Title: Confessions and Forever
Author: Tara Kitaide
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. It belongs to that sexy hoe Tite Kubo. 8D
Pairing: Renji x Ichigo (one sided), slight Ichigo x Orihime
Rating: M
Warning:Boy love! Angst! Emo! And Character Death in Chapter two!
-/-/-/-
Renji didn't know how he could let it get this far. Have it escalate to such a level, it was impossible to turn back now. But he did know it wouldn't stop. No mater what. No mater how hard he tried.
Ichigo looked absolutely beautiful in his sleep, his normally scowling face softened, his spiked orange crown flattened slightly. It would be so easy to just reach out and touch him. To run his fingers through the boy's hair and maybe even kiss him. But he couldn't. Instead, Renji stood and watched Ichigo sleep.
The boy was so quiet and still, you'd think he was a corpse. It made Renji wonder whether he boy was really sleeping or not. But the few occasional groans and whispers that would escape the boy's lips told Renji otherwise.
Renji wasn't quite sure why he was here. He was just on patrol and before he knew it stood in front of the Kurosaki home. It was late and he knew Ichigo would be sleeping but he entered the boy's bedroom anyway.
Ichigo left his window open in case Renji had the urge to visit him as he was now. Ever sense that cold winter night (in which Renji spent the good part of an hour banging on Ichigo's window for entrance, rousing the irritated teen from his sleep) Ichigo kept his room accessible to the shinigami.
It made Renji happy, to know he was welcomed in Ichigo's home. It sent a trickle of warmth through him, knowing Ichigo considered him such a close friend.
It had been almost four years sense the night Renji had come with his capitan to steal Rukia away. It had been almost four years sense that cold night. Sense he'd left Ichigo to die in the rain. Sense he'd first laid eyes on the boy. Within' those four years, they had become close. So much in fact, they were almost like brothers.
Renji knew almost everything about Ichigo. His likes, dislikes, favorite food, his most embarrassing moments. He even knew about Ichigo's mother. He was shocked when the boy first came to him about his depression and told him all about that rainy day. He was shocked and rather confused, not sure as to why Ichigo would seek refuge in him of all people. But he listened and sympathized, letting Ichigo cry on his shoulder whenever need be. That was two years ago...
Then there was the war with Aizen.
So much death, so much bloodshed... it was painful to think of even now. It still haunted them. Especially Ichigo. The poor boy was only sixteen but thrown right in the middle of it all. It was only after it was all over, only after all the death and war and battles and tears did it finally sink in for the teenager. Only then did his eyes finally open up to the reality of it all.
Renji still remembered it like it was yesterday. Any veteran of a major war would of course have shell shock. It was expected so Renji wasn't so surprised when Ichigo came to him. But the boy was in a worse state then he thought. The tiniest things would set him off. Like the sight of another persons blood or singed food. Renji remembered that one well because he was never good with a stove, burning their dinner and sending Ichigo in to a fit of hysterics.
Ever sense then, Ichigo was never completely the same. He would still wake up from terrifying dreams crying. He would still get that distant, painful, sad look in his eyes. And he would still shudder when he heard the word "Espada" or "Arrancar". But he didn't rely so much on Renji anymore and that's what had to hurt the most.
Ichigo didn't cry to him anymore. He didn't depend on him as much. He didn't share his pain.
Knowing him, Renji figured the young man just didn't wish to bother Renji with such matters any longer. But he still missed it. He missed being able to comfort Ichigo. To be able to wipe away his tears. To be there for him and let him know everything would be okay. He had become his rock, his focus...
But now Ichigo had Orihime.
Renji couldn't deny he had been happy when the two had announced they were dating. It was bound to happen. The way Orihime would look at him... And the way Ichigo looked back... Renji knew they were perfect for each other. Two halves of a spear, two pieces to a puzzle. They needed each other.
And so Ichigo found a new rock, someone else's shoulder to cry on. Renji didn't like it but it was a tolerable situation. After all, Ichigo still talked to him and he was still as close as a brother. He just couldn't be there for Ichigo that way.
He just couldn't be with him in that sense.
Renji reached out and touched the boy's hair softly, the tips of his fingers brushing lightly against his temples as he sank to his knees slowly beside the bed, his eyes never leaving the pail beautiful skin of the boy's face. The moonlight filtered in through the window, casting an almost angelic glow over Ichigo that could take Renji's breath away. It would be so easy... so easy to just lean down and kiss him...
