Nine Lives

Chapter 1

By BluWhispers

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, nor anything else created by Masashi Kishimoto.

Warning: This is a YAOI fic. Meaning GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though )

A/N: This is my first fic. I hope you guys like it.

Summary: Angst. With a drama queen Sasuke. NOT a death fic (depends on how you define that, though). SasuNaru, KakaIru, and others. Sasuke POV.

Somehow, I knew he'd understand. Just the way I knew he'd understand when I said that giving Orochimaru my body would be worth it. Coz once you walk this path, this line of vengeance and hate, you gotta do everything that is necessary to achieve what you set out to do. There is no turning back, no other crossroad. Giving my body, taking drugs, murder….I'd do all of it and more. I DID do it. And I'd do it again. I am an avenger. For me, there is no life, there is no love. There is only the bittersweet taste of memories, and the hunger for justice. I have chosen to walk this road, I WAS chosen to take this path, and so I will bear all the burdens that come with the journey, I will drink of all the sins and evil necessary to get to the end. I am no longer a person, I am no longer an individual. I am not a friend, I am not a student, I am not a brother. I am merely the Avenger. But long before I was chosen to represent vengeance, I was already born into a bloody ideal.

We Uchihas tend to wear our collars high in battle. At least, I wear mine high just like my brother's. For one reason: the Sharingan. When you meet us, all you will see is the flare of red and the 666 of the Devil's bond. And that is the purpose of the collar, that is the key: FEAR. We are ideals, we are emotions, we are that which strikes fear in the hearts of the bravest ninja, we are the Sharingan. No longer will we be viewed as humans, we cease to be mortal, we stop being children, we are sons no more. Coz humans can bleed, mortals can die, children can cry, sons can be punished. Instead we are abstract, an ideal, a notion, an emotion. You can't hurt us, you can't kill us. That is why we win, that is why we can't be defeated. Once you see the Sharingan, once you taste the salty tang of fear trickling down your brow, you are lost. Ideas are bulletproof, but a man is a walking target.

Somehow, Naruto had always understood. He never blamed me, he always forgave me, even when I carried ideals too far. Somehow he understood the pain I had gone through when my world was slashed and left in a bloody heap at my feet, somehow he understood the desolation of tears in the rain, somehow he understood the utter loneliness of a boy and a lake. And somehow, he saw the scars on my heart, the wounds still bleeding in my mind. His eyes the color of Heavens, his heart that of an angel's, his wisdom that of God. He understood that as long as my brother lived, I would be torn in two. I could not be whole. Perhaps it was because of the mind-fucking my brother gave me as a child, perhaps it was the way my life was shaped by the massacre. Regardless, he understood everything, so he always forgave me, he always accepted me back with open arms. I know I'm blessed, I know what I'm doing is pushing the limits. But I have to do this, I have to finish this. This time, though, I'm not doing it for myself or for the lost dreams I could have lived. I'm doing it for Naruto. I'm doing it for all the hearts he's touched and all the souls he'll help in future. I'm doing this for all the smiles and laughter he brings to the world just by being alive. I'm doing this because that fool has warmed my heart and given me a soul, he breathed life into me when I was dead to joy. I'm doing this because it's going to be the only thing in my life I'm doing right, the only thing in my life that I've been so sure of, the only thing worth doing. I'm doing this because Naruto is Hope, and I'm in love with Hope and I'm in love with all that Hope can bring. Like Kakashi once told me, if you're going to make a fool of yourself, then at least do it for love. And this is going to be the stupidest thing in the history of mankind, this is going to be the most ridiculous feat ever accomplished, this is going to be something only an idiot would do out of love for a beautiful fool.

Tonight, now, I'm on my way to fight all that brings a frown to Naruto's face. I'm going to destroy everything that could ever throw his joy back in his face, I'm going to rip apart all that can stomp his laughter into the mud.

Rising from my perch on the stone head of the fourth Hokage, I smile down at the village, my coat billowing behind me at a sudden gust of cold wind. The moon is thin and gleaming, a Cheshire grinning so coldly. I would shiver, the night is one of the coldest ever, but I am numb to the world and everything it represents. I feel cold inside, I'm freezing in the abyss in my mind. My heart is breaking and my soul is dying, but I remain resolute. No matter how much every part of me is screaming to return home to Naruto, no matter how much I want to just crawl back into the cozy bed and let him warm me up, my will is set. This is for Naruto, this is for all the frowns and scowls and taunts and tears. This is for all the joy and laughter and dances in the rain and singing on the rainbows. Nodding, I step off the ledge, feel myself fall, and I wonder again, and I hate it. I hate the thought that always pops into my head at the wrong times, the thought that saps all my strength and leaves me again as that frightened child who ran from the blood that was his parents and the fear that was his brother. I wonder if maybe I should just keep falling. From this height, a fall would be fatal. And I would never have to endure this agony of tearing my soul from my body again. NO, I tell myself. I will do this, and then there will be no more torment. My insides steeled once more, my wings sprout and I am soaring high above beautiful Konoha, into the icy night sky.

I fly to the Valley of the End, where Orochimaru and his Sound ninja wait. I fly to the Valley of the End, where Akatsuki and my brother wait. I fly to the Valley of the End, where the end of my journey waits. And after this, after tonight, there will be no more flying, no more walking, no more running. There will only be stillness, and silence. And the cold, harsh, reality of the ending.

