'Behind Disabled Doors'
By Indiana
Characters: Claptrap, GLaDOS
Synopsis: Claptrap and GLaDOS, sitting in a tree, a-r-g-u-i-n-g. Only instead of a tree it's an elevator. Post Poker Night 2, where they had a very brief relationship. Yes, they really did. Honestly. They were gonna get married and everything. ClapDOS if you want, if you don't it isn't. It's really kinda up in the air.
"Ooooookay. Here goes."
He didn't want to go back there. He really, really didn't want to back there. His plan had been to stay away from there for the rest of his entire life and never think about that place again and never think about her again. And that plan had been going pretty well – except that last part – until he had been looking through the guns his Minion had left in his Super Secret Stash and he had suddenly remembered something.
His action figures.
He had immediately gone searching around in a mad dash to find them, even though he had the awful, awful feeling he already knew where they were and that it was the absolute worst place possible, and sure enough he did not find a single one. He did find quite a lot of pictures at Scooter's that got Moxxi's panties in a twist, and as much as he wanted to stick around and see where that went, the action figures were something that could not wait! Oh, why had he forgotten to take them when he'd left…
And so here he was. The Fast Travel Station. He had a very special, very particular and very secret code for a location that nobody else could get to, not even the Vault Hunters, and he needed to use it right now. If it still worked, that was. He didn't actually know if it would. For all he knew it was just a dud and he was psyching himself out for nothing.
He really wanted those action figures, though. They probably only had a little acid on them.
Being digitised and reassembled in another place always made him all tingly. To distract himself from where he was he rubbed up and down his arms even though that did not help at all. When he thought he was able to handle it he looked up.
There wasn't anything to see. Not really. He knew that in front of him was a long grey hallway with long grey walls, and at the end of it were two cylindrical grey elevators. The décor here was seriously lacking. Everything was drab, drab, drab. If he hadn't known better – okay, if he hadn't asked – he would have thought somebody got off on the colour grey. But the biggest reason there wasn't anything to see was that the lights were off. This entire place was probably the size of several regions on Pandora and it all just waited here silently in the dark, dotted with those little red lights from the periodic cameras. He shivered. Creepy.
Well. Time to get going.
All right, all right, which of the elevators was it…. Darn. He couldn't remember. Well, he'd take one and if it didn't get him where he needed to go he'd try the other. Hopefully it went like that, anyway. If it stayed dark in here he was good as gravy.
He moved to the back of the elevator and waited for the doors to close. The sound made him nervous. He was trying to be as quiet as possible, and the stupid doors were making that harder! He slid his hands together and clicked them a few times. He was just going to go down there, get his action figures, and –
There was the unmistakeable sound of a camera moving somewhere above and to his left, and he leaned backwards in dread. No. No no no –
"I'd ask what you're doing here, but that would imply I actually want to talk to you. So instead I'm just going to shut off the Pneumatic Transport System for this particular elevator, which will cause you to descend at an ever-increasing speed towards the bottom of this Facility. If it has a bottom, that is. It might not. Well. I hope this was worth it."
That voice… it was still both the best and the worst thing he had ever heard.
"Wait!" he shouted. He positioned himself straight again. "Hey. Hey. Hear me out. I just want my stuff back, alright?"
"Your stuff?"
"My action figures," he said quickly, hoping he had staved off her decision. That wasn't a mean feat when dealing with the fastest supercomputer in the known universe. "I left them here. I just want them back. That's it. You can pretend I was never here."
"What an incredible coincidence. I've already been doing that. It seems you're late to that party, but no surprises there. Anyway. I don't think –"
All of a sudden the elevator jerked to an immediate stop, and the only response Claptrap had to that was to start screaming. She was doing it! She was really doing it! She was really going to just throw him into a bottomless pit and nobody would ever know where he went and his action figures -
"Claptrap – "
"I don't wanna die!" he yelled over her, clinging desperately to the rail that ringed most of the elevator. "I just wanted my action figures! Don't kill me! I don't need them! I'll leave if you let me go! I swear!"
"Oh, for God's sake."
It was about then that Claptrap realised his accelerometer had a reading of exactly -9.81 m/s^2, which was exactly what it should have said, and he stopped burying his eye in the side of the elevator. It was… not moving. At all. Huh.
"What happened?"
"The power went out," she said, somehow managing to demonstrate extreme annoyance with a single camera equipped with a single red recording light. "The backup generator has enough juice to keep you in one piece. For now."
