Letters

by OriginalPippie

Just as the title suggests this is a story told through letters. But what's said in these letters you'll have to find out for yourselves.

Bam,

We've been friends for quite some time now and I feel I have something to share with you. I don't remember how or when we even became friends. In all honesty there have been times, though very few and far in between, where I actually wondered how we've managed to remain friends. However most of the time I wonder how we could have gone for so long not having this great friendship that we share. I can't imagine even having another friend that even comes close to you. Whenever I'm off, working somewhere in other countries or even throughout the states, my thoughts tend to drift off to home and people I've left behind. Lo and behold you're among the top people I think about when thinking about home. Other people around me give me the weirdest looks once they catch me laughing hysterically to myself as I'm reminiscing about some of the crazy adventures and shenanigans that I could have only gone through with you. Those people often, and briefly, wonder if I've lost what little mind I had left. But I just keep right on laughing.

Now comes the hard part of my confession. I remember when you just hooked up with Missy. I remember how everyone around the two of you would say things like how cute you were together and how perfect the two of you seem together. During the many times I've heard those things; I would smile and agree right along with the other people. I was happy that you found someone who wasn't a crazy bitch and someone who actually laughed when I made raunchy, tasteless jokes about me eating her out before taking you in the ass. After all that's really important, don't you think? I was happy for you when I found out that you had popped the question to her and she didn't run screaming for the hills. Then the actual wedding day came around and I sat amongst the large number of guests to watch you and Missy actually take the plunge into wedded bliss. I smiled as I saw you standing at the altar looking nervous as hell as if you were about to bolt out the nearest exit. I've never seen you so nervous about anything before. I smiled once you and Missy were finally, actually getting married and lighting the candles and all that stuff. I smiled and laughed over your "vows", just like every one else. But I couldn't help but feel a lump in my stomach as I watched you get married. As much as it appeared on the outside that I was happy for you, watching you get married was one of the hardest things for me to do. Hell I had a hard time watching you and Missy's relationship each step of the way. At first I thought this might have been jealousy, but I had to try to figure out exactly what I was jealous over. Was I jealous over the fact that you had someone in your life that you care about? Not quite it. Maybe I was jealous over…Missy. Missy has you and I don't. Why do I care that Missy's with you? Because the truth is…I love you and I know I can't ever be with you. I can never have you and claim you as my very own the way that Missy has. I realize now that it's not really jealousy because I adore Missy. I think she's great for you. But I'm brokenhearted because I've been madly in love with you for the longest time and I could never let you know how I've really felt about you. So now I suppose I'll wish you luck in your marriage and try to figure out a way to mend my broken heart. I know the chances are that you wouldn't ever feel the same for me as I feel for you. I just had to finally get this off my chest. All I ask now is that you don't let this change anything between us and the friendship that we have. Please don't let this change the way you think about me. Also, please don't let anyone else know about what I've confessed to you. I'm sorry that I didn't stay until the end of the reception but now with this letter you know why that was.

-Jimmy

Jimbo,

What can I say? When I first read your letter I have to admit that I was freaked out by what you said. But I read the letter again a couple times and I thought about it and now I'm flattered. I actually admire how you've managed to keep how you really feel about me inside for so long. And I also have to say you've done one hell of a job at keeping it from everyone because I seriously had no idea that you felt that way. You've been nothing but a good friend to me all these years. I've come to realize that you're one of the best friends I've ever had. I just wish we were able to spend more time together than we already do. Damn scheduling. And just so you know, you have nothing to worry about here. Your secret's safe with me, and I could never think differently about you no matter what you do or say to me. I'm glad that you said that you were happy for me despite of how it made you feel to be watching me and Missy get married. You could have easily said all kinds of nasty, mean things to me about how upset it really made you feel. But you didn't. Now I feel bad because I feel responsible for your broken heart. I never dreamt of causing anything like that for any one. It makes me feel like a dick because I know there's really nothing I can do to make you feel better about this. To be honest I could never have the courage to write a letter confessing my feelings for any one like you have done. I really appreciate that you took the time to do this. Look at me, I never write letters and you've got me to write this one. You're the first one who's got me to do this, so feel special damn it.

-Bam

Bam,

Man you have no idea how happy you've made me already. I was afraid that you were never going to want to speak to me again. I had a nightmare that you got the letter and laughed over it with everyone else. And you were saying how pathetic I was and how big of a freak I was. I was so scared the next morning when I woke up I was truly scared that our friendship was over. Then I got your letter and I was so relieved. But I just wish you wouldn't feel bad. I know you're the reason why I've been so brokenhearted, but you actually did nothing to make me feel bad. You have no idea just how hard it was for me to write that letter. I wanted to rip it up after I finally had it the way I wanted it. I almost didn't even mail it to you. I don't know how I even managed to work up the courage to take the letter to the mailbox. After it was in the box I wanted to run out to the box a few times to retrieve it before the mailman came to pick it up. But some how I managed to keep myself inside. I felt like a little fangirl when I let out a little squeal of pure delight once I got your letter. I'm just glad that no one was around to see me jump like an idiot with the envelope in my hands. I actually caught myself tearing up a little once I read that you were flattered by what I had to say. That letter alone has helped me to begin to feel better and mend my heart. If only I could explain just how much it meant to me.