He searched in the dark until his hand found Ichigo's. He squeezed it lightly, running his thumb over the young man's knuckles softly.
He was glad Ichigo was here. For the past few nights Ichigo had stayed the night at Orihime's so Renji hadn't seen him but he was here now. It was late so he didn't have to worry about anyone (mainly Orihime) coming over to see the strawberry. Now he could say it. He didn't care if Ichigo was asleep. He needed to say it...
Ichigo looked positively radiant at that moment. That was the single thought that ran through his mind as he reached out and stroked Ichigo's hair again.
The young man's face was free of all stress. No scowl, no frown... only Ichigo... Ichigo with his rude comments and snappy come backs. Ichigo with his soft painful eyes. Ichigo with his kind smile and caring heart. Ichigo with his perfect lips parted ever so slightly...
Renji felt his heart race. His grip on Ichigo's hand tightened as he let out a breathy sigh.
'You could, you know. You could and no one would know.'
Renji nodded slightly at the nue in his soul, egging him on. I know... But what if he wakes up?
'He won't Renji. Just go for it. It's storming like fuckin' crazy in here...'
Renji sighed again and nodded. I'm sorry...
He breathed in and out slowly many a time. He just couldn't seem to calm the rapid beating of his heart. It was so loud in his ears he was afraid it would wake Ichigo. And if he found Renji like this, hovering oh-so close to his friend's face, his hand holding his tightly, it would be all over...
"Ichigo..."
Renji tried to control his breathing. It was extremely hard and for a moment he forgot how to breath. Ichigo's breath was ghosting across his skin so sweetly it was intoxicating. He couldn't take it. He needed so badly to be closer.
But luck was just not on his side...
-/-/-/-
Ichigo couldn't believe this was happening.
When he had heard Renji come in, he thought nothing of it. He was sure he just needed a place to crash and relax. Urahara was pron to kicking him out so he thought nothing out of the ordinary.
But when Renji had stopped moving to just look at him; that's when he began to feel something was out of place.
He decided to keep quiet and continue to fake sleep. He was curious among other things as to what was going to happen. After all, Renji was acting so strange lately.
He would look off in the distance and seem so incredibly lost. Like he was longing, waiting for something. He always had this sort of profound sadness to him that made Ichigo worry. But he wouldn't ask him about it. He knew better.
Instead he gave Renji his space. He knew whatever it was, he'd work it out. Renji always did. So he confided in Orihime now. Finally telling her what he'd been meaning to for years now. He shouldn't burden Renji with his troubles when the older man was battling his own demons.
When Renji touched his face he had to keep himself from gasping. He could feel Renji's hand worm around his and hear a dull thump as his friend sank to his knees.
But why? How was this happening? Why was this happening?
Ichigo didn't know what to think of Renji's strange behavior. He could only lay still, control his breathing and wait. Wait for what he felt Renji was planing. Wait for Renji to kiss him.
But should he let him? He didn't want him to. He always considered Renji a close friend. It would be far to weird! He knew Renji hated pity too. He had to confront Renji about this. He couldn't let this happen and know his friend was hurting but do nothing about it. He couldn't watch the sadness in his friend knowing he was the reason.
He had to stop Renji before this got too far. He had to "wake up" and confront him. No mater how much he knew he didn't want to. No mater how he knew Renji would panic and try to run. He had to. He couldn't let his friend, his brother, tear himself apart like this.
Renji's hand tightened around his and he felt Renji move closer.
"Ichigo..."
The way Renji whispered his name... in such a painful, broken voice. Ichigo had to stop it. He had to.
He felt Renji move closer again and could feel his breath. He moved his free hand lightly and got ready to stop Renji. He waited for the moment Renji's lips would briefly touch his to reach out and stop him.
He waited...
And waited...
And waited...
But it never came.
Ichigo cracked his eyes open ever so slightly and peeked up at Renji. Just then, his breath hitched as he saw why Renji had stopped himself. He stopped as warm tears fell on his cheek and rolled slowly down onto the pillow...