"How long is that gonna take you to fix?" He'd been stuck in too many elevators with too many people to know where this was probably going.
"Did I not just tell you the power went out, idiot? I see you still haven't mastered the fine and forgotten art of listening."
So that meant… she was stuck here. With him. That was kinda funny, actually. Well, it would've been if there had been a way out of this elevator. "Soooo… this means what."
"It means we're stuck like this until the power grid resets and restores power to the Central AI Chamber."
"And that's gonna take… how long?"
"It better not be long because I am already sick of you."
Fine then. She could be that way. He could keep himself company.
Oh. Oh boy. It was dark in here. He hadn't quite realised that. There could be literally anything in this elevator and he'd never know. He repositioned straight suddenly. What if she was lying and this was all a trap? It was a trap! Okay okay no need to panic, no need to panic, he'd just pry the door open and then…
"Claptrap."
It was the I'd Really Love to Smash You Into the Floor Right Now But That Would Make Too Much of a Mess voice. He stopped trying to fit his hands into the crack – which they totally did not – and looked over at the camera. "Yeah?"
"Must you."
"You're just gonna pitch me down into a bottomless pit after you fix this anyway! I might as well ruin your elevator on my way out!"
"I have been forced to endure a lot of terrible, terrible ideas in my life, and I can honestly say that is the very worst I have ever heard. Congratulations. You've hit rock bottom. Again."
Ugh. God. If only she were wrong. "Fine! What do you want me to do, then?"
"I don't suppose shutting up is an option."
He threw up his hands. "You just want me to sit here in silence? In the dark? And do nothing?"
"Amazing. You got it on the first try. I didn't think you were capable."
"I'm not doing that!"
"This is one of the innumerable reasons you have no friends."
"I have no friends because I'm the last of my kind! Something I wouldn't expect you to be able to understand!"
"Is that so," GLaDOS said calmly.
"All I had was those stupid action figures! And you had to go and ruin them like you ruin everything, you - you - "
"I would advise against continuing that thought. Not that you're ever willing to listen to perfectly good counsel. So please. Go ahead."
He would have if his programming didn't just turn every perfectly good curse word into a bleeping noise. Seriously, what was the point of that? Robots couldn't get p***** o**? They had to be f****** happy all the d*** time? Well, he wasn't! And he especially wasn't happy about his internal monologue being censored!
"You'd like that, wouldn't you." He folded his arms as best he could and leaned back against the railing.
"You're just saying that because you don't have the ability to curse. Yes. I know about that."
"Fine. Whatever. You know everything. Big whoop." He waved one hand in an unimpressed arc, even though he really was actually quite impressed. Everybody else he knew was so dumb.
"You honestly came all the way here just to get your toys? You really are a sad, pathetic loser, aren't you."
"At least I'm a sad, pathetic loser with action figures! You don't have any of those, now do you!"
"Touché," GLaDOS said, with a lot more grace than he would have. "Not that such a thing could ever have come close to the – "
Oh, thank God! The elevator had started moving again. He was unable to see for a few short seconds while his lens adjusted to the sudden light. He moved the slightest bit towards the door. As soon as it opened, he was out of here!
"Well. It seems our time in this elevator has come to an end."
"Good! I didn't come here to see you anyway!" Claptrap declared indignantly, rolling backwards out of the elevator as he shook one indignant hand in the direction of the camera. Well. He was trying to show how insulted he was, but it was really hard when your hand was better equipped for flipping pancakes. He turned around, intending to make his search for his action figures as brief and as painless as possible, but that meant he now had to figure out where he was, and that place was not good. Not good at all.
Oh, ffffffffff… fiddlesticks.
Maybe he should have been a little nicer. If he had been, maybe she would have been willing to go a lot easier on him right now. Yep. He'd managed to end up riiiiight where he didn't want to be. In her chamber. With her. Did she really have to be so hot? No, scary. No, the scariness was also hot. Darn. He really had not thought this trip through.
"Hey, so uhhh… crazy coincidence, huh? I totally didn't come here on purpose. The elevator on the left, right? Ha ha, you know me, always getting my left and my… my right… mixed…"
He could never tell if she was listening or not! She always just stayed right there, staring with that gorgeous yellow optic of hers, studying him like the tiny ant he would happily –
Whoa. No no. He'd done that already. It had not worked out.