-Jimmy

Jimmy,

I have to admit that this letter correspondence thing is kind of fun now. I hope you don't mind that I wrote that last letter as well as this one I'm writing in my bathroom. It's the only place where I can have some real time to myself in my house and it actually makes a great place to think about what I want to say. I just wish that Missy would stop asking me so much what I'm doing in here. Jim, I could never want our friendship to end. And I would never do anything to you, behind your back or to your face, like you've dreamt about. I just feel bad enough that you feel bad that I got married; I couldn't imagine how I'd feel knowing I did something that mean to you. Would I be able to live with myself if I found out that I was so mean to you that I caused you to cry or something? I don't think I could. I'm glad that the last letter made you feel better. Now I'm trying to picture you all in fangirly mode and trying not to laugh too hard over how cute that must have looked. Yes I said cute and I don't care. I know you're the only one of my friends that I can say that to without fear of getting picked on for it. I also know that I am able to say to you how much our friendship means to me. I'm sure I'd be able to say that to most of my other friends but with you it just comes a little easier.

-Bam

p.s. I love you too.

Bam,

Oh God… I'm still getting over the initial shock. I couldn't believe my eyes at the end of your last letter. I had to re-read it so many times just to make sure I wasn't imaging those words. You should have seen how badly I was shaking after I realized that those words were actually written by you. I'm still shaking a little bit. You… you really mean it? I mean like more than a "hey buddy I love ya" kind of way, but like you actually truly love me like you love Missy? I never ever dreamed of those words coming from you and have them directed to me. Oh wow… I have to calm down before my head and/or heart explodes. Please tell me that you didn't say that just for a cruel joke. It'll seriously tear me up inside if you didn't mean it.

Ok Bam after a rather lengthy breather I've managed to take up the pen again and finish this letter. And I even went back to re-read your letter. Sorry but I have to do this because I just now realized how much it bugs me. You really don't need to put letter before correspondence since correspondence means communication by exchange of letters. Ahh I feel better now. Feel free to mutter cuss words directed toward me. Back to important things, ha ha you said cute. You fruity little faggot. No I kid of course. It feels so good to know that you're able to tell me about how you feel about our friendship and have an easier time at it than you would with your other friends. I feel the same about you with certain things. This sort of thing makes me feel more comfortable with you. I feel as though I can trust you with most anything now.

-Jimmy

Jim,

God damn you fucker. Somehow I just knew your anal retentive ass was going to find something with my grammar to pick on. You always do. But that's just a part of what makes you, you. It's pretty endearing actually; but only you can have that quality and have it considered endearing by me or probably anyone else. And, um, yeah… about my last letter… I really didn't mean to freak you out so much like you made it sound. But, and I'd never admit this to anyone else, I do love you. I have for a while but never really realized it until recently. Actually you've got me thinking long and hard about how I really feel about you since you first made your confession, and that's what conclusion I've come to. Every time you leave after we've been spending time together, I find myself missing you instantly. Every time we're together I almost forget about other people who may be around. (Don't tell Missy!) I've often found that my heart beats faster whenever I'm around you… sometimes faster than it would when I'm around Missy. You make me smile automatically when I see you; and you don't even have to do a damn thing! I never thought I was actually physically attracted to you, or any other guy for that matter, but I couldn't help developing these feelings for you over the course of our friendship. Sometimes I do find you pretty adorable that I can't even help getting the urge to run over to you and jump into your arms. The things that I've described and more are exactly how I also feel about Missy. If all of this isn't love then I don't know what could be. When I was thinking about all of this I had to ask myself a question: Is it possible to love two people at the same time? After much consideration I answered that question with a resounding YES. Then I asked myself if I'm not straight after all since I fell in love with another man. Maybe I'm bi like so many of my fans have thought for so long. Maybe I just love one of my best friends who happens to be a guy. I'm not going to worry about what I actually am sexuality wise. For the record, Jim, even if I didn't actually love you I wouldn't dare put you through that pain or anything near it. I just wouldn't have the heart.

With love, Bam

Bam,

This is incredible. I never thought you could make me feel so happy. But I kind of feel bad now because I'm feeling over the moon because of the things you said in your letter. Why should I feel bad? Well simply put: you're married to someone else and you're telling me that you love me. It makes me feel like I'm helping you cheat in a way. I don't want to feel that way. This is beyond crazy, Bam. My insides are jumping all over the God damn place. The more I think about all this the more I feel like I'm going to puke or hyperventilate. I've been trying to get some work done but I can't concentrate at all, and you're the one to blame for it. Maybe I love you more than I realized. I don't know, Bam, the more I think about everything you wrote in your letter the more it freaks me out. Is love supposed to be this way? If it is I think I'm just crazy enough to want to embrace it. I'd like to tell you something for the record: I've never felt this way about anyone before, let alone another man. I've never been attracted to another man until you came along. I have to tell you, you're a very gorgeous guy. I never once thought I would ever develop feelings for one of my good friends. To be completely honest I'm absolutely terrified by this whole thing. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I love you, Jimmy

p.s. Are you still writing these letters in the bathroom?

