Harry had arisen this morning with the beautiful sun high in the sky and, the sound of someone grunting. No, it sounded like shouting. Harry bolted out of bed, just remembering that he was half-naked, and ran out the door fully dressed. He opened the door to see Dobby chasing Dudley with a knife in hand.
"Stop," Harry shouted.
Dobby stopped running and began to stab himself in the arm. Blood was gushing everywhere.
"Bad Dobby, bad Dobby," Dobby mumbled.
One last stab and Dobby fell down to the ground, limp and lifeless. Blood continued to pour out of the spot where Dobby stabbed himself repeatedly.
"Oh Dobby, oh Dobby. How could such a tragic thing like this ever happen," Hermione cried hysterically.
Suddenly Dobby sat upright.
"Ah, why it was a mere flesh wound, that is all," Dobby stated.
"Oh Dobby you're alive," Hermione screamed. She ran up to him and squeezed him to death. Literally. Hermione let go of him and he fell down to the ground. A dog ran inside the house and began to eat Dobby's motionless body.
"Eww, that's gross," Hermione said.
BANG! Someone had shot the dog and its now dismembered parts flew everywhere.
"Well, that's the last of those gosh ding dang stray dogs," the man with the gun said. He left.
In the kitchen you could hear Aunt Petunia crying… my precious…. Its ruined…. my precious…
"It's all right, Petunia. Just a bit of blood for that insolent little boy to clean up. The precious carpet will be all right," Uncle Vernon said very loudly. "Clean it up boy."
"No," Harry said.
"What did you just say to me you lousy piece of dirt," Uncle Vernon contorted.
"I said… AVADA KEDAVRA," Harry yelled.
Uncle Vernon fell down to the ground and did a face plant onto Dobby's now half-eaten body. You could faintly see his mouth in a chewing motion. Moments later, Dobby had vanished. Harry went over to Uncle Vernon and stomped on his head.
"Get off of me boy," Uncle Vernon shouted, although muffled by the ground. Harry backed away in surprise but was pulled down when Uncle Vernon grabbed him by the ankle. He began to violently swing his arm at Harry.
"REDUCTOR," Hermione yelled.
A bright orange light shot out from the end of her wand and hit Uncle Vernon, blowing him to pieces. An arm flew out the window, a leg flew into the burning fireplace, and an eyeball fell into the bowl of soup Ron was eating. Ron dipped his spoon into the soup and screamed.
"Oh my. I can't believe that an eyeball is in my soup. They taste so delish. Harry, Hermione, you won't believe my luck," Ron screamed.
"Well, he's seems to have a feminine side to him, too," Hermione whispered to Harry with a giggle.
The two began to laugh. Hard.
There was a knock at the door. Then another. Harry decided to get it. He opened the door to see a tall, old man with a long, silver beard standing before him.
"Ah, we meet again Harry," The anonymous man said.
"D-Dumbled-dore," Harry asked with a stutter.
"Yes, who else would I be you fool? Voldemort? I do not think so. Now you know why I am here don't you?" Dumbledore said.
"To give me a birthday present?" Harry questioned.
"Yes, well no. Harry, you just performed an illegal curse."
"Who cares? It was just Uncle Vernon. Nobody cares about a fat pig like him."
"Harry, I'm going to have to kill you," Dumbledore said.
In about two quick steps, Dumbledore had walked right up to Harry. On impulse, Harry kicked Dumbledore in the knee. He then punched him in the face. Again and again Dumbledore took Harry's punches, kicks, and kisses.
"Harry, why in the world are you kissing him," Hermione asked.
"I don't know. ACCIO GUN," Harry shouted.
Almost instantly a pistol flew into Harry's outstretched hands. Dumbledore was crouched over on the floor with blood leaking from several wounds.
"Thank you, Harry, for ending my unfortunate and miserable, life full of woe and mishap. For I, am Lord Voldemort, the man who killed your mum and dad and made you famous," Dumbledore/Voldemort said.
"I already knew that, duh!" Harry said.
Voldemort continued, "Now, my life shall end because you are going to shoot me!
"Hallelujah," Ron yelled.
Harry shot Voldemort not once, not twice, but fifteen times.
"Oh my, Harry, you didn't have to shoot him fifteen times," Hermione said.
"Your right, Hermione," Harry said. He shot him once more. "I knew that sixteen shots would work better, thank you, Hermione."
"Oh my, we're going to miss the train," Ron yelled.
"Why the heck do you care, Ron," Harry said. "You hate Hogwarts.
"Oh, that's right…."
"Oh my, we're going to miss the train," Ron yelled.
"Just shut up, Ron, just shut up," Ron yelled.
"No you shut up!"
"I told you first!"
"No you didn't!"
"Ron, why are you arguing with yourself?" asked Hermione.
"I like Hogwarts," he said with a stupid look on his face. A bird landed on the window behind him. It chirped at him loudly.
