Chapter 1. Who is there to hear me?
I can't stop screaming, wordless, endless and full of agony. My scream began when the first star lit the sky and will never end. The echoes fill my world and block out everything. Why can no one hear me?
- Excerpt from the journal of Kairi.
The squeak of the white-board pen on the board floated across the room, mingling with the muted boredom of the class. Near the front of the room, a tall graceful figure lounged across three chairs ignoring the teacher and filling the room with his low laugh. The teacher tried to silence him with a stern glance, but he only looked back arrogantly. He owned the classroom and everyone in it.
On the other side of the room, isolated from the murmurs and cocooned in her own chrysalis of silence, Kairi stared at the thick pad of paper in front of her. She tuned out the classroom noises and dropped the nib of her pen to the blank sheet of paper. The black pen drew delicate loops and flowing shapes across the paper, moving with a steady purpose and unwavering smoothness. Lost in the black on white, Kairi forgot who she was and where she was, entranced with the dancing of the pen.
Sora grinned at Riku and accidentally on purpose fell off his chair. The group around the two friends roared with laughter and pelted the giggling Sora with wadded up paper and pens. The missiles flew all over the room causing girls to scream and boys to curse, one pen even flying all the way over to where Kairi was sitting. The pen hit her hand hard enough to push it off course and a dark line scrawled over her lacework of pen lines.
Looking over at the boys sprawled on the chairs, Kairi caught Sora's eye and gave him a vicious glare. He looked taken aback for a second and then almost immediately nudged Riku and beckoned to him to follow. They both got up and strolled over towards Kairi, moving in an almost predatory way while she stared at them impassively.
Kairi stared at the two boys until they stopped next to her. She completely ignored Riku and instead focused her intense glare on Sora, trying to fathom his intentions. She leant forward to hide her drawing; there was no way that she wanted these two to see what she was sketching.
Sora ran his eyes slyly over Kairi's defiant face and to her discomfit drifted over every inch of her features. His gaze slid over her white-pale skin and lingered on the black swirls of makeup that curled around her eyes and cheeks. His stare roved over her full, black painted lips in a manner that made her skin crawl before focusing again on her eyes.
Breaking the tense silence, Kairi leant back in her chair and folded her arms. 'What.' She said it with no inflection or emphasis, giving the two boys no clue about how hard her heart was thumping or how faint she was starting to feel. 'What do you want?'
Riku glanced sideways at Sora, trying to figure out what his game was. He could tell that Kairi was uncomfortable, and even though he thought that she was totally weird, he didn't like to be specifically mean to her. Sora let a shark-like grin slide over his face and bent closer to Kairi.
Grinning down at Kairi, Sora inwardly laughed at her discomfort. He had seen around the campus a lot and had always wondered why she persisted with her crazy gothic look. Thinking about her full lips and smooth skin, Sora raised and eyebrow; without all her black camouflage, she would look halfway decent. He looked down at the paper she was trying to hide and almost burst out laughing. He grabbed the paper, ignoring her frantic attempts to get it back and waved it above his head.
A muffled snort burst from Sora's mouth as he displayed the drawing to the whole class. The rest of the class stared at the pattern uncomprehendingly for a brief second and then broke up with hysterical laughter. Covering the whole piece of refill was an intricate, gothic style heart surrounding Riku's name. Over the roar of laughter that echoed round the classroom Sora yelled, 'Our own little Goth-girl has fallen for Riku! The freak thinks she has a chance with the stud himself!'
As Riku blushed scarlet and averted his face he happened to catch a glimpse of Kairi, she was sitting in the chair hunched over her desk, covering her face with her hands. As he watched her, she lifted her head slightly and he saw the tears that streaked her cheeks. He glanced away feeling faintly dirty about his role in her humiliation, he had been in her class every year since they first started school, and he had never once seen her cry at anything.
