This was born from a very lengthy discussion starting with 'imagine Neji driving a hot dog mobile!', between white noise and brine (who also drew the image for the story) and myself. Oh, how Oscar Mayer winds itself into our everyday lives!
Side note: I have written 140k words of NejiTen this year, omg.
Naruto and its characters do not belong to me.
The Problem With Hats
It is one of those muggy summer afternoons that makes one want to stay home with a tub of ice cream, or three. The birds are squawking too loudly in the sky, dogs are barking, and Neji curses that the air-conditioning in the Weinermobile has chosen this time of the year to break down. He rolls the windows open, pulling his hot dog cap off to fan himself with it.
If he didn't need the extra cash, if he weren't too prideful to ask Hiashi for an advance in his allowance (Hyuuga Neji absolutely does not grovel for money), if only he got that internship he wanted...
His attention must have wavered, because the next thing he knows, the Weinermobile is lurching over and he's now stuck in a ditch by the road. Neji finds himself sitting at an angle to the road's surface, with the engine uselessly running.
He curses. Steps on the gas to try and get the vehicle out of the ditch. Tries leaning to the side so his weight somehow gets the hot dog van tipping back out.
None of his attempts work.
Neji does not want to be seen stranded in the town's most comical vehicle (with a giant, curved sausage on it, really?), so he pulls his cellphone out, and dials the number for emergencies.
"What is your emergency?" the gentleman on the end of the line begins.
"Hi. My Weinermobile is currently lodged in a ditch on Sunset Road, in Konoha," Neji tells him. "I need it to not be stuck."
There is a pause on the other end. "Sir, this line is for serious emergencies only."
Neji clenches his jaw. "This is serious."
"Sir," the gentleman disagrees. Neji gets the distinct feeling that they aren't on the same wavelength, and sighs. He pulls the hot dog hat back onto his head.
"Put me through to people who can help," he requests, and finds his call being transferred, with cheesy music being played on repeat and an automated recording telling him to Please hold on, because his call is important and-
A car pulls over in front of him. The driver's door opens, and a slim female hops out, heading towards him. Neji thinks the twin buns on her head look somewhat familiar.
"Hyuuga Neji? Why are you driving the Weinermobile?" she asks, even before she stops right by his window. He glares down at her.
"Who are you?" he grits cautiously, narrowing his eyes. It doesn't help that more people in school recognize him than he does them.
"I'm Tenten, from your math class," she says, waving her hand dismissively. "I'm just shocked that you're driving the Weinermobile! Thought you were rich and famous and all..."
"What does any of this have to do with you?" he mutters, and is surprised when she hears him.
"Nothing," she grins. "Just thought I'd stop by to say hi. Do you need any help?"
"No," Neji tells her, and glances at the digital clock on the dashboard. How long is she going to be chatting at him for?
The cheesy music on his phone finally clicks to a stop, and someone else greets him from the other end of the line. He turns away and briefs this next person on his situation, and exhales with relief when promised help is on its way.
"Why are you still here?" he asks, when he tucks his phone back into his pocket, and she smiles at him, hands behind her back. "Do you want hot dog coupons, or not?"
"Nice hat," she says, as if oblivious to his questions, and reaches up to touch the plastic sausage glued to his cap. She giggles. "I like that hot dog."
Neji stares sourly at her, and jerks his hat out of her reach. "Will you stop touching-"
She withdraws her hand, and peers at him. "So, what's new? You know, with that call you had and all."
"Nothing," he tells her.
"You sure?"
"Positive."
"You sure you don't need help?" she teases, and touches the plastic sausage on his head again.
Neji glares at her. "Yes, I'm sure."
"You've got the Weinermobile stuck at the side of the road." She raises her eyebrows at him.
"I meant to do that."
"Really?" Tenten looks at him in surprise.
"It's a new marketing campaign," Neji returns, with the straightest face he can manage.
