Walking in to that room - within which was an innocent young woman and her newborn son, both totally unknowing to the disastrous events of the evening prior - I was trying my very best to maintain some self-preservation. She was not to know yet, and she most certainly couldn't hear it from me, I was her maid and she would need real comfort when she heard about such a terrible thing.
"Anna, thank goodness you're here, I've been bored out of my mind. I couldn't sleep through the night because I was too happy to be tired and I've had no-one to speak to since everyone else left." Of course everyone else had left, no-one could manage to look that woman in the eyes just yet, so here she was totally unknowing to the storm she was about to face. "Is something the matter? You look a little flustered if I may say so." So I wasn't doing as well as I thought at with holding the truth from her, that couldn't be good.
"No milady, I'm perfectly fine thank you. I think we should be more concerned with your wellbeing right now if you say you haven't slept a wink since everyone left. Really I can hold him while you sleep for a while if you like, milady?" At least if she was sleeping she wouldn't be talking about Matthew and how pleased she was that she'd given him an heir, but this was Lady Mary Crawley, of course she wasn't going to make anyone's life easy.
"Honestly Anna, I'm fine and not even tired, just bemused, sitting in a hospital bed isn't the most enthralling of activities you know. Would you just sit with me for a while, I hate to be alone with nothing to do." I couldn't well say no without raising suspicion so I would have to try and keep up my guard for however long it took.
"Of course Milady, if that's what you really want, I'd be delighted to take the weight of my feet for a minute or two." A weak smile forced it's way on to my face, hopefully convincing enough and I perched myself lightly on the seat beside her bed. "How is the little chap?"
"He's doing well, Dr. Clarkson said we should be able to leave tomorrow to come home, I can't wait to be back in my own bed I must say." Thank Heavens! I thought, at least it can wait until she arrives home then they can explain it when she is back in comfort. "It will be better with us together, our little family, just the three of us! I'm so happy Anna, you can't imagine this feeling until you've had it! I just can't wait until it's you here with Bates." Now this was becoming unfair, how could I lie so bluntly to a woman who was bestowing upon me her best wishes when all I could do was give her false hope of returning home to an all but dead husband, not to sound heartless but her feelings would most likely be spared if she was not deceived.
"Thank you Milady, truly I hope one day it will be me lying there with a child in my arms. But I think even if that day never comes I will be the happiest woman alive with my husband alone." Trying to stay off the subject of Mr. Matthew, at least if I didn't say anything about him I wouldn't be lying directly.
"I don't suppose you know where Mr. Crawley has gotten to, he was supposed to have come back with the others but I never saw him. Is he still at the house?" Oh dear! But fast thinking was a virtue I held close, the longer the pause, the less comforting the answer.
"Yes Milady, he was still tired so he thought it best to sleep at the house and return when he is more awake." I needed to make an excuse to leave, a lump was rising in my throat and if I didn't leave soon, there was no courage to swallow it down with. "Would you excuse me for a moment? I told Mr. Carson I would telephone him this evening to tell him if everything was still okay, he worries far too much, especially about you Milady." I rose from my seat and headed to the door to make my escape, when I reached the doorway I turned back to look at her and saw her smiling at me as if ready to say something, I nodded appreciatively before leaving.
"That's Anna, she's going to be one of your favourite people sweetheart." I heard Lady Mary say to the baby, she presumably thought me to be out of earshot, but I wasn't and I head every heart wrenching word that escaped her lips, but the last three were worse and even more painful to hear:
"And your Papa..." If only she knew the truth about how little the child would know their beloved father.
It was going to be the first time I saw her, since she found out and I didn't think I would be able to bear it - the way she'd look at me wishing that I would have told her the same fateful night. I knocked lightly on the door before entering her bedroom to see her lying strewn across the bed, in a similar state to the way I had found Lady Edith on the morning after her 'almost wedding'. I had to raise my hand to my mouth to muffle the small sob that threatened to escape my lips and I felt tears prick up in my eyes, never in all the years I had worked at the house had I seen Lady Mary - who had always been one of my favourite family members secretly - so upset.
"Oh my, is there anything I can get you Milady? Something to help you sleep perhaps?" Still staying a good distance away from the bed as I spoke, unable to trust her reaction to my presence. Her head pricked up from where it had lay on the pillow before she rose completely to stand. She began to walk toward me at an increasingly fast pace that unnerved me and made me want to shy away like a child about to get a beating. But instead she ran straight to me - shockingly for the both of us - and began to cry in to my shoulder, I whispered calming words to her as she wept and as she began to speak, I listened.
"...Why me? I thought I had finally found happiness then yet more pain, have I really done that much bad in my life? Why can't God punish someone else for a change? It's so unfair, it always seems to be me, however vain that may sound, that ends up worse off than they started." I helped her over to the bed where I let her sit before I sat beside her, I had known this woman long enough that I knew her different moods and she was not in the mood to scold me for impropriety today.
"My mother, well she used to say a lot of things, but anyway she used to say that God always burdened most those who could carry the heaviest burden. Milady, you have been through so much since I arrived here and you have always pulled through, you have always come out of things stronger than you started. You are never going to truly be destroyed because you have been caused so much pain that you have come to learn that it only strengthens you in the end, that's why I know that you won't feel this way forever, no matter the extremity of your grief I know you that if anyone is capable of surviving this it's you Milady. You are Lady Mary Crawley, daughter of Grantham's 6th Earl and a real trooper."
"But, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, how am I ever supposed to get over Matthew, barely past my 30th birthday and already a widow what hope is there for me now? Most people would re-marry but I don't think I can, I loved Matthew too much for anyone to even begin to compare, and who would want a widow with child anyway?" What could I say? I couldn't comfort her properly, not in the way I would comfort a friend, I couldn't hug her and speak openly about emotions, it wouldn't be right even for two as close as us I would never cross that line.
"You can do this, Milady. You can, and you will, no matter what may come you will always be the last one standing." All I could do was keep reminding her of her strength, because she never truly had believed she was that strong, underneath that opinionated and witty woman lied a vulnerable young girl who was still uncertain of her self and her ability to do the right thing. "You don't think you can, but you will, you'll prove it to yourself and to anyone else who may doubt you along the way. You've never truly seen how amazing you are, not many people have but Mr. Crawley did, your Mother certainly does and so do I." I smiled sympathetically at her as I spoke and was delighted to see what could be called a smile in return on her face. With this I prepared to leave her, she needed time alone and that much I knew from the experiences I had with grief so I would leave her to her own thoughts.
Preparing to leave her with a pile of her clothes under my arm, I turned to smile again and found her looking at me, I was about to question it when I didn't see the point so I curtsied and made for the doorknob.
"Thank you Anna, thank you for that" I turned again to smile at her and nod gratefully before leaving her in her bedroom. That wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought it would be.