Chapter 1: Fugue State

Lexie ran her hands through her hair in Sam's bathroom, feeling faint not for the first time since she had awoken to Tess's call. By God, she'd said she wouldn't do this. She'd said no-this time no damaged, tender women she would tiptoe around for months, kissing their fingertips and calling them baby until, nursed back to health, they'd flee into the arms of someone ready to let them out of training wheels. Fuck's sake, Lexie!

"Lex?" Sam's voice came from the other side of the door, accompanied by two polite knocks. "You alright in there?"

Fuck. "Uh, yeah. I'm alright." Lexie opened the door and was immediately engulfed in Sam's arms. God, her arms. Soft, but firm muscle. Taut. Arms you could melt in. And damned if that isn't just what she did. Sam kissed her, long and slow, gently pushing her tongue in between her teeth and Lexie moaned, wrapping her arms around her neck. When they parted, she found herself breathless.

"Listen, I've got to go into work."

"Oh, right, yeah. 'Course. Duty c-duty calls..."

Sam cocked her head to the side. "You sure you're alright?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine."

Satisfied for the moment, Sam smiled. "There's coffee. Stay as long as you like."

"Thanks." Sam kissed her again, more gently this time, and then let her go.

"No, I uh...I really needed someone last night. I should be thanking you." With Sam's arms safely by her side, Lexie regained some of her wit. "Well, you can thank me with a call later."

The pair of them were at their favorite cafe, Mulligans, the morning after opening night. The place was rather empty for a Sunday morning and the three wooden tables next to them were all vacant. They ordered two coffees and a grotesquely large croissant that now sat between them in all its golden, almondy glory. Ed was just reaching out for a bite when Tess wondered aloud once again why Lexie hadn't come back to the flat last night.

"Oh, for Christ's sake, Tess," Ed groaned and poured another cream into his own coffee before taking a sip. "You've seen all those American doctor dramas. They stay over at the hospital all the bloody time."

"What, you mean like Grey's Anatomy? Cuz that's not helping, Ed!"

"Listen, look at the facts, is all I'm saying. You kissed her and she didn't hate it, she said she might be interested in someone who didn't need a ticket to opening night, and she loved your performance. Everyone did. Despite my rippin' ex's foul play. Why, I should-"

"'Scuse me, Ed, it's me having the crisis right now! What if-What if she got back with Bea, and she texted her and apologized for the whole stalker husband thing and-Oh I made such a tit of myself."

"Look. I bet she's just dying to see you again, and the rest of the play. Wait a couple of hours and call her. Invite her to see the second half. I'm sure she'll say yes."

"What, a couple of shags with my costar and now you're the expert on women, eh Ed?"

"Can we please not bloody talk about that cun-"

"Anything else for you two?" the elderly waitress asked, looking directly at Ed. Tess snorted into her coffee as Ed waved her off.

"Still can't believe you went there."

"Well that makes two of us doesn't it? Guess I just got caught up..." In trying to forget you, he finished for himself. Oh, sure, he'd gotten used to playing the devoted friend again. It was surprisingly easy to fall back into the old role of it. Didn't mean it didn't sting, though.

"Speaking of getting caught up, how's the book stuff going? Haven't you got another signing? At some comic convention or other?"

"Or other? Tess, it's the biggest convention of the year! Flippin' Haruki Murakami's going to be there! And Jensen Ackles even might make an appearance!"

"Alright, alright," Tess laughed. "It's a bigger deal than I thought. Makes my point even better though, doesn't it?"

"Oh, good, there's a point."

"The ladies, my fine novelist friend. You're bound to find one that's nutso about your book. Take her for a spin on your spaceship, or whatever it is you people call your-" She glanced up at their waitress who was pouring coffee two tables off for a man in a fashionable grey suit. "Your woohoos these days."

"Spaceships? Really, Tess? Really?"

She shrugged and helped herself to her half of the croissant. They breakfasted in silence for a while, looking, Ed noticed, for all the world like a couple spending a relaxing Sunday morning together. Dare to dream, and all that.

"You know, she'd be proud of you," Tess said suddenly.

"What?"

"Cat. Really proud." She reached out and grabbed his hand, and when she squeezed, he squeezed back.

They were in bed again, Sadie and Lauren. Touching, feeling, exploring. Sadie, for her part, was trying her best to memorize the contours of her spine, the little white hillocks, the darker valleys. By God, her fingers could spend their days charting that land. Lauren reached under her skirt, and Sadie's head threw itself back- "Lauren, oh..."

