Meet the PYRO
"Okay, let's try not to make this any more difficult than it already it is Mister… I didn't quite catch that last part. What is your first name, again?"
The Director had set up an interview with the psychopathic arsonist labeled 'Pyro'. Unfortunately, it was during the midst of a fierce battle between the two mercenary contractors, RED and BLU. To put salt on the wound, it was set to be in the alleged haunted house, rumored to of been owned by none other than Redmond Mann, the founder of RED. The only room not being toured by live grenades and large storms of bullets was Redmond's private study, secluded and filled with the everlasting warmth of the fire.
Pyro, sitting in the large, obnoxiously comfy recliner, stared at the fire, answering nonchalantly. "Mmrf," he said, pausing for a second. "Mmrf mmmph."
Unable to decipher Pyro's confusing mumbles, the Director, perched on a stool next to the chair, groaned, dragging his palm down his face. Staring at the eyeholes in the gasmask, he complained as he waved his camera around. "For the love of God, we don't have much time as I've stated beforehand.. NUMEROUS TIMES, I add. Would you stop focusing on that damned fireplace, take off your gasmask, and proceed to be interviewed as your Administrator specified?"
As usual, the arson was too busy being mesmerized by the fire. To him, fire was unfairly stereotyped as being harmful, dangerous, and life-threatening. While it did indeed have those properties, he thought about it in a more gracious light; it provided light, warmth, and comfort. Plus, it was pretty much responsible for his six figure salary.
The angered director snapped his fingers furiously in front of Pyro's face. "You! Pay attention, you arson of a frea-"
His rant was cut short by a sudden, villainous howl. The screams of mercenaries filled the manor, along with even more gunshots and rocket launches than usual. The Director jumped out of his chair, knocking it down as he backed up hastily into a corner away from the door.
"T.. The hell was that?" He stammered, clenching his teeth nervously.
Surprisingly enough, Pyro slowly began to stand up. He grabbed a flamethrower made up of a propane tank, match, and gas pump handle off of the fireplace mantle and walked silently near the exit of the study.
"Where ar-Where are you GOING? Don't leave me here! We have an interview!"
"Hmprhlemph Mmrhlemph hormpmhn." He muttered, slipping out of the doorway and leaving the Director to fend for himself.
"Move it UP, you idiot! We ain't got all day!" The RED Scout yelled at his RED Engineer, hurriedly trying to move his sentry and dispenser out of the manor. The horrifically powerful Horseless Headless Horsemann, also known as Silas Mann, was running around near the center of the manor, a huge pit, slicing off the heads of REDs and BLUs alike.
Engineer grunted, carefully packing a Level 2 Automated Sentry Turret Gun into his team colored toolbox. "Listen, boy, I don't know if you've ever tried packing 300 pounds of machinery into a toolbox without messin' up any of the wires or Team Detector Hardware, but let me tell you somethin'—It isn't as easy as I make it out to be."
As Scout began to crouch down behind the toolbox, rapidly firing at both the BLU enemies and the demonic Horsemann, an all too familiar crackling sound sat behind the duo. The now-visible BLU Spy, flipped out the blade from his butterfly knife and stabbed it forwa—
"SPY!" The RED, all-American Soldier slammed the back of his shovel into the back of the Frenchie's head, instantly killing him. Kicking the lifeless body aside, he took a knee next to the two.
"I wouldn't count on making it out of this shack alive with THAT kind of poor hearing! Now, what are you maggots waiting for? We need to MOVE! Let's GO!" Soldier grunted, ripping a grenade off of his belt, tearing off the pin, and then hurling it into the sea of madness. Or, more specifically, the pit, where it went off and harmed no one. Way to play, Soldier.
Engie sighed, slamming the lid down on his toolbox. "Did I not just get done explaining to Scout that I can't possibl—"
Grabbing the toolbox containing the Level 3 Dispenser, the Soldier started to march out of the manor, barely dodging incoming rockets and sticky bombs by the skin of his teeth. Engie lifted up the other toolbox carefully, then sat it up on his shoulders. "Hey, Scout, grab the tele, would ya?"
While Engie and Soldier made a run for it, Scout clutched the handle on the side of the toolbox and attempted to drag it across the aging, wooden floor. With no avail, he gave up and started to follow the others. Turning around, he bumped into fear himself.
"WAGH!" The Horsemann cried, swiftly decapitating the Scattergun-wielding mercenary. Spotting the runaway Texan and soldier, he began to chase after them, Scout's body and head falling limply to the ground.
Pyro jogged through the corridors of the manor, not a single man in sight. Turning right down the hall, he came across the library. He paused before entering it, waiting for an ambushing Heavy to jump out from behind a bookshelf or for a blue dot to appear somewhere on the wall. After a brief few seconds, he walked in, focusing on the large observatory window.
From there, the battle was noted as seemingly finished, not a single alive mercenary in sight, only a body of a headless RED Scout and lifeless BLU Spy. At first, Pyro felt inclined to light some books on fire and enjoy the show. Instead, he simply pulled out his fire axe from its strap on his leg.
Turning to the side, axe in hand, he swiftly twisted back around and shattered the glass pane. Tossing the wooden axe to the side, he jumped through the hole, landing directly on the RED-owned Control Point C.
Cautiously, he walked on the single wooden plank connecting the control point to the rest of the manor. Attentively trying to not fall into the deep, dim pit below, he reached the main floor and started to jog out of the mansion, jumping over Scout's head and picking up a familiar toolbox before following the sounds of distant teammates
Outside the Manor, the Soldier and Engineer had managed to fall back to the previous control point. They were both on top of the roof of point B, having knocked down the ladder to keep a certain Horsemann down, the very one that was roaming the land near the BLU base, disposing of the ones who ran from the fight.