Jimmy Dear,

Dude you made me laugh so fucking loud when I read that p.s. that Missy pounded on the locked bathroom door and asked me what was going on in here. In case you haven't figured it out by that, yes I do still write these letters in the bathroom. I don't know what you're worried about over these letters. I mean what's really wrong with two friends writing letters to each other where they express their love for each other? I don't see anything wrong with it. You know it technically wouldn't be considered cheating until something physical happened. Until then what we have to say to each other in these letters is perfectly fine. (Although I probably wouldn't be able to explain that to Missy without her getting royally pissed and extremely hurt) No one even knows about these letters any way. Well Missy knows we've been writing but she has no clue what we're writing to each other. I plan to keep it that way. She doesn't even know where I've been stashing them; that's a secret that I'll never give out to anyone. As I read over your last letter I can't seem to get this damn big ass smile off of my face. My jaw is going to hurt so bad from smiling so much. Look what you've done to me, Jimmy! My head is fucking spinning I'm so happy right now. Not only that but I feel like my heart's going to jump out of my chest any minute. I've got to calm down before I leave the bathroom so no one, Missy especially, will be able to suspect anything. Fuck and I just had to be one of the world's lousiest actors too. But hey if I can lie about sleeping with Jessica Simpson, and have you help me lie about it (When we both know I didn't do anything with her), then I can certainly lie about the content of these letters.

Love Bam Bam

p.s. Just out of curiosity, where have you been writing your letters?

Bammy,

Funny that you should mention it, Bam, I actually write these on top of my garage roof. Sometimes I like to lock myself in my dark closet with nothing but a dim flashlight and pretend that I'm being held captive by some bad guys, and that the bad guys if they catch me writing to you they will torture me. Wouldn't that be a great fantasy to act out? But actually no, that's not where I write. You caught me in my web of lies Mr. Margera. I just write in whatever room I happen to be in at the time. See, I don't have to worry about people catching me and wondering what I'm writing about so intimately. That's one good thing about living alone. And, yes, I'm usually in my jamies as I'm writing in case you were wondering. But of course you probably knew that already. And I know you get a kick out of coming over here unannounced just so you can watch me scramble around trying to get dressed and straighten up a little. But please all I ask is for you to call me at least a couple minutes before you get here if you're on your way to see me. It's embarrassing when you just show up. Like, say, I was just stepping out of the shower and I had nothing but a towel wrapped around me, and then you came waltzing in. That would be embarrassing because you would have to see me all naked and wet and then my little penis would make its way out of the opening of the towel. And of course it would probably be shrunken and wrinkled from my shower. That alone would cause you to laugh at me. Plus there would be a good chance that you would catch it on film. And I wouldn't want to have to go through that. Aside from all that I still can't help but feel kind of… dirty about all this. We're going behind people's backs by what we're doing. We're actually going out of out way to keep this a secret. It feels wrong but oh so right. What would happen to us if someone found out, especially if that someone was Missy? You certainly don't want to break her heart, and I don't want her to be brokenhearted either. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I found out that we caused her to be all torn up inside. You have a mush higher risk because your marriage would be at stake if this all blew up in our faces. Man I'm starting to freak myself out.

Love, Jimmy Dear

Jimmy Dear,

Somehow I can just picture you sitting in your closet writing me a letter like you described. Yeah I can totally picture it now, and it's kind of hot. Also the part about you in nothing but a towel has intrigued me, you bastard. Just picturing you answering the door all wet and wrapped in your towel has caused my little ding ding to get hard. And that closet fantasy just might be fun to act out like you said but um… yeah we better not. I also wouldn't mind going to your house to try to catch you coming out of the shower. Maybe one day I'll just show up with… I'll go out on a limb here and say nothing but a tube sock via vintage Red Hot Chili Peppers style. But I might have a hard time keeping the sock in place unless I'm hard. I think I just made myself blush just thinking about this. Is that possible? I almost can't believe I'm having these thoughts about you. Sometimes I have to catch myself and come back to reality before Missy or anyone else has the chance to ask me what I was thinking about. One time someone did ask me that so I quickly came up with a believable lie. I don't remember what it was now because it was so stupid to me at the time. I'm just glad I've always been able to think on my feet. But Jimmy, I really wish you would stop worrying so much about what we've been doing. It's beginning to get me worried. I don't want to have to worry about this. I just want to keep having fun, writing letters back and forth with you. I want to be able to go visit you without it seeming suspicious. Because in my mind I'm thinking it would be nice if I cleaned up, got dressed up real nice, and maybe even put on a little cologne. But in order to do that I would have to quickly plan a special date to go on with Missy either before or after I go to visit you. And then I'd almost feel like I was wasting a nice date with Missy when I really just wanted to get all dressed up real nice and smelling good just for you. Don't get me wrong I really don't mind going out on dates with my wife, well yeah I often enjoy it. Alright I enjoy it a lot. But I wish that just once the two of us could go out on a special date together, although that would mean going out in public and getting caught. Maybe we could do something where no one would realize it was a date, just as long as we didn't have any PDA. I think it might be exciting, but way too hard for me to keep my hands to myself though.

Love Bammy

Bammy,

My face got so red as I read the beginning of your letter. A tube sock? You'd actually drive all the way here like that? You've got some major balls there. I guess it's true; people really would do anything for the sake of love. I'm just glad that no one's around me right as I first read your letter. Let's just say that after picturing you in your sock… I felt a little wetness in my pajama pants and I'm pretty sure it's not piss and I didn't spill anything on me. If only you knew what you do to me all the time. Or maybe I should say if only you knew what I dream of doing to you. You probably wouldn't be able to get up for about a week. Mainly from exhaustion. I hate to admit this bit I actually giggled like a little girl when I read the part about you wanting to go out on a date with me. The whole idea of you getting all gussied up and putting your smell goods on, just to come over here to take me out on a date is just so adorable to me. Almost too adorable for words. You think you would have a hard time trying to restrain yourself from having your hands all over me? Well I'd have an extremely hard time keeping myself from shouting as loud as possible that I was out on a date with Bam Margera, the man that I love deeply, the moment we walked into the place where we were having out date at. That's how excited I would be. I'd also probably want to jump into your arms and have you carry me inside. But that wouldn't be a good idea. For one thing, I'd probably cause your back to go out and then you wouldn't be able to skate for a while. And we wouldn't want that. Maybe one night I could treat you to a special dinner at my house. I could make you some real tasty buttered toast and Spaghetti O's if you'd like. I'll even open the can all by myself. I might even set out candles and put a fancy tablecloth on the table and then have some soft music playing to make the Spaghetti O dinner extra special. Do you think you could come over here without seeming suspicious? Hell I'm sure you could. No one would really think twice about it after all the other times we've spent together at each others houses. All this talk about a dinner date is getting me excited, and a little hungry.