Somewhere I think I hear the soft footfall of a cat, hear a soft lament of feline cries. My kin, they cry for me. I wish I could tell them to cry for Naruto instead. When morning comes, his heart will be broken again, but his new life will begin. Unbidden, his name forms on my lips, as though somehow by whispering it this nightmare of truth will be broken. But no escape comes, and I must face down our demons alone. I am the Avenger after all.

The battle lasted till dawn, and when the first rays of a golden sun peak through the canyon, there is naught but blood and finality in the valley. The stench of death hangs heavy, the sound of blood and broken dreams blankets everything. I can't move, I've damaged myself past bearing. It's alright. I expected to die anyway. That's why I left the note behind, and the tiny box on the dresser. When the drugs wear off, when Naruto and the rest of the Konoha ninja wake, I will be nothing but a mangled corpse, another dish on this high table in the banquet for crows.

Now, when I am lying here, I wonder at time. Because most of my life I was dead, a zombie, a machine of vengeance. Then a golden haired fox came yelling into my life, and things were never quite the same after that. So I have had nine lives, and now all nine are ending. The first life, with my family. Before the madness, before the fear, before the stale thoughts of revenge. When the first life ended and the second began, I'm not sure. Maybe it was when Itachi started to change, maybe it was when my family was killed. I cannot be certain, but all I know is that my second life started with blood-red eyes and a face that was mine if I was more haggard. My third life was full of color and sound, with garishly toned team-mates and a silver haired teacher. Shouts, screams, whispers, banter….my third life was a time of innocence and joy and everything a child should have. Even if that child is being trained to hunt and kill.

My fourth life, the beginning of which came with a bite to my neck. And then the happiness of my carefree third life was drained, sucked away by the vampire Orochimaru. I became a carrier of the cursed seal, and the virus of darkness spread quickly throughout my body. My fifth life was quick on the heels of the fourth, when I followed the Sound ninja and got my second level of the curse seal. And then it all got jumbled up. I remember a huge flux of power, wings emerging. If I was a picture, then the negative became reality. Darkness coated my skin, my hair turned white. An ending, a friend, a decision. And then my sixth life, when I walked away from everything I had ever known and joined Orochimaru.

Seventh, when that damned blonde came to get me back. At first, when I returned, I was brooding, I was angsty. I hid from the world, kept to myself, too consumed with thoughts of revenge. I had been steeped in darkness too long, I had forgotten what fresh air tasted like.

And then the eighth life came, with the splash of cold water to my face and the sound of a slap echoing in the air. A blonde with earnest blue eyes and a too-bright orange jacket, who was also equipped with really loud pipes. My hiding space was broken down, he literally destroyed my basement, yanking me out of my well of misery and dragging me into his world of light and laughter. And slowly old values resurfaced, and bad habits perished silent deaths. I learned to smile again, as in truly smile with joy, not with blood lust. I learned to sleep with my back to a person, I learned to leave my weapon in my room when going to the kitchen for a glass of water. Hell, I learned to drink water again, instead of some concoction of blood and drugs and power and sin. And slowly, I became human again. The avenger faded into the background, left for sleepless nights and rainy days. I became a friend, a student, a son, a brother, a lover. I had never felt like that before, like I was swimming in life and floating on a cloud of reality.

All good things must end. And the ninth life started with the arrival of a messenger, heralding the coming of all the things that left me barren and inhuman. With a heavy heart I watched as each day beckoned the reckoning closer. The laughter became strained, the voices were hushed. Everywhere I went, people were tiptoeing around me like the slightest thing would set me off and make me a stone cold killer again. Perhaps they were right to believe so. Slowly I started my descent into neverland, and immersed myself in anything and everything that would grant me more power, give me more chances of killing Itachi. Naruto could only stand by and watch, but to his credit he never once tried to stop me, he never once complained. Instead he kept a brave front and helped me train, and his resolute expression never faltered, not even when I refused to sleep with him, when I took to carrying my weapons with me everywhere I went, when I would not sleep with my back to anything but the wall. I guess maybe he knew that I needed him to be strong for all of us. Though I am by no means weak, it has always been Naruto who was the toughest one out of the entire village, the pillar of strength for everyone who has met him. And I think he knew that, he knew the responsibility he had, the burden he had to bear for all of us. But bravely he soldiered on, and so he fed my determination to be the best that I could be. And the chips were stacked, the cards were dealt, this was my final hand and we knew it.

Now here I am, on the brink of death. I have walked my path, I have come to the end of this road. The journey is over, the destination is clear. There is only one step left, and the blood leaving my battered body is forming that step for me, taking the last measure for me. Soon I will cease to be in this world, when I lose the ability to live. Naruto…I pray you keep me alive in your heart. I don't want to be forgotten. I want to be remembered. At least then I'll know my life was worth something, that I actually DID do enough to be acknowledged. I just want what we shared to be as real to you as it was to me.

I see Reaper standing next to me, waiting to guide me to the other side. They will pass a judgement on me, they will confirm what I already know. I am going to hell. After a lifetime of sin and torment on this earth, I will go to an eternity of suffering in desolate purgatory. Smiling to myself, I let my weak shell collapse completely, and I slowly melt away into the fabric of existence.

Naruto…

A/N: Well that was the first chapter. Hope you guys liked it. R & R please! Sasuke was pretty drama-queen-ish. Ah well. He WAS on his way to certain doom. Though like I said, this isn't a death fic. I think.