Stitch. Experiment 626. He's cuddly. He's uncouth. He's cute and fluffy. He's destructive and indestructible. He's highly marketable. He's a genetically mutated trog from planet Tura with a penchant for mischief, chaos, and otherwise pandemonium...

... oh yeah - did I forget to mention she's a close friend of mine in a blue alien's body? ... I did?

Lets establish the facts: My name's Kyle. This story I'm gonna tell you is... hopefully fictional. Any resemblance to actual reality is PURELY coincidental.
Me and my dear friend Katherine were pals in high school. Then came college. Both of us - armed with undying enthusiasm for Walt Disney and his legacy - ventured to steamy Florida from the other hot state, Arizona, to participate in the Walt Disney World College Program. Kat's role: PAC member at the Magic Kingdom. Mine? Custodial, at the Animal Kingdom.

When we finally caught up with each other we knew we were gonna spend time together. (Hey! We're just friends! Don't get any ideas!) Thus, we would go to the parks, ride rides, dine well, etc. for me, this provided opportunity to see what was new and cool.

Enter Stitch's Great Escape.

It must be noted here that he, Tigger, and Goofy are my favorite Disney characters. Kat, on the other hand, favored more villainous types: Mirage, Helga Sinclair, Vanessa, Shego, and Maleficent. Plus some vampire – nazi – psycho anime woman named Rip Van Winkle from a comic she wouldn't shut up about. And I mean that in a nice way of course.

Anyway, Stitch's Great Escape is a cleverly imagineered attraction. It removed the scary stuff from the Extra TERRORestrial Alien Encounter and replaced it with everyone's favorite little ball o' destruction. Sure, it had its flaws, but it was still fun. Having Stitch spit on you, muss up your hair, bounce on your shoulder restraints, and belch in your face is a rather pleasant way to kill twenty minutes.

At the shows end, Kat and I were laughing hysterically. When my laughter died down, it somewhat disturbed me to find Kat still at it. I mean, I love Stitch and all, but talk about overkill. I began to wonder when she was going to take a breath. Worse, what was coming out of her was a creepy maniacal cackle that I was unaccustomed to hearing… out of Kat anyway.

"Um, Kat? I-It's over. You can, um, stop laughing." I whimpered nervously.

"THAT WAS FRICKIN HYSTERICAL!!" she shrieked, "C'mon! We're gonna do it again!"

Was I surprised you ask? Wes and no. I knew she had a bit of a soft spot for the trog… but… still

Two hours went by and Kat was still at it, and showed no sign of quitting. Even when I said I'd go check out neighboring Space Mountain (with a 40 minute wait!) and did so, she was still boarding and reboarding. By the time the sun was setting, I felt it was necessary to step in. Kinda like a designated driver or something.

"Kat! No!" I struggled to hold her back, "Bad Kat! Down! Do-own! That's it! No more for today! You got work tomorrow!"

"NooOOooOO!" she growled back at me in an animalistic tone, "gimmie! Stitch want fun! No sleepy!"

"Yes you sleepy," I returned in a stiff tone, "Now, come on." Need less to say Kat put up quite a fuss. It made for a long walk back to the monorail, a long monorail ride to the TTC, and a long bus ride back to Chatham, where I ushered her to her room to sleep off her addiction.

End of the story? You'd like to think so wouldn't you?

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Heinkel: but of course, nothing can be that easy.

Mistress 9: Why are we here providing commentary for this story?

Bellatrix: Probably because Logos is a lazy bastard and won't type up the other stories….

Heinkel: …. Oh……

Mistress 9: ….. ANYWAY, continue Kyle

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Castosaurus Café, day two, about two p.m. I sat among the usual fellow cast members. A few custodians, ride operators, and some greeters. Among others, there were Brom Bones, Captain Hook and Mr. Smee, the white rabbit, Pacha, Nala, Fish out of Water, and Mrs. Potts. (Many people think we work with people in character costumes. What a joke! No, we work with the real deals. Don't let those know-it-alls fool you) Among the usual chatter, I heard concerned mumbles among my colleagues.

"What's up guys?" I piqued.

Mike and Aisha turned to me. "You didn't hear? A couple of merchandise stores and Thunder Mountain closed. Someone trashed 'em."

"If you ask me," said Milo Thatch, "I'd say it was one of them villains."

"Don't flatter yourself," snapped a peeved Dr. Drakken, "I would have thought of something more diabolical.

