This takes place sometime in The Promise 3, right before Kuei bursts into the Fire Nation with his armies ablazin.'

This is a total Alternate Universe "crackship" pairing. Obviously Zuko hasn't found Ursa yet or there wouldn't' be "The Search" but in this story they have, and she endeavors to help her son out with this little rampaging Kuei problem. Normally I ship Ursroh, but Ursa could also be the type of woman who would do anything or anyone to help her son. I mean, she killed someone for him, remember? Why wouldn't she seduce someone?

Besides, Azula had to get her manipulative prowess from someone (Ozai's evil but not really manipulative). Maybe she got it from Ursa? Anyway in this little tryst I do refer to Ursa having practiced midwifery, which is in line with my other fic, The Plight of Princess Ursa, in which she survives after her banishment by becoming a midwife.

I kept away from the explicit porn/ lemons, but there is a shot or two of citrus juice and enough sexual suggestions in here that I would consider this a high T story. Overall it's more humor than anything else. You'll see why.

Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar. It belongs to Mike, Bryan and Nickelodeon. If I did own Avatar..yeah it would be way more demented than it currently is.

Otherwise enjoy my little alternate reality.

The Seduction of Earth King Kuei

Ursa watched the torchlight dance across the red silk of her gown. She'd taken great care in selecting it; traditional Fire Nation royalty dress wasn't appropriate for this task. This gown was different. It was fitted at the top, revealing the curve of her breasts and her graceful neck, but it swooped out into a beautiful A-line at the bottom, and the classy slit quit a few inches above her left knee. Its capped sleeves and bodice were embroidered with dainty white blossoms and emerald vines. The silk was also exceptional: not too thick like that of the traditional cheongsams, but soft like the petal of a lotus blossom. It would give under the touch of any man, and yet it was not transparent. She just hoped she would not be too transparent.

Her face was still glowing and beautiful for a woman of 38 years, and torchlight did wonders for a woman's complexion. She'd had the servants fix her makeup, and they were quite good at what they did, tinting her high cheekbones with just the right amount of rogue and her eyes with the perfect hints of ochre. They'd smoothed her hair and parted it to one side, leaving it long and flowing across her back like a raven's wing.

Despite such short notice, Ursa had managed to change the throne room from a depressing warmonger's hole to a classy hall. The flames in the fire trough had been extinguished, and the servants had set pots of fire lilies and white jasmine into the recession. Their colorful petals and rich aroma filled the room. She'd also replaced the throne with a lavish purple couch adorned with gold, amber and ruby cushions. A little table set with tea and fruit stood beside the throne. Mirrors had been placed on the back wall. Ursa had always loved mirrors. There was something enchanting about them. For some reason Azula hated them.

Ursa frowned as she considered her daughter and reached into the bodice of her gown for a vial she'd taken from the hospital. In her medical opinion, they were going too heavy on the shirshu venom and too light on the anxiolytics. She'd told the doctors this right before she'd snagged some of Azula's Paeonia for her little interlude tonight. She doubted they'd listen to her, but no matter. Psychiatrics wasn't her specialty. At any rate, they'd figure it out after putting Azula in a strait jacket for the tenth time that week.

Sigh. Poor Azula, but she was a concern for another day. Tonight was about her Zuko, her country, and Kuei.

She wasn't sure what to expect of this Kuei, what kind of man he was exactly. Ursa knew from the Avatar and Katara that he had been a jovial, kind, and good-natured King during the war. After the fall of Ba Sing Se he had traveled the Earth Kingdom, hiding as she had. He had disguised himself as a hobo, whereas she became a midwife. After the defeat of Ozai he reclaimed his throne, and according to most, his good nature. What had inspired him to go on an Ozai-like tirade was as much a mystery to her and to Aang as the man himself. Aang had said something about him "wanting to feel like a man."

Well she could certainly do that for him.

She only hoped the Avatar would deliver as promised.

"What exactly are you going to say to him?" Aang had asked. What could a woman who had been hiding for the past eight years possibly say that he hadn't already thought of?

Ursa had smiled at him. She thought he was too young to know the truth. "Oh honey, you let me worry about that. Just, bring him to the palace around midnight and make sure Zuko's busy or asleep, will you?" She'd almost added put him to bed with one of those Kyoshi warriors, but the Avatar was probably too young for that too.

She turned to the mirror again, second-guessing her hairstyle when she heard footsteps approaching. "Uhh, Miss Princess Ursa?" The Avatar stood before her. He was scratching his head and frowning at the throne room. It wasn't the one he remembered.

Ursa lit up. "Is he here?"

"Well," Aang said nervously, "He's sorta-kinda passed out on my bison right now."

"What?!"

