I don't really have anything to say. I don't own Blue Exorcist.
They started off like a lit match.
Present, but no noticeable amount of warth. They were so cold towards each other. Only a small flame kept them from killing each other.
When the match was used to ignite a bonfire they weren't sure. He desperately needed her and she needed him. When they were apart, they were left feeling so, so cold. It was only when they joined their bodies together that they were burning. Not that they minded the intense heat.
Afterwards, they always held each other close. They made promises and talked about the cold gusts of wind that would always threaten to put the raging flames out.
"Why do you never let me take your shirt off? You let me unbutton it so I can see your chest, but that is it. If I can see your breasts, what else is there for you to hide?" He would often ask her.
She sighed. She hated this question. She couldn't tell him the answer. How could she? If he were to learn the truth about her, he would douse the flames with water.
"I can't answer that. You know I can't. I'm sorry."
"You can tell me, you know. No matter what I am not going anywhere. I love you."
She would always have this sad smile on her face when he confessed to her. It was almost as if she thought that he was just saying things to be cruel.
"I know. I love you too. I can't tell you because it is risky. I don't want to drag you into anything. Besides, I know you. You may say that nothing will ever tear us apart, but this will."
"No, it won't. I love you. Nothing can change my feelings for you."
Again that sad smile.
"Why do you never believe me? What is it? Tell me. What can be so bad about you that it would make me stop loving you?"
She closed her eyes.
"Please don't do this. Ryuji. Please, please don't do this. Can we just stop talking about this. I want to talk about the future you told me about. The one where we rebuild your family's temple together and nothing tears us apart."
His harsh eyes soften and her lids lift.
"Nothing will tear us apart. Why can't you just see that? You always treat a future with me like you know it will never happen. It is like you don't believe in me and my love."
"That is not it. I believe in you so much. I know you will do amazing things. It is just… It is me. I am a time bomb."
"You're not a time bomb."
"Then I am defective."
"You are not defective."
"Then I am a mistake."
"No, you aren't. You are perfect. Everything about you is perfect."
She sat up. He went to move with her but she stopped him.
"No, I am a mistake. I should never have been born. Nothing is perfect about me. I should have been killed. I was supposed to be killed when I was a baby."
"What?"
She looked at him, tears in her eyes.
"Yeah. I am not even supposed to be here right now. But I am. And I am just fucking everything up. That is what I am. A fuck up. I can never do anything right. All my life I have had people fear me, and then one day I learn that I have every right to be feared. To be looked at as a monster. And you know what?" She was crying now. "It hurts so damn much. All my life I have had nothing but good intentions. I just want to protect everyone and everything. But whenever I do, I always seem to go overboard. It isn't like I plan to. It just happens. So I am always alone, even in crowded rooms."
He sat up. This was a side to her that he had never seen before. Never had she shown this side to anyone, not in years. He hated seeing her in so much torment.
"But you know what I do? I don't let anyone know how badly I am hurting. I just put on a smile and laugh everything off. It has gotten to the point where sometimes I can't even tell if my smile is genuine or not. No one ever sees through it. I have just gotten that good. Whenever my heart is breaking I just smile and laugh. I try to convince myself that if I do that, it will all go away. But it never goes away."
She buried her face in her hands. He went to hold her but the minute his hands touched her she wiped her eyes, turned to him and smiled.
"Sorry about all that. I got really depressed for a minute there, but I am fine now."
He couldn't believe it. Her expression. It was one he had seen on her so many times. If he hadn't seen it, and if not for her red eyes, he would not know she had just been crying.
He put his arms around her.
"Don't do that. You can let me in you know. I don't know what reason anyone would have had to kill you when you were a baby, but not killing you was the right choice. You will never be alone again. I am here. Nothing will change that."
"It will change. As soon as the truth comes out. There is no reason for you to stay once you learn the truth about me. You will hate me. You and everyone else will leave me."
"I love you. That is a reason for me not to leave you."
A sad smile for a third time.
"Fine. Then I will create a reason for me to stick by your side."
"Huh?"
He pushed her down on her back.
"A baby. We'll make a baby. That will make it so I have a reason to stick around you, if you don't believe that I could never hate you."
She thought about this. It would make it so she would have someone when everyone else, including him, abandoned her.
"Okay."
And so they joined together bareback for the first time. Both noticed the difference. They were unable to last as long as usual, but that didn't matter to them.
For a few weeks they tried, not really knowing if it worked. She suspected it did. He had no idea.
"You would tell me if you were pregnant, right?" He asked one time.
"Hm?"
"You would tell me if you were pregnant, right? Let's say that we were to get into a fight, and you knew, but hadn't told me yet. You would still tell me, even if for some reason we broke up?"
"I thought you said you would love me forever."
"I will, I am just making sure."
She gave him her sad smile.
"Of course I would."
He knew it was a lie.