XOXOXX

I love you so much, Jimmy Dear

My sweet Jimmy Dear,

I want so much to be able to have at least one date with you. I just might have to take you up on that Spaghetti O dinner sometime. It just sucks that I can't have the freedom in my marriage to go out and date you publicly. If there was a way that I could take you out when ever and where ever I wanted without having to worry about what it would do to Missy, of course I could take the chance. In that world the only ones who would be bothered by seeing us out on a date would be everyone who happened to be around us, and our fans. In a perfect world, however, the two of us could fuck in public and no one would even blink an eye. Wouldn't that be just glorious? Shit I'm getting hot just thinking about that.

I'm not afraid to admit this but I just had to jerk off to the mental images of us fucking in public. Thank God for locks that aren't easy to jimmy. Also I'd like to point out that it was really hard for me to not shout out your name. Afterwards I had to bust out a hidden Playboy and turn it open to a page, just in case Missy decided to question what I was doing. That way it wouldn't have been a complete lie since I actually was giving myself pleasure. It's your fault that I had to have a decoy mag because you're too damn sexy. That's the first time I actually thought that about you as surprising as that is. Have I told you before that I think about you all the time? I find it almost impossible not to think about you. I just wish that we were able to be around each other any time that we wanted. Maybe one day we'll be able to actually express our love for each other in a physical way. Wow am I actually thinking that way? Am I actually thinking about cheating on my wife? This if getting kind of complicated, Jimmy. How in the hell did I ever get, not one, but two amazing people to fall in love with me? I'm a real filthy scumbag and possibly one of the worst people to ever be in a relationship with if you really thought about it. How could someone want to be with scum like me? I'm not being down on myself; it's just still very surprising and amazing to me that I was able to get someone to fall in love with me. I also can't believe that I managed to fall in love with someone else. Now here I am, in love with two people at the same time, and I'm married to one of them. My marriage alone is very surprising to me. I never thought I'd ever make it to my wedding day. A few years ago if someone told me that I was going to be married I would have laughed in their face. Also if someone else had told me back then that I would fall in love with one of my best friends, guy friends, I would have thought they were crazy. But now that it's actually happened I don't know what to do with myself. I'll tell you, love is the most amazing feeling anyone will ever know. I thought that I was very lucky to have experienced it once. But then you came along and told me that you loved me and soon after that I found love for a second time and it was just as amazing. What did I ever do to deserve such a thing? How did I ever get so lucky? I don't know how much more I can handle, if in fact I even deserve more of this.

XXOX

Forever yours, Bammy

Gorgeous Bammy Bam,

You're such a doll. I just want to eat you up whenever I'm around you. I bet you'd be just scrumptious. I adore the way you talk about how lucky you are to be in love like this and to have someone love you just the same. It really is an amazing feeling isn't it? I have to admit that I never imagined myself in a situation where I would even come close to feeling this way. I've been in relationships before and they were all real nice at the time but more of them made me feel like I do with you. I don't know how you got so lucky. I don't even know how I got so lucky. But I have to tell you that, yes you do deserve this and so much more. I just wish that I knew whether I deserved it or not.

I had a dream about us last night. It was, well, it was much more romantic than it was hot and sexy. You had surprised me at my house and told me to pack for the weekend. Then you took me blindfolded to this real fancy hotel, like a lot nicer than the one you and Missy had your wedding at. You took me to this real extravagant honeymoon penthouse suite that had lots of roses and rose petals scattered all over the place. There was a large table in one part of the room that was decorated beautifully with a silk tablecloth and candles. You had already had room service ordered and waiting for us, all set up on the table. It was the most gorgeous dinner I had ever seen too. The table was in front of these glass doors that lead out to a large deck that overlooked the most spectacular view. During the dinner I looked up at you and you were just sitting there smiling at me. It was the most loving smile on your face and your eyes were the prettiest shade of blue I had ever seen and they were sparkling so brightly. You reached over the table and slid my hand into yours and I felt my heart skip a beat. I just could not take my eyes off of your face or your amazing eyes. Then we seemed to be in slow motion as you leaned in close to me and you gave me the best kiss I ever had. Your lips were so soft like I imagine they would be, even if it was just a dream. After dinner you did something kind of surprising but real sweet. You picked out what you thought was the best looking rose out of all the roses that were in the room and you gave it to me, and then you took me by the hands and put on some music and we slow danced. The dance was kind of awkward for us at first because neither of us knew how to slow dance with another man. You let out the cutest little giggle once we messed up and were all fumble-y with our hands. But once we had it figured out it was a real nice dance and you rested your head on my shoulder. After the dance you took me by the hand and led me up the stairs to the actual bed room part of the suite. (This was an incredibly huge penthouse suite that you had rented, like whoa that's one big mother fucking room! Like a small house almost) We got to the bedroom and I began to slip out of my clothes. You then quickly stripped out of your clothes and jumped onto the bed, causing the rose petals to fly everywhere, and you laughed your great laugh. I stood there for a moment and watched you with a smile as I slowly slid out of my pants. I then took my good sweet time in walking over to the bed just so you had to wait to get at me. Once I finally got on the bed I lay down all nice and then you pulled me over close to you and wrapped your arms around me. You felt so warm as you held me close. Then you gave me a very tender, loving kiss and ran your hand down my side. I looked into your eyes and smiled at you. I realized then that I had never felt so happy in my life. Then right as I was about to give you a kiss… I fucking woke up. I was so bummed that it was just a dream. At first I even wanted to cry. But then after I thought about it, the dream made me excited. I got to planning something pretty special for the two of us at my house. Won't be quite Spaghetti O's but you won't be complaining. Actually, and I know this might sound crazy, but this just might top the Spaghetti O's. I can't tell you what it is; it's a surprise.

