Sam and Dean's thoughts shortly after 'Good God Y'all'
I guess that intellectually, in my head, I couldn't blame Dean for feeling the way that he feels. But in my heart, it hurt. When he just let me go without a fight. I know that I'm no good to anyone with the way that I'm feeling. It would only put the people around me in danger. I wish that things could be different but this is a journey that I have to take alone. I'm going to miss Dean...his inappropriate humour, the godawful greasy food that he would eat and most of all the way that he would call me Sammy...the look in his eyes and the affection in his voice. All I see now is sadness and disappointment. Our brotherly connection has been severed and I'm beginning to think that it's beyond repair. I don't know what I can do to get Dean to trust me again. My word is not enough now. I see the doubt in his eyes and it kills me. It also makes me angry. Have I changed so much that he doesn't know who I am anymore? There were times that I thought that the one person who knew me the most was Dean. Even when I doubted myself, Dean was there to tell me that I could fight the darkness, that I was stronger than whatever crap 'destiny' could throw at me. I almost believed him and I think that Dean fooled himself into believing that it was true too.
Letting Sammy go was one of the hardest things I had to do. I could see the flare of hurt in his eyes but just as suddenly it was gone. Replaced by the most incredible sadness. I knew that going our separate ways was the best thing for us. I couldn't focus on the biggest hunt of our lives if I worried about him every minute. Not knowing if I could trust him. It kills me to admit it and I know that it killed Sam to hear that I didn't trust him. What's that cliche? If you love someone, let them go...God knows that I love Sammy. Everything I have ever done has been to protect him and to keep him safe. I just can't do it anymore. I was never one to believe in destiny but maybe our destiny is to travel the road of redemption alone.
Sam and Dean's thoughts after reuniting in 'Fallen Idols'
Being with Dean now feels different but the same, you know? I know we have a long road to go and it's not going to be easy but at least he is letting me back in. Slowly but surely, I am beginning to have a little bit of hope about what the future might bring. I realize now that our connection could never be totally severed. Now that we've been truthful about how we have been feeling, I know that my road to redemption will be long but I won't be traveling it alone. We have never had so many 'caring and sharing' moments before. I know that it takes alot for Dean to apologize and that not everything was entirely his fault. I'm also slowly beginning to believe that not everything was my fault either.
It feels weird being back with Sammy. It's like we need to learn to be brothers again. We've hurt each other and we need to ease into it slowly. Man, it felt good to get into a good old fashioned case. For once, not to think about the Apocalypse, Angels and Lucifer. I'm not saying that Sam and I will get back to the relationship we once had. But I know that in time, our relationship will be stronger and we will become better brothers. In the meantime, I'm just gonna enjoy having Sammy fighting with me instead of against me.