Meredith parked her car at the far end of the parking lot, but she didn't leave the car. She took heavy, but even breaths as if she tried to reassure herself that this was the right thing to do. In a quick moment of decisiveness, she took the ferry boat model from the passenger seat and left the car.
In typical Seattle fashion it was cloudy and windy, Meredith was certain it was going to rain at some point during the day. Meredith was used to the weather and for a long time in her life, the gloomy and rainy weather reflected the feelings inside of her. And once again those two were matching up.
She tightened her coat around her and walked boldly over the parking lot to the gate. She hesitated for a brief second, but then continued and walked into the grass field full of headstones. Meredith was on her way to talk to her late husband Derek Shepherd.
The last time Meredith was at this graveyard, was when they buried Derek, but that was years ago. Considering everybody she has lost over the time, she should be good at grieving, but this was different. For all the times before she had Derek, but this time – the hardest of them all – she didn't have Derek, she didn't have Cristina, she had her kids and sisters, one of which was Derek's. Even though it has been years since she was here last, she knew well, where Derek was resting and even without actually thinking, she reached Derek's gravestone. The same one she picked out with Amelia and Maggie, but it was mostly Maggie, because she and Amelia just wanted to get done as fast as possible.
She ran her fingers over the top of the marble plate and squatted. She traced his name, his date of death and the words "husband, father and sister" with her fingers.
"Hi," she said barely louder than a whisper.
Silence.
Surprising herself she let out a small laugh. "Of course you're not saying anything these days," she said to herself.
Meredith stood back up and wrapped her arms around herself, mainly to protect herself against the wind. She looked around her, but there wasn't a living soul around her.
"So, as you probably know, I'm not good at grieving, I get all dark and twisty and usually push people away, but you've been there, you'd remember," she said.
"My sister Maggie lost her mother recently and this is what she did, she came to her mother's grave and brought flowers and talked to her or did something. She did it every day for the first week. I did it my way. I'm a doctor, I don't believe in afterlife or souls or heaven or hell, I used to think that when brain stops functioning and heart beating, then this is it. And nothing follows. If that's the case, then I am a big moron for being here. I grieve you my way."
"After your funeral I packed a bag, took Zola and Bailey and then I was gone. I left for nearly a year. I wasn't planning on disappearing for so long, but I was a mess. I needed to be away from anything that reminded me of you. Like my mother started over at another place after losing the man she loved, I escaped the same. And then the cruelest twist of fate happened – I peed on a stick and it was positive, just like my mother was pregnant, when we left Seattle. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. And I couldn't come back 4 months pregnant either."
She laughed again.
"Your wish came true, but you were not here to see it. And I'm still angry at you for that. This is what you wanted, marriage, dream house and kids. We had it all, and now all I have left of that dream is 3 kids and your sister."
She smiled at the thought of Zola, Bailey and Ellis, no she would not trade them for anything in this world, they were her pride and joy.
"Bailey barely remembers you and Ellis never met you. I still talk about you to them and one day, when they are older, I will tell them everything about you. I make sure that Ellis knows how much you wanted her and how much this meant to you."
"Yeah, I named her after my mother. I felt like her after your death and in a weird way I understood her actions. I could've become her. I'd love to win Harper Avery award one day. But also I made my peace with my mother and I think that's why I named her Ellis. We didn't have baby names for girls, we never talked about them and I didn't have you there either."
A strong wind blew, and Meredith shivered, her face grew serious.
"But I still hate you. I hate you for making me want all this, for giving me all that and then dying. I am so mad at you, much worse than after Addison showed up or when you kissed Rose or anything else. I hate you so much, that I can't even put it into words," she said angrily, borderline yelling even.
"Richard told me to forgive you," she said angrily, but her voice started to tremble, and some tears were forming in her eyes. "Richard told me to forgive you over a year ago and trust me, I've been trying. I've been trying so hard, but I can't. I can't forgive you. I don't know if I ever can," she said seriously.
"I kept wishing that I had died in Elliot Bay or in the plain crash or any other time something terrible happened and I survived. That's how much I hate you. I wanted to inflict the same pain on you, that I am going through."
She remembered the small ferry boat toy she was holding and moved it, so she was looking at the toy.
"I hate ferry boats. I hate everything I once loved, because it now reminds me of you and I hate you. The last time I heard your voice, was when you called me on the day you died from a ferry boat. You were so happy and look what happened," she said angrily.