XXXXXXXX

Love always, Jimmy Dear

Jimmy,

I… oh my God. First of all, well though it was nothing near the dream you described, that was a wonderful dinner you made for both of us. It really made me feel special. But… fuck. I'm still sort of in freak out mode right now. I can't… dude you have no idea what you've done to me. That… that kiss… wow is all I can say. I still can't believe we actually kissed. At first I was really excited and as happy as can be. But on my way home I had to pull over to the side of the road because I started having one hell of a panic attack. It was like if I had murdered someone and I was just realizing what I had done and I knew I was going to get caught. A random cop saw me pulled over to the side and came up to my window to see if I was alright. She got me to really calm down, well enough to be able to drive again. But once I got home I had to lie down. I was so scared that Missy was going to know right away that we had our special dinner and that we kissed each other. Of course she asked me what the matter was. I told her about the panic attack but I didn't tell her what had caused it. I just told her that I couldn't remember what had caused it. What was I supposed to say? I had a panic attack while driving home because I had just realized that I cheated on my wife…? It would kill her. Jimmy I… as much as I love you I am too scared right now to continue on with our relationship. It's getting too risky. Fuck what am I going to do once she finds out? Jimmy I've seriously never been this scared of anything ever in my life. I really loved that kiss, and that dinner at your house. I really love you, you know that. I also would have loved to have done more than just kiss… but I'm scared to death now because I want that. I was never scared of being with you in this way until after that initial kiss. That kiss… that made what we have between us officially cheating. I know I've done my fare share of cheating on girlfriends, Jenn especially, but those times I didn't care. Those times I wasn't cheating on my wife. I feel like the biggest fool ever. After I had calmed down enough to think about it I tried to rationalize with myself, trying to convince myself that somehow it wasn't actually cheating. But deep inside I knew the truth. I never found myself torn between two people like this before and it hurts so God damn much. I'm seriously crying right now as I'm writing this. I'm trying so hard not to get any tears on the page. I don't know how much longer I can go on this way. This is the hardest thing ever because my heart is pulling me in two different directions. Tell me, Jim, what the hell am I supposed to do? If I keep having my relationship with you, Missy's gonna find out probably sooner than we realize. If she doesn't find out on her own then I'll wind up ratting on myself like always. If I break things off with you I'm afraid of losing one of the greatest loves of my life and one of my best friends ever at the same time, and that would hurt me so much. Have I mentioned yet how scared I am by all this? I just love you so much, Jimmy, but I love Missy just the same. I… I can't deal with this.

-Bam

Bam,

It breaks my heart knowing how badly you've been suffering. I was scared of this all along. Bam… I… as much as I almost hate to say this, I think maybe we should come clean. Maybe the two of us should get together at your house and break the news to Missy as gently as possible. She'll probably throw us both out of the house but that would be one small part of the price I'm willing to pay for this guilt I've been feeling about our secret love affair. I'm hoping that after we tell her, and after she's calmed down, she'd be willing to work this out with you even if it means the two of us no longer seeing each other. That would be the ultimate sacrifice that we would have to make but would it be worth it? How would we be able to go through the rest of our lives not being able to be friends with each other, if it would in fact wind up going that far? I don't know, Bam. I guess the best thing we can do is take this one step at a time; and the first step is dropping the bomb on Missy. It's really going to hurt all three of us but I think it's something that we have to do, and do soon. But in the meantime, please try not to cry any more over this. I can't stand the mental images you gave me from your letter. The worst that could happen is you get a divorce or like I said before; the two of us not being able to have any more contact with each other. Either way, as hard as it would surely be, we would be able to get our lives back together and mend our broken hearts. No matter how long or what it will take, I'm willing to go through it all with you. I'll keep you in my heart forever, Bam. That's the one thing that I'll never change about me after this all blows over. I love you way too much to let you go completely. You can hold onto that much.

