What's up? I know, I know, I've still gotta complete that one story. But Leonardo basically smacked me across the face with this one. I had no choice but to comply! Hope you guys enjoy it.

Summary: When Leo discovers something brewing between him and Raph, will he be strong enough to confront Raph about it, or will he simply let himself fade into the blackness? Rated for M/M slash themes, thoughts of suicide. LeoxRaph

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or TMNT. I don't make any money from this.

Leonardo watched his brother out of the corner his eye. He took in the ripple of Raphael's strong muscles, the ragged edge to his breathing, as his brother twirled his sais expertly not twenty paces away. There was so much Leo wanted to say, but he held it in. Practiced his katas.

Leo could feel his body moving, though his thoughts were far away. He felt his leg sweep in a perfect arc, his swords gliding almost noiselessly through empty air. He didn't need this practice, he knew, but he loved the feel of his katana in his hands, loved the precision with which he could move.

In the dojo, he was the epitome of grace. He was majesty. He was deadly perfection.

Outside, he felt like an awkward fourth wheel, or an unwanted guest. As the leader, he had a duty to keep his brothers in check. Leo was satisfied with this responsibility at first, but before long, he had felt a wedge being driven between him and his other brothers, especially Raph. He hadn't realized it at first; not until they started looking at him with the same cautious gaze they used around Splinter.

Anger surged through him, and Leo faltered in his kata. Quickly, he worked to establish control once more. He glanced at Raph in a strange sort of panic, let out a tiny breath of relief when he found his younger brother hadn't noticed his mistake. Which brought Leo back to why, exactly, he spent so much time in the dojo.

He couldn't pick out an accurate time or place where his feelings toward Raph had changed. It didn't happen all at once, but gradually. It took a while for Leo to notice it himself.

Shaking his head, he dropped his swords to the floor with a clatter. He could feel Raph's eyes on him then. He didn't dare look back.

Leo stalked over to the punching bag in the corner, as he had watched Raph do so many times before. Raph's other brothers rarely used the bag; they kind of looked at it as Raph's personal possession. The old thing seemed about to fall apart, but it held under Leo's first punch.

Raph was watching him more intensely now. Brown eyes bored holes into his back. Leo almost couldn't take it-the staring. At the same time, he sort of enjoyed it.

The way he felt about Raph, must have always felt, had hit Leo fully while he was deep in meditation. They had had another fight, a bad one, and this one had come to blows. Leo had finally lost his head and punched Raph. Actually hit him! Raph had recoiled from the shock of it all, had stormed up to his room before Leo could apologize.

He would never forget the look of hurt on Raph's face. The one that spoke volumes without really saying anything at all.

So Leo had come to his conclusion spiritually, the same way he came to all of his greatest resolutions. He loved Raph, as more than a brother. Much more. He could suddenly see right through all of their fights, the hateful words. They were blinded by passion.

At least, Leo was. He honestly had no clue how Raph felt. That one look into Raph's eyes, after they fought, had been one of the few times Raph had ever slipped off that dumb mask of arrogance he wore. His brother had clammed up for a good while afterward. If Leo entered the room, he would promptly excuse himself. Every time Leo had tried to get Raph alone, he would be pushed away harshly.

It infuriated Leo to no end. Couldn't Raph see what they could have together, what Leo was willing to give him? Leo had opened himself up to vulnerability a long time ago. But Raph... He knew it would be difficult for his brother.

If he even felt the same way.

Leo refused to think about that.

"Leo."

He stiffened instantly, brought his fists down. His punching must have grown too frenzied, and he hadn't bothered to wrap his hands. His knuckles were bleeding profusely. Leo simply stared down at them in wonder. Since when had he become so out of control?

Leo tried to step away. He didn't know what was up with him, he was out of his head. A rough hand grabbed his shoulder, rooting him to the spot. The blood froze in Leo's veins, and he hoped Raph wouldn't notice how his breath hitched at the simple touch.

"Leo, what's wrong? Look at me," his brother demanded. Raph came into his view then, and a hand slid to his face, forcing him to look at his brother. Searing eyes implored him to spill all his secrets, to bare his soul, but Leo couldn't do that. He loved Raph, but if he ever knew about it, he would just be disgusted.

Leo took a breath, composed himself. It was a difficult task with Raph's hands on him, one finger stroking his cheekbone idly. "I'm fine, Raphael. You don't have to worry about me."

He used Raph's full name, like he always did when he was serious. He looked up into Raph's eyes, defiant, then quickly realized his mistake. Raph would take that as a challenge. He would never be left in peace, now.

"Listen, fearless," Raph growled, and Leo flinched a little. The nickname had never quite fit him, especially not now. Here. With Raph. "I know I've been acting like an asshole lately. But that's just me, ya know?"