A few months passed and they were in the woods. The Earth King had shown up and Rin was fighting him.
Blue flames. She… She is… she is using blue flames. What is she?
She won. But, she wasn't her anymore. She was feral. It was like she couldn't control herself. Sheimi got her to return back to normal, but she passed out.
An explanation.
She was the child of Satan.
All the time they had spent together, and she never told him. She knew how much he hated Satan. It was like she was mocking him. All this time she knew, and she never said anything. It was probably all a lie.
A deeper explanation. She only knew a short time. Not like it mattered. She knew the entire time they were together.
The sword was cracked. It could no longer hold her power. At his suggestion they went to go and try to get it fixed. Why was he trying to help her? Why?
He didn't think he wanted to know the answer.
They got the sword to her just in time. She used it to defeat Amaimon.
The Vatican decided to let her live for the time being. They were cleaning Coal Tars out of the classroom when she walked in. He hated seeing her. He felt hatred, fear, betrayal, and something else he couldn't identify. She had that stupid grin on her face. A memory that he was suppressing was trying to fight its way to the surface. He didn't let it drag him away from the now. He needed to keep an eye on her. She was dangerous.
She went after a Coal Tar with her flames. She could have hurt Sheimi. What was she thinking? He yelled at her and threatened to kill her. Her smile broke for a moment before dropping altogether. She looked mad. He was scared, but couldn't let it show. Was she mad at him? Would she go after him?
Her brother came in to get her before she could say anything. The two left and he realized that his yelled words were the last he had spoken to her since her sword was fixed. That emotion he couldn't identify grew stronger.
What was it?
Yukio had dragged her way. Special training. No longer would she be in class with the others. Not until she was tamed. That could take forever though. But she had to. She had to live. Even if the whole world hated her, she had to stay alive.
She knew that day so many months ago that he would leave her. That he would hate her. She knew. But she had been alone for so long. He offered her a way that she would never be alone again. With a child, she would have someone who would love her, for her. Her own flesh and blood. She had told him yes.
She was indeed pregnant.
She had taken the test right before the trip. She was going to tell him while they were in the woods. She had been about to.
That was when Amaimon attacked Sheimi and she lost control. She never got to tell him. She wanted to tell him when things were still good between them. Before he hated her. Now it was too late. He didn't need to know.
Not any longer.
Special training. While she was attempting to gain some control so she could live to have and raise her child, Yukio and Shura, who had showed up with candles, were goofing off.
Rin kept trying to light to candles on the end. The entire time she thought about Ryu- no. Suguro's words. He knew just what to say to make her heart ache. Though, that wasn't the only part of her that ached. Her abdomen hurt. She put a hand to belly deep in thought. She hoped everything would be okay.
"Oi! What are you doing! Keep going." Shura yelled at her.
She kept trying.
In the classroom, he was ranting.
He was pissed.
"She needs to learn to be more careful. I swear she is an idiot. She doesn't think about the others around her. It is like she doesn't understand that we are afraid of her." He was saying.
"I can't believe she fooled us into being her friends. Into caring about her." Shima said.
Bon had to agree. He agreed all too well.
Afterall, he had cared for her the most.
Agonizing pain. She never felt anything like it. When she looked down she saw blood. She didn't even realize that she was screaming.
"Sister?! What is going on? Why are you bleeding so much?" yukio seemed to be saying.
She didn't reply. She couldn't. She was screaming and crying too hard.
Was her baby okay? What was happening?"
"It is a miscarriage. I have seen this happen before." Shura said.
A… No. No! She couldn't be losing her baby. It was going to be her salvation. She was finally never going to be alone again. Why was this happening? Why?
"Sister… You are-"
"Was. She was pregnant."
Rin cried the hardest she ever had in her life.
Bon felt odd. He couldn't explain it. The feeling lingered well into the next day. He shook his head as if he could shake away the feeling. It was another one he couldn't identify.
Numb. All she felt was numb.
At some point Yukio had brought her to their dorm. She washed the blood off of herself in a daze.
Alone. She was forever going to be alone. Everyone she cared about always left her. Even Yukio was so far away. He had always been, she supposed. He may still have physically been there, but he was long gone. He had an entire life without her. Now he had to protect the world from her. He had said he wanted to protect her, buts he knew the truth.
Her eyes were wide open. He did what he did not to keep his sister safe. No. he did it so he could keep himself, and others, safe from her. From what she was.
A monster. A fucking monster.
A monster who couldn't even go through a pregnancy correctly.
It was a few days later when he saw her again. She looked empty. It was as though the Rin that they all thought they knew had died. He had hoped that meant that she had smartened up a bit and realized how dangerous she was. But no. If anything she was worse.
She tried to attack Konekomaru.
He yelled at her again. She just didn't get it. Now she looked confused.