-/-/-/-
Renji didn't know why he was crying but he just couldn't help it. He wanted to kiss Ichigo, he wanted to feel those beautiful lips on his, but he couldn't. He just couldn't.
"I'm so fuckin' pathetic..." He whispered painfully to himself. "I'm just no good... Here I am like this and I just can't stop crying..."
He opened his eyes that had clenched shut in his pain and Ichigo quickly shut his. Renji didn't catch it and still believed Ichigo to be sleeping; the young man continued to listen to his friend's agonizing confession.
Renji backed his face away slowly but he continued to hold Ichigo's hand. He wiped away some of his tears to look at Ichigo and tried to smile. He knew (or so he thought) Ichigo was sleeping and couldn't see his smile but did anyway out of habit.
He would smile when he was in pain to hide it from those around him. Over the years, he'd learned how to mask pain behind humor and smiles.
"Ichigo..." He sighed, stroking the boy's face. "I'm sorry about all of this... but I've been meaning to say this for awhile..."
He paused and his smile faded as he stroked Ichigo's hand once again. "I know you're with Orihime and all but... Ichigo..." He moved his other hand to Ichigo's.
"I love you, Ichigo... I know it's so wrong and weird but I do... And I'm sorry..."
Renji couldn't help the on rush of tears that came next. Every sob that escaped him shook his body and made him convulse in such a violent manner he could barely breath.
Ichigo felt his heart stop. Renji was crying and shaking with incredible pain and sadness but he could still do nothing to ease it. Waking up would only make everything so much worse. Renji would feel absolutely terrible and honestly there was nothing Ichigo could say that would make his dear friend feel better.
There was nothing he could do...
Renji's sobs began to quiet down and Ichigo thought he might have fallen asleep like that. He opened his eyes because Renji's was shut and turned his head very slightly to look at him. Renji was still sobbing but lightly and held Ichigo's hand close to his heart where he could feel it beat slowly now.
He lifted his hand to move Renji so he could at least set out the futon for him, but when he did, Renji spoke again, startling him.
"Oh god..."
Ichigo stopped and continued to feign sleep.
"Oh god... If you're really out there..." Renji whispered almost so lightly Ichigo could barely hear. "Please... Please answer my prayer..."
Ichigo closed his eyes and listened. He's praying...?
"I know I'm not one to talk like this often... and I know I'm undeserving of this but..." Renji sobbed. "I wish to stay by Ichigo's side forever... I don't care if he doesn't love me... I don't care if him and Orihime run off and have a family, get married, whatever... I don't care... I just want to be by his side forever... I want to be there for him for the rest of my life... so please let me... I promise I wont ever try something like this ever again... just please don't take him away from me... I need him so bad..."
Then Renji began to sob heavily again, resting his head on the bed and hold Ichigo's hand with one hand now as his other draped over the boy's chest in an embrace of sorts.
Ichigo felt tears come to his eyes and didn't fight them. He breathed evenly and continued to pretend but let the tears slide down his cheeks.
He just didn't completely understand it... Renji was begging to stay with his forever. How could he really mean that much to the man? How could Renji love him so strongly and unconditionally like that? He had never known his friend was hurting so horribly. He had never known how he was killing him everyday with his smiles and talk and... and when Ichigo would confide in him... He felt bad now for all those nights he'd spent crying to his friend. It must have killed Renji to see Ichigo's pain and only be able to go as far as an embrace and kind words. The longing that chewed at Renji's heart must be so unbearable...
Renji eventually stilled, obviously having cried himself to sleep. Ichigo, in that moment, sat up, his hand still in Renji's grasp, and looked down at his poor friend. Renji's arm was still around him, just now across his legs sense he had sat up and it had fell.
He reached out and put his hand on Renji's head, snapping out the dark hair band and untying the white headband from around the man's head. He placed both the headband and hair tie on his bedside table and got up slowly, picking up Renji and helping him into bed. He lifted the man up lightly and placed him under the sheets.
It wouldn't hurt to let him sleep here tonight, in Ichigo's bed. He could sleep on the futon and in the morning...
Ichigo wasn't sure what he was going to do in the morning. But as he looked at Renji's broken, sleeping form, he resolved to keep this a secret. To never allow Renji to know he knew. If Renji wanted to stay by his side forever, then so be it. Who was he to deny him such a simple wish when he'd already hurt him so terribly?
