Own two cats and a dog. Not Gundam Wing.
Song is by Ozzy Osbourne / Running Out of Time
Calm….serene…timeless.
Sounds, children's laughter, a disgruntled dog's bark, the leaves in the trees moving. A hint of spice and musk breathed in, the touch of a breeze on my skin,… the coolness contrasts with the warmth of the sun. All have melded together to become unsubstantial. I can no longer single one sound, touch, or sense out.
Yet I hear…everything. …Feel….everything…See….
Behind closed eyes I see the room. The curtains gently sway at the window, causing light shadows to shift along the floor and walls. Spinning the wind chimes into a teasing melody. The incense burning, sending small puffs of smoke up to dissipate with the small breeze. The pictures on the wall, some in bold strokes, others gentle whispers of color. The hardwood floor gleaming reddish gold, the cream of the walls warming and reflecting the sun back at my kneeling figure.
I have no idea how long I've sat. Hours, minutes, days? Time has stopped for me.
(
Been around this world so many timesIf you could only see my mind
I watch my secret heaven turn to hell)
Worn images of my past. Of long dead dragons, my family. A dark eyed bride with the soul of a warrior teases me with gentle laughter. Smiles of familiar faces, touches of belonging, move through my mind. . Shenlong's stern and noble profile, guarding me, supporting me, together we went to so many different lands. Places I read about in my studies. Places I had only dreamed of and wondered. I saw this, I did this. A shiver of forgotten excitement brushes me and I hear the dragons soft laughter in mine as I remember.
………Darkness comes seeping in disturbing my thoughts. Chasing my contentment away. Emptying me as each memory strikes. Harsh and jarring it brings splashes of destruction, blood, cries of dragons in pain and betrayal. I see it over and over. Images twisting and turning in my head. The voices screaming. Grief skitters through me as I listen to them. One voice rising above the rest, becoming clear and strong with battle fury, demanding retribution, demanding justice for them all. The one voice wraps around my soul, invading, stealing it away.
(Faith alone has guided me
The ghost of my own destiny
I haven't even got a soul to sell
All the things I put me through
I wouldn't wish my hell on you
You'll never know what's going on inside)
I will not lose my calm! I am not weak! I am not weak. I can feel the tears spill down my face as I struggle to find an anchor, a buffer, something to soothe my mind, my heart, my soul. To strengthen me. To strengthen my mask. This is my fate, my destiny, whatever it is called. This is what was supposed to happen. What I was chosen for. What I had to become. To uphold the believes of the clan. I am the clan. All that is left. The things I've done. The things I have accomplished. The people I saved. Everything I fought for it was what I believed was right. For justice. For the innocent.
. ….So no one else would suffer my loss.
(
Just another lonely broken heroPicking up the pieces of my mind
Running out of faith and hope and reason
I'm running out of time
Running out of time)
Shame fills me. For the innocent? …Because of me how many people are missing their loved ones right now? I have killed so many. Was the peace worth it? After all humanity went through, I prayed it would be. I found was for some but not for me. So empty. So cold. So alone. Life shook itself off and went on as I stood still. I could not find myself. I didn't know where to look. The voice of retribution called clear and strong. Demanding. It was not enough. My peace did not come at that time.
((Trouble always seems find
A way to live inside my mind
My haunted hell and me remain alone
Underneath my masquerade
A simple man who's so afraid
I try to find a light to guide me home))
Did I really believe in Dekim's words or was it just revenge? The war was over and I still had not healed. Nothing helped. Only in battle did the voice and my mind quiet. If I kept fighting, it stopped hurt, stopped the fear. I didn't have to think. I didn't have to feel anything but anger. At what I was never sure. Everyday it changed. I was so confused and I tried so hard to hide it. Questions kept filling my mind. Why? Why? Why? So many questions that had no answers… I see the dragon's eyes gazing at me with sorrow.
Forgive me………I never wanted to be a warrior. I never wanted to fight. I wanted to be a scholar. My battles with words and pen and paper…Forgive me……I never wanted to fight….. Of that I am guilty.
(Momma please just hold me tight
Feeling so afraid tonight
Cause your the only one that really knows)
I hear them. My wife. Her memory comes back to me. Chasing the dark away, surrounding me, comforting me. Drying the tears on my face. Merian smiles at me behind my eyes. I can almost feel her kiss brush against my cheek. Or is it the caress of the wind? Almost hear her whisper " Forgive" Or is it just the wind chimes swaying in the breeze? Is that the perfume she wore or the scent of summer blooms outside the window? I have forgotten for so long.
(Just another lonely broken hero
Picking up the pieces of my mind
Running out of faith and hope and reason
I'm running out of time
Running out of time)
I see them. My parents. Standing beside each other. Father straight and proud. Mother gentle and serene. Their bearing has pride in it. The pride of the dragon. They gaze at me. I stare back hoping I have become what they wanted…..Father I am a Preventer now. I help to keep the peace and protect the innocent. Are you proud? Mother I'm trying to feel again. Are you happy? Merian, I wish to love someone, Let me go on? Dragon Clan, I want to be me. I want peace…for me… May I? Everything seems to still. I breathe out, my body relaxing. My senses quiet. I think of all I have seen, experienced, learned. In my soul I believe I have been heard and I wait for an answer. A question fills my waiting mind. "What matters?" The room seems to hold its breath and suddenly newer memories surge in.
(
Fighting for my sanityMany nights of tragedy
Got to leave my Wretched ways behind)
(Just another lonely broken hero
Picking up the pieces of my mind
Running out of fate and hope and reason
I'm running out of time
Running out of time)
A skittering noise alerts me. The jingle of keys confirms. Someone is home. I hear the front door open, followed by the murmur of Quatre's voice and Duo's laugh. The place I have been at slowly starts to fade at the edges, reality trying to push in. I can hear the two moving around downstairs, from the sounds, putting groceries away. I cannot hear what is said as they talk back and forth just the lilt of their voices in conversation. Quatre's rises in question, Dou answers the same. I hear one moving again out of the kitchen to the hall then up the steps. I can tell its Duo by the time he's reached the landing. All of us have a distinct walk. We move a certain way that tells the others who it is by that alone. Some of our acquaintances think we have a supernatural bond. Saying we all move so quietly there could be no other way to tell. Maybe it's a soldier thing but its there. Saved our lives more then once. Quatre and me are the noisiest, Dou the quietest. His footsteps stop outside my door. A quiet knock sounds followed by "Wu? Ya home?" I can hear the ever-present laughter in his voice as I slip the rest of the way back into the present. I steel my voice to reply " Maxwell?" I stand wincing as I realize my legs have fallen asleep. Ouch. Pins and needles. Ow. I shake my legs out as I move to the door. Opening it to reveal Duo's curious gaze. He smiles at me, cocking his head to the side as a violet gaze travels over me, checking for any obvious injuries. His braid seeming to twitch itself to the side as if too wanted to check. Satisfied there isn't anything life threatening he looks back into my face. "You ok? How'd it go? Hungry? No major band-aids needed? Did you have any trouble? Did Une give you some time off after this?" I hold up a hand physically trying to ward myself from the next barrage of questions. I raise an eyebrow at him as I step out of my room, "Maxwell, Breathe!" His laughter sets the last piece in place and I have my answer. I know "What matters".
(I'm running out of time
Running out of time)