When I started writing in the Lost fandom way back in 2005 I never thought in a million years that I would end up here. A big thank you definitely has to go out to all my loyal readers - some of you have been reading and reviewing my stuff from the very beginning and for that I am truly thankful. Words cannot express my amazement at the incredible support, all the constructive criticism - just everything. I never would have written half the amount of fic if you guys hadn't been there poking me to write sequels and giving me plot bunnies. So, to anyone who has ever read or reviewed on of my fics? thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you (I really can't say it enough) thank you thank you thank you.
Title: Dedicated to the One I Love
Rating/warnings: PG, implied character death
Genre: future fic, flangst, tragedy
Character/s: predominantly Claire with mentions of Hurley, Desmond, Penny and a snotty book publisher
Spoilers: up to the end of season three
Summary: Claire has always written more about her feelings for Charlie in her diary than she ever admitted out loud. After she is rescued, she sets about transcribing her diary and getting it published in order to preserve his memory forever.
Disclaimer: I have now written and posted one hundred Lost fanfictions. ONE HUNDRED OF THE BLOODY THINGS. And I still do not own the franchise even in part. So please, please, please do not sue me? Yes? Oh and also, the title of this fic comes from a song by The Mama's and the Papa's.
I dedicate this, my 100th Lost fanfiction, to Charlie Hieronymus Pace.
Without him, I never would have gotten to this point – 100 Lost fanfictions to my name and the chance to immortalise him, his life, death, trials, sufferings and his greatest moments forever in my words. In saying that, I feel I must also dedicate this in part to one Dominic Bernard Patrick Luke Monaghan for bringing the character of Charlie to life so vividly (and also for giving me a chance to fangirl over somebody every week XP).
In dedicating this fic thusly, I show my sincerest and most heartfelt thanks to both Charlie and Dom for inspiring me so much and for so long. I hope to continue to tell your story for a long time yet Mr Pace – and I certainly intend to fangirl over Dom for just as long!
All my love, Ellin/sapph
18/06/2007
It all started as a rather unremarkable little book filled with equally unremarkable lined paper sitting on a slightly crooked shelf in a tiny newsagency on the corner of a street in Sydney. Claire added the bookmark herself after she'd bought it – she chose the beads in a craft shop and hung them from the corner of it in order to make the book infinitely hers. Thomas had admired her handiwork when she showed it to him and then never shown any interest in it again.
In it she was to write down her hopes, her insecurities, her dreams, her sorrows.
Claire never dreamed that first day when she opened her diary to the first blank page and wrote her first entry in it that her worries would soon be changing from boyfriends, psychics and raging female hormones to plane crashes, drug addicts, crazy Frenchwomen and strangely selective branches of amnesia.
On that note, she also never would have thought that one day she would be sitting up at 2am in front of a laptop, pages of scribbled notes and half-full coffee mugs littering her desk, her eyes burning with tiredness as she meticulously transcribed every single word from the moisture buckled pages of the small book…
I really feel like this is the sort of relationship that could really, you know, last for a long time...
I think I'm pregnant. I think I'm pregnant and I haven't even told Thomas yet...
We're going to give this a go – he said we could make it work and I'm starting to get excited at the idea of starting a family with him…
Thomas has left me. He got scared and he left me and now I don't know what to do. Oh God…
I've decided to give the baby up for adoption…
Malkin gave me a plane ticket to Los Angeles. I'm flying out tomorrow to meet some couple there. God, I must be absolutely off my bloody rocker…
I can hardly believe what's happened or how I survived but…well the plane I was on? It crashed. It bloody crashed on an island in the South Pacific somewhere and a whole bunch of us survived (I'm not sure how) and now we're waiting to be rescued…
I met this guy last night. He said his name was Charlie I think – I'm so bad with remembering names! Anyway, he came and chatted to me when I was sitting at the fire and he gave me a blanket and…
Nobody really talks to me here…
he camp ran out of water yesterday and I actually ended up passing out from the heat. I felt awful all day, dizzy and sick, but then Charlie came and he brought me a bit of water and we had the nicest afternoon together…
Today I realized that I really like Charlie. There's something about him that's just so adorable and sweet. Even in a scary place like this, Charlie makes me feel safe…
Oh my God you will not believe what happened today! Charlie came down to the beach with some water this morning and he was helping me with my washing and somehow we got talking about stuff we missed from home and I said that I missed peanut butter and so he promised me he'd find me some if I promised that I'd move up to the caves where it was safe! How sweet is he? I totally didn't believe he'd be able to find any (who would have peanut butter on a plane?) but anyways, he went away for ages to look and I read for a bit and had a nap and when I woke up he was packing my stuff and when I asked him for the peanut butter he pulls out this empty glass jar and he pretended like it was full of peanut butter! He looked so cute and you should've seen his smile when I tried some of it…
I've been having these dreams that somebody's after my baby and nobody seems to believe me except Charlie. Even Jack thinks I'm just overtired but I know that somebody's trying to hurt my baby and I really don't know what I can do to convince him anymore…
This is the first time I'm writing in here since I got back from…wherever I was. So apparently the plane I was on crashed and there's this guy, Charlie, he keeps hanging around, trying to look after me, take care of me and stuff. He shot someone today – a man called Ethan. And as scared as I am that somebody would… well, kill for me, I still feel like I want to trust him somehow…
I think the baby's coming soon. Jack reckons it's only a matter of days but nobody's really sure what the actual date is anyway. John made me a cradle yesterday but it still doesn't feel real you know? I can't believe that any minute now I'm going to be a mum…
The Frenchwoman stole my baby – I named him Aaron – but Charlie got him back for me. He got him back for me and I was so relieved I swear I could have kissed him. Maybe I should have…
"It's a fantastic story. You've got mystery and romance but there's also action and adventure and all that good stuff to keep the readers going…"
"Thank you."
