You know how most people believe that bad things are never gonna happen to them? I used to be one of them. Biiiiiiiig mistake, if you ask me.
First my mum died and I thought that I would fall apart. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again, I already felt dead inside anyway. But something gave me hope, my dad. He used to come to my room every night and sing me to sleep so I wouldn't fall asleep crying and have nightmares again. He did that every night. And there was not a single time that he was too tired or too bored or too busy to do that. And it got me thinking that if my dad loves me so much then there must be at least one reason I exist – and that was for him to come and sing me a lullaby every night. To show me that he loved me and he was there for me. To help me move on.
But then he had to leave and be away for most of the time so he could provide me everything I wanted as a substitute for mum. Sometimes I wish he could understand that all I needed to be happy was to see him every day and have breakfast with him every day and occasionally have him sing to me like he did when I was little.
But that time I had Brooke to show me how great life was without parents, how much "fun" we could have together. And we did have fun. Every Tuesday we would go to the mall and I would buy new Cds (or crappy music and she usually called it), while Brooke would try on a new lip gloss or a new dress. We would spend the whole evening together, just the two of us. And I remember a time when that was enough. That was more than enough.
But then boys came along. Or more specifically, Lucas did. He didn't exactly tear us apart but got pretty close to doing that. Twice. I terribly missed her during our fights. We wouldn't talk and she would be all bitchy to me and it hurt me so much that I had to do the same thing to her and not just forget it all and just be friends again like we did when we were little.
Eventually we found our way back to where we used to be but that feeling of bitterness never left my heart. It was always there, always present reminding me of my mistakes and faults, of my tainted and so wanted-to-be-forgotten actions.
When Lucas asked me to marry him I was so scared that I couldn't think of anything else but to call her so that she could tell me what to do. Unfortunately I couldn't do that. So I said no. And we all see how well that turned out. But it just seemed right at the time. We were so young, we both had things we wanted to do. But we were in love. Shouldn't that be enough? Isn't that what it should all be about?
Four years later I am back in Tree Hill. Demanding that he will dumb everything and everyone in his life just to be with me again. I must really have some nerve. Cause I can't do that. He's in love with Lindsey and I get that. I just had to try, to make it up to myself so I won't wonder in ten years from now what might have been.
I'm sitting alone in the living room listening to some "crappy music" as Brooke would say (empty apartment by yellowcard actually) and thinking that I should let him go. After all when you love somebody, the least you can do is take care of him and make sure that he's happy.
I should let him be happy with Lindsey then as much as I hate even the sound of it in my head.
But where does that leave me? What do I do from now on? I mean, I came back to Tree Hill for Lucas, now that it's clear that he's out of the picture what will I do? And who will I do that for? What for? It sounds stupid, I know. I'm twenty three, I shouldn't be out of motives so fast but yet again, here I am, wondering what I'm gonna do…
I suppose I can't do much but hope. I believe it's easier to do that when you got people who care about you and are willing to help you at 3 am in the morning.
Hope for a better life, hope for better opportunities but mostly hope for a better presence cause after all today is what is worth trying for. Every day has a different reason of existence. Because every day some of us get hurt, some get to be happy and some get to move on from a situation that wasn't good either for themselves or anyone else. And at the end of the day everyone learns something whether they realize that or not. Whether they understand why or not.
And after all presence in nothing more than the future you feared in the past.