as a traitor! Even though you're just a random oni, who traveled here, and doesn't even live here." Bob replied.
"Hold on!" A cheesy sounding voice came from above. Then, a boy, clad in green, holding a sword, came down from a flying carpet. "I'll take this from here, Bob, you tend to your men."
"But Link, our men aren't even hurt." Bob stated, matter-of-factly.
"Did I ask for your opinion, almost nameless solider?" Link asked, annoyed.
"N-no." The solider ran off.
"Now, I challenge you to a game of Super Smash Bros!" Link exclaimed, pointing at Suika. "If I win, the two of you will be executed, by Death!" He pointed at a figure, clad in a black hood, with no part of his body visible, except his hands, which seemed to be bone, and nothing else. He was also carrying a scythe.
"Wassup." Death greeted the two.
"He just started working here recently. Apparently, he lost a bet to some chick named Yuyuko, or some shit." Link explained.
"What happened?" Suika asked.
"He challenged her to an eating contest. Whoever ate the longest won. You'd think, that with no stomach, he'd have an easy win, right?" Link paused, as the oni, and the cyclops nodded.
"Wrong. She just sucked everything down, like a pal of mine, Kirby. She ended up eating his arms. Being a ghost already, touching Death couldn't kill her, and Death didn't know how to eat with just his head. So she won." Link finished his story. Death just scratched the back of his head. "Anyways, if you win, all of your charges will be dropped, and you can come to the feast. But after that, you've gotta get the fuck out. Now for the rules...No items, no smash balls, Fox only, Final Destination."
"Gay~." Suika commented. "Why don't we just fight?"
"Sure! After all, any good role model for children would be seen beating up a loli, right?"
"What. Did. You. Just. Call. Me." Suika started fuming, the second he said the accursed 'L' word.
"But that's what you are. Your chest is so flat, I could play Beyblade on it." Those are the last words Link spoke while he was conscious, as the oni ran up to him, in no time flat, and smashed him into the wall, with her monstrous strength. The Cyclops walked up to her, lifted her up in an embrace, which to her felt like an embrace, but to any human, would feel like being crushed.
"You not worry. He fool."
"You right. He no smart." She replied, as she took her larger form, and hugged him back. He was taken a little surprised by this, but continued his embrace. Meanwhile, Death and Bob were playing Blazblue, on a conveniently placed PS3.
EARLY THE NEXT MORNING, AT THE OUTTER GATE OF THE KINGDOM OF HYRULE...
The oni and the Cyclops were walking out of the kingdom, stuffed and drunk, after nearly depleting Hyrule Castle of all of it's foodstuffs. The two wobbled off, into the morning sun, looking for a new adventure...
Second Phantasm Stage?
Reimu was exhausted. She had just fought off the last of Yukari Yakumo's spellcards. Or so she thought.
"Hmph. You're pretty good, Shrine Maiden. But, can you withstand the ultimate terror?" Yukari dared.
"Bring it on!" Reimu panted. "Nothing can be worse than that insane-ass spellcard you just used!"
"If you insist...CHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEN~" She called out, as she opened up a gap.
"Oh, that Stage 2 boss again? What's she going to do to me? Mew at me to death?" The red-clad miko mocked. However, the form that came from the gap was not familiar. It was a small, gray cat, wearing Chen's hat, and dress. It also had boxing gloves on it's paws. "Huh?" Before the Shrine Maiden could respond, the cat flew at her, faster than any bullet she had ever encountered. As the cat made contact with her face, she felt a crushing blow to her head, before she lost consciousness.
"K.O.!" Yukari shouted, as Aya came out of nowhere to take pictures of the mess. "You don't fuck with Chen."
That's it for now. I'll update this whenever I get a funny idea for it. Otherwise, I'll be playing around with my other work. Wouldn't want to force anything, would we? Please Review! Your red-clad, exposed armpit miko demands it!