"Personally, I read it all cover to cover within the day – I mean, I am a fast reader but that's beside the point. There's just one little bit that I'm afraid I didn't enjoy…"
"Which bit?"
"The ending – before you come back to the mainland. It just doesn't seem right that the hero should die in vain because he thinks that he's saving his lady love."
"Well I'm sorry but that's what happened. I'm not changing the ending because you don't like it. That is what happened and if you think it should be changed then I guess I'll go and find somebody else to publish my book."
"Miss Littleton…"
"I prefer Mrs Pace actually."
"Yes I suppose you do but legally you cannot actually marry a man after he's already dead so if you'll excuse me for saying so Miss Littleton, today's readers aren't looking for tales that end with tragic plot twists. It leaves them on a low note and they come away feeling empty and hollow and…"
"Good. Then they'll know how I felt when the man I loved drowned."
"Miss Littleton…"
"Mrs Pace."
"Yes, yes okay. Look, would you just hear me out? I've been publishing books for almost twenty years now and I can tell you, from my own personal experience that people want resolutions. They want to be able to finish a book and put it down and say 'wow what a fantastic ending and I'm so glad that they both made it out alive and raised fifteen kids together even though we thought they wouldn't ever make it through'. People love a fairytale ending and I gotta tell you – they'll be expecting it. Especially from a story with such content as this one…"
"I'm sorry, what do you mean 'A story with content like this'?"
"Well, you know. It's a classic romance. The secluded island, boy meets girl..."
"Did it ever occur to you that maybe the world needs to learn that not everyone gets a fairytale ending? That sometimes love doesn't conquer all?"
"Miss…"
"No. I'm sorry. Look I understand where you're coming from – I really do. What you're saying, basically, is that if I tweaked the ending a bit so that everything turned out lollipops and rainbows then my book would probably sell better. Hell I might even make it into the top hundred books in the Amazon rankings or something exciting like that. But you've got to understand that by changing the ending of my own diary, my own autobiography – because that's really what it is – I would be cheapening the sacrifice that Charlie made for me and my son and frankly, I think it would be a supreme insult to his memory.
"So if you're not going to publish my book verbatim, the way I would like it to be published, then I'm afraid that I'm going to have to take my business elsewhere. Have a nice day."
From: Hugo Reyes
To: Claire Pace
Subject: RE: stupid book publishing guys
Date: Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:32:09
Yo,
Just got youre email today and I totally get why you couldn't go through with it. They cant just cut big chunks out of your book wherever they like thats not fair to you and its not fair to Charlies memory like you said. If the worlds gonna hear youre story they have to hear it properly and youre rite, you SHOULD totally be pissed at thos publisher dudes.
You wanted to know if Id still publish your book and the answer is duh of cours. Might as well put all my money to a good cause right? I was looking at heading over to Sydney to catch up with some buysiness stuff and I was gonna catch up with you guys to if I could. Ill try for mid next week and I'll bring all my lawyers and crap and well sit down and see what we can do.
Hang in there,
Hurley
PS dont know if Id be any good at writing a foreword or whatever but Ill try and do something. Youll spel check it for me first before we publish it though rite?
