Song by Eric Clapton All Harry Potter related characters and places etc are the property of the talented J. K. Rowling. I am simply borrowing the characters.
I imagine that Severus Snape was a very lonely, bitter man who understood very little about love. BUT he loved Lily Evens. His last year of life must have been a terribly lonely one.
Lily and Snape Tears in Heaven a song-fic.
Severus Snape, Headmaster of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry sat at his desk in the famed circular office. His head rested wearily in his hands and an old muggle radio played softly in the background. His head felt heavy, the weight of the world upon his shoulders. A song came on over the radio, piquing his interest. Magically he increased the volume and listened... letting the smooth music roll over him. Lily was heavy on his mind and heavy on his heart tonight.
"Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven."
He dreaded that, that after this was all said and done, after all he'd seen and done for her, his Lily would not even remember him. Worse still, he would forget her. In some of his worst nightmares he spent all of eternity in paradise searching for SOMETHING.
"Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven."
He hoped Lily would forgive him, that she would understand how hard he'd tried to undo the damage he'd done in his stupidity and eagerness to impress the Dark Lord. He didn't think he could bear it if she looked at him with disgust, like she had when she'd seen his dark mark that one time.
"I must be strong, and carry on
Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven."
That truth, right there. He didn't deserve heaven. Life as a Death Eater turned spy was a dirty job, he felt the stains on his soul. Now he had the lives of hundreds of children in his hands, protected only just by their blood status.
"Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven"
In his happiest daydreams she held his hand again, just like she had when they were kids. Even when Petunia had teased them mercilessly.
"Would you help me stand
if I saw you in heaven."
Kind, gentle Lily. She'd picked him up countless times after he'd been the victim of yet another Marauder Prank. Right up till Fifth year, when his very public humiliation led to his First Big Mistake then his First Great Heartbreak.
"I'll find my way, through night and day,
Cause I know I just can't stay, here in heaven."
He knew he wouldn't want to stay near Lily. Not seeing her everyday so in love with Potter. So happy, so damned sickening, always touching, always smiling stupidly at each other. He was used to Potter being a drooling fool, mooning over Lily.. but Lily? He'd always thought her too smart to gaga over the man! They were so RIGHT together it hurt, he'd go as far from them as he could, if he could.
"Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees"
How well he knew it, he remembered the pattern of Albus's office carpet intimately, having laid upon it screaming out his grief when Lily died. He'd known the rug in Lucius's study just as intimately of late too, thanks to his 'Master's' love of the Cruciatis.
"Time can break your heart,
have you Begging Please,
Begging Please."
And he had begged for Lily, at his Dark Lord's feet. His Lord's promise to 'spare the Mudblood whore' was cold and empty, like the man's soul. And oh how he wanted to KILL the bastard from referring to his Lily like THAT!. Still he'd doubted... He had known Lily too well though, she'd never go quietly if someone threatened her baby. So he went to her, tried to warn her.. she'd turned away from him. Pretended not to see him, not to hear him, ignored him and Apparated away. So finally he approached Dumbledore. The old man had once favoured the Marauders of Gryffindor, but had, away from prying eyes had won him over when he had soundly punished Black for trying to feed him to Lupin. Snape had really really enjoyed watching a VERY angry Dumbledore tear into the arrogant Black. Potter and Lupin had both stood there glaring and it was only many may years later he realised those furious glares had been for BLACK. The fool had nearly gotten all three of them killed. If Lupin had attacked, he would have been killed. Black had been isolated from his friends for weeks.
A frightened young man had, on a stormy night basically sold Dumbledore his soul. He'd turned spy, vowed to protect her and her son. Done whatever he could to keep his Lily safe. For Nothing. It hadn't been enough. He'd failed and she'd died. He didn't mourn James Potter, the man had been his Hogwarts nemesis along with Black and had made his life a living hell. He'd also won the heart of Lily Evans. The one person, barring his mother, Severus had ever truly loved. Lily's death broke him. He didn't care about the boy, certainly didn't want to hear he had her eyes. He couldn't begin to care that Voldemort was gone.. maybe. Lily was dead.
"Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
And I know there'll be no more
tears in heaven."
Seeing Lily's beautiful green eyes in Potter's face had hurt like a kick to the guts. He'd lost himself in those eyes so often. He'd dreamed of seeing love and passion in those eyes. Still it would be his great solace in death to know that part of Lily still lived on in her son. IF the infernal child would out grow his 'Saving People Thing" He had found it incredibly funny when Miss Granger had coined the phrase during that long summer holidays they'd been cooped up in Grimmauld Place... the war beginning and his role as a spy wavering on a knife edge. He could find peace in that, and in that he'd had a hand in bringing down her murderer.
If Lily remembered him, forgave him, at least he would have peace at last.
"Would you know my name
if I saw you in heaven."
"Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven."
The music faded and Severus shut off the radio with a wave of his hand, a rare display of his powerful wandless magic. Slowly he went to his bedchamber, the strains of the song and images of Lily filling his head. For the first time in many months Severus Snape, now the most hated Headmaster of Hogwarts ever slept without nightmares.