Ozpin strikes again

by Th 1998

On a quiet night in Haven Ozpin notices Jaune sitting outside alone. Coming to the conclusion that he is lonely and in need of romantic advice he gladly volunteers himself, what could possibly go wrong?

It is time for our beloved headmaster to return. Will he be as bad as he was to Salem? Of course not. I think we all know that the good Professor still has to pull out his A game. Without further ado let us watch as Ozpin strikes again.

Edit: Now with 300% more text between dialogue lines.

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Jaune had been sitting alone and enjoying the sinking sun, when he was suddenly approached by Oscar.

''Hey there Oscar.''

But 'Oscar' just chuckled.

''I am afraid that it's me mister Arc.''

''Ozpin? Do you need me for something?''

''Not really, I just couldn't help but notice that you seemed kind of lonely.''

Ah, the headmaster was worried, how thoughtful of him.

''Well, I guess that is how it seems but don't worry about me. There is nothing wrong, well, nothing more than always.''

''Which is why I have gracefully decided to help you stop being lonely. You and me mister Arc, we will make sure that the ladies won't be able to resist you.''

''... Excuse me?''

''Now, now, now, no false shyness. Who do you have your eyes on? Miss Rose, Miss Xia Long or maybe still miss Schnee?''

Okay, he really needed to set things clear.

''But I have already-''

''So you are not sure. I must say that pinning for all of them is quite ambitious but that are young people for you.''

''I am really not-''

''No need to feel ashamed, the heart wants what the heart wants.''

''Are you even listening to me?''

Upon his question, Jaune could see Ozpins face morph into the fakest scandalized expression he had ever seen, and he had grown up with 7 sisters.

''I am deeply insulted by your question mister Arc. Do you truly think I would be such a bad teacher that I would not even listen to my students?''

But Jaune just raised an eyebrow.

''Considering you launched us down a cliff without warning? Yes, yes I do.''

''It did help you meet miss Nikos, you should be happy.''

Did he really have to bring her up again?

''I still haven't forgiven you for her death.''

''Okay, now that really is not my fault at all. You will find that I am a very huge supporter of a life to fight another day mentality. How was I to know that she had the mentality of a depressed Lemming instead? But oh well, we cannot change what happened, the past is gone like ashes in the wind.''

Would anyone really care if Ozpin disappeared?

''... I am starting to think that you want me to stab you.''

But Ozpin just waved him off.

''Anyways, back to the topic at hand, your ambitions for those three young women.''

''I believe I already said that I do not w-''

''Ah, just imagine it. It's like a fairy tale, the beautiful prince, the brave knight and the upbeat hero.''

But weren't that just three persons?

''Wait, who is who?''

''Well, Miss Schnee is the prince, Miss Rose the hero and miss Xia Long the knight of course.''

Did Ozpin forget about him?

''If I am neither the hero nor the knight then who am I?''

''Why, the pure maiden of course.''

''I don't think that I like your metaphor very much.''

If Ozpin cared he did not show it.

''Now the question is just how to win their affection.''

''Why can't it only be only one at least, my dad always said that there is no point in having more than one women anyway because it's more trouble than it's worth.''

''Well, did he have more than one women?''

''I mean, no but-''

''Then he obviously does not know what he is talking about. Good thing though, I dread how many Arcs would run around if that were the case. If I didn't know better I'd say that you had a rabbit faunus somewhere in your family line.''

''Well, that wasn't racist at all.''

Not necessarily wrong tough.

''But now we really must start planning your approach.''

''Why would you even think that I have a chance with them?''

''Demand and supply.''

''... What?''

''It is easy really. We live in very hard times and even more, we are fighting a war. Such times lead people to desire someone they can share their lives with to help overcome it. And here is where you come in, you are the only one those girls have available. Mister Ren obviously has eyes only for miss Valkyrie and let's be honest, his personality while intriguing is not necessarily what many would search for in a relationship.''

''Well, I personally think that his personality is perfectly good as it is.''