Raph was looking at him with that openness again, the kind that made Leo want to hold him and kiss him and possibly throw him down on the floor to take him right there. He whimpered pitifully. He couldn't allow himself to think such thoughts.

"Hey, Leo. It's okay," Raph told him. His eyes still searched Leo's. Leo hoped he wouldn't find the truth written there somewhere.

"No, it's-erm, I mean, yes it is. You're right. I should totally get going," Leo said, too quickly. He tried to pull away from Raph again, but his bulkier brother gripped his shoulders tightly.

"Leo, there's somethin' I got to tell ya."

Oh, no. Here it came. Leo didn't want to hear Raph's excuses about why things just wouldn't work between them, how he just didn't feel that way. They would only be brothers. That's all.

Leo wouldn't be able to take it, he knew. If he heard those words come out of Raph's mouth right now, he was going to kill himself. He would rip his swords from their sheaths and plunge them both straight into his heart, heroics be damned.

Leo straightened. He wouldn't let Raph say this. "I already know how you feel, Raph."

Raph actually jumped back in shock. He was almost hyperventilating. Leo felt the need to pull him into a warm embrace, but he controlled himself. Raph probably wouldn't appreciate that right now. He tried his best to smile, though he was sure it didn't reach his eyes. Leo sighed. He was full of weak attempts. He didn't deserve someone like Raph.

Raph gasped for words. "Leo-"

Leo held up a hand to silence him. "It's okay. I understand now why we could never make an 'us.' You don't have to explain."

Leo watched Raph's face fall, unsure of what it meant. He had never seen more hurt in Raph's eyes before. It was as if he had punched him again. But wasn't this what Raph wanted? An easy out?

"You don't understand what you're sayin', Leo," Raph muttered, a grimace plain on his features. Leo drew in a sharp breath. He still longed for Raph, even now. The attraction factor he could get over, in time. Raph's anger at him... For forever... Leo didn't know how he would fare.

You can only be scorned for so long before you start to believe the words.

"I understand," Leo choked. He felt like he couldn't breathe, like someone had cut off his air supply. Severed his life line.

The two turtles stood in silence for several more minutes, Raph staring at his feet, Leo wondering what he was thinking. Oh, he was going to die. The pain would split him in two, for sure. But not until Raph opened his mouth, said something, anything. Some small, pathetic part of Leo still hoped that his brother would come around. Another part of him knew it wouldn't happen.

Exhausted, Leo sank against the wall of the dojo. The rough concrete scraped against his shell as he sank down to the floor. His legs had gone numb and wobbly; they could no longer hold his weight.

Raph still didn't speak. Leo knew he had to end this. He would expire of misery before Raph even got a word out, at the rate they were going.

"Hey," Leo began, mentally kicking himself as Raph looked up expectantly. There were tears in his brother's eyes, and he had absolutely no idea what to say. Well, that was a lame start. Couldn't get much worse.

"I just want you to know, um, that it's okay if you can never love me as more than a brother, Raph. I was foolish to think-" Leo blinked back his own tears furiously."I... I thought I had it all figured out. I was meditating, and it just hit me. It never occurred to me that I could be wrong. But I should have known. And I'm... I'm so sorry, Raph."

Leo looked up, then had to shake his head in surprise. Had his vision betrayed him, too? Was his mind resorting to hallucinations to keep itself from shattering? Geez.

Somewhere during Leo's speech, Raph had started smiling. Honest to goodness smiling! Leo didn't understand why his brother would do such a thing. Was he about to start mocking Leo? Insulting him?

Leo didn't think he could take that, either. He really should have been more prepared.

"Oof!" Leo gasped in surprise as Raph suddenly threw his arms around Leo, pulling him into a tight hug. Gingerly, Leo allowed his own arms to snake around Raph's shell. He was still worried that Raph might decide to pull away-that it would strike him as too weird, hugging his hopelessly gay, hot-for-him older brother.

"Leo, I don't think you quite got what I was tryin' to tell ya earlier. You know, if you actually SHUT UP and listened to me fer once, ya might spare yourself a whole lot of trouble."

Then Raph was kissing him, and his mind exploded.

Leo had just enough time to think that no, it was Raph's kiss-THAT was deadly perfection-before he was kissing his brother back. He gave up all control.

"I love you," came a faint whisper, and then Leo's world faded to just Raph and himself, intertwined in the dojo.

So? Good? Bad? Ugly? Hahaha.. Anyways. Let's get down to business. I wanna know every mistake I made, what I can do to make this better. All of this is no good for me if I don't learn anything from it! Please R&R.

-DauntlessAdrenaline