Meredith squatted down and placed the ferry boat in front of his gravestone.
"I saw Maggie bring flowers to her mother and that made me realize that I don't even know your favorite flower. I don't know if you even have one. We were together for so long, we were married and had kids together, but I don't even know your favorite flower. You realize how frustrating this is? We never talked about those simple things. I wanna know what your favorite flower is. Do you realize how frustrating this is? You're dead, so I can't ask you. I can't ask Mark, because he is dead too. I can't talk to Amelia about you, because I don't know how she's gonna take it. I can't call your mother up after not contacting her for years. I could call Addison, but that would be an awkward call to make. In conclusion, I don't have anyone to ask these things, because we never talked about it," she continued.
"So I bought you a ferry boat, I know you liked them," she said calmly.
"For the record I like lilies," she whispered.
Meredith took a moment to contain herself. She turned her head away and wiped the lone tear from her cheek. Even in death, she didn't want to cry in front of him.
"When I pulled the plug in the hospital, all the time I was in the room and I waited for you to take your last breath, I cried. I didn't cry at your funeral, I didn't cry when I took our kids and travelled to the other side of the country. I didn't cry, because I couldn't. The kids needed a mother and I had to be their mother, not a grieving widow."
She paused again.
"I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly. And I wanted to have you hovering. I wanted you there even though I knew, that I'd try to push you away. I wanted you to hold me and make me feel safe, so I could cry. I wanted you to hug me better. I wanted to feel your million-dollar hands around me, resting on my back. I wanted to feel you kiss my hair so subtly. I wanted McDreamy from the supply closet, I wanted the guy, who promised to always show up," she spoke gently, while tears started to fall freely without her noticing.
"I want the guy, who was my by side, comforting me, rubbing my back and holding my hand, while I was in labor with Bailey. I want the guy I was yelling at and the guy I promised to never sleep with again," she chuckled again at the memory. Yes, she was not the nicest wife to Derek in the delivery room, but she was in labor. "I want the guy, who was beside me, when I was in worst physical pain of my life. I want the same McDreamy to take away this pain I've been in for years."
Meredith wiped her tears and sighed.
"But that guy is not coming back. And I have to move on," she said heavily.
Meredith looked at the date on his gravestone – it had been 3 years.
"And I have moved on."
"You are no longer the last man I have slept with," she whispered. "But I don't think you wanna hear about that, I know I wouldn't."
Meredith took a longer pause this time. She didn't know what to say and she was still considering this to be a total waste of time. She wasn't feeling any better now.
"I'm thinking about seeing someone, his name is Nathan and he's a surgeon. I think you'd like him. But I would not even think about him, if you were still here," she explained. "I think I can love again someday, I could go on dates, have sex and maybe even move in with someone new. Of course, I have to think about our kids, my life is much more complicated than it was before I met you."
"I am saying that I am trying to move on. So if there is an afterlife or whatever and you're looking down on us, then you wouldn't be surprised to find me with someone else," she said with a wince.
"Just please don't peek into the bedroom," she whispered. "I wouldn't want you to see that and that would make me extremely uncomfortable."
She took a step forward, squatted down and traced his name with her fingers again.
"I just want you to know, that I might love again, but it will not be the way I loved you. You are the great love of my life and you'll always be that. You are the father of my children and the love of my life. No one will ever replace you and I will always love you."
"But you are dead and I am alive. And I still hate you for it," Meredith finished.
She trailed his name and his date of birth.
"I love you so much and I don't think I will ever stop loving you."
Meredith stood up and nodded to herself, she was ready to leave. Just when she took a step away, she turned around once more.
"I will try to forgive you for dying and maybe one day I will forgive myself for hating you."
Now she was done. She turned away and the cold wind was suddenly obvious again. She felt the first raindrops landing on her cheeks and she cursed loudly. She walked back to her car much faster than she had before. Meredith cursed once more, when she realized that she parked her car at the furthest end, even though there were only few other cars beside hers.
"Damn Maggie and her healthy life with this stupid grieving method," she cursed and turned the car on. The heating from the car felt nice, she didn't realize before how cold it was outside.
"I don't get it, do I feel better? No, I don't, I still feel the same. I still hate Derek. Next time I'll stick to my own thing. I'll go dark and twisty and then I come back," she rambled to herself.