"Don't squawk at me little bird! SQUAWK! SQUAWK!" He danced around like a chicken. Hermione and Harry looked at each other, and then knocked Ron out with a frying pan.
"That should hold him," Harry said.
"What should hold him?" Ron asked. Harry hit him over the head with the frying pan.
"Hit him again! Hit him again! I think his head sounded hollow!" said Hermione. Harry shrugged, and then hit him again. Not once, not twice, but fifteen times.
"Harry!"
"Oh right, sorry! Sixteen times it is!" Harry hit him again.
"Ow…..ow…..ow…."
"Oh, hello Mrs. Weasley, Harry was just beating Ron with a frying pan. Ron said that it hurt pretty bad," Ron said to his mother as he walked in.
"AVADA KEDAVRA." Mrs. Weasley yelled.
The bird fell off of the window and then blew up.
"This is too weird…." Said Hermione. There was a long silence where nobody said anything. Then Ron slapped his hands on his face like the kid from Home Alone.
"Oh my, we're going to miss the train!"
"We're going to miss the train!" Ron yelled, again.
"Will you shut up all ready, you bumbling idiot!"? Mrs. Weasley yelled.
"SQUAWK! SQUAWK!" Ron squawked. Dudley was sitting on the couch like a frog. "RIBBIT! RIBBET!"
Hermione began to pull her hair in frustration. "Is everyone going insane?" she screamed.
Just then, Cornelius Fudge walked into the room. Ron looked at him stupidly. "SQUAWK!"
"Hello, Harry, it's your good friend, Fudge!" Harry pulled out his trusty gun. BANG! Fudge dropped dead.
"Harry!" Hermione yelled at him. Harry shot Fudge again.
"No. I didn't mean shoot him again," she screamed.
"Oh… well maybe you should have said something," Harry replied.
"I DID!" Hermione shouted, enraged.
"Fu--"
"Harry!" BANG! Harry shot him again.
"All I was going to say that Fudge is dead, don't freak out"
Ron ran past Harry and Hermione. "Oh my, we're going to miss the train!"
"Harry-" Hermione began. BANG! "Harry!" BANG! "HARRY!" BANG! HARRY! STOP SHOOTING THAT BLOODY GUN! BANG!
"Hermione, Ron, Harry-" BANG! "We need to leave," Mrs. Weasley announced without noticing Harry's gunshots.
After about half an hour, Harry finally stopped shooting now dismembered Fudge, and everybody could leave for the Hogwarts Express. With the Dursleys.
"Harry-" BANG! "Why are the Dursleys coming to Hogwarts with us?" Hermione questioned.
"I don't know…" Harry said. Suddenly Dobby hobbled over to them, walking on crutches.
"Hello Master Harry!" said the House Elf. Harry shot him in the kneecap. Dobby then rolled onto the train tracks just as the Hogwarts Express came into the station to crush him.
Several (thousand) band-aids later…
The group was sitting in a booth on the train. Dobby was crying like a baby. Hermione was trying to comfort him.
"It's all right Dobby, you're going to be fine. If you can live trough stabbing yourself repeatedly, being squeezed to death, being eaten by both a dog and a muggle, being shot by… um… never mind…. And being run over by a train; well, I believe that you are going to be all right and dandy!" Hermione said optimistically.
"I will forgive you, Master Harry," Dobby said. BANG!
"Harry!" BANG! Dobby was shot again. "How could you? He, aw, never mind," Hermione said angrily. Dobby fell over to the ground. Dead.
"I guess you spoke to soon, Hermione," Harry said flatly.
Suddenly, the Dursleys woke up. "Why are we on a bloody train?" Vernon screamed. This sentence was followed by a string of words that Harry didn't even know. He was promptly thrown out of the window. Petunia didn't notice or seem to care. She was curled up in the corner repeating the same thing over and over.
"My precious… my precious... it's ruined…my precious…" Meanwhile, Malfoy shoved the frog-like Dudley into a suitcase, which was indeed a very difficult task. Malfoy and his posse; Crabbe and Goyle, started to kick the suitcase around the train.
"I've got to do something about this," Harry said.
"But, Harry, you hat Dudley" Hermione objected. BANG! Dobby was shot once more. Ron was behind her having a squawking fight with Hedwig, Harry's owl.
Harry ignored her and stormed over to Malfoy with the look of icy determination on his face.
"And what do you want, Potter?" Malfoy asked coldly. Harry walked closer to Malfoy, stared him right in the eyes and said….
"Can I kick him too?"
The group (Harry, Hermione, that retard, Ron, and a very injured Dobby) was entering the Great Hall. Dumbledore was standing at the head table.
"Dumbledore, didn't you die?" McGonagall asked.
"Oh. Right. Just a sec," Dumbledore fell over onto the table with his face stuffed into a turkey.
"Well, it seems as if we need a new headmaster," Snape said and then added with a muttered tone, "Finally."
"Oh dear. The only person available is Krew, The bartender next door," McGonagall said.
