A/N: This is just a short little one-shot I wrote after watching the lawless episode. It's Obi-wans reaction, when he is finally on the ship back to Coruscant and has time to think about what happened. I'm not a native speaker, so I apologize for any mistakes I make. I'm really not sure, if my english is good enough for this, but SW in german just doesn't work for me. I hope it's not too bad :S
And the numbness faded
Numbness. Pain and numbness. Pain in my head and my legs. Running. Jumping and running. Punching in buttons. Hoping I hit the right ones through the blur clouding my vision. Streaks. The streaks of Hyperspace did nothing to soothe me as I stared out of the cockpit into space. And slowly the numbness faded. I tried to clinge to it, to not let it go, but it left me now that I was out of danger. Left me to the unbearable pain lying beneath that shield.
I sat there in the pilots seat and stared unseeingly at the stars, all the while having memories coming up in my mind, the scene of just moments ago: Satine struggeling in that invisible grip and then lying in my arms, more vulnerable than I had ever seen her before. But also more beautyful in her last moments, like an angel of the force, her gentle blue eyes resting on me and I could see the love shining in them, more clearly than ever. The pain ripped trough my heart and I felt my eyes warming. I didn't bother trying to stop the tears silently sliding down my face and burried my head in my hands. Satine … that wonderful woman with her compassionate spirit, quiet and often seemingly cold on the outside and yet so fierce on the inside. Noone had ever made me feel like she had. Noone had ever managed to raise my temper with just a few words like she had.
A slight smile touched my lips only to quickly vanish as I whimpered quietly. It hurt to smile. To know that I would never see and experience her like that again, never to have her blue eyes burning into mine again when she stood up against me for her pacifistic beliefs or to see a small, soft smile curve her lips whenever she wanted to hide that I had managed to amuse her. Yes, she would always wear that mask of a duchess in public, never letting many people close to her, only a few. And then there were the moments when we were alone, when that mask would fall off of her and she would grant me the honour of seeing the real person behind it, with all her warmth but also her vulnerabilities. Those moments in wich I would wish for nothing more than to take her into my arms, to feel her against me and have the reassuring knowledge that noone would be able to harm her in any way.
I had always felt protective of her, that feeling probably still ingrained in me from my time as a Padawan-learner. But this time I had failed to protect her. The one time she had really wanted my help, the one time she had begged for me to come help her, I had failed her. Just like my master. I had lost both of them to that monster. A part of me wanted to become angry, to give in to my hatred. It would lessen the pain, and hatred was better than this pain, everything was better, but … Hadn't she also begged me not to do just that? Not to listen to Maul and wander the dark path, so wonderfully tempting especially now? That path free of pain and guilt …
No, I knew I would resist that temptation because I knew that for her I would bear this pain, even if it hurt with every breath I took. I wouldn't become like him. I wouldn't become her murderer. For her I would let go of anger and hatred. For her I would do everything in my power to end this war and bring peace to the galaxy. And with a resolute movement I wiped away my tears and placed the familiar calm and serene mask on my face, just as the ship came into sublight over Coruscant. I was ready to face the council, ready to face the world and to pretend. To pretend like I always had, that Satine Kryze didn't … hadn't meant anything more to me than a friend.