"We tried to get him to come with us, but he refused. Then he said some stuff about us trying to trick him, and he charged at us. I dodged him, but he slipped on something and blacked right out. Well Sokka and I figured, since he was out of it anyway…"

"All right, all right," Ursa breathed, rubbing her temples to summon an idea for this change in her game plan. "Just get him on the couch for me would you?"

A moment later Aang returned with Sokka, the Water Tribesman in tow. They entered the palace carrying a tall man wearing rich green robes, each on either end of him. True to their word, he was dead to the world.

"Come on Sokka, he's heavy! You're slacking on your end!"

"Huh, wha..oh yeah!" Sokka's ogling stare did not escape Ursa's eye.

After some more struggling, they scaled the throne mount and deposited the ruler on the couch. "Good Luck," Aang bid her. "We'll be outside sleeping on Appa if you need anything" and the two of them took their leave.

Ursa smiled at them. Aang was such a good natured boy. He was the one who had recognized her in the Earth Kingdom tavern from the picture Zuko kept. He and that Water Bender of his had implored her to come home, that both her children had gotten themselves into a mess. She was afraid that Zuko would never make any real friends, but Aang had proven her wrong.

As she turned to survey Kuei she heard Sokka's voice from the other end of the hallway: "Is it just me or is Zuko's mom really hot?"

Aang groaned in response as he summoned a gale to shut the palace doors behind them.

# # # #

For an hour or so Ursa watched Kuei sleep, studying him. He was perhaps around 26 or 28 and not unpleasant looking, but certainly not rugged. She had some experience with Earth Kingdom nobility, having delivered a few of their babies; the men could almost be as fair as the women. Kuei seemed the same: fair skin, clean shaven, long hair gathered into the braid of royalty. His delicate features bore a stark contrast to his tall build.

Was he her type and she his? Probably not, but that could be faked easily enough. She summoned the servants for some cold compresses and tea in which she mixed the stolen drugs. This finished she gathered his head into her lap and loosened his robes at the collar. Then she placed the compresses across his forehead. He had a bump and a small cut from his altercation with the Avatar; he moaned a little when the cold cloth touched it.

"Earth King Kuei," she whispered gently, her lips a few inches from his ear. "Wake up!"

His eyes fluttered. Green eyes.

"Earth King Kuei. You should drink," Ursa nudged, lifting the cup to his lips with one hand as she held his head with the other.

He blinked, demanding his eyes to focus. When they finally did a pair of amber eyes and ruby red lips appeared, smiling down at him. He took the cup from her and finished the brew. The tea had a pleasant taste, and a calming, but energizing effect. It also dulled the pain in his head.

Kuei fell back against Ursa's lap, thinking this was a very pleasant dream and closed his eyes, willing himself to enjoy it.

Ursa set the cup aside and dipped her hands below the robes she'd loosened. Her soft fingers found the contours of his shoulders and followed them up his neck to his temples and back again, marking the muscles that jumped and then relaxed under her touch.

He let out a sigh of pleasure.

Ursa smiled. This was certainly going well, but perhaps a little too well. She certainly didn't want him going to sleep on her. She dipped her lips to his ear again. "Earth King Kuei," she said gently, "wake up my lord."

"I don't want to wake up," Kuei countered, his eyes still closed.

Ursa laughed gently "I'm not a dream, if that's what you're afraid of," and she kissed the shell of his ear.

At that moment Kuei's eyes flew open, and he saw the woman again. Only this time he realized what her beautiful golden eyes, red dress, and sleek black hair all meant: Fire Nation.

He sprang up in alarm, but the sudden motion jarred the throbbing back into his forehead. He cried out in pain as he sat upright on the couch.

"Please Earth King, not so quickly. You've had a terrible accident!" Ursa put her arm about his shoulder.

Kuei wanted to shrug her off, but was still in too much pain to do so. "Who are you?" he demanded. "Why did you kidnap me?"

"Oh, my lord," Ursa gasped dramatically as she fell to her knees before him and gathered his hands into hers. She breathed deeply, purposely causing her breasts to heave as she beseeched him. "Forgive the actions of a desperate woman. I asked for the Avatar's help, but it went so terribly wrong. I never wanted to harm you."

Kuei looked away, trying not to notice the red silk painting her curves or the softness of her pleading hands. "What do you want?"

"To show you that we are not so very different, you and I."

Despite his attempts to harden himself, her words touched him and he couldn't help but look at her.

Her long lashes swept upward, and as they did so a few tears fell from her eyes, rippling over her ivory skin, down to her neck where the moisture settled there, glistening in the torchlight.

