Agonized Fear, a house, m.d. fanfic

A/N: So much for fluffy happiness. Sorry.

Disclaimer: No, House ain't mine. Neither is Three Days Grace.

House unscrewed the white cap, its new shiny pallor glistening in the dim overhead light. He set the cap down slowly on the counter and then, carefully, ever so carefully, tipped the bottle over, watching as the white capsules hit the floor hard as resounding bullets, shattering and breaking like glass. House smiled. Whoops. There goes my vicodin.

He turned, unhappy, as his powerful high ended. Without bothering to clean up the mess, he left the kitchen, cap and container sitting forlornly on the counter. He didn't need drugs. He didn't need any help. Just look at what happened with Wilson. Getting too close to anything would backfire. He wasn't taking any chances.

And he hadn't had vicodin for more than two weeks.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

Detox was fun. At least he knew what it felt like. It was boring though; he couldn't really do much just sitting on the couch or lying in bed. Cases sucked. Medicine was overrated. All these people would die anyway, just like him. No use trying to prolong their miserable lives. Heck, if he'd had a fun way to do it, he would've killed himself right there and then.

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand.

Amber's death was good. It showed everyone that life was pointless. Who could like it? Living, happiness, both irrelevant. Now just look at him. He was friendless, jobless, drugless, and painless.

Sort of.

But at least Wilson was moving on.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Glass was meticulously scraped on House's arm, and he smiled. Euphoria. He thought pleasantly. How clumsy of me. It hurt. It was good. That's how House thought of it. Hurting was better than thinking, knowing. Hurting was better than not being forgiven.

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

He brought both legs towards his chest and shivered—he was freezing. He was tired and hungry. He didn't deserve comfort, food or sleep. So he stayed, huddled on the floor, hurting.

Amber was coming. Amber was coming to kill him. He knew she hated him. He was scared. And that scared him even more. Amber and Wilson wanted him dead.

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Cuddy's head shot up from its restful position on her pillow, and she bolted out of bed. She didn't have a reason to think anything. She wasn't being logical. But she knew something was wrong. Really, really, wrong.

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

She knocked franticly at his door until she realized he never kept the stupid thing locked, anyway; and ran in, feeling somewhat foolish as she did.

Until she saw what she'd feared.

House, lying on the ground, on a pool of his own sweat…but mostly blood. Raw, red, blood. She screamed. She screamed as loud as she could, then called nine-one-one, franticly checking for a pulse.

There wasn't one.

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain…