The Holy Scripture of Velveeta
In the lands before time existed, only one element reigned SUPREME. Velveeta is the omniscient and omnipotent founder of the Earth and all we find divine. In this time of darkness, His Holy Cheesiness created the Earth out of plastic and spoiled milk. At first, little lived. However, through the power of calcium, man eventually sprouted up. These early men survived solely through His Holy Cheesiness' nutrition; however, in time they learned how to cultivate the lands. Their orange, plastic cows fed millions of people in vast, orange cities. And one of these people was responsible for it all: Sargento. Sargento was the man first created by His Holy Cheesiness, along with his adversary, Baby Bell. Sargento taught early men how to farm plastic cows, and helped them survive like a caring mother. His caring led to the birth of civilization. He created ancient wonders such as Tenochtitlan, Mesopotamia and Stalingrad. He watched these civilizations grow, the fruits of his labor. However, Sargento's celebration wasn't lasting long. Baby Bell came along and literally stole his thunder, with disgusting wax all over her. She assassinated him, taking over the world. This threw the world into a tumultuous state. Wars broke out. Famines spread. His Holy Cheesiness hated what had happened. To punish the evil man, he recalled all of his Velveeta from all over the world. This threw the world into mass starvation and got rid of all the orange people, and only Sargento, brought back to life by an Italian plumber with a mushroom addiction, survived. He built a fondue pot which fed him for months, while everyone else died horrible deaths. He and his family rebuilt after the famine, creating a whole new line of good men totally not made worse by incest because his children were the last people on Earth. These good people repopulated the Earth, and created the world we know today. However, this good wouldn't last long. Cheez-Its began to roam the Earth. These bootleg cheese squares must be killed. Thus began the Cold War. Cheez Its and our Velveeta boys made bigger and bigger nuke-a-ma-jiggers, and threaten to bomb each other. Our Velveeta boys won, of course, thus ending the melted Velveeta war. This is where you are, fellow follower of His Holy Cheesiness. You live in a world blessed by plastic and orange. To show your respect, please pray every 5 minutes with a piece of Velveeta cheese. In addition, remember to be good. If you're good, you'll get a ticket to CheezyLand after death! And if you're bad, you'll be drinking spoiled milk for the rest of your days, buddy. However, if you want out of this life, just pay 40 easy payments of $2999! Thank you for your patience, and have a nice day, valued customer!
Picture of His Holy Cheesiness in His dormant state