Impossible To Fight
Rating: M
Pairing: LM/HP, other side pairings, RW/HG, some very small SB/RL interaction, although nothing big.
Summary: I was still trying to sense his warm body next to me, still trying to get another sniff of his intoxicating smell, still trying to feel his arms wrap around me and make me forget about the world.
Warning: This should definitely not be read by anyone who dislikes (BIG) age difference and slash. Slash as in male/male couples, gay pairing, guy loves guy. Sorry, this is simply to clarify for you. I don't want any flames or reviews commenting this.
I guess there might be some OCC-ness, as usual when writing Harry/Lucius. But I don't think there will be too much of it really. There will be no pet!Harry, or a very very very very submissive!Harry, neither will there be any kind!Lucius. Harry will indeed be submissive in his part of their relationship but not to that level. There might be some violence, but then again, rating is for a reason!
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Corrected By: NO ONE
Authors Note: Yes, I know, I know!! I should be working on a chapter for Tumbling in Darkness! Its coming guys, soon I hope! Don't worry, I have not abandoned it! This has just been nagging in the back of my head for quite some time. And I really need it to stop. After this, I promise I'll focus some more on TID. Thanks for your patience!!!
Love!!
Chapter One
Looking back on the time we had
Someone cracked a joke. Or at least I figured someone had, as Ron's loud booming laughter, which had gotten so much darker during the last term, filled the room. Those who hadn't laughed with him before, at the joke, now chuckled softly at him. Even I couldn't keep a small smile from blooming on my face. He was very funny when he didn't know it.
Hermione smiled and rolled her eyes in front of me. Her hand came to rest on Ron's hand on top of the table and she gazed softly up at him. He in turn looked down at her between his laughter and gave her a wink, their fingers entwined with each other. Like the ones of a loving couple.
Mrs Weasley was beaming from her seat as she saw the small yet intimate act of love and she shared a look with most of the ladies in the room. They all sighed in a way that only girls sighed when looking at something adorable, or perhaps something that caused jealousy to rise within them.
Sirius opened his mouth to tell another joke and the room was filled with the same booming laughter not two minutes later.
In all this, the Christmas bliss I shared with the people I held most dear, I felt alone. I felt lonely and cold. I shuddered and closed my eyes in concentration of not to think of him. But the damage was already done and pictures of him entered my mind. I was lost.
I cursed myself for falling into the trap again, his trap. I cursed him for the angry tears that almost entered my eyes. I cursed him for making me feel like this.
Quickly, I excused myself from the table, in the middle of all that laughter and joy. I knew I was destroying some of that for them. But I couldn't bring myself to care about them while I was feeling so bad. Not when my heart ached painfully every time I caught myself in the brief, limited moments of happiness I was allowed to have. I both knew and didn't know at the same time about the looks they sent after me as I quickly left the room.
I ignored them as the room got silent after my leave. I simply walked quickly up the stairs towards Ron's bedroom with two steps at the time. I closed the door around me with a deep breath, still not allowing the burning tears to leave my eyes.
I laid down on the bed, in an attempt to calm myself. I slipped willingly into the wild, soft and wonderful fantasies of the two of us together, in another world where that would be alright, where my tears weren't tears of longing and despair but tears of a misty cloud of lust. But I couldn't really relax. As some part of me always knew that they were, yes, only fantasies.
I swallowed hard.
I swallowed again and successfully repressed the tears, for now, for today. I lay completely still in the bed. I was still trying to sense his warm body next to me, still trying to get another sniff of his intoxicating smell, still trying to feel his arms wrap around me, warm me up and make me forget about the world.
All I felt were the cold sheets laying beneath me, all I smelt was the flowery smell of the pillow beneath my head and the only thing warming me up was the usual Weasley sweater I got every year, dark red this time.
Someone knocked softly on the door and then opened it in the same manner without waiting for the answer they never would've gotten.
"Harry?" Sirius asked quietly, slowly, mildly.
I didn't move, I simply cursed softly as his voice caused my tears to stream up again. I fought desperately to fight them down again, although found it to be near impossible. A muscle in my chin had now started to jerk in small ticks-movements which clearly signalized tears, and probably make me look like a small child. I was really glad I wasn't facing Sirius.