Her scrutiny turns dubious this time. "Sure, Neji."
"Don't you have somewhere to be?" he asks, growing impatient. It is still warm and stuffy in the vehicle, and Neji would very much like to be fanning himself with anything he can get his hands on.
"Nope." Tenten reaches in and nudges the hot dog with her fingertip. She giggles.
"Will you stop that already-" Neji snaps.
"It looks silly on you," she grins again, and steps back to survey him.
Neji is a little offended, because he is actually pretty fond of his hot dog hat. He glares at her (and realizes that the effectiveness of his glare is, no doubt, diminished by his hat and vehicle).
"Look," he begins, leaning towards her. Tenten gasps, and holds her hand flat in front of his face, pulling her phone out of her back pocket with her other hand.
"Wait, Neji. Your hot dog is in the perfect light," she whispers, as if revealing the secrets of some grand conspiracy. Neji glares at her, his fists clenched, and she is snapping a photo of him before he knows it.
Neji snarls then, and glares at her. "Don't post that on Facebook," he growls.
"What about Instagram?" she asks with an easy smile.
"Don't post any picture of me anywhere," he snaps, and stares sullenly at her.
"Can I have a selfie with you though?" Tenten smiles, and waves her phone at him. She's turning with her back to him and tapping the screen of her smartphone before he even attempts to answer, and he sees the real-time image of him and her on the phone.
"Don't do that," he protests, though she's already making silly faces at the camera and snapping shot after shot of them. Neji realizes that he does not stand a chance against her, so he looks away, to remove himself from her pictures. He is not having his photo taken with her, especially not while he's in this ridiculous hot dog-patterned uniform. And his hat.
"Can I wear your hot dog hat?" Tenten asks, after she has exhausted all manners of selfies shot with him (as an unwilling participant).
"No," he tells her, trying not to roll his eyes. (Hyuuga do not roll their eyes.)
There is a mischievous glint in her eyes then, and Neji has a moment to fully experience the sense of foreboding in his gut, before Tenten reaches in to grab at his hat. Neji jerks away, barely noting that she is now taking selfies of her attempt to steal his hat, and leans as far away from the window as he possibly can to avoid her straining fingers.
He thinks he has succeeded in foiling her, until Tenten pushes herself bodily through the window and snatches the hat off his head. She retreats just as quickly - her accomplishment is made official with a snapshot of her wearing his hat, a wide grin on her face.
(The very last pictures in that particular album comprise of blurred shots of the sky, the ground, and the occasional limb, when Neji reaches out of the window and grapples with her for his hot dog hat.)
The hat ends up on the ground in a dusty mess, almost trampled on by Tenten, and he knocks her phone out of her hand in an attempt to leave the Weinermobile to save his hat. The phone clatters noisily onto the asphalt road.
"My phone!" Tenten cries miserably, crouching down to rescue it. "It cost me a fortune!"
"Perhaps you shouldn't wave it around while trying to attack me," he tells her coldly, and brushes the dust off his precious hat. Tenten shoves him in the shoulder; Neji sends her a dirty look.
"Well, I'm sending the pictures to my friends," she tells him in retaliation, typing quickly on her phone. (At least it isn't broken, Neji surmises. It's a pity that those pictures are still accessible.)
A tow truck pulls up behind them then, and Neji is mightily glad for its appearance.
"Can I bring your hat home for a day?" Tenten dares to ask, cheekily.
He glares at her. "No."
It is forever and a day before the Weinermobile is hooked up to the tow truck, and pulled back onto the street. He pays the truck driver, collects his receipt, and slams the door behind himself before Tenten has a chance to say anything else.
Neji breathes a sigh of relief when he is finally on the road again, though all he finds, when he looks to the side for his trusty hot dog hat, is thin air. He touches the top of his head, just in case, and checks the floor. Nothing.
Anger bubbles hot in his middle, and Tenten and her car are long gone by the time he checks his rear view mirror for them. Neji punches his dashboard, hard.
