Authors Note: Hi, this is my first ever fic. I was listening to Simple Plan's Perfect and thought that it fit Sam and John's relationship so well. This being my first fic, I hope its cohesive in the thought process as I just let my thoughts flow through the keyboard, so hopefully its ok. Any flamers or negative comments will just be ignored, if you are going to criticise this story, please let it be constructive criticism on how to make it better.

Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural, nor do I own Simple Plan's Perfect.

Italics are Sam's thoughts and written words in his journal.

Samuel Winchester was just ending his first year at Stanford, it turned out to be everything he thought it was going to be, and everything he didn't. It had been a year since he had last seen his brother and father, both men who were his entire world up until he decided he wanted out. Wanted out of hunting, wanted out so he could have a better life, a normal life. Still, he couldn't help but wish they were there with him, to share in what he had accomplished so far. Simply put, he missed them.

As he sat in his dorm room at his study desk writing in his journal, he kept wondering whether they were ok, whether they missed him and were wanting to talk to him as much as he was them. However there was no word from them. Of course, he had tried to contact them himself, but they must have changed their numbers or were just ignoring his calls, as all he was getting were their voicemail. He realised before now that his father was stubborn, and wouldn't go back on his word that Sam would be out of the family if walked through that door. But Dean, he didn't expect it from. He thought Dean would have stayed in contact with him, but then he wrote Dean didn't even say a word when I was leaving, he just looked and never said a word or called me back when I walked through that door. Maybe he thinks it's better I left like dad does. Maybe he thinks I'm not suited for hunting, too weak for it, always wanting to be normal and not what we were. He was always the better son, the good little soldier, the prodigal son, always following whatever dad said, whilst dad and I fought about everything. I guess in dad's eyes I could do no right and would never be the perfect son that Dean so obviously was for him.

Dad you hated that I wanted to be normal, to not hunt things that go bump in the night, to actually go to school and have a career.

I just wanted to make you proud of me, to be proud of who I am and instead of disappointed in who I'm not.

I know that you want me to be more like Dean, but I'm not, and I'm never going to be. If you want to compare me to someone, look at yourself. I'm too much like you, that's why we butted heads all the time. I don't think its something that is ever going to change. Can't you just accept that?

I'm sorry I'm never going to be the perfect son to you.

You told me that if I walked through that door that I better not come back. Do you know how much that hurt? To realise that you didn't care? Or at least if feels like you just don't care, I may have walked out, but I've tried to talk to you and you have seemingly abandoned me.

Whilst I do love it here at Stanford, I wish everything could be ok between us again dad. That all three of us could just be alright.

Having said that, you just don't understand that I have my own dreams and goals in life. Dreams that mom would have wanted me to achieve, instead of going on hunts for the demon that killed her who you are no closer to finding now then you were 19 years ago.

I'm sorry I can't be perfect, and I hope you're able to let go of your stubborn pride like I have mine and answer my calls, I don't want it to be too late for us and to have wishes and regrets, because we can't go back and change it no matter how much we would wish to.

End of Journal Entry no. 57 Perfect by Sam Winchester