He wanted to say that it was too late for negotiations, that the colonies and their occupants had no right to exist, but he couldn't. He was frozen somehow, and he didn't want to admit why. He had only just met this woman and yet there was something incredibly alluring about her. Could he really be attracted to this Fire Nation woman? Impossible, and yet, when she stood before him, her hands still holding his, he couldn't deny the heat in stomach or the beating of his heart.

"Who are you?" Kuei demanded.

Her eyes sparkled at him as she pressed the compress to his forehead. "My name is Princess Ursa."

"Princess Ursa? But I've never heard of you" Kuei was confused. "I thought the Firelord had only one sister."

Ursa flashed him a pouty smile. "Oh really? Because I've heard of you." She stood up, walking just a short distance to one of the columns. At length she stopped and peered around it, as though looking for something. Then she turned to him again, resting against the column with one leg crooked, the porcelain knee and thigh peeking through the slit in her dress. "Your kingdom is beautiful. During the war its rolling hills and forests gave me refuge, and your people welcomed me. They even gave me a trade and let me deliver their babies."

"You're a…doctor?

"Midwife, actually. I chose the trade so I could travel and blend in. I was dreadfully afraid my ex-husband would come for me one day." She walked toward him, and Kuei couldn't help but notice the way her hips swayed, stirring the folds of red silk at her waist. Her left leg was still visible to him as she walked, her calf muscles sleek and defined. "The babies I delivered were handsome and strong," she purred, "like their King."

He swallowed uncomfortably. Part of him knew what she was doing. But most of him was woozy, flattered, and too happy for someone who had just been kidnapped. Just what the spirits had she given him? On second thought he didn't really care. The pain was gone and there was a beautiful woman coming onto him, which never happened except with the palace consorts who had been paid to do so.

He felt her left hand on his shoulder again, pushing him gently back onto the couch. In her other, she held something. A book.

She sat close to him and crossed her bare leg so that her dainty, sandaled foot brushed his leg. "I'd like to share something with you, King Kuei. This is a midwife's logbook, my logbook. It contains the names of all the children I delivered, along with their parent's nationality."

Ursa leaned into the King's shoulder and Kuei was suddenly, vividly aware of her scent. She smelled of incense and sandalwood, and her hair was like Jasmine in the night air. He thought he was going to faint as she began to read her records to him:

Baby girl Pei Xwei: Mother Fire Nation Colonial, Father Earth Kingdom.

Baby boy Shan: Mother Earth Kingdom and Fire Nation, Father Fire Nation Soldier.

Baby girl Yamora: Father Earth Kingdom/Fire Nation colonial citizen, Mother Swampy Water Tribe…"

And as she read her unoccupied hand swept his back and shoulder in gentle strokes. He knew she was reading something, but he couldn't for the life of him recall what.

"Do you understand what I am telling you, King Kuei?" she asked when she had finished reading off the names and information of 10 of her patients. His lack of attention to her logbook was very plain. Not that she cared; she had Kuei right where she wanted him.

"I..I umm…."

"That more than half of these babies are mixed race babies!" she giggled coyly and tossed her logbook to the side like a cheap toy. It hit the marble flooring with a dull thud. She stood up, her right hand still on his shoulder as she whirled to face him. Her bare leg gently parted his knees. She bent and they were practically nose to nose. "I am saying that our people have learned to love each other. Why can't we?"

Kuei's cheeks were burning by now and his heart was thundering in his ears. He felt an overwhelming desire to kiss her; her lips were just inches from his after all. But something stopped him, a sudden realization. "You're…you're Zuko's mother."

Ursa was still smiling, but sadness burned in her eyes. She pulled away from Kuei and turned so that her midnight tresses danced about her shoulders. "I am," she said over her shoulder "does that bother you?"

Kuei tried to stand, but felt dizzy the instant he did so. He sank back into the couch. "He put you up to this."

Ursa shook her head. "Dear Kuei, Zuko is my son and I love him, but he is nowhere near that clever. He had nothing to do with it. I asked Avatar Aang to bring you because I thought that a man of your experience might have pity on me. I thought if anyone could understand me, you could. I thought perhaps, you would listen." Ursa sighed, lifting her head as she blinked against the tears in her eyes. "I don't blame you. I have bad luck with men. I was only 15, yet a child when I was forced to marry Ozai, and he never liked to talk. He was done with me once I continued his bloodline, and when I suspected something was wrong with Azula, he would hear none of it."

She retreated to another column and leaned her head against its smooth surface. He heard her burst into tears, her sniffling just barely audible above the roar of the torches. She even cries like an angel, Kuei thought, and he felt the sudden compulsion to comfort her, as much to still her sobbing as to feel her next to him again, see her bat her eyes at him, to smell her.

Suddenly her sobbing halted, and he heard her say solemnly "Avatar Aang is right outside. I will have him take you back..."

"No, wait!" he called out to her, "if you say that Zuko doesn't know about this, than I believe you..and I'll listen!"