"Like when I tried to steal the Key to the Kingdom?" Dr. Dementor teased.

"That was my own idea and you know it!" Drakken huffed.

This perplexed me. "Didn't the cameras catch anything?"

Aisha nodded. "Just one. They said it looked like Stitch"

"No way!" Everyone turned to see 6-year-old Lilo, "Stitch was home all last night with me. We both got grounded for our Anti-vampire trap in the bathroom. That's where they strike the most you know… I wish Nani could have seen the one we did catch before it got away…"

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Bellatrix: and as if by fate the vampire seemed to a 24 year old who swore to the high heavens in Flemish before Stitch and Lilo cut the wire that caught her pant leg

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"Maybe Phantasmo got out," I suggested, "Possessed a stitch doll or something."

Mike shook his head, "No. He's still doing repairs at the carrousel of progress."

Well I was puzzled. Yet, incredibly enough at this stage, I was unable to put two and two together. "I'll talk to Kat tonight," I resigned, "Ask her what's going on."

Once I got out at five, that left me with still a lot of time to visit the Magic Kingdom and pay a brief visit to Katherine. As I walked along Mainstreet I was sorta disappointed that I hadn't seen her. Curious, I roamed the park, especially inquisitive about the vandalized stores. Unfortunately, as a guest, I was given no opportunity to see what had happened. The local cast members had no useful information to dispense. It got frustrating real quick.

Tired, worn out, and still confused, I headed out.

Upon stepping foot onto Mainstreet again though, a blue paw cut me off, accompanied by a harsh "YAAAARRGHH!!

It sorta spooked me, a little.

"JEEZ-US!! YA TRYING TO GIVE ME A HEART FAILURE?!"

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Mistress 9: yeah… a little….

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Kat smirked, "Aloha," she snickered. Trying to regain a steady heartbeat, I took time to notice something different about her. Her ears, normally buried under her brown hair, seemed to surface, twice as long, kinda like elf ears, and although she wasn't exactly tall, she appeared even shorter then before. But most glaringly, two Stitch glove paws.

"Yay! So hyper!" she cheered, "Rarr! Abboh Tiggah! Too-bugee!"

I stood there, tongue firmly in my cheek. "I'm guessing you've gotten sort of attached to Stitch eh?"

"Not only that," she giggled, "But I've been working on my Stitch impression too! Listen: "she cleared her throat, and belted out a spot-on impression of the alien's phlegm cackle.

I, the usual voice impressionist, my top ones including Goofy, Stitch, Mickey Mouse, Winnie the Pooh, and Tigger, stared at her – hair on the back of my neck on end, goose bumps on my arms. "Oo-kay," I digressed coolly, "What happened to Rip? Or Maleficent? D'ja give up on them?"

"Yeah," Kat answered without a hint of remorse, "they're all so slow and reserved. They got absolutely no energy. Yay! We love you Stitch!"

I was indifferently mellow, "Kat, you're really starting to scare me."

"Meega too cute and fluffy!" she purred, rubbing against me. I won't lie, it was awkward. VERY.

"Aren't you supposed to me, oh, I dunno, setting up poles for the parade?" I asked.

Instead of answering Kat lazily smacked her lips. "Hey, Kyle? Got any gum? I just suddenly really got a case of the munchies."

"Sure," I agreed. Retrieving my pack in my pocket. I hadn't completed this task when I noticed she ripped the pole in two with her teeth alone. Blanking out for a proper response all I could say was. "Damn, you must be seeing a good dentist."

"Mmffanks," she replied. Or something like that. It was hard to tell, considering she had a large chunk of plaster in her mouth, "mmgood."

Okay okay. So I was seriously unnerved. "Yeah" was all I could say. "Well, um, good luck with that." And I left. I know, I KNOW, I should have done something, but I'm not exactly a doctor.

Well thanks to my heroic inaction, the vandalism reports at the Magic Kingdom got worse. The train tack got torn up. Toys had the stuffing chewed out of them. Astro Orbiter lost a ship. Madame Leota disappeared and reappeared three days later in the water of the final scene of Splash Mountain. As a result, Stitch and his legal team began holding regular press conferences to deny his involvement. As an extra precaution, Pooh and friends beefed up their security. No one knew what to do; even Basil of Baker Street came up empty-handed.