Love Jimmy

Jimmy,

First of all I have to say, I thought that I was going to feel real relieved now that we've told Missy. At first I thought it was going to be alright and that Missy was going to work things out with me over this. Sure it would have been difficult for the two of us, but it seemed like we would have been able to pull through it together. But then she found your letters and read them all. Somehow with her actually reading the letters you sent me made the whole situation so much worse. We had a real big fight after you left. Both of us were crying. Now there's just so much tension between us. The cats don't even know how to be around us. (I know that probably sounds silly to you but you haven't seen the way our cats have been acting.) I really don't know what's going to happen with Missy and me. I'm utterly terrified. Right now I feel like my marriage has already crumbled away and there's nothing that can be done to put it back together. I've been trying to come up with ideas for things that I could do to make Missy feel better. I've got to try to at least get back on her good side for a little while but nothing I've thought of so far seems like it would be nearly good enough to please her. There's probably nothing that I could do to please her now that I think about it. I'll never be able to make this up for her. She's probably filing for divorce at this very moment. Jimmy what am I going to do? What am I supposed to do? God I hate all these fucking tears that keep falling. I feel like I could have another panic attack; I really do. I do not look forward to a panic attack or what else could follow. But I also feel that the longer I write this letter the closer she is to walking out the door. Jimmy this used to excite me. This used to give me the best feeling in the world. I used to think that there would be no harm in us exchanging these letters. But now I'm just broken apart. Now I'm feeling worse than I ever felt in my life. Everything is falling completely apart not just around me but within me. Jimmy I can't stop crying.

Bam

Bam Bam,

I am deeply sorry that you're going through this. It makes me feel so responsible. It might not seem like it right now and I know you're not going to believe me right away but the fact that we did tell Missy about us is a good thing. Something good will come from all of this pain you're in; keep telling yourself that. It's going to take a while but we're both going to get through it. I wish I could be there for you right now but I think it would be best if we stayed apart from each other for a little bit. Things are going to get better. They will, Bam. Just trust that. Every time you talk about how hurt you are or how scared or how much you're crying, it makes me feel so much worse. I feel like crying as well. I just want to hold you but I can't and that makes me feel even worse. I wish I had the answers for both of us. I wish I knew what we should do. I admit that I almost wish now that I had not written that first letter to you. Maybe I should have gone with my first instincts to rip it up after I had written it. But then I think that if I had done that I wouldn't have known that you feel the same way about me that I feel about you. I cherish that knowledge now. But just remember everything happens for a reason and time heals all wounds. Sounds very cliché but it is true. I love you so much, Bam, but please try to stop crying so much. Just hang in there and be strong. Everything is going to work out in the end all we can do is have faith. It'll be tough. It'll seem like the hardest thing anyone could possibly have to go through in their entire life. It'll probably come with some more painful bumps in the road ahead. But it'll all be totally worth it all as long as we keep each other in our hearts. In the meantime, however, just for a little bit you and I should take a break from each other like I stated previously in this letter. I feel like I'm just repeating myself, and sure I probably am, but I'm trying to get myself to trust and listen to my own words, not just you.

Love Jimmy

Jimmy,

It's really been a while since we last wrote. It has been extremely tough these last few months. I had no idea that going through a divorce was going to take so much out of me; nor did I have a clue what to even expect during the actual divorce process. I never thought I'd ever have to go through this; I always thought that once I did get married it would be for good. I never dreamt of ever experiencing something like this in my life. It still hurts like a bitch. If I ever get the chance to get married again I hope that, with whoever I actually wind up getting to marry this filthy scumbag, I'll have a marriage that would last at least a lot longer than this marriage did. Who am I kidding? I'll probably never get married again. That's probably the best thing for me and everyone else. I feel like I don't deserve it. I was the biggest fool ever for thinking that I could actually be married to someone. No one would ever want to marry me after this and I wouldn't blame them. Fuck all this marriage bullshit! I can't take it. It's all just going to wind up in divorce like this one any way. I'll just do everyone a favor and just stay single for the rest of my life. I'll just have sex with no strings attached; that way I won't ever have to feel this kind of pain ever again and at the same time I won't be able to ever hurt any one else. I'm just a no good piece of shit covered scum and I don't deserve to be in another relationship for as long as I live. Call me bitter, call me pathetic, call me a fuck up loser, call me every bad thing you can think of. I deserve it all. I hate myself for ever falling in love in the first place. Every single relationship I've ever been in I fucked up some how. Maybe I should just drop off the face of the earth right now. I could handle living like a hermit in my big, empty, completely lonely, castle-like house. At least I got my two cats. They still love me even though I forget to feed them most of the time. It's probably the only reason why they do love me; whenever I do remember to feed them that is. Maybe I'll just become the crazy cat man that everyone is afraid of. I'll yell at everyone who dares set foot on my property. FUCK LOVE! I hate every bit of it. I hate what it's done to me and what it's still doing to me. It's the absolute worst thing that anyone could ever allow themselves to go through. Why did people have to feel love to begin with? I could seriously kill myself 100 times over before I would want to go through this love bullshit again. It's done nothing but destroy me from the inside out. I'm a terrible mess, Jimmy. I haven't slept; I don't have an appetite… I can't concentrate on a damn thing… I don't want to do anything; I can't even leave my house to face the world. Nothing at all appeals to me any more. To be completely honest, with as bad as I've been feeling I haven't even picked up a single bottle. I don't want to drink. Can you believe that? I feel so bad that I don't even want to drink. Everything I own has tearstains on it. I've gone through so many boxes of tissues lately; and I have tissues wadded up into little balls everywhere. I don't even have the energy to throw them all away. The more I try to stop myself from crying the harder it is for me to not cry. I had no idea it was possible for one human to have to cry so much. I just don't know what to do any more. No one knew this until now but… the day I had received the divorce papers I tried to kill myself. I don't know what stopped me. I don't even know how I managed to keep myself from attempting it again. Every day I feel like killing myself and yet every day I wind up stopping myself from taking my own life. But I'll tell you one thing; earlier today I came across some of the letters you sent to me and I started to think about everything. I started thinking about us. Jimmy, please promise me that you'll never, ever put me through anything even close to this. Please say that you won't ever hurt me. If you ever hurt me then I surely wouldn't be able to handle going through this all over again. It probably would be the one thing that would set me over the edge and I won't be able to stop myself then. How much longer am I supposed to be this way? How much longer am I supposed to endure all this fucking pain? I can't take it, Jimmy. I really can't. Please just tell me that all of this isn't real. Maybe I'd be able to make myself believe it. I'd feel so much better believing a total lie than to face the ultimate truth that I've been facing.