"You don't see it? It is right over his head! Just look!" She seemed to deflate a little.
"There is nothing there! Can't you see you are scaring him? Look, he is terrified!"
She looked doubtful. She looked up again.
"You really don't see it?""
"I don't see it because there is nothing there."
She got that expression on her face again. It was like she had become animated for the sole purpose of hurting his friend. He repeated his threat to kill her. Her empty eyes met his furious ones.
He meant every word he had spoken.
A doll. That was what she was like. Lifeless. No control over herself. Someone else was making her go through the motions.
Until she saw a demon attached to Konekomaru. How dare it? It was bad enough that he was injured, now it had to latch onto him? She tried to get rid of it before it could cause damage, but she was stopped.
They couldn't see it. He couldn't see it.
Maybe there really was nothing there. Or maybe, she could just see things they couldn't. Because she was a monster. A monster who couldn't do anything right.
Yukio dragged her away. But not before Suguro said what was on his mind. She had to see if he meant it, or if he was putting on a show. She knew that he was speaking from the heart. A part of her was just hoping that he remembered his promises.
She didn't want to be alone.
She saved Konekomaru.
He didn't think that there was a chance that something really had been attached to his friend. Rin was right. She saw what no one else could. Probably because of her demon heritage. Satan's heritage.
He was mad, but mostly at himself. A part of him was speaking to him. The part of him that he hadn't felt in a long time.
She tried to warn you. All of this could have been avoided. Don't you know that she would never harm someone she cares about? She valued him like a friend. Just because you stopped caring, doesn't mean she did.
"Shut up."
"Huh?" Shima asked.
He didn't realize he had said it out loud.
He and Shima were cradling Konekomaru, who had passed out from adrenaline leaving his system. Rin was gone. He had no idea where she went.
Good.
But why did he feel guilty?
Guilty and those two emotions he couldn't place.
She was unwanted.
She couldn't do anything right.
Her child was dead.
She should have been killed as a baby.
She had no right to live.
She was good for nothing.
He wanted to kill her.
She wanted to kill herself.
He started to open up to his friends.
He told them about his relationship with Rin and how stupid he was. He didn't mention the promises he made. He didn't want them to laugh. Shima looked sympathetic. He also looked like he had questions. He knew his friend wanted to know just how deep he had fallen. How far they had gone.
Konekomaru just looked like he was making up his mind.
She really was a monster. A fucking monster.
She had tried to do it. She took her sword onto the roof and moved it clean through her heart. It hurt like hell. But seconds passed.
Then a minute.
Then thirty.
Then an hour.
She did not die.
She found Konekomaru trying to leave. She didn't know how she had managed to talk him into staying in her state. The others met up with them and Suguro took his friend's bag from her. She didn't say a word to him. The others were looking at her, especially Shima and Konekomaru. She tried to muster a smile but failed completely. They pulled their attention away from her and focused on Konekomaru. Good.
As they walked by a side street she slacked behind and took the turn. She didn't belong with them. She wasn't one of them. She was a monster afterall. She wasn't like the humans.
She never had been.
He didn't notice when she was no longer with them. They retraced their steps to try and find her, but never did. They figured she went back to the dorms. The others looked relieved. They were still uncomfortable around her. They feared her.
You fear her too, idiot.
Oh yeah. He did. Because she was Satan's daughter.
So why did the thought feel wrong?
That night, he dreamed of her.
The old her. The happy her. The her that was human. The her that he was in love with. The her that he tried to make a baby with.
He dreamed of the promises they had made. The names they came up with. The places they wanted to go. How they would defeat Satan together. How they would never be apart. How they would raise their child and the others that would follow. He dreamed of it all.
He even remembered when she broke down. How she described herself. What she said about her smiles and laughter.
When he woke, he remembered the first day he seen her after her sword was fixed. She had been smiling then too.
She had been trying to mask her pain. She knew that it was over between them. Between them all. She was just trying to play the room and see if she was right.
"All my life I have had nothing but good intentions. I just want to protect everyone and everything. But whenever I do, I always seem to go overboard. It isn't like I plan to. It just happens."
Her words echoed in his head.
Of course. That day she had been trying to protect Sheimi. He had yelled at her for it. Threatened to kill her.
It was the same when she was trying to protect Konekomaru. He yelled and threatened her then too.
She looked so empty after both times. She looked empty when she stopped his friend from leaving.
Another feeling gnawed at him. This one he knew.
Guilt.
She tried again.
The first time had to be a fluke, right? She missed the heart. Or maybe the heart wasn't as important an organ as she thought. This time she impaled her head on a kitchen knife. She figured she had a better chance if she didn't unleash her powers.
But no. Her head hurt like hell, but she didn't die. She removed the knife from her head with some difficulty. It had a little bit of her brain on it.
Great. Now she was going to be even more useless.