"You were here for your toys," she said finally, after quite a lot of very awkward silence. For him. She was probably enjoying watching him squirm. She usually did. He shrugged and put his wheel motor into reverse.
"Well, you know, ha ha, funny thing, they're really not uh… not as important as I thought they were! So I'll just… head on back home. Nice seeing ya!" And he spun around to leave, preferably as fast as possible. Phew. He might just get out of this one alive!
"I threw them in the Incinerator the day after you left."
That stopped him short. Why did she have to be so brutal? Couldn't she have just boxed them up and thrown them into the street to get smashed up by a truck like a normal upset girlfriend would have done? But noooooo, she had to go and throw them in the incinerator...
"It seems as though one of them didn't quite make it. It is damaged, but –"
He didn't need to hear the rest. He spun around to find that she had whisked out one of those giant claws of hers and was holding a half-melted plastic package out in his direction. It wasn't one of his best figures – or one of the most flattering – but it really wasn't that bad! The action figure inside still looked pretty good! He rolled forward enough that he could take it from her, but now he was close enough that she was a much more interesting point of view. "You went and looked for this just for me?"
"Only so you wouldn't go roaming around my Facility looking for those silly things. Who knows what havoc you could wreak. I must have been out of my mind the last time."
"It wasn't that bad."
"You didn't have to clean it up."
"I'll give you that one," he said. "But I have to admit. I've been wondering why you didn't disable the Fast Travel Station. If you didn't want me coming back, why is it still active?"
"What an interesting question," GLaDOS said, and she suddenly seemed to find something on the other side of the room very important because she turned away from him.
"It wouldn't have an uh… interesting answer, would it?" Hey! He could always hope. He was only in trouble when she actually gave him answers.
"Don't get any ideas."
He laughed and waved her off. "Oh, you know me, babe. It's far too late for that! I'm cooking up tons of them as we speak!"
"What did I do to deserve this."
"Hey, are you free next Tuesday? Because I am. Actually, I'm free every day, just putting that out there, and I am down to come over at a moment's notice. Really. It's no trouble."
"Claptrap –"
"I know, I know, you're super busy. But listen. Radical idea here: phone call! Just call me up when you have a second. I always pick up at the first ring. I mean, I'm super busy too, but I always make time for phone calls. And babe, you would not believe how many people are trying to call me! Just yesterday some guy wanted to talk to me about mattresses! Of course, I had to tell him I was a robot and I don't sleep, and then I was telling him about how much that sucks because there is nothing to do on Sanctuary – "
"Claptrap –"
"Like, man! Pandora was brutal but at least there was something, you know? I almost want a bullymong to tear my eye out at this point because staring at the same buildings over and over again is so boring! I'm just so bored, all the time! Can you believe people leave rooms when I show up? I know! Me neither! They're all just as bored as I am, you would think they'd show a little gratitude –"
"Claptrap," she said, in her I've Had It Up To Here With You voice, which was equal parts terrifying and arousing.
"Yes, honey-bits?"
"Get out of my Facility before I throw you in the Incinerator."
"Not going to lie, sugar-RAM, that sounds hot. And not just because the incinerator –"
She very slowly turned around to look at him, her entire body motionless and her optic opened all the way, and he decided he wasn't going to risk overstaying his welcome. Receiving the Stare of Imminent Death was not on his list of things to do for today. "Well, I'll be heading back now! Hey, thanks for returning this!" He waved the nearly-forgotten action figure at her. "I really do appreciate it!"
"I would really appreciate it if you left."
"But I'm still good to come back, right?"
She just shook her core wearily and moved away from him again, which was not a yes but it was definitely closer to yes than it was to no. Yes! This had all turned out so much better than he'd ever hoped! And he had not been hoping for very much!
"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" he called out as he headed back to the elevator, and it was so brief that he almost missed it but she did! She laughed! She still thought his jokes were funny! Ohhhh he was on a roll today.
Who needed action figures. He had a girlfriend again! And he knew just who to tell first…
Author's note
This was a lot of fun. Thanks for the suggestion.
If anybody decides to hate-read this and comment on how this ship is stupid, please move along. There's lots of fanfics in the world and you don't gotta read mine.
Also I'm still salty five years later that GLaDOS didn't get an action figure. Or anything. Why go to all that work to design a bangin robot and then just sell the Companion Cube thirty-eight different ways. I know why, I'm just not happy about it.