"Harry?" Sirius asked tersely again.
I made no noise.
He sighed and I felt and heard the bed creak as he sat down carefully next to me.
"What's up, kiddo?" He asked placing a hand on my shoulder.
"Uh…" I said, trying to get my voice in check. "Nothing…"
My mind was now spinning and got into another track whilst trying to come up with an excuse for Sirius…
-^LMHPLM^-
… I sat up, and wondered to myself, exactly how this had happened. The white, soft sheets were twisted around my waist and covered the area from my navel to the middle part of my thighs.
Not that it mattered though, I could have sat stark naked with him in the room without caring, as we spent most of our time together naked. Him, the most obnoxious, irritating and wonderful person I ever met.
He was still asleep; his long blonde hair for once tangled up and sprayed out on the pillow like a silver carpet instead of neatly brushed or pulled up in a hair band. I loved it.
I loved to watch him sleep, his features peaceful and sincere instead of the cold, indifferent mask he always showed otherwise. His body lazily placed on the bed in a relaxing position, compared to when he was awake when his posture was exactly as what was expected of him; straight and intimidating.
It made me both happy and sad to see him like this; happy because I knew that he was only genuinely happy in sleep; sad because I knew he never looked like this otherwise.
Carefully, I leaned back on the bed again, caressing his face and hair with the touch of a feather, as I knew he was a light sleeper. And I desperately didn't want him to wake up right now.
He moved, and I feared for a second that I had woken him up. But his strong arms merely reached out for me and, when they found me, they wrapped themselves around me and pulled me into a spooning position. My vision was at once taken away from me, and half my face was covered with one of his arms. I slowly turned around and saw his chest rising like a castle wall to protect me.
He pulled me closer.
Time passed; an hour, perhaps two and I fell back in a soft slumber, only to wake up later by a careful knock on the door.
That would have made us sit up in the bed rigid only six months ago, looking at each other with a mix of fear and panic. Now, we simply hugged each other harder, knowing that our time was up. It was time to leave.
Tibby, the only one who knew about us, walked into the room with careful steps and she watched us with the same look she always had when she watched us. It was a sort of reassurance that she didn't judge us. That she never would.
We broke from each other and I slipped out of the bed and allowed the sheets drop of me as I walked towards the chair were we had tried to at least put the clothes somewhat nicely in our hurry to pull them of.
Lucius laid back and watched me, after a while he sat up and leaned his back on the headboard, probably to get a better view of me while I dressed.
I pulled my clothes on slowly, drawing every motion out as long as possible, buttoning every button with care that the shirt didn't deserve, as it was wrinkled from being placed in a pile underneath heavy robes.
When I finished, all too soon, I looked over at Lucius whose eyes still followed my every move.
Tibby, the house elf left us alone.
Lucius sighed and pulled himself of the bed with another deep sigh.
He stood up and walked towards me, naked. Arms enveloped me and hugged me before a pair of soft lips caught my own.
"See you soon", he whispered when he had withdrawn again.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him harshly again. His hands on my arse and pushed my cheeks upwards before his fingers clenched them and massaged them with a fragrance of the passion we'd felt the night before.
His tongue invaded my mouth and explored the places he knew so well by now. His experienced moves caused me to loose my breath again and almost fall. The heartbreaking feeling set down in my chest and a desperate longing started to scream within me.
My heart warned loudly, 'do not let him go' and pounded harder and faster as we pulled away from each other, knowing that we didn't have the time for anything else.
I opened the door and hesitated. I looked back and saw him stand there, the light swirling around him creating a halo around his body. My heart was still wailing and crying loudly for his arms to close around me again, his masculine voice to tell me that everything was going to be alright.
He gave me an uncharacteristic smile and shook his head, knowing exactly what I was thinking.
My eyes begun to sting, and I fought the impulse to step back into the room. My ears filled with the noise of my pounding heart, the floor creaking beneath our weight and the wind soaring outside.
I closed the door. And everything became silent.
-^LMHPLM^-
"Harry?" Sirius said for what I assumed was a number of times, if his strange tone was anything to go by.
I turned around. My tears had subsided, my feelings had calmed down by the thoughts of him, surprisingly.
