So...this has kinda been in my head for a while and I finally got round to writing the first chapter. Thought I'd see what you guys think of it and whether or not it would be worth continuing. I've not forgotten All Our Vice, this was just doing serious damage to my brain!

Just some points - its in the first person POV and I'm not entirely sure I'm comfortable writing like that but I guess we'll see. Also its only going to be eight chapters long. I think you'll figure out why as you read.

Disclaimer - I don't own it, yada yada yada. But if I did...

- T h e - D e a d l i e s t - O f - S i n -

- E n v y -

Why is it that when you think you have everything figured out, something inevitably comes along to knock you firmly of the safe little perch you had made for yourself? One minute you're all cosy and snug, content in a shroud of denial and then bam!…

Reality hits you like a ten ton truck.

Painfully, I might add.

It sucks. It's just one huge suck-fest, that when it's done sucking, it sucks all over again and it draws out every tiny, miniscule of hurt and aching it can possibly get before leaving gaping holes of nothingness.

Okay…that may have been a bit too dramatic. Even for me.

However, the point is…

Reality sucks.

Like for instance, right now I am watching from the other side of the quad, as my best friend grins and animatedly tells an obviously funny story to two people, who do not wholly appreciate the greatness that is in front of them. Sure, they laugh and seem to be enjoying themselves but they are ignorant to all the quirks and slight alterations in the expressions she pulls. There's thousands by the way.

Trust me, I once counted.

They wouldn't notice the flicker in her eyes as a particular thought ran rampant through her head. Or even the slight kink in her eyebrow when she's being annoyingly sarcastic. Sometimes it's so subtle I have to squint to catch it.

I could list everything but I'm sensing that you're beginning to question my sanity. That's okay, I've been there. It led me to the pleasantness of denial.

And let me tell you, there is nothing greater than a big ol' dose of denial.

It's like whiskey. Burns for a moment but then the numbing begins. Then again, it always leads to the hangover, which I actually like to associate with reality.

So, what is my reality?

That would be said best friend, if you hadn't twigged already. See, I have come to the realization that I am completely and utterly infatuated by her. Hence the list…and I know you're thinking that if I already know this, then why the denial?

Well I've always liked pretending and you know what, I've become quite the actress.

Okay, that was a lie…or merely an exaggeration.

If I'm honest…I use it to keep myself safe. By pretending it's not happening, I am less likely to get hurt.

But when I see her? I'm road kill for the enormous truck that likes to back-up every now again and roll right over me. Slowly. Sometimes, on particularly bad days, you can see it doing donuts on my smooshed-up insides.

It's agonizing.

This is why I chose to pretend when she is not around. I can entertain myself with something or someone for a short while. Keep myself busy and try not to think about the number of times she enters my head. I've ran from certain situations before because she didn't have the common courtesy to leave.

You know what was ironic? I would end up at her place anyway.

I'm use to her being there now, though. I can function normally, clearly ignoring the stalker-ish persona I seem to have at the moment.

I can't help myself.

They just don't seem to understand. You can tell by their faces. I see love from his expression and I know that if I looked into hers there would be a sliver of those feelings being returned. And maybe he can see it too.

But he would misconstrue them. Her love is not the same as his.

And a big part of me is envious that he can not see this.

I'm envious of all the people around us, who can't see her in the same light in which I can because they are safe. They are safe from the questions. The worries. The disappointments. The unavoidable hurt.

How odd is it that I envy their distance from her?

I use to envy her. I still do to a degree but now I find myself jealous of the people who don't know her as well as I do. That can't see that she is upset even as she smiles and jokes as if she would do on any other day. Who can't comprehend the emotional wounds that litter throughout her.

I'm a terrible best friend. I'm well aware of this.

Especially as I am then selfishly thinking that I want no-one else to be able to read her like I can.

So I observe her conversation with him and his own best friend, debating whether envy or gratefulness would win out. At this very point it could be the former, as her eyes become distracted while he speaks.

They take a quick sweep of the surrounding area, never focusing on anyone before she lifts her face up into the bright sun. It's a nice day but this doesn't seem to diminish her own alluring nature and it still amazes me that she pays so little attention to the people who she has captivated.

Okay, I swear she has mind reading abilities.

With my previous thought still marching through my head, her eyes had snapped to me and I'm quick to hide how stunned I am by this.

Her smirk, however, indicated I was not quick enough.

That truck I keep mentioning; well, right now it's making that horrible beeping noise that let's everyone now its reversing. It's a very mocking sound just so you know. I mean I'm splattered like a bug on a windshield and I'm subjected to hearing beep beep beep.

How cruel and unjust does the world have to be? Seriously?

In return to her smirk, I roll my eyes. Once I've straightened myself out anyway. It's the only defence I have and if that involves playing a little aloof-ish, I shall do so.

It seems to have had an effect. The smirk has lessened and a genuine smile has taken its place, making the burn of whiskey feel lukewarm in comparison. I can't deny how infectious that smile is because against my better judgement, it is soon mirrored on my own face.

Our exchange did not go unnoticed, which is somewhat aggravating. Two sets of eyes turn on me and I can't help but feel a little elated by the irritation shown from one set specifically. It ebbs away my own unease.

Perfecting the aloof nature I am trying to convey but don't readily feel comfortable with, I turn away.

"Bevin, practice tonight in the gym, remember?"

I am calm and collected as my voice makes its way through my suddenly dry mouth.

"Of course, Brooke." she chirps in reply, the grin on her face comically endearing. "I have this killer move I wanna show you."

Her shear enthusiasm is enough to make me smile but inside my body and emotions are churning. They are probably a pile of horrible mulch by now.

Across the decidedly loud and busy quad, I am more than aware of the pair of green eyes, who have yet to leave my profile. They are probing and digging. What seems to bother me is that I want them to. I want them to find me.

And in the same instance, I'm once again, envious of everyone and their ignorance.

What do you think?? Yah or nah??

Anyway...Toddle-pip.