I wake up and think dreams are real. I sleep so I don't have to feel.
He was dreaming again, had to be, because there was Bucky smiling at him like they had all the time in the world.
~Come on, Stevie, we'll be late!~ Bucky cried grabbing his hand and dragging him along through the crowds of people, none of whom seemed to care that they were two men holding hands, this was definitely a dream.
~Where are we going, Bucky?~ Steve asked laughing as he tried to keep up with the man he loved.
~It's your birthday, Stevie, don't you remember?~ Bucky asked turning around to look at him. ~We're going to watch the fireworks from the ocean, its warm enough that you won't get sick this year. ~
*Right, this is a memory.* Steve thought, *Our last Fourth of July before Bucky shipped out.*
~I can't wait, maybe there won't be a lot of people and we can cuddle.~ Steve whispered.
~Yeah.~ Bucky breathed leaning in to kiss Steve before the dream faded as someone knocked on his bedroom door, waking him up.
"Steve! Are you up yet? Tony and Clint are burning breakfast." Bruce's voice called.
Steve sighed, he still couldn't believe that out of all of the Avengers he was the only one that could cook, he remembered Bucky's attempts at making food, and every time he made a meal he expected Bucky to be sitting at the rickety table in their apartment or for him to come up behind him, wrap his arms around his waist and press a kiss to the back of his neck, but it never happened, all that he had left were memories and a world he didn't want to be a part of.
Steve got out of the bed, softer than he and Bucky had been able to find, blankets warmer than they had ever had, at least not since his mom had died, but emptier than their bed had ever been.
He got dressed quickly and headed down to the kitchen, filled with more food than theirs had, food that cost more than they had money for and appliances that hadn't existed in their time, to rescue breakfast. Three more plates than they had had in their cupboard, three more chairs than could fit at their table and three more cups than needed at their table.
Steve didn't like comparing this time with Bucky time, but he couldn't help it, they had been together so long, he had been three and his mother and him had been walking home from the store and suddenly his mother's hand had been gone and he couldn't see her pretty blond hair anywhere, and it had made him cry, then there was a boy standing beside him just as he had had an Asthma attack, the boy had coached his breathing down and carried him to his frantic mother, and had stayed for hot coco. They had been friends ever since.
Steve swallowed as he fixed breakfast for the group, ignoring the way they talked to each other about this and that, ~How are your classes going Stevie? Are you drawing people yet? Should I model for you?~
It was hard, he had tried to get their old apartment back but it had been burned down, Coney Island was only open during certain times, everything was different and Steve was lost, he may have been brave in a fight, ~I know, you had him on the ropes.~ But Bucky had been the truly brave one, Bucky had been the one to reach for his hand during his mother's funeral, It was raining and Steve didn't care that he was getting wet, his suit soaked through as he watched his mom disappear forever, Bucky walked over to him to stand next to him and curled his fingers into Steve's, not saying anything about the woman that had become like a mother to him too, Bucky had taken his first kiss after a girl had thrown water in his face for asking her to dance, Steve sniffled as he waited for Bucky to come out of the Bar, he had just wanted to dance, but at least it had been water she had thrown at him and not alcohol, Bucky frowned at him when he saw him and they began walking home ~What happened, Stevie?~ ~I just wanted to dance~ ~Gosh, Stevie.~ And then Bucky pressed a small, brief kiss to his lips, Steve had smiled all the way home, Bucky had asked him to live with him, ~Come on, it'll be fun!~, Bucky had pulled him down into his bed, ~Its cold, Stevie, we can't afford to have you sick again.~, Bucky had given him his first orgasm, ~You're beautiful, Stevie, so beautiful.~, his first blowjob, ~Bucky, stop, I'm…~, had taken his virginity, ~God, Stevie, you're perfect, don't you ever change.~ ~Too…late…Bucky.~ and Steve never regretted a moment of it, of them, but it hurt, hurt that he was there and Bucky wasn't, that every time he woke he was reminded that Bucky was gone, forever.
"Hey, Capsicile, aren't you going to eat with us?" Tony asked, ~Come on, Stevie, I know you don't feel hungry but eat with me, just a few bites?~
"I'm not hungry." Steve said as he walked out of the room.
~Stevie, Stevie, Stevie, Stevie…~ It was all he heard, awake or asleep, but at least when he was asleep he could pretend that Bucky was still with him, even if when he woke up he would reach for a body that he was never going to have again, someone who had never shared that bed with him, someone who was long gone, gone, gone, forever.
"I miss you, Bucky, miss you, miss you, miss you." Steve whispered as he looked out the window of the living room, blank sketchbook on his knees, open to a page, pencil point resting on the page and then Steve looked down at the book and began to draw, first an arm, then a leg, and finally a face, and last he drew a smile, and as he looked down at the page he felt the tears he had held in since waking up in the mockery of a hospital room from his time begin to fall and he turned back to the window, watching the reflection of the other Avengers mill about in the living room, glad that none of them looked to him unless it was when they were fighting something.
He had always looked towards Bucky when things went sour, now he had no one.
~Are we going to be forever, Bucky?~ Steve asked as they watched the fireworks, curled together on the beach.
~As long as you want, Stevie, forever or longer, as long as you want.~
"Forever, Bucky, and longer." Steve whispered quietly. "Forever."