Sora was oblivious to the quiet girl's distress and continued to hype the class into complete hysteria. Some of the girls were crying with laughter at the thought of Kairi 'the retard Goth chick' with Riku, one of the hottest guys in college and the guys were all wolf-whistling and hooting with mirth. Unnoticed by anyone except Riku, Kairi got up and walked stiffly out of the class.
The minute that she was into the corridor, out of earshot of her classmates, Kairi let go. All the pain and humiliation of her whole life overwhelmed her and she sank to the floor sobbing. She had known all along that she was an outcast to everyone and that she was never going to fit in, but to have Sora shove her face in everything wrong with her life had struck deep. After a few moments Kairi sucked in a deep breath and knuckled the tears from her eyes. Pulling herself slowly to her feet, Kairi walked unsteadily down the hallway and out of the school.
Inside the class, Riku lounged on the desk next to Sora who was still chuckling along with the rest of the class. Sora didn't seem to notice that his silver haired friend wasn't joining in the general hilarity but when he did glance over at Riku his eyes were sly and scheming. Riku didn't notice the strange look in his friends eyes and he hardly even noticed when the bell rung for the end of school. All he could think of was how he should have gone after her, how he should have done something to stop Sora crushing the weird yet strangely beautiful girl. Through his mind over and over again were the thoughts, 'Does she really like me? How hurt is she?' It surprised him how much he cared about what the teasing and taunting had done to this particular girl. He had never thought of his and Sora's victims as real people before, just targets.
Sora punched Riku in the arm jerking the silver haired boy out of his guilt and provoking a startled grin. Together they ran towards the door already raving about the next party they would appear at and how the weather had to clear soon. The tears of a shy, sad girl slipped from their minds without further thought, just a blur in another routine day at college. They didn't spare another minutes thought on the girl they destroyed.
88888
Kairi wandered aimlessly down the street in a daze. She didn't see the red-gold leaves that dressed the towering trees by the road or the birdsong that filled the sky, her head was filled with the screaming jeers and shrieking laughter of her so called peers. She didn't notice the sun beginning to sink she was so lost in her pain. Only when she could no longer see the footpath beneath her feet did Kairi look up and attempt to shake herself from the harsh screaming memories. She turned around and slowly started making her way towards her home.
The house was dark when Kairi let herself in, her parents were never home. She left the lights off and walked through the dim house like a zombie. Once she reached her room, Kairi roughly slammed a cd into her stereo and fell backwards onto her bed. The haunting lyrics of Evanescence eased softly into the air too quietly for the girl's liking and she savagely twisted the knob to full volume.
Long lost words whisper slowly to meStill can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow inside
I know that you're still there
Watching me, wanting me
Fearing you, loving you
I won't let you pull me down.
Kairi stared at the ceiling of her room letting the music wrap her mind in sound. She tried to stop her thoughts from wandering but as the lyrics registered in her consciousness the day began to drift back to her. She fought against the harsh realities of the day but the thoughts rolled over her like a dark unstoppable tide.
I know nobody likes me, she thought. I'm always alone, always listening to the whispers that float behind my back but disappear when I turn around. I can't do anything about the rumours and the hideous lies, I'm helpless against the world. Why does it have to be like this?
For the second time that day Kairi gave into the storm of emotions that had been building inside her. She threw herself back onto her bed and let out one scream of pure agony. The echoes of her scream died away slowly and Kairi felt her whole body drain of strength. Her hand slipped off the side of the bed and she let it trail along the rough carpet of her room. Then she felt a smooth glass surface and cold metal cap of a bottle.
88888
While Sora and Riku played playstation and laughed over their brilliant wit, Kairi sat staring at the full bottle of vodka. While Riku held his aching ribs at Sora's impressions of their hapless school victims, Kairi slowly unscrewed the lid and tipped the clear liquid into a glass. While Riku fell asleep on Sora's couch and Sora went to bed, Kairi lost herself, all her pain, all her memories in the numbing burn of the alcohol. Her mind blurred and her thoughts turned to her living hell. As if she were in a trance her hand moved to her bedside table and rested on the pocketknife that was calling her name.
88888