He wakes up the next morning to a picture message on his phone.
It is one of Tenten, smugly wearing his hot dog hat, captioned by a single word: revenge.
He tosses his phone on the bed, too furious to wonder how she even got his number, and gets ready for class. Neji is glad it's a Monday, because she is more likely than not to be in school.
Where are you, he texts the unidentified number, that he can't be bothered to save as Tenten's.
In school, she replies, almost immediately, but the hat is not on me.
Where is it, Neji asks next. This is theft.
I might have tossed it into a nearby tree, she says, and adds a smiley face in the following message. Neji narrows his eyes.
I have more dignity than to climb trees looking for a hat, he tells her.
Suit yourself, comes Tenten's reply.
He spends his free periods in school that day squinting up into the trees.
Tenten spends every other day in school slipping away from his grasp, always with a smile on her lips. He finally manages to pin her down on Friday, with a hand firmly on her shoulder.
"Tenten," Neji begins. She turns to face him. (She is just a little shorter than him, he notices.)
"You know my name," Tenten grins. He narrows his eyes. This girl has been filling his thoughts for the past week, and not for the first time, he finds himself noticing that, hot dog hat saga aside, she is actually very attractive beyond her tomboyish shirt and pants. And unlike the other female students, she has not even hit on him once.
"My hat," he tells her. She's measuring him with a steady glance, and looking past his shoulder, as if searching for a way to escape.
There isn't anyone around besides them in this corridor - he's been here often enough to know the traffic patterns of this place.
"It's not on me," Tenten repeats. Amusement dances in her eyes. There are low floral notes on her, that tease his nostrils.
"Then where is it?" he mutters, stepping closer to her.
The slow smile that spreads across her lips is almost tempting. "It's on your back porch. I guess you don't go there very often," she murmurs.
Neji suddenly feels incredibly stupid.
"How did you get my address?" he snaps, to bury the feelings of inadequacy in his chest.
Tenten watches him, the same smile still playing on her lips. "I have ways to obtain information. Go on, check your back porch. I swear your precious hat is there."
And through his annoyance, Neji can't help but wonder about the texture of her mouth, those impertinent lips, and whether she'll respond if he kisses her-
"Are you single?" he blurts, inches away from her face.
"Pardon?" Tenten blinks and stares at him as if he's gone insane. (Neji thinks he has, indeed, lost his marbles.)
He decides to bypass the question, and propriety, and Rule #117 of the Hyuuga Code, and presses his lips to hers.
Tenten feels soft, moist against him; she tenses for moments, before slowly relaxing, parting her lips to his. Neji is about to taste her when she pulls away, leaving mere inches between their lips.
Neji finds himself caught in her gaze - a mix of surprise and delight - and marvels at how she's ensnared his attention through his hat (he believes her, that the hat is on his back porch), though that can wait, because he would like to explore her mouth right now-
She's stepping back towards him and brushing her lips over his, and it doesn't take long for him to venture into her mouth, sliding wetly, intimately against her (and at the back of his mind, Neji thinks this is a little like having sex). Tenten moans, angles her head to press herself more firmly against him- He's pinning her to the wall and sliding his palm over the swell of her hip when she pushes him away, lightly, a smile tugging on her lips.
He inhales deeply to steady his breathing (because Tenten has got him ruffled more than he should be) and shoves the thought of her in fewer pieces of clothing out of his mind.
"That hot dog should really be sandwiched between some buns, don't you think?" Tenten muses, her voice breathy, and Neji's thoughts plummet straight back into the gutter. He stares mutely at her, not trusting himself to speak. She grins at him, extricates herself from his arms. "See you around, Neji."
He's still staring at the sway of the hips when he realizes that he was supposed to be in another class, just about fifteen minutes ago.
LOL ;) There might or might not be a continuation to this, so for now, it's labeled as complete.