He confided more. He told his two friends about how the two of them had been intimate. He had refrained before because he felt disgusted with himself to admit it. Now, he didn't know exactly how he felt. Those two emotions he couldn't tell what they were were mixing together in a way that made him even more confused. There was also something that had been bothering him since he had that dream.
Was he going to be a father?
She was allowed to have class with the others again. She moved her seat though. Now she sat in the vacant back corner. The others were still afraid of her, so she figured the more distance the better. Yukio had told her that she may want to pay attention to his class that day.
He hadn't spoken much to her since she miscarried. She figured he knew she didn't want to talk about it. She knew he wanted to talk about it.
She just couldn't. Not yet.
Maybe not ever.
The day that Rin returned they went over the basics of demon pregnancy in Okumura-sensei's class. He went into more depth about what could cause a miscarriage than he did the actual pregnancy.
A birth defect.
Chromosomal problems.
Mostly things that humans were known to miscarry from.
A demon's mate not wanting the baby.
The demon's mate hating the demon.
An argument with the demon's mate.
Those were all demon oriented.
Bon's blood was running cold. He felt his face go a little pale too. Without meaning to, he looked back at Rin. She looked the most withdrawn he had ever seen her. He was brought back to all the times he yelled at her. To all the times he thought of how much he hated her. And, to his own shame, to the one, brief moment he didn't want to know if she was pregnant, because he didn't want to have a baby with her.
He needed to know if she was pregnant.
She was trying not to cry. Crying would lead to either feeling better, or feeling more empty. She didn't want to feel better. She just wanted to feel nothing at all. She had tried to kill herself a few more times and nothing was working. She was doomed to actually live. It didn't matter that she was going to live alone. All that mattered was that she was alive.
When they were back in their dorm room, he told them everything. They sat and listened patiently. At the end he could tell they were surprised.
"Wow. It was that serious." Konekomaru said after he was done.
All he could do was nod.
He felt drained. He was also anxious. He needed to know.
He didn't realize he was thinking out loud.
"So talk to her." Shima told him.
Bon closed his eyes and shook his head.
"I can't."
"Why not? There is a chance that you are going to be a father. You said you need to know. I am sure she knows so just ask her."
"I can't"
"But why?"
"You are afraid, aren't you. That she lost the baby because of your feelings and her being a demon." Konekomaru answered for him.
He looked at his friend.
"You always seem to see right through me."
"Okay then… One of us will ask her." Shima said simply.
Konekomaru looked terrified at the thought. Even after everything Rin did for him, he was still terrified.
"I will just call her up and ask." He took out his phone. "It will be simple. Just sit there and don't say a word."
Bon watched as Shima called Rin, only to put the phone on speaker.
To his surprise, she answered.
Shima was calling her. Something must have been wrong.
She had been lying on her bed still trying not to cry. She hoped deep down that she had miscarried for a reason humans do. On the surface she knew that the other three, the demonic explanations, were the culprits.
He didn't want the baby. Not anymore.
He tore her down with every word he spoke.
He hated her more than anything else. Probably more than he hated Satan.
That was fine. She hated herself too.
"Hello? Shima, what is wrong? Is everything okay?"
Those were the first things she said when she answered. When had she ever answered the phone like that? It was like there couldn't be any other reason for her to be called than something was wrong. Usually she answered her phone with a "Hey! What's up?"
"Nothing is wrong. I just needed to talk to you about something." Shima told Bon's girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend.
Right?
"Oh, well that is a relief. I was worried something happened."
Her voice was so devoid of emotion, it was hard for Bon to believe that she felt anything.
"Bon told me about the two of you, and the relationship you used to have."
She was silent for so long. Shima looked a bit nervous. He glanced at him.
"I see. I didn't think he would. He wouldn't even tell anyone when we were together. I don't see why he would when we aren't."
Her voice was even more pitiful. He didn't know that a person could be so devoid of everything.
And she said that they weren't together anymore. He was right. They were broken up.
"I was surprised too. But there is something that has been bugging him. He wanted to ask you himself, but he couldn't bring himself to. I told him I would ask for him." Shima told her.
Here it was. Shima was actually going to go through with it. He was going to ask her.
She knew what the question was going to be even before Shima asked it.
"Are you pregnant?"
What she didn't know was how much it was going to hurt.
She was pregnant. That seemed like forever ago. Now she was just empty. It was horrible.
There were times when she deluded herself into thinking that she felt a faint flutter of movement. She would always find herself breaking out of her emotionless state only to remember that she had a miscarriage. Reality would come crashing down and she would be put in a deeper hole than before.
Now she had to tell Shima. Shima who really didn't need to know her shame. All because Suguro couldn't ask her himself. She wanted to get angry. She really did.
She was just too far gone.
It was a long time, even longer than the last time she remained silent, before she answered. Her response made him incapable to move. Unable to breathe.