''Then miss Valkyrie can be very happy that you are not a female.''

''That is not what I... nevermind, you aren't going to listen anyways are you?''

He could swear that he saw the smallest hint of a mocking smile on Ozpins face.

''And aside from mister Ren there would be Qrow, who is out for obvious reasons, and Oscar, who really is just a much worse you.''

''... Can't he hear you?''

''Yes, just as I can hear him cry and let me tell you, it's annoying.''

Okay, that didn't sound concerning at all.

''What do you mean with a worse me anyways?''

''Well, you are already the whole gentle hero guy who happens to be a bit of a country bumpkin. The difference is that you are bigger, stronger and better looking than Oscar, probably smarter as well. And of course it helps that people actually like you mister Arc.''

''We like Oscar.''

''I haven't really heard anyone even trying to figure out how to save the life of this poor little boy as he is slowly being consumed by me.''

''... You do remember that he can still hear you right?''

Apparently not.

''Anyways, I made my point clear, do you have problems with my conclusion?''

''You mean aside from that fact that you think that I only have a chance because there is literally no one else?''

''Yes.''

''The fact that I like to have my limbs attached to my body.''

''Whatever do you mean?''

''Let's suppose your batshit insane-''

''Well thought out.''

''-idea actually works. The second Yang realizes what I have done she would rip out my arms.''

''I think you are underestimating just how fragile her personality can be. I am sure she would just be very saddened... which would cause Qrow to rip out your limbs instead.''

''Truly a paramount improvement.''

''But luckily he cannot complain this time.''

''Why not?''

''I was his idea.''

Yeah, he was calling bullshit on that one. He just looked at Ozpin until he finally continued.

''Well, I think he was more talking about some random girls but he never specified it.''

''Specified what?''

''That doesn't matter.''

''... Are you trying to set me up with this crazy plan because of a bet you made with Qrow?''

''You must understand, he had the finest mug I have ever laid my eyes on.''

''... You are doing all this for a mug?''

''It's a very nice mug.''

... Why were they following those two anyway? He may not be the best leader ever but he surely could do better than those guys.

''And what do I get out of it?''

''What more can you want then three girlfriends?''

Someone was being awfully optimistic there.

''You mean three pissed of female friends that hopefully will not kill me.''

''That all depends on how you will do it mister Arc.''

''No, I am pretty sure it would end with me in a lot of pain.''

''Now, now, now, don't be so negative. That is just like your Huntsman career. You were weak and had no experience, hell, not even aura and yet you did not give up. This is no different.''

''It really is.''

''Excellent. Glad you agree with my point, now, what do those girls like?''

''OH FOR FUCKS SAKE, I DO NOT EVEN LIKE YANG OR WEISS THAT WAY.''

Damn, he hoped that Ozpin would not notice the lack of a certain cookie loving reaper.

''I do wonder where this anger comes from? Is it still about the Lemming?''

''I swear to the brothers Ozpin, I will stab you in the eyes if you do not shut up about Pyrrah right now.''

It was interesting how threatening a simple sword could seem if you were no more then a small boy without a weapon in hand.

''Duly noted. Well then, let's get back to the topic at hand.''

''There is no topic at hand.''

''But I believe there is. Honestly, why are you so reluctant anyways? A bit of love would do good for both you and miss Rose.''

''So you did notice.''

''Well, with how loud you screamed it was kinda hard not to notice that you failed to deny any feelings for her.''

Jaune just sighed.

''Just how badly do you want that damn mug?''

''As I said, it's very nice. But I assure you that I am doing this for your wellbeing as well mister Arc.''

He raised his eyebrow.

''Really. Even if I do not win the bet I can still get that mug with the video.''

''Wich video?''

''Oh, nothing more than the proof that Tai indeed did do the whole team.''

''... Do I even want to know?''

''I mean, that really depends, ever wanted to see a moaning Qrow?''

''Oh god.''

''Jup, kinda like that.''

''I think I am going to puke.''