And Kat? Her behavior was becoming more outlandish and more irascible. Her Stitch impressions were becoming more than that. They were more then just slips of the tongue too. She was actually greeting guests in that voice (the excuse was that she had a sore throat.) and speaking in sentence fragments. Her passion for Experiment 626 crossed the line into psychotic obsession. She now owned every Stitch pin she could get her greedy little paws one. There was no stopping her….. but what was the connection?

Finally, I had decided it was long past time to confront her. It was about time to bring her back down to Earth. Besides, the Kat I knew would NEVER give up Rip Van Winkle or Maleficent. Something was wrong here, and it was time Dr. Kyle "DiZ" Blanchette, M.D, Head Shrink, made a house call (cue dramatic music)

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Heinkel: plays Hellsing opening theme

Mistress 9: Not very foreboding…..

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Katherine's less than enthusiastic roomies answered the door. They led me to Kat's room, and left me in my moment of dumb shock. Not only was the room trashed, but every Stitch item for sale anywhere in WDW was in there. Hats, shirts, toys, books, stickers, DVDs, CDs, pins, lanyards, pictures, and drawings filled the room, ceiling to floor. The patient was curled up on the floor, gnawing on a pink clock with a smiley face. Her ears and eyes were seemingly larger then they should be on any human. Her hands seemed less defined with long blue finger nails, and because she was a girl, I was quite aware of the amount of fine bluish hair that covered her. In short, it was not a pretty picture.

"Is this Stictch-ohlics anonymous?" I inquired sarcastically.

"Unh?" she growled as she continued to chew on the clock, "Ooo! Hah… hiiieee…"

"Kat, I'm seriously hoping you are aware of just how unhealthy this is. Time for a little intervention." I noticed she wasn't paying attention. Her sensitive nose began snooping around corners of the room for exotic smells. Disturbed, all I could comment was "There's no telling what you're gonna find in a college kid's room…" sure enough, she made a horrid face of disgust and sneered in an alien tongue.

Frustrated. I grabbed her arm and set her on the bed. "Kat, I want to help you. Something wrong with you!"

"Naga!" she huffed.

Now I'm an amateur hypnotist. I found a rapid induction technique that not only worked well on Katherine but those with poor concentration skills.

"Sleep!" I commanded as I pushed the back of her head. As expected, her eyes shut and she slumped forward into a state of relaxation. "Just relax all over." I guided carefully, " Listen to me very closely. When I wake you, you will be your old self, you are not Stitch, you are Katherine. Three, two, one."

Kat awoke, eyes blinking rapidly. She looked around, then felt her head as though she had a minor headache. "you okay Kat?" I asked.

She looked at me strangely, "Stitch hungry." She cooed

Well, so much for that.

But suddenly she developed a nervous twitch. "umm… Kat?" was all I could mumble. Soon, it continued to spread across her whole body. It turned into a total convulsion. What did I do? I PANICKED of course! What did you think I would do?

As I threw myself against the wall in terror, her condition worsened. Like a horrible werewolf B movie, her body was going a wretched transformation. Her eyes darkened, swelling in size. Her skin was slowly disappearing in a pelt of blue fur. She shrunk down and was lost into the folds of her jacket and other clothing. And then there was silence.

Two minutes later and life returned. And a carbon copy of our beloved 626 emerged from out of the clothing. She (it?) looked at me with mild perplexity.

Frozen, all I could mumble was, "Jumba and I are gonna have a little sit down tomorrow.

Her attention was diverted to her bureau. There she proceeded to throw about everything she could get her claws on. "Augh!" I yelped, "No! bad Stitch! Er.. Kat! Bad! No no!!" Obviously she didn't care much for the new rules. With an angry snort she hopped onto my head and began to taste test the papers she had grabbed. "Hey! No!" I cried, ripping a sheet out of her mouth, and then I saw the drawing that was upon it. "WHOA! Is Stitch allowed to commit that kind of violence on Maleficent Kat?"

That was when I noticed the window was open. More ever, Kat was nowhere to be seen. I ran to the window, and saw the alien run away like a hunting dog. "I'm comin' Kat!" I yelled, racing outside… forgetting that I was barefoot. "Ow!! OUCH!! COLD!! ACK!! That's okay then! I'll be uh,erm, I'll find you tomorrow! Just! Just Don't do anything stupid! Or crazy! Cuz… cuz…. Then I'm really gonna…. Come down on you like a ton of bricks!"

Aw man.. who the hell was I kidding?