Engie started to unpack the sentry, banging it with his wrench. "What in the hell is taking that boy so long? That teleporter entrance is our way back to our base in Teufort. If we don't get it, we'll hafta' sit here or get our asses kicked by that monstrosity."
Soldier smiled, grabbing a cigarette that was strapped to his helm. After using what was left of his lighter to ignite one end of it, he tossed the lighter down off the building and propped it in his mouth. "On the bright side, did that hellish beast NOT indeed manage to kill every last BLU maggot in the entire manor? He almost beat my record!" He paused while a distant scream of a BLU Medic echoed through the area. "Wait, now he did."
"That's a mighty fine bright side, Solly, but the matter on hand is if that we don't get that tele, we ain't leaving any time soon," Engineer replied, adjusting his dispenser. After fixing his ammo supply meter, he noticed something walk out of the manor.
"Hey, look! It's Pyro!" The Texan said, gaining the attention of Soldier. "He's got the teleporter, too!"
"Mrf! Mrfnger mnd mrfder!" Pyro greeted, lugging the toolbox along.
Before Engineer had a chance to lift the ladder down, a loud crash was heard. The beast known as the Horseless Headless Horsemann had jumped down from the bridge that hung over the entryway from Point A to Point B, wielding his Haunted Headcutter. Charging towards the pyromaniac, he prepared to do a quick and swift slice to his head.
His efforts were cut short, though, by Soldier's empowering rocket. As it hurled the Horsemann back, Soldier launched a rocket down at his own feet, destroying the nearby sentry and sending him flying through the air to on top of the shed, ready to send a barrage of rockets his way.
"Dag nabit!" Yelled the Engineer, angrily shoving the pieces of the sentry off of the roof.
Pyro, however, was not afraid to fight back. Running forward, flamethrower first, he jumped in midair, outbursts of fire escaping from the flamethrower, igniting the ground beneath the Horsemann. The Horsemann was busy fending off the rocket man to notice this, and managed to successfully throw his axe like a boomerang at the Soldier above him, who dodged it the first time but missed when it came around, taking some skin off of his waist with it.
"AAGH!" Soldier yelped, stumbling backwards, dropping his rocket launcher. Pyro responded by retreating after the rocket launcher, but instead noticed a canister of gasoline near the fence. The Horsemann, noticing what Pyro was planning, took focus off of Soldier and chased after Pyro, who made a dive for the canister. He circled around the Horsemann, consistently dodging his steady supply of attacks from his Headcutter. The Arsonist quickly stacked several crates then climbed them, knocking them over in the process. Before the Horsemann could cut off Pyro's foot, he successfully managed to pull himself up on to the shed's roof.
The Soldier, crouched down low on the roof of the shed, grinned as he saw Pyro pull out his Detonator. "Ahh, nice thinking, Pyro! I couldn't have done it better myself. By the way, that should not be taking as a fact. In all likelihood, I probably could do better."
Pyro, ignoring Soldier's ramblings, steadily aimed his Detonator at the gasoline tank near the crossing from Control Point A to Control Point B. Suddenly, the Horsemann ran towards the canister and kicked it away towards the first point, then charged back towards the duo.
"Yeah. Probably could have done it better," Soldier continued.
Quick to respond, Pyro leaped down off of the shed roof, the Horsemann proceeding to chase after. Pyro, facing the Horsemann and running backwards, fired his flamethrower so that the Horsemann would run straight in to it.
Finally, Pyro spotted the tank inside the building near A. Flanking the Horsemann, he was able to burst inside the building, spontaneously grabbing the gas canister. Running up the stairs with the tank in hand, he threw it into the corner of the second floor. Jumping out the window, injuring his legs and laying on the ground, unable to move his legs, aimed his Detonator at the window.
The Horsemann stomped up the stairs, assuming that the Pyro was hiding near the opposite corner. Laughing mischievously as he walked through the room, he saw the gasoline canister. Hearing the muffled, yet weak laugh come from outside, he turned towards the window. A flare whizzed past him and, before hitting the wall, detonated.
"Solly!" Yelled Engineer, running towards the shed. "Where's Pyro and the Horsemann?"
Soldier, perched on top of the shed, stood straight with his arms crossed, a proud smile on his face. "Damn good fireworks."
Engineer ran past the shed and slowed down when he saw the huge fireball covering most of the perimeter. Coughing slightly from all the smoke, he quickly spotted Pyro's body still in front of the building. Jogging towards it, he kneeled down next to him, taking off his yellow construction hat and holding it over his chest.
"You saved us all, son.." Engineer muttered.
"Mrf," Pyro said, casually, sitting up a bit. "Mmhmmf mnd mder mrrrrrf?" he asked.
Engie smiled, putting his hat back on. "C'mon, son, let's get you out of here." He grabbed Pyro and dragged him across the ground, back to point B where Pyro stored the teleporter. Soldier climbed down from his place on the shed and joined them.
With a few whacks to the machinery, the exit teleporter was back up and running. The RED Scout's, Engie's, Pyro's, and Soldier's mission, to capture all the control points, kill the Horsemann, and return had came to an end. It was time to return home to Teufort.
THE END
Back in the private study, the Director had boarded up the door with the chair, stool, and bookcase. He sat in the middle of the room in the fetal position, rocking back and forth.
"I'm going crazy.. h-heh… These people aren't rea-real… ri-right? Heh…"