Lost and Delirious.

Disclaimer: Characters, settings and backstory belong to Susan Swan and the creators of Lost and Delirious. Only the random placement of words is my own.

Rated: K (warning for themes of suicide and lesbianism).

Reviews: Always welcome.

Summary: Tori's thoughts after Paulie's death.

Author's Note: Just finished watching the movie (which is brilliant) and felt that I wanted to add something to the story. Tell me what you think.

And then she fell. Slid, plummeted down, down, down. She had fallen from that cloud we'd shared above everyone else, weeks ago. But until that moment she had clung to the air with wings that were not her own. The thought of being a raptor had kept her afloat, until she realised it was time to punish me for my sins.

You were a true raptor, P. I wish I had your courage. Then there would be no dirt surrounding your body now; then we would be floating, flying, together.

I thought I'd die without you, P, but I was wrong. You died first. Now all I've got left to do is wither. I almost joined you, you know. I went dancing on the roof the night they put you in the ground. I sware Miss Vaughn told Mouse to keep an eye on me just in case. But then again, Mary B knows better than anyone what it's best to do.

It was up there, swirling around, dizzy, ready to twirl off the edge of the wisp of cloud I still clung to, where I remembered you from before. The Paulie I first met three years ago who would recite Shakespere in her sleep. I remember the night I spent at home when Grandma died, where the only way I could relax was when I read Romeo and Juliet until I fell asleep. The poor book got crushed because of it.

I could feel Mary B's shadow sitting on the ledge somewhere behind me. She was happy to just let me be. She knew my heart better than she knew yours. The tears started when I thought of the first time we kissed. How you convinced me to take a short cut with you on the cross country run. How I fell over that stupid log and twisted my ankle. You stayed with me until dark, until I could put preasure on my foot. You half caried me back to school and up into our dorm. You put me in my bed, pulled the covers up and leaned in without a second thought.

Did you plan it that way, P? Or did you just get caught up in the dark?

I used to always joke that we were the 'lost girls'. But you were always Peter. You, with your fencing and fighting (yes, Mary told me about Jake!) and wanting to fly. And now you'll never ever grow up. You'll stay lost forever in Neverland.

I can't help but fall to the ground. Mouse is there though, I didn't even hear her move. She catches me and holds me tight in the moonlight. She doesn't say a thing. I think she knows the only thing that would comfort me now is your voice. While you were so busy turning into your raptor, our little Mouse grew into a tiger. Why I was never strong like you two or the hawk, I'll never know.

As if she can hear my thoughts, Mary B opens her mouth and lets out the call she heard you use so many times. He came slowly, but he came. And in the raptor's feathers, was your soul. You're free to fly now, on the back of the hawk. I run my fingers through the soft down of his breast, then let my hand drop.

I had to let him go, and you with it, so I did. I told Mouse to let him go and she threw the hawk into the night.

I came back the next morning. I don't know what it was but something drew me back, forced me to go up there once more.

It was on one of the ledges where I found it. A single brown feather. It had all the colours of your hawk in it but if I held it tight, you were there too. I don't know if you forgave me and left this gift on purpose, or if it was a pure accident. Either way, I'll treasure it forever as I treasure your face. Forever can never ever be for us. Because I failed forever. You held onto forever. You were always stronger P.

I'll see you again some time, my love. And then we can see about forever.