He looked worried.
I gave him a smile and wiped away the remaining tear that lingered on my chin.
"Wanna tell me about it?" He asked and put a hand on my shoulder.
I gave that question a thought. I wanted to trust him. I really did. But what danger would I lay on the three of us if I did? Sirius wasn't, as far as I knew, very good at occlumency, a treat we shared. I, however, had at least some knowledge, and would be able to push an intruder out for the few minutes it would take me to escape. Hopefully. Nonetheless, it would be dangerous to tell him.
I looked away and shook my head.
"It's nothing" I said and tried to smile at him.
Sirius gave me a strange glance, impatient, frustrated and sad.
"You can't keep going on like this." He said quietly.
I turned my head towards him and met his searching gaze without wavering.
"With what?" I asked and hoped that I sounded like I usually did.
Sirius shook his head. He stood up and removed his hand from my shoulder. With one last hurt glance he walked towards the door, like a lost puppy. Then, when he was about to open the door he turned around and flew towards me.
"If you won't tell me then I'll have to force it out of you!" He all but yelled. "I don't care what I'll have to do, Harry. Are you listening? This feeling or feelings you have. This abnormal thing is eating you up from the inside out! You are loosing shape! You are fucking fading away!"
For a moment, I saw a flicker of the insane state he had been in while in Azkaban. It gleamed through his eyes for less then a second, yet it was clear as a bright flash in the darkest of nights. Too me at least.
I wondered if he was fighting it, the madness, the cold feeling that I could feel creep under my skin every now and then. I wondered how he was able to hold on to life. To the happy parts of life like the one going on right now, two stairs down.
"This has been going on since you came back from the summer holiday's Harry. It can't go on any more!" Sirius almost looked mad by now. His hands were carding through his dark curls while his face was scrunched up in defeat.
He proceeded gentler. His eyes suddenly widened in realisation and he whipped around and looked at me. He came closer. Sirius hands cupped my face and his eyes searched mine for something, for some kind of evidence.
"Oh you poor child…" He whispered.
He hugged me tightly.
"Did something happen at the Dursley's?" He wondered, the question spoken in a mere whisper.
I shook my head, and somewhere there, deep inside the tight embrace of my godfather, he felt it.
He squeezed me tighter.
"You don't have to lie to me, Harry. It's alright if it did… We'll work through it… You just need to tell me what happened."
Yes, the Dursley's treated me like crap. I had been through some traumatising things back there. But they had never raped me. Starved me, yes, vocally abused me, yes, beaten me, sure. But never, ever had they put a hand on me that even intended on something sexual.
"It happened over the summer… didn't it?" Sirius whispered and ran a hand trough my hair.
I almost laughed. Yes… It happened during the summer. But not in a way you could imagine…
-^LMHPLM^-
She fired of another sexy smile at my way. I smiled back and cursed myself for doing so. I wasn't the kind of guy who let a girl on. I didn't want her hanging around because I knew we'd never be together, for several reasons.
Voldemort, for example, he would definitely not hesitate to kill her only to hurt me. I could not bring her into all this. Nope, it wouldn't be fair.
And… Well, she'd definitely have to adjust to the fact that I was a wizard. And that would probably take some time. Or she'd simply dump me and claim that I was a lunatic. Or she'd go of and tell the whole world about the wizarding world. Although, then she'd be the one looking like a lunatic. That wouldn't be fair to her either.
No, there were several reasons for me not to hang out with her. But I knew the real reason, deep within, even though I hesitated to accept it. I wasn't interested in her. To clarify, I wasn't interested in any 'hers', or girls or whatever you wanted to call them.
That had hit me several weeks ago, whilst I still were in Hogwarts. Dean had just stepped out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his hips with water drops still lingering on his smooth, dark skin. One of them teased me to no end as it suddenly let go from its place on his chest and then rolled downwards. I had watched it roll down his abs and then past his navel, this was the part where I was starting to gulp for air as I forgot to breathe in my excitement, and then, it travelled further down until it was concealed by the white towel contrasting nicely to Dean's chocolate skin.
