Ok, this is me trying something new, not just hopeless angst (shock horror!) Hope you like it! Is the first fluff I've written :) (but this is me, so is still a tiny bit angsty!)
This is a sort of song-fic, using 'Can't Fight This Feeling'. I absolutely love this song, and was listening to it the other day and thought how perfectly the lyrics fitted Howard and Vince (in my mind)!
Disclaimer: I still don't own the Boosh. sigh
I also don't own 'Can't Fight This Feeling', it belongs to…actually, I'm not sure who it belongs to. But I'm pretty certain it isn't me.
I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show
Vince found himself once again watching Howard from over the top of his Cheekbone magazine. He gave himself a mental shake and tore his eyes away from his friend's back. This was absolutely crazy. He was driving himself mad. But he couldn't help himself, not when he was always so close to Howard. So close, but never close enough to touch. He'd never realised how painful unrequited love could be, not until he'd felt it for himself. He wasn't even sure when his feelings for Howard had grown from purely platonic to something more. Looking back he couldn't remember a time when he hadn't wanted the Jazz Maverick, but he felt sure that he used to just be his best friend…If he could have one wish, just one, it would be for Howard to see him like he saw Howard. Not just as a best friend. But how often did you get what you wish for…?
"Vince?"
Vince gave a little jolt, realising he had been staring at Howard whilst lost in his thoughts. "What?"
"You ok? You seem a little distracted. More so than usual, I mean."
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I say there is no reason for my fear
'Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear
Vince opened his mouth, then hesitated. "Yeah. I'm fine Howard, really."
"Ok…" He seemed unconvinced, but he left Vince alone and returned to re-arranging the shelves. Vince sighed. Why couldn't he just tell Howard how he felt? Every now and the he felt sure Howard might be thinking the same things he was. A look in his deep brown eyes, or the touch of his hand on Vince's arm lingering for half a second longer than was 'friendly'. Also, surely feelings this strong couldn't be purely one-way? There had to be something there, right? But what if there isn't? Vince thought sadly to himself. His worst nightmare would be telling Howard how he felt and being rejected and scorned by the older man. In fact, he had had that nightmare a couple of times and woken up with his face wet, realising he must have been crying in his sleep. He couldn't even remember just being 'Vince', or even 'Howard. And Vince.' It was always 'Howard-and-Vince', like they were one organism or something. Vince couldn't even imagine a life without Howard. He didn't want to.
And even as I wander
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
Of course, there had been times when he'd gone off and done other things with other people. They both had. But even when he'd been off joining a new band, or trying to kidnap David Bowie with Leroy, Howard had never really been far from his mind. And he knew that, despite all his talk about wanting to be a rich and famous Rock 'n' Roll star, he wouldn't go anywhere without Howard by his side…
"Vince? You're daydreaming again. You sure you're ok?"
"I'm fine Howard. Just bored. Is it closing time yet?"
Howard glanced at the clock. "Just about, little man. We'll shut up 10 minutes early, ok?"
"Cheers, Howard." he hesitated. "Do you want to rent a DVD tonight?"
Howard looked round in surprise. "Aren't you going out? Vince Noir home on a Friday night, who'd have thought it?"
"Hey! There's more to me than just a dizzy little party animal you know!"
Howard seemed to realise that Vince felt genuinely hurt by his jokey comment, so he walked over and hesitantly placed a hand on his shoulder, not noticing the way Vince shivered slightly at his touch. "Sorry, little man. A DVD sounds great. You go down and get one now, you can choose, yeah?"
"Ok! It'll be genius, we haven't hung out in ages!"
Howard gave him a slightly odd look as he walked into the back room, and Vince suddenly worried that his enthusiasm had been a little OTT for just a night in with a friend.
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever
But deep in his mind, it didn't feel like just a night in with a friend. If he didn't tell Howard how he felt soon, Vince was sure he was going to explode. So he would tell him tonight.
No, he wouldn't.
Yes. Yes, he would.
As he neared the video shop, he wondered what the best film to get would be. Something Howard would like, obviously. But nothing too romantic, didn't want to make him uncomfortable…
Vince browsed the shelves, feeling more and more nervous, as if whether Howard would return his feelings or not depended entirely on his film choice. Maybe I should just forget it he thought go back with 'Coyote Ugly' or 'Sex and the City', like he's probably expecting me to.
But even thinking that made Vince determined to get a good DVD, if only to prove to Howard that he wasn't as selfish as he seemed to think. In the end, he went for Airplane!. A comedy, nice and safe. Plus he knew Howard liked this film, even if it might not be his own first choice.