From: Claire Pace
To: Hugo Reyes
Subject: stupid book publishing guys
Date: Wed, 13 Jan 2010 14:14:24
Dear Hurley,
I finally finished the final draft of my book and so
I got the manuscript ready and everything and sent
it out to a whole bunch of publishers. Only trouble
was that every single one (that didn't reject me) wanted
me to change the ending! What the hell is up with
that? I'm that angry I could STRANGLE someone
- I really could! They all keep saying "oh, people
want happy endings blah blah" but hello! It's an
autobiography based on my own diary! HOW THE
HELL AM I MEANT TO CHANGE THE ENDING?! It's
like going back in time and asking Anne Frank to
change the ending to HER diary so that they all
ended up happily ever after and didn't get executed
by the Germans blah blah blah. Ugh. I am just SO
angry! Do they expect me to tell everyone that
Charlie didn't really die? That we're now happily
married and live together in a secluded little house
near Bondi and he's got a successful career as a
recording artist and I write children's books in my
spare time?
I couldn't do that. I can't, and I won't. I can't
pretend that he's not still out there in the ocean
somewhere, lost forever because of me.
Sorry, had to take a break to get a tissue – my
nose is running now. It always seems to do that
when I get upset or angry. I really didn't mean
for this to turn into some massive rant about
publishers and how much they suck – sorry.
What I really meant this email to be about
is, I remember you said ages and ages ago
now, when I first started transcribing my
diary onto my laptop (thanks again for buying that
for me btw – it's been an absolute godsend)
that if I couldn't find anyone to publish it that
you'd have a go at it. I know you're not, you
know, a book publisher by trade or anything
, but it would mean so much to me if I knew
that I could get this book out there and you
might not have the skills base but you've
certainly got the means to make it happen. I
just want the world to REMEMBER Charlie. And
not just as some womanising, heroin addicted
, member of a crappy band – but as the guy I
knew and loved, the guy who looked after Aaron
like he was his own son and went fishing with
you and all of that. I've been unable to write
about it for so many years and it seems unfair
that now I feel like I can finally do his story
justice nobody wants to bloody well publish it!
If you don't want to I'll understand – but I
figured out of everyone, you'd be the best person
to talk to about this. I mean, Charlie was one of
your best friends on the island. You could probably
even write a foreword or something at the beginning
if you wanted to – I think he'd like that.
I hope that you're well, tell your mum I said hello
and that I've been trying some of the stuff out
from the recipe book she gave me for Christmas.
Love Claire
http://img503.imageshack.us/img503/189/dedicatedbook04resizetc6.gif
9th December 2010
Dear Claire,
I received the signed copy of your book in the mail yesterday and I thought that I had better write to thank you for thinking to send it to me. I remember you saying that you were going to send an advance copy to all of the survivors who made it back but I certainly wasn't aware that I was going to get a lovely personalised letter with mine! You just about had me in tears by the end of the letter – let alone the damned book (which by the way I finished within the day).
You know it's funny, a lot of the events you described in your entries in the days immediately after the crash I found amongst the most poignant (however everyday those events may have been). I guess knowing how the story ends was a contributing factor in that – especially when you talked about Charlie and the sweetness you shared in the early days of your friendship. The peanut butter gag made me laugh out loud. He certainly was a man of creative means was your Charlie. And I had no idea that you were pregnant when you crashed either! I guess that shows just how much I never really knew about you.
Pen's reading it now, she's horrendously hormonal at the moment (she's just coming up for eight months herself!) and crying bucket loads the further she reads. I actually had to go out and buy another few boxes of tissues for her because we ran out so she was using a tea towel which was making her poor nose all red and swollen.
Once Penny's finished reading it I've decided that it's going to take up residence on my bookshelf in pride of place, right next to all of my Dickens novels. This is quite honestly the highest praise you could get from me because (as you are well aware) I revere Mr Charles Dickens work with something very close to supreme awe.
I think your book is simply marvellous – truly remarkable and I'm so very pleased that you've managed to get it published. Charlie's story needed to be told and you've done such a wonderful job of it – at the same time ensuring that he will not ever be forgotten for as long as books are read and enjoyed. I know he'd be very happy with it – and I'm sure he would have had a good chuckle over Hurley's foreword as well (I certainly did).
As always I send my sincerest condolences as we approach the sixth anniversary of his death. I still think of him often and fondly – as I'm certain you and Aaron do as well. And speaking of Aaron – how is the bairn? I haven't seen the two of you in such a very long time (more than a year now I believe – how times flies!) I don't suppose you've got a recent photograph you wouldn't mind parting with? Pen is nagging me for one with the promise that she'll send you a photograph of us with our little one the moment it's born.
I hope this letter finds you and Aaron both well, (Pen says to send her love and condolences as well)
Fond regards,
Desmond
This book is dedicated to the passengers and employees on Oceanic Flight 815, and also to the family and friends of all those who lived and died after the crash of the aforementioned plane on September 22nd 2004.
But most of all – this book is dedicated to Charlie. You lived, you laughed, you loved – and now your memory will live on forever through my words.
I love you.