"I was. I lost the baby."
Shima and Konekomaru were looking at him with worried expressions. Feeling like he needed to end the conversation, Shima tried to hurry things along.
"I am so sorry to hear that. I will let him know. Thank you for telling me."
"No problem. To be honest, I am surprised he wanted to know. I guess he wanted to see if he was going to have to force himself to be around me. Know what? Don't tell him that I was pregnant. Just tell him that I wasn't despite our effort."
Bon never hated himself more than he did in that moment. Shima said goodbye to Rin and hung up.
She didn't want him to know she had ever been pregnant. He could figure out why.
"That damn girl. Always trying to protect everyone." He muttered.
He was crying. His face was in his hands. He couldn't hold it back.
Even when she was a shell of herself she was trying to spare him what she was going through. She had lost a child. One that she could do nothing to save and that she probably loved dearly.
He lost a child. One that he could have saved but didn't.
He let it die.
The next day. She was in her new seat in class. She got there first since she didn't have anything better to do.
She was at an all time low. After talking to Shima on the phone she had tried and tried and tried to kill herself. Kuro had found her and begged her to stop. She didn't. Eventually her familiar realized that she wouldn't die. He left her alone with a parting glance.
Always alone.
He and his friends arrived extra early to class. They were surprised to see Rin already there. They were an entire half hour early. The three of them stood in the doorway looking at her. She was just looking down at her table. It made him hate himself even more.
After the phone call he had cried for a good hour. Knowing that he needed to get it out of his system, his friends let him cry. When he was done, they asked if he felt better.
"No. I feel like shit." Was his response.
He still felt like shit. It was his fault that his child was dead.
It had dawned on him after a few hours that she hadn't told him that she was pregnant, or that she lost baby, on her own. She had to be asked.
Was she ever going to tell him?
Someone was in front of her table. She looked up into the face of the man she had loved the most. He looked like he barely slept. Shima had probably told him about the miscarriage despite her asking him not to. Then again, Shima was Suguro's friend. Not hers. He didn't owe her anything. He was getting the truth for his friend.
She should have lied.
"Did I do something wrong again?" She asked.
He seemed surprised by her question. She looked back down at her desk.
"Of course I did. Go ahead. Yell. I know you want to. I can never do anything right. At least it worked out this time. You don't have to do anything you don't want to." She said to her desk.
He ignored her.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" he asked.
"I was going to tell you when we were in the woods."
"I mean after that. Before you lost the baby. Or even after you lost the baby. Were you going to tell me?"
"No." She whispered.
"When you promised me that you would, were you lying?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because I never wanted to drag you into this. If you went in willingly, I could fool myself into thinking it was real. That the things we said would happen. I wanted to believe it so badly, that I made promises I knew we wouldn't keep. I let you see me in ways that I never meant to. And I am sorry."
She looked up at him.
"For what?"
"For dragging you into my life."
He grabbed her by the front of her shirt.
He didn't even remember doing it. One moment they were separated and the next he was nose to nose with her with his hand tangled in her shirt.
"Bon!" Shima and Konekomaru yelled, worried for him.
"Not good? Well then I am sorry I messed everything up. I should have seen this coming. I always mess everything up."
"Shut up." He whispered.
"Why? It's true."
"Like hell it is! You didn't do anything wrong. I ruined everything. It is my fault we're over. It is my fault you are like this. And it is my fault our child is dead! Stop telling yourself that it is all your fault. You were nothing but perfect. I am the one who destroyed everything."
He let her down.
He was crying again. She pulled out a hankie and handed it to him.
"You are too hard on yourself. Of course nothing is your fault. I led you on. I let you impregnate me out of selfishness. If I had been honest with you, none of this would have happened. So again. I am sorry. I let you love me even though I knew the end result. I just didn't know the baby would die."
With that she walked out out the classroom as others were walking in.
She didn't return for classes.
She was trying it again. She knew it wouldn't be any good. But she had to try. She was on the roof of her dorm again. Her sword was through her heart and out her back.
She embraced the pain.
She heard a sound and assumed it was Kuro. The door to the roof opened and to her surprise Suguro walked though. He was alone. She figured Shima and Konekomaru didn't want to spend more time with her than they had to.
When he saw her, he was shocked. Utterly shocked. She could see it on her face.
It was nice to see that one of them could still feel. She has felt numb for so long, she forgot what everything other than pain felt.
He ran to her and removed the sword from her chest. The wound slowly closed as it always did. He stared down at the sword.
"Why?" He asked, his voice hoarse.
Why indeed.
"I don't know. No matter how many times I try, I just won't die. Sorry, but I tried. You are welcome to try. I know you must be dying for the chance."
He slapped her. That was not what he meant. Why has she been like this. If she blamed him for the miscarriage, all she had to do was say. She didn't have to keep dicking him around.