"Stupid Maggie, taking flowers to the grave. It's stupid."
She came to a stop at a red light.
"If Derek had seen that, he'd laugh me out. If I would tell him, that this is how I grieve, he'd have a laugh of his life. I am not like Maggie with her perfectly happy life until her late twenties. And now her mother died of cancer and now her life is falling apart," she rambled until signaling cars let her know the light had turned green.
"I am dark and twisty and proud of it. I do things my way and they work just perfectly for me. I have seen enough terrible things to know how to handle them," she finished her thought.
She stayed quiet the rest of the way to her house and parked her car in her usual spot just like it was just another day.
The lights were on, when Meredith entered the living room, she found Amelia there watching over her kids, who were playing in the living room.
"Where have you been?" Amelia asked her the moment she entered the house.
The kids ran to her the moment they realized their mother was home. All of them talked about their day and Meredith hugged and kissed her kids. Oh, they looked so much like Derek, more and more with every day.
She was exhausted, when she finally sat down on the sofa by Amelia's side.
"Where's Maggie?" Meredith asked.
"Still at the hospital. Where have you been?" Amelia asked again.
"I went to see Derek," Meredith spoke quietly.
"What?" Amelia asked loudly, her eyes grew wide and she was genuinely surprised. Her loud question got Zola's attention, but Meredith just smiled at her daughter. "What?" Amelia asked again, quieter this time.
"You know the thing Maggie does, I tried that," Meredith said.
"You took flowers and sat by Derek's gravestone?" Amelia clarified, still surprised.
"And talked to him," Meredith added.
Amelia stayed quiet for a moment, she studied her sister-in-law to make sure that she is not messing with her, but that was not Meredith's style.
"Are you okay?" Amelia asked seriously.
Meredith nodded and offered a small smile.
"So, what do you get out of that?" Amelia asked.
Meredith shook her head. "Cold, if I'm lucky," she replied with sarcasm.
"So, nothing?" Amelia asked.
"Absolutely nothing. It was a stupid thing to do, I don't know why people do this," Meredith said. "But I realized how much more effective our usual method is," she added.
"See, I told you we are more alike than you think," Amelia said.
Meredith nodded.
"We are the screwed up sisters, Maggie is the happy one," Meredith said. "You're Cristina and she is Izzie," Meredith joked.
"Who's Izzie?" Amelia asked.
"Alex's first wife. She was one intern from my year. She was blonde and bubbly, liked to clean and bake," Meredith explained.
"What happened to her?"
"She got cancer and then she was fired and after that she left. She sent the divorce papers in few months and that was the last time I heard of her," Meredith said.
Amelia made a face.
"Why did you decide to go to Derek's grave again?" Amelia asked.
Meredith studied Amelia and decided to share. "There's a guy," she said in whisper.
Amelia's face lit up.
"I've been pushing him away, because this can't happen. And then I started to develop some feelings and I feel so guilty. I felt like I was cheating on Derek. I thought maybe this thing Maggie does helps me, but it was just a waste of time," Meredith said.
"A big step," Amelia said. "Derek wouldn't want you to be alone, he'd want you to love again. He was a big believer of true love, soulmates and all that crap. He would want you to move on. I know he really loved you and I also know that he'd hate himself for leaving you alone with 3 kids. He'd want you to have someone to share it all, as he is no longer around," Amelia said seriously. "And he'd want someone to give you orgasms," she added in a quiet whisper.
Meredith gave her a look.
"I still hate him for dying. I am so angry at him," Meredith said through her teeth. "But I will also never love somebody like I loved your brother," she said softly.
"I'm no longer angry at him, but I haven't forgiven him yet," Amelia expressed her emotions.
Meredith looked at her kids for a long time.
"I know you're angry at me for not calling you at the hospital," Meredith started. Amelia wanted to interrupt, but Meredith stopped her. "He looked just like he was sleeping. But he was broken, he had cuts and bruises, he had bandage around his head from some stupid surgeon's work. I saw his chart. There was absolutely nothing you could've done. I am not a neurosurgeon, but I studied with one of the best and I knew there was nothing to do," she said seriously in quiet whisper.
Amelia looked like she was going to cry, but she kept herself back.