Bam

Bam,

I… man… Baby I really wish I could be there with you right now after reading all of that. But I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run right to your side but at the same time another part of me keeps telling me to give you your space. But how am I supposed to just give you your space knowing just how badly you're suffering right now? It hurts so much imagining you going through your house just all distraught and not being able to stop crying or anything. I don't even know what to say to you that I haven't already said before. Maybe I should just come over to see you. It would make us both feel better. I just don't want you to suffer through all this pain any more. But what would I do once I came over there? What if I came over and I found out that it was too late? What would I do then if I lost you? I don't know if I could handle that. If I did lose you to all this pain I probably wouldn't be too far behind you. That's how much I love you. Bam I can't think about this it makes everything hurt so much more. I feel like this whole thing is my whole fault. I'm the reason why you're going through all of this right now. I'm the reason why your marriage failed. I'm the reason why you're now waking up every day feeling like you want to kill yourself. How am I supposed to live with myself now? It was bad enough after we told Missy that I knew that we hurt her, but now you're going through all this and I'm going through pain of my own. Why does it have to be so hard? Why did I have to tell you that I love you? Why did we have to love each other? It's really not natural for two good friends like us to love each other so much like this. If it's not natural then how come we found it so easy to fall in love with each other and not think anything of it? Maybe we really were supposed to be together. I don't know, Bam, maybe I'm just thinking about all of this too much. But I hate that we have to endure this. Why can't we just have that perfect world that you once described to me in one of your other letters? Why can't we just be in love with each other and have our relationship not affect anyone or anything else in the world? It's never going to be that way. We're never going to be fully accepted by the rest of the world and that sucks so badly. I wish that you didn't have to go through this divorce and still have what we have. I wish that I didn't have to sit back knowing that you're suffering so much and knowing that there's really nothing that I can do to help you get through it all. I wish there was a way to convince me that this all wasn't my fault. I wish this all could be fixed in an instant. But I know inside that those wishes may never come true.

Jimmy

Jimmy,

If you find out that I have died and then you want to do the same; don't. I wouldn't be worth killing yourself over. No one deserves to love me so much that they'd be willing to die along with me. There's no reason for us to be together after we've both died. There's no reason for us to even want to be together while we're still alive. I don't deserve you and you don't deserve me. You deserve someone much, much better than me. I deserve no one. This all might be real hard for you to take but I'm telling you that it's the truth. You should just give up on me right now. Everyone should give up on me. In fact no one should have given a damn about me to begin with. I keep trying to tell people that I'm just no good but everyone refuses to listen to me. I can't take anyone thinking that I'm still worth their time when everyone should know that I'm not. I can't take anyone telling me that they love me or that I shouldn't be suffering so much. I can't take anything. There's no point in me even trying to get through all this. The moment that I start to feel better about myself and everything else around me, something will come along to knock me back down. I just know it will; you or anyone else can't tell me that it won't happen. Please, Jimmy, don't even bother coming over here to see me. I don't need any sympathy. I don't need any kind of comfort. I don't need anyone trying to cheer me up. I don't need anything. Also please don't call me and please don't write to me any more. It's best that we just break all ties with each other all at once. I'm done with everything.

Bam

Bam,

First of all I just have to say that even though I knew that at the end of your letter you told me that we should just break all ties with each other, as soon as I finished reading your letter and stopped crying I rushed over to your house right away. There was no way that I was just going to let you go on that way. Even if it was against your wishes, I just knew I had to see you. I'm really glad that I did go over there when I did. I believe that I came over just in time. You were sitting there on the floor wracked with tears and I saw that bottle of pills right next to you. I was relieved once I saw that you hadn't even opened the pill bottle. After I had spent however long it was just holding you practically in my lap on the floor, just letting you cry, you looked at me almost scared and you said that I saved you. You appeared almost surprised that I had actually come over there right then. I knew I didn't have to say anything to you then; just being there and holding you was enough. It really touched me when I heard you tell me I saved you when I did very little. But looking back now, I know I did exactly what needed to be done, nothing less and nothing more. I know that If I had not of shown up when I did, chances are you wouldn't still be here. Now I feel like the bond between us had grown a little stronger since that day.

I was more than glad to see that smile return to your face when it had. I don't think either one of us would be able to take another minute without it being there. It's so nice to know you're finally on the mend. I told you it was going to take a while and that it was going to be real tough. I also told you that it would all be worth it in the end. I still hold strong onto that and I'm starting to see you doing the same. I can already tell that things are getting much better for you. Just do me and every one else a favor and don't scare us like that ever again. Even April had to really thank me for being there for you that day. She can't stop thanking me for saving your life. Oh while I'm on the subject of your parents thanking me, tell Phil to ease up on his hugs; I think sometimes he forgets he's a big guy.