"Stop that. You have been like this since I found out. Stop. Why have you been trying to kill yourself? Do you really want to die that badly? Is everything really that bad?"
She looked at him. Really looked at him. He did the same and he realized just how far gone she was.
"Yeah, everything really is that bad. You don't know what it has been like. I-" She stopped herself.
"You what?"
"Nothing. Nevermind."
"No, what is it?"
She ignored him. With some effort, she went back to old tactics.
She smiled for the first time in forever. It looked real enough, but was fake. It was just like that day. It made him wonder.
Did he ever see her real smile?
Smiling ripped the last part of her heart out. She was making him worry. He was going through hell. She didn't want that for him. If it would make things better for him, she would smile.
Even if it killed her.
"Stop." He told her,
She laughed a real sounding laugh.
"Stop what? Suguro? I know I made you worry. I'm sorry. I am fine now so you can just go back to the way you were before. Just forget any of this happened, alright?"
"No. Stop hiding what you are feeling. And don't call me Suguro. You never call me that. Never. Call me either Bon or Ryuji."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"It would mean that we are closer than we are. It is improper."
"We have had sex. We were going to have a child together-"
"No. I was going to have a child. You just helped with that."
"No, we-"
"Sister! Get ready for your appointment! It is almost time for us to go!" Yukio yelled from somewhere outside.
They both walked over to the ledge and saw her brother looking up at the roof.
"Appointment?" He asked.
"It is a check up after the miscarriage."
"Oh."
She left him alone on the roof. He then started to understand one of the emotions he didn't understand.
He missed her and the way they used to be.
The doctor was doing an ultrasound. It seemed cruel to her. He was showing her how empty she was. How worthless.
There was a blob.
The doctor pointed it out and seemed surprised himself. He turned the volume on the monitor up and a heartbeat filled the air.
It was slow and faint.
The baby was barely hanging on.
"Most likely you were carrying twins. The weaker one miscarried while the stronger one, the one with more demon blood most likely, managed to survive. Miss Okumura, you are still pregnant." The doctor said.
She cried.
She cried. And cried. And cried.
Her appointment wrapped up. The doctor printed pictures for her and she held onto them as she bawled her heart out. She was still going to be a mother. She wasn't going to be alone.
Her happy tears turned to those of guilt and self hatred. She had tried to kill herself. If she had been successful, she would have killed her baby.
Her baby.
She had to tell Suguro.
She called him that night.
He had been sitting at his desk failing to do any of his homework. She broke him. He was starting to become hollow like her.
Then she called him and told her the news. It revitalized him.
"Are you positive? There is still one baby alive?"
This caught Shima and Konekomaru's attention. They looked at each other and at him.
"Yes. I heard the heartbeat and everything but…"
Oh no.
"It is faint. I wasn't going to tell you but I need a favor from you."
She wasn't going to tell him.
He started to deflate a bit.
"What is it?"
His friends noticed the change. They gave him questioning glances.
"I… I can't lose this baby too. It is already barely hanging in there. I just… I wanted to ask you to-"
"Not do what caused to miscarriage in the first place. I don't want to lose this one either. I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen."
"You don't have to go out of your way. The doctor said that it probably has more demon blood than the other one. In other words, it is going to be like me. And I am like my father so-"
"No you aren't. Stop thinking like that. I should have realized it sooner. You are nothing like Satan. You are every bit like you."
"You're right. Satan isn't a mess up or a mistake." He wanted to argue. "Just please don't do anything that might cause the baby to die. I can't go through that again."
She hung up.
Her words bothered him. He got up and got ready to leave.
"Where are you going?" Konekomaru asked.
"To see Rin. She hung up before I could say what I had to."
He was at her dorm.
The moment he saw her, he took her by the hand and lead her to the room they usually used to be together. It was in a spot Yukio would never go to. That is what made it perfect. Her brother never would discover them. They were free to do as they pleased.
He entered first and she followed. She used her tail to close the door and Suguro faced her.
"You are not a mess up, and you are not a mistake. I am the mess up. I had the perfect relationship and I threw it away because of something you can't control. Not only that, but I broke my promises and your heart. I basically killed our child and I made you feel like shit. I never deserved someone as kind hearted as you are. Even when you are depressed all you care about is others. I am sorry I didn't see that.
"I have a second chance here and I am begging you to let me erase all of the needless pain. Let me be around for my child. We made it out of love. Let love make it prosper. It is weak because our connection is weak. Let's strengthen our bond. It may never be what it as before, but we can try."
"Why bother? Just so I can lose everything agian? I can't. I just can't."
"You will never lose me again."
"Yes I will. It is like my curse. I am to always be alone."
He wasn't getting through to her.
she was starting to revert back to how she had been. The life of their child had revived her a bit. She was still in the ditch. How could he get her out of the ditch?
He identified the ofther feeling.
Loss.