I didn't notice my achingly hard crotch before I found myself moaning loudly. Thankfully, the other boys hadn't notice my vocal trembling and I was free to excuse myself to the bathroom to take care of my problem. Thoughts of Dean doing wicked things to me swirling uncontrollably in my mind.
Now I stood here by the register buying food. A cute girl with a round face and dark hair falling in waves around her otherwise small frame sat on the other side flashing these smiles at me. Smiles I couldn't help myself not to answer. However, I told myself that there would be nothing more then a few smiles. I paid her and put the groceries in two plastic bags before I turned to leave the store.
A man was standing a few yards ahead of me, a bit away from the registers. I wouldn't have noticed him if it wasn't for the fact that he was glaring with such fierce hate that I almost dropped my bags. His gaze darted from me to the girl behind the register and then almost immediately, as he would loose me if he didn't keep his eyes at me, he turned his eyes to me again.
I walked forward and turned right towards the end, passing him by a few feet. My shoulder tensed up as adrenaline pumped into my body and as fear and excitement built up within me.
A few seconds passed, and along with them, I passed him by. I almost felt disappointed.
I walked towards home, or what I was forced to call home, quickly. When I walked through a small tunnel, I stopped. Behind me, the clatter of shoes that probably had been following me, stopped as well.
I stood still, not daring to move a muscle in case of getting stunned or hexed. The feet started to move again, and a sound from something that probably was a cane followed them until they stopped again, right behind me.
I slowly turned around, unconsciously holding my breath as I did so and my eyes closed themselves as I stood right in front of the person who'd followed me, or rather, the Death Eater who'd followed me.
A hand grasped my cheek softly, large fingers stroking my jaw line and then, traced my cheekbone. The person now convinced me of them being male. No woman could possibly have that kind of hands. The man suddenly jerked my chin upward in a not so soft movement.
I opened my eyes.
How right I was.
I was staring into the grey eyes of Lucius Malfoy.
-^LMHPLM^-
It had developed our relationship that is. From a strange hate, to a ridiculous fondness, to an intriguing romance, to heart aching love, no doubt it would continue to develop even more with time. I barely dared to wish of what would happen when the war ended. I hardly allowed myself to think that we might, that somehow it would be possible, to create a life together.
How often wasn't Ginny and Hermione talking about marriage, kids, and their coming carriers? Ginny would throw me a glance every now and then and sometimes a hopeful smile. That made me sure that she had yet to come over me. No matter what Ron said about her infatuation had died several years ago. Bullshit, those glances where evidence enough for me to push his ideas aside. He hadn't been, or wasn't, very good with feelings anyway.
Anyway, it was hard to push those thoughts as well. Ron hardly said anything about the matter. Except for a few strange comments every now and then such as; "I wonder what dress she'll wear", "A big house… with kids…" I quickly learned not to answer such questions, because they were not directed to me. But to that inner voice of his he talked to sometimes. Ron could be stranger then Luna sometimes. Hell, he was even stranger then me.
Before Sirius could let me go and run of too Remus and tell him of his recent discovery, I stopped him. I hugged him back.
"It's not them." I said in a firm voice.
However much I may have hated the Dursley's, not even them would do such a horrible thing. I didn't want to accuse them of anything. Because I knew if I did, or made a slight suggestion of being treated of anything worse then bad, then Sirius wouldn't hesitate to make his reputation worthy him.
"I… It's… I'm just worried." I said, stammering as I tried to come up with an excuse.
"I don't want anyone getting hurt." I whispered and hopefully sounded truthful enough.
There was a deep silence, and I feared that Sirius might have discovered my lie.
"About the war?" He suddenly asked with a deep rumbling voice.
I nodded quickly. He didn't let go of me.
"We all are kiddo." Sirius begun and stroked my back. "Although I suppose you have it a lot worse then anyone else…"
He then pulled away from me and looked rather troubled. He quickly tried to cover up his mistake.
"Not to push any pressure on you, though. You know not everything is your fault. In fact, nothing is your fault! You don't have to do anything you don't want to do or…"
As Sirius continued rambling about the war and my current status in it, I smiled.
Maybe I would dare to write to Lucius.
-^LMHPLM^-
So that's the first chapter! I hope you liked it!
Constructive criticism is appreciated!
- Celestial Beauty