Love Jimmy

Jimmy,

I'll start out by saying that I'm forever grateful to you. I truly don't know what I would do without you in my life now. I was so far gone that day that I still don't remember everything that happened. But one thing's for sure, I'll always remember you being there. That's the part I remember very clearly. You've saved me in more than one way. I just can't put into words to express just what I mean by that. Every day now I find myself feeling a little better. I guess you were right when you said time heals all wounds. Sometimes I still feel like I don't deserve to have someone like you in my life. I'm beginning to believe that I do though. I think I'm going to make it. As long as you're around helping me through I will be able to make it. Some days are tougher to get through than others, but they all can't be good days. I never knew just how much I truly love you until that day. You have no idea how much I appreciate you and everything you've been doing for me. I do know now that it is possible for me to smile and laugh and even have fun like I used to. I do deserve to be happy. I do deserve to have this great love that I have. After all being happy and in love wasn't really to blame for that whole big mess that I'm still trying to make my way through. You weren't even the cause of all of that. I foolishly tried to love two people at the same time and wound up putting myself in deep trouble. It was a large amount of fear that caused the whole mess. Fear that it would all blow up in our faces. Fear that we were going to get hurt. Fear that I was going to lose one if not both of you. Fear of getting caught. I know now that the worst is over. I know now that like you tried to drill in my head before, something very good is in store for me and I'm going to be ready to embrace it. I'm going to be entering a whole new stage in my life and I know I'll be happy again. I feel now that with you in my life anything is possible.

Now since that day April hasn't been leaving me alone and from the way you make it sound, she's not exactly leaving you alone either. I think she might be planning on doing something special for you. I'm trying to talk her out of it but so far she's not listening to me. She is incredibly happy, which is getting annoying because she won't leave me the fuck alone now! That I can say is your fault. She acts like she doesn't know about anything serious going on between us but sometimes I have to almost wonder if maybe she knows but she's not going to say anything. Maybe she just suspects something but she's trying to keep it to herself. Either way I don't think that we would have to worry about April spilling the beans or even really being bothered by us. Not that I would have been worried about it before. I love my mom to death; she's really incredible. But she needs to stop worrying about me so much and get out of my house. Maybe I'll send her to your house for a while.

I love you, Bam

p.s. I'll tell Phil to ease up on those big bear hugs; not just with you but with me as well. Man those can hurt sometimes.

Bam,

I'm feeling so much more relieved now knowing that you're getting better. I was worried about you for a while. Bam I have to tell you something. I've never felt this way about anyone let alone another guy. I've never wanted to be in a relationship with another guy before. But since we started writing to each other like this I've realized that if the two of us had an actual physical relationship it would make me feel so good. It would be amazing. I want nothing more than to take what we have to another level. Although I know and feel that it should wait. Right now I'm very willing to wait until you're good and ready for a relationship again. I know that you're making it through all his; I can see you making improvements all the time. But remember something, Bam, whenever you're having a day or whatever where you're feeling down on yourself just keep reminding yourself that you do deserve to have someone to love you. You do deserve to be happy. You do deserve this great love. And you are not the biggest scum that ever walked the earth. True you may be a dirty filthy guy but so many people love that about you; for instance me. I can't tell you enough that things will get better for you. They might already be getting better for you but they'll get even better than this. Just keep on smiling and taking every day as it comes for you. I will always be right by your side as long as you need me. Don't let go of anything.

I love you so very much, Jimmy

Jimmy,

Oh wow. I'm real flattered by the beginning of your letter. But I just don't know. I'm glad that you said, though, that you're willing to wait. Right now I'm not ready for another relationship. I don't think I will be ready for another one for a while. There are many things that I'm going through right now. Well you know that. Plus, well, I wouldn't know what to do in a relationship with another guy. To tell the truth I'd be too scared. Well maybe scared isn't quite the right word. Overwhelmed? Whatever. All I know is I just can't handle another relationship right now. I know you understand that. It just makes me so happy to know that I have someone like you who is this understanding and willing to wait as long as it takes until I know that I'm ready. I also know that I will be able to trust you and that I'll feel comfortable with you. I wouldn't know what I would do if I had never even met you. I believe now that I really needed someone like you in my life. No I take that back; I needed you in my life. Now that I have you and your love I can't let go. You mean more to me than I ever imagined. I'm pulling through the toughest time of my life and it's all thanks to you. I can't even begin to thank you enough for what you've done for me. Everyone else has been here for me as well but none of them touch me quite like you have. None of them matter to me the same way that you do. There will be no more tears for me from here on out.

Love, Bam

Bam Bam,

You have no idea how happy I am to see how much better you've gotten lately. I can truly see the good old Bam shining through now. When I see you smiling more and more every time I'm around you it makes me smile. Just knowing how much better you're doing all the time makes me happy. Bam you're really strong; I've always known that about you. But lately you've been proving just how strong you are. You could have taken this fall as one that you'd never get back up from; in fact we all know you almost did take it that way. But you made it through stronger than ever. I'm real proud of you Bam. I have a feeling that once we do start a more involved relationship that it will be a real good one. There's no doubt in my mind that our relationship would be a lasting one. Looking over the past months as we've been writing to each other I can see how much we've grown. We've grown separately as well as together. And I can see us growing even more as the time passes. I can't wait for that. I find my love for you growing deeper all the time. I'm always thinking about you. I realize that when I'm not thinking about you I'm sad. Bam I could go on forever describing how much I love you but I won't. You know all of this has been fun; all this letter writing I mean. But at this point with as much time we've been spending together, writing letters really isn't necessary. When the time comes when we're going to be apart from each other for some extended period of time then we should write. Until then we've got the phone and our visits. I love you always and forever.

Love, Jimmy