Caught Between Two Evils
An abandoned classroom, protected by a silencing charm.
Lily's hate was as passionate as her friendship had been. "I cannot believe you, Sev!" Lily cried, and was on the verge of tears. Had it been anybody else, Severus would have thought the person was acting irrationally, operating blinded by emotion instead of looking at things logically. Even as it was, he still stared on, bored, impassive, unmoved by his friend's outburst. He had heard this argument so many times it failed to faze him anymore. "How could you do that? With your friends? Mary MacDonald spent the entire day crying in the girls' bathroom and no one could console her!"
"It was a joke," Severus said, trying to smile cockily, like that Potter, because he knew, even if she didn't want to admit it to herself, least of all him, that she liked him. Maybe not for his personality – after all, what was there to like about his personality? –, but for his looks. He could not deny the power of a carnal attraction himself, and did not blame her. Carnal desires was something he had no control over, either, as most people. It was something you could control, but not something you could make disappear with a flick of your wand. There were some things magic just could not fix.
"Oh, really? I didn't see Mary laughing," Lily said, her face as red as her hair, her vivid green eyes alive with fury. Severus could not help but be attracted to her, even in such a state. Besides, he knew that if he let her go on and on, eventually she would get tired of it all and give up altogether. Afterwards, for a while, they could go back to being friends, and during these periods of peace, Severus could convince himself that perhaps, one day, they could progress beyond that stage as well. But these periods began getting shorter and shorter, and he knew it was his behavior that set her off each time, but he could not help it. Not that he wanted to, but being unable to help it made him seem less like less of a git, and he would have done anything to keep her, even lie a little bit. Maybe, if his circumstances changed one day, he would be able to change too. Lily just didn't understand what it was like to be him.
"Well, that's because MacDonald lacks a sense of humor," Severus replied simply.
His nonchalance made Lily's head boil over, and Severus watched with mild amusement and a slight pang of guilt as she attempted to control her temper. Am I really doing this to her?, he asked himself, then told himself he was only doing it because he had to.
"Mary doesn't lack a sense of humor," Lily said, seething inside, her nostrils flaring. "How would you have reacted, Severus," she asked, "if your friends had done the same to me as they had to her? Huh? Would you have found it funny?"
"No," Severus said immediately. How could she think that? How could she possibly think that he would have found it funny if they performed Dark Magic on her? There was no humor in that, what on Earth… then he caught himself and silenced this train of thought. Lily just doesn't understand. "MacDonald's nothing like you. MacDonald's – ordinary," he said the word with such hatred it became clear to Lily that his worst fear was being mediocre. "You're a talented, beautiful witch and MacDonald's nothing. Especially compared to you,"
Lily's eyes glistened with tears of frustration. "Severus," Lily said. "You're smart. In fact, you're very, very intelligent. How can you not see that what you're saying is completely detached from reality? How can you not see that it is hateful, repulsive and bigoted?"
"Are you saying I am hateful, repulsive and bigoted?" Severus's worst fear was that Lily would one day came to see him as he saw himself. Then, he thought, all hope would be lost for them to ever progress beyond the stage they were at in their relationship.
"No," Lily said exasperatedly. "You don't get it! You don't want to get it! You're doing this on purpose! Severus, I'm trying to salvage whatever we have left because I don't want to throw five years of friendship out the window! Are you trying to make me go mad? Are you trying to sabotage my attempts on purpose?"
"You're trying to change me," Severus said. "That's the problem. And I'm never going to change. You shouldn't go into relationships expecting the other person to change."
"And who said that now, Dr Phil?" Lily snapped, tears streaming down her cheeks. Severus's heart skipped a beat. She's too emotional, he thought. It's not your fault. But he could feel the pang of guilt he had earlier tried to suppress getting stronger.
"Who's Dr Phil?"
"Like you don't know, Sev!" Lily was screaming now. "Why do you have to act like being a Muggle is somehow shameful?"
"Have you met my father? He's a Muggle, and I think he's a fair representation of all Muggles," Severus replied, getting testy himself. Who was she, Little Miss Perfect with the easiest life, to criticize his choices? She didn't understand anything, but here she was, acting like the beacon of light and the epitome of a moral person!
"Have you met my parents?" Lily retorted. "I think they're a fair representation of Muggles,"
"Actually, I would say Petunia is closer to a fair representation of all Muggles, more so than your parents," Severus replied, his face impassive.
His calmness made Lily even madder. Little did she know that on the inside, he was seething as well; he was just careful to hide it, as he had learned early on in his life, his emotions could serve as powerful ammunition against him. "You can't use your bad experiences to stigmatize an entire class of people!" Lily cried. "What does that make me then?"
Oh, was that what she was worried about?, Severus thought to himself. He had to hold back a smile because he knew that would just make Lily even more furious. "Come on, Lily. You know you're an exception, and so are your parents for that matter. Muggles are generally vile and worthless, and –"
"You are just projecting your bad experiences onto an entire class of people!" Lily said, tears streaming down her face. "And you know, if you weren't in love with me, you would hate me too. If we wouldn't have met before Hogwarts, you would think I'm the same because you wouldn't have bothered to get to know me and you would have hexed me like Mary MacDonald. Can't you see? Can't you see how messed up your thinking is? You and your bloody friends'? Why don't you get over your victim complex, and realize that from little abused boy you've become an abuser yourself? And then you dare insinuate that you're somehow better than Potter?! Are you crazy? You're not innocent, Severus, as much as I love you, someone has to tell you the truth! You hex Muggleborns because you think they're less than human. Potter and his cronies hex you because they think you're less than human too! And you wanna know why? Because you're a blood purist! Funny how that works, huh? So don't you dare ever insinuate again that somehow you're better than them, because you're just the same, if not worse, because blood purists like you are terrible, terrible people and the only fault you can find with Muggleborns like me is their heritage, which is not exactly their fault, is it? Just like yours isn't. But somehow, yours doesn't matter." Lily's eyes were aflame with fury. "So, between two evils, I'll choose the one that doesn't want to eradicate my kind, thank you very much."
Without another word, before Severus could say anything – though he did not know what he would have said had he been given the chance –, Lily turned on her heels and strode out the door, banging it shut behind her. Pretty soon, her previous presence turned into a mere memory. Her absence would haunt him forever, but he would never, ever admit that she was right, or change his ways, even if it meant a chance at love with her. Blood purity was more important.
A/N: Basically a summation of all the reasons I think it would have been impossible for Lily & Sev to work. What do you think? I don't know if I should continue you yet or not.