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
Vince let himself into the flat and walked up the stairs. Howard was in the kitchen getting a bottle of wine, so he didn't notice him at first. Vince spent a few seconds watching his friend, thinking about what it would be like to hold him, to touch him, to… then Howard turned around so Vince had to quickly jerk his mind out of his fantasies and grin at him, holding up the film for Howard to see. He looked pleasantly surprised at the choice, and Vince was glad he'd made the effort to choose a good film now.
They fast-forwarded through as much of the trailers at it would let them, and then settled down as the title music started. Vince was having a hard time concentrating, Howard was sitting so close to him he could feel the heat from his body… Howard turned to him suddenly. "You know, I think the first time I ever saw this film was with you."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Back at school. God, I haven't thought about that place in a while." His eyes got a misty, far away look in them. "Do you remember my first day? When we first met?"
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl
'Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find
Of course he remembered; how could he not? He'd been mucking around with his mates one day when Howard had turned up, and instantly got mistaken for the substitute teacher. It was only when the houses 2 streets away began making noise complaints that Howard had to admit he was only a student, and had no intention of controlling the class.
"I thought the headmaster was going to have a stroke!" Vince chuckled. "His face went all red. Must have been some sort of record, you getting a detention after only 2 hours at your new school!"
Howard smiled reminiscently at the memory. "Worth it though. Don't think you – or anyone – would have talked to me had I not got myself noticed like that!"
"I'd have talked to you!"
"Yeah?"
Vince suddenly felt nervous again. Had that sounded too sappy? "Well, you sat next to me, didn't you?"
"Oh. Yeah. Right."
Howard turned back to the film, leaving Vince to dwell on his thoughts. Of course he remembered their school days, he remembered everything about them. He was glad he'd begun speaking to Howard, he didn't know how he'd have got through his parent's divorce without him. He remembered how he would go round to Howard's for dinner about 3 or 4 nights a week. His mum always looked pleased to see him, fussing over how he was so thin and pale and giving him seconds whenever he'd take them. He used to wish he could live at Howard's house. His family had seemed so…normal. You never went round and found Howard's dad passed out on the sofa next to an empty vodka bottle. Howard's mum didn't spend her entire life in long sleeves, in a pathetic attempt to hide the scratches that adorned her arms. Not like his family at all.
Vince's heart rate increased slightly as his mind wondered back to one particular time he'd gone round to Howard's…
He'd been 15. They'd turned up to find a note from Howard's parents on the fridge telling him they'd gone to the theatre. Howard had shrugged and cooked the pizzas they'd been left in the freezer (Vince loved how Howard's mum had bought an extra one, just in case he came round. It made him feel like part of the family.)
Afterwards, they'd gone up to Howard's room to listen to music. Vince was trying in vain to convert Howard to electro music, or any kind of music really that wasn't jazz. But Howard insisted he didn't like any of them. Vince suspected he was just being difficult, unwilling to admit that maybe he'd been wrong about something. They'd been laughing at some obscure punk track Vince had put on, and Vince had accidentally rested his hand on Howard's knee. Both boys had stared at the hand, before both raising their heads at the same moment and locking eye contact. They'd sat there for what could have been a year, or maybe five seconds. Vince had hardly dared breathe in case Howard suddenly realised what was happening and told him to move his hand. But he hadn't, he'd just sat there, his eyes roving all over Vince's face, his gaze flicking from his eyes to his mouth and back again. When he licked his lips nervously, Vince had leant towards him, Howard mirroring the gesture. Their faces had been so close… and then the front door had slammed as Howard's brother and his girlfriend came in, startling them so that they both jerked their heads away from each other, and Vince hurriedly withdrew his hand.
And even as I wander I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window on a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
Vince glanced at Howard out of the corner of his eye. What would have happened, he wondered, if Howard's brother had come home even one minute later? Would he and Howard have gotten together, become a couple? In which case, would they still be together now, watching this film as a romantic night in? Or would they have broken up long ago, Howard been left by the way-side like so many of Vince's exes?
No. Vince couldn't believe that would happen, he and Howard needed each other too much. They were like… someone had once said they were like chalk and cheese, but Vince didn't like that. Chalk was all nasty and gritty, and tasted horribly bitter when he'd accidentally eaten some once. No, Vince preferred to think of them as more like… crisps with chocolate. On paper, they just didn't sound compatible, but once you put them together you discovered they were the perfect combination.