''I am starting to suspect that you know the video already.''

''Please! Just stop already!''

''It's as if I was watching it right now.''

''I am going to fucking choke you.''

''Do I even need to say it?''

''NO!''

He could see Ozpins smirk and knew he had to act quickly. He could not bear to have any more images etched into his mind.

''Don't you dare say it, don't you fucking dare.''

''Fine, geez, the youth of today is so damn prude.''

''No, you are just a pervert.''

''Kinda comes with being an immortal mind jumper who invades other peoples minds, before taking over their minds, bodies and lifes.''

''... Once again, can't Oscar hear you?''

''Once again, did anyone of you ever even try to help that boy?''

''I mean, we-''

''-don't care about him?''

''-never really thought about it.''

''Because you don't care about him?''

''I am starting to suspect that you want him to feel terrible.''

''That is just insulting mister Arc. Do you really think that I would intentionally cause even more emotional terror to this unloved worthless boy just so he loses himself quicker and I don't have to hear his crying anymore?''

''That was oddly specific.''

''Just your imagination, I assure you.''

Yeah, like he was going to believe that.

''Can I finally go now?''

''But what about your future with miss Rose?''

''What about me?''

Neither of them had noticed her coming, but Ozpin reacted quickly.

''Nothing at all miss Rose, we were just talking about how big your chances of being a professional ballet dancer are.''

''... Is that what you call a believable excuse?''

''Excuse for what?''

''Nothing at all miss Rose. We were definitely not talking about how to get you together with mister Arc.''

Yeah, he was not going to play along.

''We were definitely talking about how to get you together with me.''

Ruby looked surprised.

''You were?''

''LIES! TIS ALL FALSE, THY LIES SHALL FALLETH UNTO MUTE EARS!''

''I think Ozpin stopped working... remember me why he is our leader again?''

But Ruby chose to ignore his question, likely because she didn't know the answer either.

''Why were you talking about getting us together Jaune?''

''Well, it seems he has made a bet with your uncle about being able to get me a girlfriend.''

''THE ENDETH HAST COMETH.''

''He sucks more at lying then you Rubs.''

''Hehe, yeah he really does... hey.''

But Ozpin had already gotten back his composure.

''I assure you that I am quite capable of lying.''

''... Talk about being bipolar.''

''Anyways, I think it is important that you learn how mister Arc feels about you miss Rose.''

Ruby just tilted her head adorably.

''But I know that already.''

''I am talking about more than just friendship.''

''Yeah, I know, he confessed to me three hours ago, it was so sweet.''

''... he did?''

''Oh yes, I was just so happy, it was the most romantic thing I ever experienced.''

''So you like him as well?''

''Of course I do, how could I not, he is just so cool.''

He would never get tired of hearing that.

''Cool would not really be the words I would use to describe mister Arc.''

''You do know that I can still hear you right?''

But to no one's surprise, Ozpin didn't really care.

''But then why didn't you tell me this right at the start mister Arc?''

Jaune just shrugged his shoulders.

''I tried but you were to busy being an asshole to let me finish.''

''... Right, bad habit of mine... so, I did win the bet then?''

''I mean, you didn't do anything but I guess so.''

''Neat.''

''Can you leave me and Ruby alone now?''

''Absolutely. I will need to search for Qrow and get my prize... and maybe I should start writing a letter to Oscar's family.''

''What about Oscar's family?''

''Nothing at all miss Rose, have a nice night you two.''

''You as well professor.''

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''See? No one cares.''

Interesting, it seemed the kid could cry even louder still, annoying, but interesting.
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Don't we all wish we had a wingman half as smooth as Ozpin, no? Well, then it's just me.

Also, if you wonder about the character tags, I didn't tag Jaune and Ruby as a pair and put Team Rwby in the tags to don't spoil the 'twist' at the end. Also for those that don't know, the thing with Salem in my authors notes at the start was referring to my other humor story with Ozpin.

As always I would be happy over every review.

This story has not been beta read yet.