"The hospital was barely a hospital. The surgeons there, they were barely capable. The doctor, who was in charge of giving me the paperwork, making the decisions, he was dumber than a resident and showed less compassion than my mother. I had to explain to him, that I know exactly what's happening now. I wanted to strangle that guy and everybody else, who I met there," she continued.
"My kids were outside in the hallway with social worker, while I was in the room with him. He looked peaceful, just like he was sleeping. Most of his injuries were underneath his gown, so I didn't see them. I didn't want to either. He was still warm."
Meredith took a break, her own eyes were tearing up.
"It's okay. You go. We'll be fine," she repeated the words she said to Derek. "Those were the last words I said to him, just before he took his final breath," she said quietly.
Meredith took Amelia's hand in hers.
"There was nothing anyone could have done. And I already had image of Derek like that in my head. I couldn't erase it. Yes, I got to say my goodbye, but I also got to see him like that in that stupid hospital. I didn't want you to see him like that. Derek said to me once long time ago, when we were still dating, that he has four sisters and if he was in a coma, he'd want them there. He wasn't in a coma, he was braindead. Derek was already gone. You are his baby sister and I know he tried to shield you from everything that's bad. I didn't think he'd want you to see him like that. I couldn't kiss him, because I didn't want that to be our last kiss. And I don't want my last memory of him being in the hospital. I tried to protect you like he would've wanted. Maybe it was wrong, but I stand by my decision," she explained.
Amelia leaped forward and hugged Meredith.
"I threw up right after," Meredith said.
"You were pregnant," Amelia said to her ear.
"I didn't know at the time. We discussed having another baby just the night before," she said. "Zola and Bailey were so innocent, they were playing drawing with the social worker. A day before daddy was coming back home and that day daddy was dead. Telling my kids about Derek's death might have been the hardest thing I ever had to do."
"I don't hate you. I was so mad at you, but I was even more angry at Derek. You were the most important person to my brother, so I was angry at you as the closest to him. I mean you pulled the plug, you made the call. Every man I have ever loved is dead," Amelia sobbed.
Meredith was grateful that kids were just far enough in their oblivious state, that they didn't notice the conversation happening on the couch.
"The only man I have loved is dead," Meredith replied.
"I remember telling you how you've never cried over the body of the person you love most in this world. How you don't know how this messes a person up. It was a few weeks before. All the time you were gone, this was the one thing I kept coming back to. Few weeks later Derek was gone and then you were gone and the kids were gone and I was alone in the dream house. That's when I hated you the most," Amelia said honestly.
"I couldn't be here. All I wanted to do was get away and get drunk. Obviously, all I could do was get away," Meredith said.
Amelia tried her tears and pulled away from Meredith.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"You know in Dillard, they kept calling me Mrs. Shepherd. Derek knew how much I disliked that title. It seems a bit ironic now," Meredith mused.
"Yeah, why didn't you take his name?" Amelia asked.
Meredith shrugged her shoulders. "Never came up. He never asked and we never talked about it, if he wanted me to change my name, he never told me that. I guess I wanted to be known for more than being Derek Shepherd's wife," she said easily.
"Yeah, you already were Ellis Grey's daughter," Amelia helped.
Meredith rolled her eyes.
"And now you have kids, named after you and Derek. That is gonna be one hell of a legacy to follow," Amelia continued on lighter tone.
"Maybe they don't want to become surgeons," Meredith said.
Both women laughed – it was unlikely, but both women would be supportive of the choices their kids make.
They heard the kids first, all three of them were rushing towards the two adults and jumped into them.
"Who are you running from?" Amy asked jokingly.
"We didn't run away from anyone, we ran to you," Zola explained, her head was on Meredith's lap and legs all over Amelia. Bailey was in Meredith's lap and Ellis in Amelia's.
"But why'd you run to us?" Meredith asked.
"Movie," Bailey said and pointed at the TV. Some cartoon was indeed playing in the background.
Amelia and Meredith shared a look and then turned their eyes to the screen. No, she will not forget Derek, not when she has living reminders of him sitting on her lap with their eyes glued to the screen. She will not forget his piercing blue eyes, because she sees them in Bailey. And no, she will never love another man like she loved Derek, but she one day she might love again. And that someday might be real soon, and the guy might be Nathan Riggs.
And if I should ever fall in love again
With someone new
Oh, it could never be the way
No, it will never be the way
I loved you
Selena Gomez – The Way I Loved You