He was at his witt's end. She knew this. It was like the effect of learning of their other child had made him into who he had been before he learned to truth. Slowly he was returning to the man who had left her. The man who hated her.
He put his arms around her.
She stared at his chest in surprise. She expected many things from him, but this was not one of them.
"I don't care what you think. But our baby needs us to be going strong. You asked me to not do what I did that killed its twin. Well, I am doing what you asked."
"I said for you not to go out of your way."
"It isn't out of my way. I miss you. Just having you in my arms again is like coming home. Will you let me in?"
He made a move on her.
He didn't know how else to express his feelings in a way she would understand.
He made love to her slowly and deeply. Partway through she had started to cry. He hoped that they were good tears.
He needed them to be good tears.
She was so confused. She didn't know why he was doing this. He didn't have to. But the way he was treating her. It was like he was trying to prove all her feelings wrong. He was doing a damned good job. She was doubting everything they had been through since the woods.
Maybe what they had before was real, and everything else had been fake.
No. She had it right the first time. He would leave her again. She had no more secrets from him, but he would leave like he did before. She was still a time bomb. The only reason she had been allowed back in class was because she was too numb to do anything with her flames. Now that she was starting to feel again, she would be removed from them again.
Maybe it was for the best.
He played with her tail as he moved. She seemed to like it. It made her reactions move prominant. He had heard somewhere that a demon's tail was sensitive. He had wanted to test that for himself.
It was probably what she had been hiding from him before.
She had let him remove her shirt completely for the first time. It was like she had nothing else to hide. He liked that. She was finally being honest.
He was being honest too.
When it was over, she was still crying.
She was sitting up while he lay to calm down a bit. he was looking at her though. He was seeing what she would do next. He put a hand on her bare back.
"Hey, come on. What is going through that beautiful head of yours?" He asked.
She didn't know how to respond. What was she thinking? So many things were going through her thoughts. she didn't answer him. He sat up and puut his arms around her again.
Why was she still crying.
A while passed before she stopped crying.
He never got an answer to his question and it worried him. What was she thinking? Did she still not believe his intentions were true?
"I know you are still afraid of me. You don't have to push yourself so damn hard. You are still only a person. I don't know exactly what it is you are trying to prove, but you don't have to do anything."
It all went right passed her.
"I am not trying to prove anything, and I am not afraid of you. While you have been feeling nothing, I have been feeling way too much. I hated not knowing what I was feeling. Now I do. I missed you like crazy. i also felt the loss of what we had. I just want to go back to how we were. i want our promises to mean something. You may have never thought they would come true, but I did. And I do. I want to raise Akura or May or Kendal or whatever name we choose. I want to defeat Satan together and rebuild my temple with you. I want to do it all. Even if I have to drag you along with me."
Especially if he had to drag her along with him.
She wanted to believe in his words. She really did. But she knew better. Along the way he would leave her. Her and the baby. Something would happen and she would lose him all over again.
But her baby needed this. It needed them to be good. For them to be strong.
She agreed.
She knew he could tell that something was still off about her. It was in the way they were looking at each other. Determination shone in his eyes. He pushed her down and rolled on top of her.
If this is what they had to do for the baby, then so be it.
She was still doubting him.
Days had passed and they had resumed their relationship. It was like he was the only one trying for them, why she was trying for the baby. And maybe that was the case. Maybe she just needed to focus on getting through the pregnancy first. That was fine with him. After the child is born he will continue with his goals. She would see eventually. Like he had seen.
He had told his friends all about the news.
He didn't mention just how low she was, just that she was returning to normal. This seemed to worry them. He knew why. The old Rin ment her old use of her flames. She was going to be unpredictable again. He would watch out for her though. He wasn't sure she could be killed by the Vatican. He hoped not. He couldn't be without her.
They were being put on trial.
Yukio had told them about the one child still being alive. She forgot all about him during her ruinion with feelings. She and Sug- Bon were on trial for having a child. A child that would be the grandchild of Satan.
They were torn.
Half of the Vatican wanted to kill the baby now. The other half wanted to wait it out, see how Rin turned out.
Mephisto spoke in their reminded them that the baby would only be about a quarter demon. A quarter Satan's grandchild. Afterall, demonic blood is what mattered to them. They could care less about anything else.
They let them keep the baby for now.
He was so relieved it wasn't even funny.
After the rulling and they were back on the street he hugged her for what felt like forever. Mephisto ended up getting him to stop.
"You too have been busy." He said with a smirk.
Bon thanked him. Rin was crying. He had seen her cry so many times these past few days. It was like she never cried before recently. It was good though. It meant that she was feeling again.
He told Shima and Konekomaru the results of the trial. They were happy for him. They still had concerns, but they were happy that their friend was happy. They didn't think that him having a child, least of all one related to Satan, was the best idea. It was like Bon didn't know what he was getting himself into.
