The Letter
The night was chilly for San Diego. Josh pulled his jacket a bit tighter around himself and shifted on the cold wood of the park bench beneath him. The moon hung balefully in the dark sky.
It didn't make sense that he had chosen to come here, so late. He could have just as easily hidden away in his bedroom, or even the attic, where he certainly wouldn't have been bothered. Drake was the only one home, asleep on the living room couch, and if he woke up alone, there was no telling what sort of trouble his over active imagination might get him into.
But it just seemed like the appropriate place for him to come to do the task at hand.
He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the letter he had squirreled away, unbeknownst to his family, three days ago. Three days of torturing himself, putting off the letter, not wanting to open it. Because it could change everything if it wanted to.
He sucked in a breath, did a quick sweep of the familiar equipment with his tired eyes.
"Mommy, mommy, mommy! Will you push me on the swing?"
Soft, warm laughter.
"Alright, sweetie, how high do you want to go?"
"I wanna go underdog high! Way, waaaaay up!"
Josh pushed the unbidden memory from his mind, and set his numb fingers to the chore of tearing open the sealed envelope. Too slow and too fast the paper ripped under his assault. His hand began trembling and he had to stop, close his eyes, and take a deep breath.
"Josh, sweety, stay where mommy can see you!"
"Okay mommy, I promise!"
His eyes shot open, and he furiously tore away the remaining seal. Reaching in hesitantly, he pulled out sweet smelling stationary. The scent that drifting to him sent him back to nights nestled in her arms, back to days of running from school doors to her warmth. Her soft voice chasing away monsters in his room. Her tender story telling. He had to take in three short, quivering breaths to keep from sobbing.
"Mommy, tell me a story."
"Okay. Which one do you want?"
"The one about the little boy and the dragon."
"Once upon a time, there was a brave little boy. He lived with his mother in a house on a hill, and they promised to stay together forever…"
He hands unfolded the letter without the consent of his mind. The familiar sight of her tidy scrawl- once papers full of mystery for him to try and decipher- sent him reeling. A tiny hiccup and a tear escaped him.
"Mommy, what does that say?"
"That says cat, sweetie."
"What's that one say?"
"That one's your name. It says 'Josh', see? J-o-s-h."
"Wow!"
"That's right."
"What's that one say?"
"…"
"Mommy?"
"That one says… Walter…"
"Who's that?"
"…That's… the weatherman, sweetheart."
After breathing steadily for a few moments, he looked back at the writing on the letter.
My dearest Josh,
You do not know how hard it is for me to write this letter.
He sucked back a bitter, ironic laugh. She couldn't know how hard it was for him to read the letter.
A thousand different times I've tried and failed to find the perfect words. Words that would explain why I had to send you away… words to tell you that it was the hardest, scariest decision I'd ever had to make.
But I could not find them.
It made him want to scream. He had been doing so well. He hadn't lay awake in pain, wondering why she left him, for over a year now. He had a new family, people to take care of, things to do that no longer revolved around her. Once he worked so hard on his school work because he was so sure, that if he just did well enough, enough to make her proud, then she would come back.
But she never did.
The next section of words were marred by round drops of smeared ink. He wanted to rip the letter to shreds, but he didn't. Couldn't.
I can only say I love you. I hope it was the right choice. I hope your father saw what a wonderful little boy you are, what a good person I'm sure you've become.
I love you.
He read the words bitterly, even though part of him was endlessly grateful, and positive she had made the right decision. What kind of life would he have now, without his father? Without Drake, or Mindy? Megan and Audrey? He couldn't even imagine.
But he couldn't forgive her, either. And though he couldn't have everything, he couldn't have both worlds, he wanted them. He wanted them so badly.
There is no end to the things I need to say to you. There is no end. But there is no way to say them. This absence in my heart, where you once were, cannot be put into words. There is no way I can tell you how every night was like dying. There is no number for the amount of tears I cried. There is simply no way for you to know.
Except that he did. He had felt these things too. He had, and he knew words for them. Betrayed. Abandoned. Hopeless. Lonely. Heartbreak. Pain.
I have left my current address in this letter… Please, please write to me. I need to know that you're still there. I need your forgiveness. Please.
Forgiveness.
The word stirred a frenzy of emotions inside him. Raging, furious, helpless emotions.
He crumpled the letter into a ball, made to throw it, and then stopped. He pawed away the tears cascading down his face and smoothed out the letter.
All my love, all my life, all my everything,
Your loving mother
All her everything.
The address was written on a yellow post it, attached to the bottom of the letter. It was an apartment in L.A., and he shivered thinking about the time he had spent there with his siblings, so close to her and never knowing.
He gently folded the letter, placed it back into its envelope, and resolved to never read it again, whether or not he decided to write back.
---
He shut the front door as quietly as he could, shrugged off his jack, and started to hang it up when a sleepy voice called out from the living room.
"Josh?"
Hurriedly stuffing the letter into his jacket pocket, he called back, "Yeah, it's me."
Drake trotted into view, yawning. "What were you doing?"
"Just… figuring some stuff out."
"Oh," Drake eyed him worriedly for a moment, and it occurred to Josh that he had probably been acting strangely for these past three day. "Are you okay?"
Josh smiled, walking into the living room to stand next to his brother. "Yeah. I'm okay."
END