Ursa smiled faintly into the column, savoring her victory. Then she whirled and ran to Kuei.

The King thought Ursa would sit next to him again; instead she ended up in his lap as she threw her arms about him. The princess felt light and soft, and he buried his face in her hair. The black tresses were like spun silk; he couldn't help but inhale the sensual hints of Jasmine emanating from them. He tightened his arms about her, feeling dizzier than before, if that was even possible. His hands smoothed her back and the top of her hips. "Tell me what you wanted to say," he whispered into her hair. The truth was he wanted badly to kiss her, and knew if she turned her face up to speak he could do so.

She raised her head, and Kuei leaned in, but Ursa's fingertips laid gently on his chin, halting his lips. Ursa smiled at him, her eyes searching his "I wanted to ask you 'why?'"

"Why?"

"Yes," she whispered, leaning in slightly. "Why? I like you Kuei," she purred, her hand caressing his jaw. "You are nothing like Ozai. Why then, would you emulate him? Why so quick to anger and so slow to love?" Her hand traveled from his jaw to his back, slinking down his spine and then back up to the nape of his neck.

The King suppressed a shiver. "When I was in hiding I heard that my people believed me weak. I wanted them to change their thinking…I wanted them to know I was strong, a man that wouldn't let the Fire Nation push them around anymore!"

With that Kuei threaded his hands through her hair and crushed Ursa to him. Her lips were as soft as he imagined they would be, and she opened her mouth wide in response, yielding fully to the caress of his ardent tongue. She tasted like cinnamon and honey, like a tea he had sampled long ago.

The back of Ursa's head met the amber cushions, and she felt his hand snake down to the slit in her dress, rucking the fabric higher. She gasped in surprise as his full weight came down on her, and he abandoned her lips to plant little licks and kisses along the slope of her neck and collarbone.

Well this was surprising. Pleasantly so, but surprising nonetheless. She hadn't expected him to be such a passionate lover. Suppressed sexual tension perhaps? No matter. At least some fun was going to come from this.

When he pulled away Ursa was panting, red faced, and smiling. "Oh, is that why?" Ursa crooned, her amber eyes glittering. "King Kuei, surely you know there is more than one way to conquer the Fire Nation. My son is asleep. My ex-husband is imprisoned. My daughter is insane. Right now I am the Fire Nation, and I can make you feel like more of a man than any war ever could, I promise. "

# # # # #

Zuko awoke early the next morning. He had to meet with his generals and the one admiral not at sea. Then there was the matter of securing Caldera and the rest of the capital, ensuring the safety of the civilians. So much to do, so little time.

He saw his mother lounging in the chaise outside her room; she was still in her night robe. In her hand she held a piping cup of tea. A smug and gentle smile played on her ruby lips.

"Mother, good morning. Have you seen my officers? Are they at the war room yet?"

Ursa laughed. "Oh Zuko darling, that's not necessary. Mommy took care of it." She sipped her tea.

"What?"

Ursa cocked an eyebrow. "The whole 'war thing,'" she set down her tea and moved her fingers to quote the words. "Mommy took care of it. There's not going to be one."

Zuko opened his mouth, a finger hanging in the air. Before he could ask for clarification as to what, exactly "mommy took care of," and how she had done it, the door to Ursa's suite opened and who should emerge but Kuei in a borrowed red night robe.

Zuko purposefully clenched his jaw to keep it from falling to the floor. Despite his best efforts his mouth was still partially open.

"Oh, Firelord Zuko. Good morning," said Kuei.

Zuko stared at him, shocked beyond all measure. He felt as though Katara had just frozen him to a tree. After a minute of awkward staring he finally managed a small "hi."

Kuei cleared his throat. "You know Firelord Zuko, I've been thinking about the colony issue. Perhaps, I was being a little irrational. It seems like some of my people would also be affected by their removal. If you are still willing, I would very much like to talk to you. Perhaps, I could meet you in the courtyard in say, half an hour?"

Still in open-mouthed fish mode, Zuko nodded.

"Very well then. Good talk. I'll see you soon." Kuei disappeared back into his mother's suite, presumably to freshen up for the day.

Zuko glared at Ursa.

"Oh darling," Ursa lamented as she drank the last bit of her tea, "If that's how you talk to world leaders, no wonder you are having such problems!"

A/N: Poor Zuko! His dad's a psychopath, his sister's a nut job, and now his mom is a S-t, BONG! I hope you enjoyed my demented little ride. May Mike and Brian forgive me for turning Ursa into a M.I.L.F./Cougar!

Oh and if you don't get the part about Ursa being the Fire Nation, google: "The Royal We." That will explain it well enough.

I REGRET NOTHING!