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever
Vince suddenly realised Howard was no longer watching the TV screen, but was staring at his leg. "Howard…?" he followed Howard's gaze, and realised for the first time that he was resting his hand on Howard's knee. He flicked his eyes guiltily to his friend's face, taking a chance by leaving his hand where it was. Howard slowly raised his gaze and locked eyes with Vince.
Suddenly, butterflies erupted in Vince's belly, and it was as if he were 15 again, in Howard's pokey little bedroom. The tension in the air was electric, the film played on forgotten in the background. For Vince, it felt as if the whole world contained only Howard and this moment. He licked his lips and leaned his face towards Howard's, moving slowly to give the Jazz Maverick plenty of time to run away and pretend this had never happened. But he didn't. Vince realised with a small thrill in his stomach that Howard was actually leaning towards him as well! He looked into his deep brown eyes, his vision fuzzy from the close proximity of their faces. Howard was leaning into him, closing the gap between them…
BANG!
They both jumped as the front door slammed and Naboo and Bollo could be heard walking up the stairs. Howard turned bright red, glanced guiltily at Vince, and hurried off into his room.
"Oh, come on!" Vince muttered under his breath. "This is just picking on me, now!"
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Vince lay in the dark under his duvet, unable to get to sleep. He felt so frustrated! Naboo hadn't even stayed long, it turned out he and Bollo were off out and he'd just forgotten his portable hookah. Vince could have screamed when he told him this; his potential kiss with Howard ruined because of Naboo's drug addled memory.
He stared up at the ceiling, willing himself to fall asleep so he wouldn't have to think about Howard. He'd blown it. He felt sure he'd blown it. He'd never have the confidence to try and kiss Howard again, not now…and what if Howard brought this up? What if he was angry? Vince had thought he had been going to kiss him back, but what if he was wrong?
He sat up when there was a soft knocking on the door. "Come in?" the door opened and Howard shuffled in awkwardly, wearing his pyjamas. Vince's eyes widened slightly, and he pulled his duvet up a little higher.
"Hey, Vince."
"Hey."
Howard sat down on the edge of the bed, gazing around the room. He seemed at a loss as to what to say.
"Did you want anything, or…?" Vince asked. Howard turned to look at him, and Vince felt the breath catch in the back of his throat.
"Vince, I…look, what happened before. When we were watching the film…" Vince felt a lump rise in his throat. "That won't happen again, yeah?"
"Right." He couldn't look at him. If he looked at him, he'd start to cry…
"I didn't mean to freak you out, ok, little man? I just…"
Vince's eyes snapped to Howard's face, his confusion outweighing any desire to burst into tears. "Freak me out? What d'you mean?"
Howard looked like he was about to combust with shame. "Well, you know…when I almost, um, kissed you."
"You almost kissed me? What?"
Howard's eyes flew to Vince's in alarm. "Oh God, you didn't notice, did you? Have I just made a total prat of myself?"
"No." Vince swallowed, then took another chance and laid his hand on Howard's cheek. Howard started in surprise but he didn't pull away.
"Vince…?"
"I think we were in the middle of something." Vince whispered, and leant forwards and kissed him. Howard let out a small gasp of surprise, then began to kiss back. Vince was very glad he was already sitting down, or he felt sure he would have fallen over at this point. Howard tasted just as good as he'd always imagined him to. Vince wrapped his arms firmly around Howard's back and pulled him gently downwards, so he was lying on his back with Howard on top of him. Howard let out a small moan as Vince nibbled and sucked on his lower lip and Vince smiled slightly. He rolled over so that Howard was lying on the bed next to him and pulled away, gazing at him, running his fingers through Howard's hair. "Hey."
"Hey."
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to kiss you like that."
Howard's eyebrows rose. "Yeah?"
"Mm-hmm." He ran his hands down Howard's chest, down his stomach, and the bigger man shifted uncomfortably.
"Vince, I've never…I mean, I don't know…"
Vince realised why he was so uncomfortable. "Shhhh-shh-shh! Howard it's fine, really. I can wait. I'd wait forever for you."
Howard grinned at him. Then he glanced at the door. "Well, I suppose I'd better…you know. Go back to bed."
"Will you stay here?" Howard frowned, confused. "Just…you know, not for that…just stay here with me?"
Howard relaxed. "Sure, little man." Vince scooted up and he got underneath the covers. "Night Vince."
"Night Howard."
After another long, lingering kiss, both men settled down to sleep, arms wrapped tightly around each other. Vince sighed happily. Sometimes, he supposed, you did get what you wished for.
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
How did I do? The review button is love!
(And yes, by the way, I do like eating crisps with chocolate. If anyone cares. They are a lot nicer than it sounds, but I may be slightly crazy…)