They reminded him.
He didn't care.
Yukio had finally had enough of not talking about it.
She sat in their dorm with her hand over her stomach while he ranted. He made it sould all about him, and the order, and those around them. He even brought Father Fujimoto into it. She had disappointed them all. She was risking their lives. She made him have to go against what he believed in.
She knew that last one wasn't true. He had very easily turned them in. It was like he couldn't wait to get it over with. If it destroyed her, then oh well. She deserved it. She wasn't allowed to have a child. A family. She was supposed to be alone forever.
She found herself in the hole again.
She was depressed again. He didn't understand it. He thought she was doing better.
She walked into class with her brother just it was time for class to start. She went to her now usual seat and looked down. Her brother looked at her, and looked pleased with himself.
What the hell did he do?
"Nothing."
That was her answer.
He had asked her what Okumura-sensei had done to make her depressed again. It was supposed to be a happy time. They won! They weren't going to have to get rid of their child!
So what had their teacher, her brother, done to make this happy time depressing?
"Nothing."
He asked Yukio himself. He needed to know. His friends had tried to sober him up a little bit after the trial too. Difference is that he wasn't on the verge of depression. Nor was he hormonal from pregnancy. Rin was both.
"The truth. She was stupid. You were too, but you didn't know the true implications of what you had done. She did. I just pointed out what she didn't think about when she was oh so lovey dovey with you making a demon child."
"Do you even care about her?"
"What?"
"Do you. Even. Care about. Her?"
"She is my sister. Of course I care about her. I am trying to protect her."
"Really? Because it seems like you are trying to protect yourself. She has been so depressed since the wood incident that she tried to kill herself. She lost a child. She was at an all time low. Then things start looking up and she gets a bit of herself back. Then you go and revert her back to her depressed state. I doubt she will try tokill herself since she is pregnant, but she probably feels just as bad as she had before. The only reason she was herself again was because she had to for her child. She still feels worthless. She didn't need you making her feel worse."
He got punched.
Yukio left before he could do anything in return.
Rin was right. Beside from him and the baby, she was alone.
No. To her, despite him and the baby she was alone.
Her brother returned to the dorms angrily. He had found her on the roof with candles. In her depressed state, she couldn't even muster her flames. It had been like this for a while. He watched her not light the candles for a while before leaving her. He probably had to tell the Vatican that she was making the opposite of progress.
Bon came to visit her. She didn't realize when she had started to call him Bon again. It sort of happened around the time when she told him about the other baby.
"What happened to your face?" She asked him.
"Your brother punched me."
"Why did he do that?"
"I confronted him about whatever it was he said to you that upset you. he didn't like that I was right so he hit me."
"I told you nothing happened between my brother and I."
"Yeah well, your brother said otherwise. He wasn't exactly squealing everything that he said to, but he didn't have to. He hurt you. That was all that mattered to me. Too bad he left before I could hit him back. I would have loved that."
She shook her head.
"What am I ever going to do with you?"
"Let me love you and never let you go."
They were in the usual room. They were sitting next to each other just talking. He was filling her in about this girl that Shima was trying to get to go out with him. She listened while looking at her lap. He made her look at him.
"What can I do to make you feel again?" He asked.
She didn't know.
He talked of the future. He wanted to let her know of the plans he had for them and their child.
He talked of the past. He wanted to let her know of the pain he was feeling after the forest. How lost he felt without her. He told her about her phone call with Shima and how the phone was on speaker.
"I should have lied."
"I am glad you didn't. I needed the truth. I know it hurt you to say, but I am glad you told him. I don't know what I would have done if I found out you lied to me."
"You would have been fine. You are a trooper. You can get through anything."
"So can you."
"No, I can't. I tried to kill myself. That is the opposite of being a trooper."
"So you had no choice but to get through it. Doesn't matter. You still did. And you will get through this bout of unhappiness. I know you can. Just think of the baby. Let it help you get through the tough times. When that doesn't help, think of me. I know you don't believe me, but I really do love you. That hasn't changed. I really did miss you. I thought I had lost you forever."
"How can you love me?" She whispered.
She was looking down again. Tears were in her eyes.
"I love how much you care about everyone, even people you never met. I love how you are always trying to save everyone, even if you don't always have the best way of doing so. I love how you don't let anyone tell you what is right. You decide for yourself. I love how you sacrefice yourself for others, without concidering what may happen to you. I love how fearless you can seem. To be honest, I wish I could be brave like you. I wish I could trade places with you. Not only to take the pain, but also so I can feel like I can help anyone the way you can."
This seemed to break through her shell. She leaped into his arms and cried.
"Ryuji!" She bawled.
"I am here. I am here. And I am never going away again."
They started like a lit match which was used to light a bonfire. The cold came and only left burning embers. The embers were then used to set fire to the Earth.