A moment later, a very, very, very, obese man riding on a floating chair burst through the doors who was followed by an impressive-looking warrior carrying a scary-looking weapon. It seemed to be a rifle with a skull on the end.
"Students, allow me to introduce our new Headmaster, Krew! The owner of the Hip Hog Saloon! And his bodyguard, Sig!" Dobby then got up upon the table where he was sitting. Fawkes then swooped down and grabbed Dobby up into his beak and flew away. The students sat and watched, horrified at watching Dobby's life end once again.
Krew sat down at the Head table in between Sanpe and Flitwick.
"Hello, Krew. I am Professor Flitwick," said the jolly, short teacher. Krew bent over and ate him, which made Snape scoot away slowly.
"Okay…" Harry stuttered.
"Er…classes start tomorrow morning after breakfast. See you all bright and early tomorrow morning," Krew shouted over the now restless students.
Ron leaned over to Harry. "We'll be lucky if there's any breakfast left with him at Hogwarts."
The next day, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were in Defense Against the Dark Arts class.
"The best way to defend yourself against the Dark Arts is to lay down and die," Snape preached to his students. Dobby raised his hand. Snape glared at him, "Yes, Dobby?" he said in an irritated tone.
"Are you just saying that because you're a Death Eater?" the small elf asked.
"Of course not! Who wants to chain Dobby to the wall and use him for target practice?" The class filled with cheering and roaring.
"I'd take that as a yes," Snape grinned already beginning to chain him up to the wall.
"I am really getting tired of this," Dobby muttered.
Snape and the students fired spells at Dobby while Harry decided to shoot him with his gun.
After ten minutes of this great game, the class settled down and Snape began teaching again.
"Psst…! Harry!" Hermione whispered from across the room. After she said this she recognized her mistake. She clapped her hands over her mouth. BANG! Snape was shot in the head and then rushed to the Hospital Wing.
"So… what did you want, Hermione?" Harry asked innocently.
"Nevermind!" Hermione yelled.
"OK!"
"SQUAWK!" Ron squawked.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Harry yelled.
"Ahh…ooh…eeek…aw, the heck with this," Dobby stammered. He then fell to the ground.
"Harry-" BANG! Harry shot Dobby.
"Sorry, Lavender, Ha- he" she pointed to Harry, "he has a problem. When someone says his name he shoots off his gun!" Hermione whispered to Lavender.
"Poor Harry-" Lavender muttered. BANG! Another shot at Dobby.
Sig and Krew walked in. Sig came up to Harry and shook his hand.
"Pleased to meet you, Harry," BANG!
"Mr. Potter. Why in the world did you shoot my body guard?" Krew asked. Harry, Hermione, Ron, Lavender, and Krew looked down at Sig's now motionless body. "For that, I'm afraid, I am going to have to kill you," He finished.
"AVADA KEDAVRA," Krew shouted.
"Ahhh…yeow…" Dobby screamed.
"Uh… well, that's weird… I missed…I can't believe that I missed…" Krew said, on the brink of tears. This then followed an extremely long line of curses.
"SQUAWK!" Ron warbled.
BANG! Ron fell down to the ground. AS he was falling, he began to transform.
"Anybody want some turkey? It's fresh," the hunter that shot Ron said. Indeed, Ron's body had transformed into that of a turkey's.
A new Ron walked into the Potions room. "Hey, Hermione, hey, Har-. What Hermione? Don't say Harry's na-" BANG! "Don't say Harry's-" BANG! Ron said as he pointed towards Harry. "So what's going on guys? Why's Dobby, that man… oh right, Sig, and a turkey lying dead in here? And why does Ha-he keep shooting off his gun?"
"Well, let's just say that it's great to see you normal again, Ron," Hermione said with a slight smile.
"Ok, I guess I'll have to believe you on that one. So what class do we go to now?" Ron asked.
"We go to uhh… potions I believe. Is that right, Hermione?" Harry questioned her.
"Yes, Harry," BANG! "Ugh, yes that's right. But, it seems to be that we have a mistake. Left, Ron, not right, right takes you to the girl's lavatory," Hermione stated without emotion. Ron, despite what Hermione had just told him, kept walking to the right.
"Ron, were you listening to me?" Hermione asked.
"Yes," Ron answered flatly.
"Then why are you—Harry!" BANG! "Do something, Harry," Hermione shouted. BANG!
"Whatcha gonna do 'bout it?" Ron mocked as he turned around.
"Nothing," Harry said. Ron and Harry burst out in laughter.
"Good one, Harry! Oops!" Ron said. BANG! Harry shot Parvati Patil as she stepped out of the lavatory.
"How could you shoot her, Harry?" Lavender screamed. BANG! Harry shot her too. Parvati and Lavender now lie in a heap outside of the girl's lavatory.
"Get back here. This is not funny," Hermione screamed to Ron.
Ron took one step farther.
"Ron," Hermione warned. He took another step.
"CRUCIO!" Hermione shouted. "Oh, no!