Melancholy

The landscape is passing quickly by me. I am soooooo tired, so stressed. I try to keep a healthy perspective on things, but the battles, the constant life and death situations, the knowledge of what the world is facing…

It all becomes too much sometimes.

Right now it's quiet. There are no challenges in front of me, and I'm content to just ride along. The green grass, trees and homes of the countryside come into view. Inside each house are people--families with their own challenges in living, their own struggles with health, money, jobs and who knows what else? So many people…so many different lives.

I lean my head against the window and wonder what it would be like to live a simpler life, to not know the things I know, not have seen the things I have seen. What if my choices had been different? What if I had decided to teach math in high school, or physics in college? There were certainly people encouraging me to go that way. Why wasn't I more like the girls I knew in college—the carefree, fun-loving innocents whose biggest concern was landing the right husband? Funny, but that seems just as ridiculous to me now as it did then. Why was I the one who saw things differently? Why did I want to change the world? Why didn't I take a route that would have placed me in one of those houses rolling past my window? Why couldn't I have been content with a "normal" life?

The road shifts slightly, and the vehicle turns into the sun. I close my eyes to keep from squinting and think about the choices I've made. I chose astrophysics, instead of education with a science minor. I chose to join the Air Force, rather than do research in the private sector. And of course, I chose the Air Force to please Dad.

Dad.

I can hardly believe it's been over two years since he died. I figured he and Selmak would outlive me, but as I've learned, Fate sometimes snatches away what we believe in favor of its own harsh reality. Losing Dad was heartbreaking, but without Selmak, I would have lost him much sooner.

Which gets back to my choice to enter the Air Force, and later, to take the "deep space radar telemetry" job at Cheyenne Mountain. Dad was confused and disappointed when I gave up my dream to become an astronaut. He couldn't understand how his daughter had turned into a quitter. But we weren't close then, so I didn't have to confront the lie. Still, it was frustrating not to be able to tell him that I had achieved my dream of traveling into space…and more. If Fate hadn't intervened, he would have died without ever knowing the wonders of the life I live. At that juncture, Fate was our friend.

I feel a tear forming and I let it roll down my face. I don't want to be discovered crying. But I'm thankful…really…for the cancer that made Dad sick. Thankful for cancer? How many people have that thought cross their minds? Not many, I'd wager. But without the cancer, we wouldn't have been able to offer him a chance at a new life. Without it, Dad and I wouldn't have had the six years of working together that finally brought us the closeness I had always dreamed we would have. Without it, his passing would have been even sadder…because of all the experiences we would have missed, and all the fears, collaborations and triumphs we wouldn't have been able to share.

There was Fate again, ratcheting up the ante, leaving me twisting and turning in the wind when I least expected it. And sometimes, strangely enough, those harsh jabs from Fate did leave thankfulness in their wake. I know I remain thankful for that one.

But Fate has dealt us all some cruel blows too. Why did Martouf have to be the za'tarc? And why did I have to be the one to kill him? Why did Colonel Emerson have to lose his life at the hands of a petty thief? And Janet…damn, why did Janet have to die on that godforsaken battlefield, thousands of light years away?

Janet's death was the cruelest blow of all. She was full of life, fun, a true friend…and a mother with a child who depended on her. It just wasn't fair, and although Cassie was always a strong kid, no one should have to lose two mothers in one lifetime.

Gee, Sam! What the hell is wrong with you? Just get yourself in a deep blue funk, why don't you? Can't you just enjoy the ride? Can't you live in the moment? Can't you relax without reliving every single thing that's ever gone wrong in your life? You start out thinking about the choices you've made, and why your life is so different from the ones most people live, and all of a sudden, you're going over a list of everyone who ever died in the battles with the Goa'uld and Earth's other enemies. For cryin' out loud! Shake out of it!

I no longer feel the sun's warmth on my face, so I open my eyes to see what is outside. Clouds have moved over the landscape, darkening the hues of the grass and trees. The sky is grey, and it looks like rain. I sigh and shift slightly in the seat, keeping my head turned toward the window. While I'm working through all the negatives, I might as well deal with them all, and I can't blame Fate for everything. After all, I'm the one who chose to marry Pete…and then, changed my mind.

