"And our final guest on tonight's show is Tash the Ineluctable."
(band strikes up ominous theme music as Tash walks on to the set, waving cheerfully to the audience)
"It's a pleasure to be here, Michael."
"Tell me, Tash, what is it like being the god behind the Empire of Calormen?"
"Look, I know I get a lot of bad press. They call me a bully boy, irresponsible, and a bad example for today's youth. But really, it's a job like any other. Being the personification of evil is a really tough gig; but it's necessary, if only to show the opposition in a good light. I mean, Aslan is no angel, but just because he is good looking and girls go gaga over him, the media give him a dream run."
"Let's talk about Aslan."
"Well look at him; always ready to leap into battle and slaughter hags, minotaurs and werewolves. Are these the acts of a socially responsible role model? I don't think so. He was really rotten to Jadis, who was a great friend of mine. She was misunderstood by just about everyone; they all said she was a cold, frigid witch, but to her friends she was supportive, caring and environmentally aware. She was a real campaigner against global warming, well before it was fashionable. And what does Aslan do? He kills her. (Tash brushes away a tear). I'm sorry, I still get teary about it; I really miss her (Tash breaks down and sobs)."
"I think we better cut to a quick commercial break."
(60 second ad break for holidaying in the Lone Islands; a tropical island paradise for the upwardly mobile barbarian)
"Are you right to continue, Tash?"
"Yes, thank you, Michael. You're very kind. (Tash sips from glass of water)"
"During the break, you were saying something about Aslan."
"I have my suspicions about him. The media doesn't talk about it, but just what is this about his obsession with English children? I mean, snatching them away from school and their parents; I think it is unhealthy and immoral. I know he says it is perfectly legal because he returns them to the same time they left, but what about the mental and spiritual scars it leaves on them; building up false expectations that they will grow up to be Kings and Queens back in England. I'm just surprised he hasn't been hit with a flurry of lawsuits. Now if they were American kids, I bet he would be facing a class action."
"I think that's enough about Aslan; what are you doing at the moment?"
"The record company has just released my new album; Sacrificial Screams, so I'm doing the whole promotional circuit thing."
"Rolling Stone called it your best work yet."
"The reviews have been very kind, but a lot of credit has to go to my manager Shift the Ape, my producer Rishda Tarkaan, and to my new backing vocalists, the Tashbaan Temple Virgins. Those girls really can belt out lost soul, and the way they wield the sacrificial knives, it's truly something; it just about makes my heart bleed, let alone those of the lucky offerings.
"I've been booked for a series of concerts in Narnia at The Stable as part of my End of the World tour; Shift tells me that they are already a sell out and that additional performances will be scheduled. So all you fans out there, you won't miss out."
"Is there any truth in the rumours about a movie?"
"(Tash laughs) It's amazing how quickly news leaks out, Michael. I've just signed with Walden to do a flick; the script is fantastic. It's going to be tough; I want to do all my own stunts, or at least as many as we can get past the insurers, so I have to get in shape. I'm even going to give up smoking."
"What's the movie called?"
"Well, the working title is The Last Battle, but the marketing people aren't happy with it; they want something a bit more upbeat. Jack Lewis wrote the script and will be directing, so I think we can be sure that it's going to be good at the box office."
"I'm afraid that's all we have time for tonight, so I'd like to thank Tash the Inexorable, the Irresistible, for coming along tonight.
"It's been lovely, Michael. (audience applause)"
"On next week's program our special guest will be Roonwit the Centaur on the latest developments in astrology, but it's good night from me, and Emperor-beyond-the-sea bless you all."
(fade to black)