"The fuck?" The hand between her legs withdrew.

"I-what?" Not Lauren. Janice. Fuck.

"Don't tell me you've gone and fallen for someone while I was havin' my little vacation?"

"Shut up." Sadie sat up and felt around the mess of sheets for her top.

"Don't get all in a tiff, was only a question." Always the classiest, J wiped her hand on the sheets. "So who is she?"

"She's no one."

"Yeah, callin' out her name while I'm fuckin' you, that sounds like no one. What's next, crying in your sleep?"

"I said shut up. Pass me the stuff."

J smiled. "I was craving a little pick me up." She spread the lines, and they went high. They fucked again after. Nobody called anyone's name. Except the neighbors, but J was quite used to that anyway.

When Sam had left the house at a quarter to eleven, she'd had every intention of going to the hospital. Every intention. At least that's what she told herself an hour later in the empty police offices drinking Glenlivet Whiskey straight from the bottle and trying to convince herself it was acceptable behavior for one pm on a Sunday. She couldn't face him. That was the bottom of it. She just couldn't face her partner after what had happened. She had put him in the hospital as surely as if it were her who'd raised her fists against him. Her fault. She'd had another one of her attacks and she hadn't been able to lift a finger to help him. Couldn't even call out his name, send someone else. Of course, the attacks had started after Cat had died, but she could hardly pin it on that. No, the only one Sam had to blame this time was Sam. She swished around the contents of the bottle and took another swig, savoring the burn of the liquid as it travelled down her throat.

And then there was Lexie, whom she'd practically left in her bed this morning in her haste to get the fuck out of there.

In her haste not to avoid the hangover of sleeping with someone just to get out of your own head for a few hours.

But was that all?

Sighing, she put her head in her hands. I don't need this shit right now.

What she did need was another shot. And another. And another.

When she stumbled home around four pm, Lexie wasn't there. And thank God for that.

"You're not bloody serious?" Decklin said after nearly choking on his egg salad sandwich. She didn't understand how he could stand the stuff-it looked, and probably tasted, quite a bit like sperm. But maybe that was part of the attraction.

"I thought you were going for Tess!"

"Me too. I don't know. It just sort of happened. One moment I was just being a friend and then..."

"And then your fingers were up her twat."

"Hey, watch it," she warned, a bit more harshly than she had meant to. But sometimes, Decklin just went too damn far.

"Alright, okay, I'm sorry. Don't get your knickers all in a bunch."

They fell silent, finishing up their lunches quietly until, "Gee, Decklin. I'm sorry I'm so absorbed in my own lesbian drama that I didn't think to ask you how your date went with Mr. Radiology," he said.

"Shit, I'm sorry. Really. How did it go?"

"Not bad," he answered, wiping his mouth.

"But..."

"Well...but...well we didn't sleep together," he finished quickly. "Even came up for drinks and everything but then he just said he'd better be getting home."

Lexie chuckled wryly. "Trust me, in my recent experience, taking sex out of the picture isn't all that bad of an idea."

"Maybe you're right..."

Just then, Lexie's buzzer went off. Her eyes widened.

"What?" Decklin asked.

"It's Bea. She wants to meet me at the lockers, says it's important."

"Woah. Are you gonna go?"

Lex snorted. "As if. We obviously have a pretty different idea of what's important, haven't we?"

Decklin pulled a face, one that was all too familiar to Lexie. She rolled her eyes. "Alright, out with it. I know you've got something to say, so just say it."

"Might not be my place..."

"Oh, it's never your place, but that hasn't stopped you before, has it?"

"Well...I think maybe you're thinking about this all the wrong way."

Taken aback, Lexie asked how.

"She wouldn't be the first gay person in a straight marriage, is all I'm saying."

"Yeah, maybe...But she that still didn't give her the right to lie to me. I thought we were friends!"

"No arguments there, honey, she shouldn't have lied. But I stand by what I said before: I don't think the arrangement you had was exactly what you thought it was."

"So, what?" Lexie said, laughing. "She's in love with me? I'm not touching a situation like that with a ten foot pole, thank you, even if Sam was out of the picture."

"And Tess. You're quite popular, you are."

Lexie's gaze hardened, and she picked up her tray to leave. Decklin, for once, did not follow suit.