Thinking back, I don't know what I was thinking at the time…or whether I was thinking at all. I first went out with Pete not long after I suffered that concussion aboard the Prometheus. Looking back, that's evidence that getting hit in the head with a piece of metal does warp your thinking. Maybe I was still suffering the after-effects when I decided to take a chance and get involved with him. More likely, I didn't correctly interpret my concussion-induced "encounters" with Dad and the Colonel while I was on the ship. Or maybe I was just looking for an escape to that simpler life. Whatever caused it, that decision led to a lot of pain for Dad, my teammates, Pete and me.

But in the end, I think everything worked out the way it was supposed to work out. I broke things off with Pete before the wedding. I hate to be a failure at anything, but it's better to have a failed engagement than a failed marriage. With that thought, a wave of relief washes over me. Perhaps I've finally exorcised my demons. Maybe my choices led me to a logical path. Perhaps…I'm not so flawed after all.

I open my eyes again, and see that it is raining. I watch as the droplets fall gently on the window, blurring the passing landscape beyond. The sound is soothing; the overall effect is calming. Feeling more at peace, I give in to the sense of heaviness that seems to be controlling my eyelids. I close my eyes…and suddenly, there are no more thoughts. There is only sleep.

J&S J&S J&S J&S J&S J&S J&S J&S J&S J&S J&S J&S

I awake with a start, my soldier's training kicking in at the sound of a voice and the touch of a hand on my arm.

"Carter…dammit, Sam, don't jump. It's just me."

Recognition snaps me back to reality. Jack. I relax again, opening my eyes, glancing around, my gaze finally settling on his handsome, chiseled face. "Huh?"

"Hey," says that voice, as his hand moves to push a lock of hair from my eyes. His tone is soft and caring, and its gentle intimacy sets butterflies loose in my stomach. "We're here."

"Great," I say, as I continue to shake the cobwebs from my mind. "Yeah…uh…I'll get some stuff."

"Nah," he grins. "You've been asleep for a couple of hours. Gate lag, I guess. You just sit here a few minutes and get yourself awake. I can handle the gear."

He slides a warm hand down my arm, and leans over to press a quick kiss to my forehead. Then he's gone, and I feel the truck shift slightly as he begins to unload supplies from the back. I sit up, run a hand through my hair, shake my head and blink my eyes. I'm almost awake now, and I realize we are at the cabin. Our place. His…and by marriage…now mine.

I open my door and let the fresh, clean air come rushing in, invigorating me, luring me back to reality. I swing my legs out and hop down to stand on the gravel drive. Feeling rested, I stretch my arms, arch my back and try to relieve my body of the kinks brought on by napping in an odd position.

Just then, he comes out of the cabin and lopes down the steps. Our eyes meet, and he smiles, moving over to where I stand and taking me in his arms. "Hey, sleepyhead, welcome back," he says, pulling me closer and kissing me. A rush of emotion runs through me at the intimacy of the moment. I've missed him so much! I lean in to him, savoring the sweetness of his touch. I hug him as tightly as I can and move to deepen the kiss, suddenly wanting to meld myself into him, to be one with him.

He responds, and I back into the side of the truck as his body pushes against mine. We've been separated for a month, and as I feel the evidence of his desire, I'm tempted to let nature take its course right here, right now. After all, we're out in the middle of nowhere. Who would see?

Then he pulls back, a grin on his face. "What were you dreaming about?" he asks, a little breathless, but chuckling. "Tell you what. Let me unload the rest of the stuff. Then we'll go to bed and you can tell me all about it." He wiggles his eyebrows wickedly as I blush. He dips his head and nuzzles my neck before taking a nip at my ear and smacking me once on the rump. Then, he slips out of my arms and returns to the back of the truck, leaving me somewhat breathless.

But I smile. Once again, I stretch, taking in the Minnesota air, the peace and tranquility of this place, and the promise of release the next few days bring.

I watch him disappear into the cabin again, and reflect on the deep blue funk that disappeared during my nap. Self-recrimination. Yup, I'm all about it. I never want to fail, and I always want to do things perfectly the first time. But, as I've finally realized, those are impossible expectations. No one does everything right…and I have to accept the fact that I have achieved a lot and have made a difference in the lives of others. I have good friends who have become my extended family, and most importantly, the love of my life is finally mine.

I may have made some poor choices over the years, but I've made a lot of good ones too. And I thank Fate for preventing me from marrying the wrong person. My life, my friends, my work, and the love of this extraordinary man…well, they mean more to me than anything in this galaxy or the next. And whatever I went through to get to this point was worth it.

"Carter!" he calls from inside the cabin. "It's getting a little cold in here without you!" I grin, slam the door to the truck, and run up the steps as I pull off my jacket. Oh, yeah. I love my life.