"I'm so sorry, Renji..." Ichigo whispered, pulling the covers up around the redhead. "I'm really sorry... I never had any Idea you were hurting so bad... I'm so sorry..."
And with that, Ichigo leaned down and embraced his friend, kissing him lightly on the head in apology. Then he got up, dried his tears, and set out the futon where he got little sleep the rest of the night.
-/-/-/-
When morning came, Ichigo was the first to awaken.
He sat up groggily, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and put a hand to his head. He felt terrible for his back hurt, not use to sleeping on the hard floor, and the weight in his heart still remained.
Immediately he turned to Renji. He was slightly relieved to see his friend still sleeping but it was only delaying the inevitable. He knew he would have to come up with something to tell Renji. Maybe the shinigami wouldn't remember and he'd be let off the hook...?
No.
Renji would remember. Who wouldn't?
Ichigo sighed and scratched the back of his head. He cosed his eyes and began to go into deep thought when Renji's sleepy voice snapped him back.
"Ichigo...?"
Ichigo looked up at Renji and his eyes widened slightly. "Oh... Renji..." He said, trying to play it off. "Good morning. Did you sleep well?"
Renji blinked at him, slightly confused. "Kindda..." He muttered. "What's up? Why am I sleeping up here while you're there...? Last night... I thought..."
"You were pissed drunk and fought with me about sleeping on the soft comfy bed so I just let ya." Ichigo lied, smiling slightly. "You were such a jerk about it and so I took the floor." Ichigo patted the bed. "'Sides, you looked about to pass out any moment so I thought it was best to let you rest."
"Oh..." Renji looked at the floor and sighed. It was just a dream then... because of the alcohol... But gods, it felt so real... Renji looked down at his hands and felt the urge to cry. It felt so real...
"Well," Renji said, standing up. "I should probably be getting out of your hair then. Thanks for letting me spend the night, Ichigo. Sorry I was such a jerk." He smiled sheepishly and picked up his head band and hair tie from the bed side table.
Ichigo looked at the floor and sighed a bit. "You don't have to apologize for anything."
Renji thanked him and tied his hair up in it's normal spikes before tying on the headband. He smiled at Ichigo and stepped over the boy's legs, making his way towards the door. "I'll see you latter then. Huh?"
Renji stopped when Ichigo grabbed his hand, not suspecting much of a goodbye. He turned and looked down at him, the feeling of holding Ichigo's hand bringing back memories of his "dream".
"What is it, Ichigo?" Renji asked, his voice suddenly soft.
"Renji," Ichigo spoke, his gaze still on the floor. "If you were... in any sort of pain or trouble... you'd tell me, right? You'd tell me if anything was bothering you, wouldn't you?"
Then Ichigo looked up at Renji, a sadness and desperation on his face like none Renji had ever seen. It was strange, very strange, and tugged at Renji's heart painfully.
He worked past the lump in his throat and forced the best smile he could. He took his hand from Ichigo's grasp and turned towards the door again, his smile still plastered on. "Of course, Ichigo. You're my best friend. I can tell ya anything, right?"
Ichigo sighed after him and nodded. "Yeah." He muttered. "I'm always here if you need to talk about anything. You're like a brother to me Renji, you know I'd accept you no mater what."
Renji fully turned away from Ichigo for he couldn't hide the tears that threatened to spill over. He nodded and smiled again, his heart slowly ripping in two. "I know Ichigo but thanks. It's nice to be reminded."
Then Renji left as fast as he could. He didn't want Ichigo to see him so weak and pathetic although the young man had seen plenty a few hours prior. He didn't have anywhere to go so Renji walked to the park where he sat himself down beside the river and cried for the second time.
He didn't care if it was just a dream. Renji made a promise to himself and god to never try anything again. If he could do that then maybe, just maybe, he could really be by Ichigo's side forever. Not as a lover but as a friend. Someone he could confide in and have by his side the rest of his life.
That was enough. He could live with these feelings that way. And he would for the rest of his and Ichigo's life. Always by his side until the day he died.
A/N: Wow. It's 6:00 in the morning and I'm SO glad this is done! I'M SO TIRED!
There will be a second part. I'm not just gonna leave it at that. So if you want to read that then add this to your story alets and I'll get it done ASAP!
Thanks for reading!