I want to say that I miss what we had, but did we really have anything?

I want to say that I remember the taste of your lips, but I never got the chance to kiss you.

And I dream of the kiss we never had. I dream of it with such deep sorrow, my heavy heart aches to feel your lips touch mine. Or just to feel your comforting breath on my cheek.

I don't know if I should call them dreams or nightmares, for I wake up and my hair is stuck to my face, my breathing is ragged and I feel like I've been thrown off a cliff. You know like, when you dream you are falling, and you wake up with a jolt? Yeah. Like that.

I sometimes have to clutch my chest to try and feel something that's not my yearning for you. Any tiny bit of attention I get from you is more than I deserve and less than I want.

Because I want nothing more for you to love me like I love you and you don't love me.

I love you and you don't love me.

You don't love me.

You don't love.

You.

See? You are all I can think about.

Fuck you.

Or at least, I want to. I want to trace the outline of your face with my fingertips. I'd give anything to run my hands along your stomach as I give in to you. To see all of you, raw and real, lust written in your eyes like stars. I'd give anything. I really would.

I've thought about the night that won't ever happen more than I would like to admit. It would have been a fumble of skin and hands in secret places, a tangle of lips crashing together. It would have been a giggle against your mouth when I tell you I've never done this before. And calmly, ever so calmly you would have said to me that I was doing fine, and not to worry, because you've got me. You would have been gentle, and you would have made sure I was okay the whole time, and you'd pause just for a moment when I looked like I was hurting, even though I insisted I wasn't. I think about it so often that sometimes I forget it's not real. I forget that we haven't kissed. I don't know how you've done this to me. How you captured the deepest parts of my soul and set them on fire and I can't figure out how to subdue the flames.

The thing is, you didn't have me at hello. You had me after late nights when we'd stay up just to talk to each other. You had me after telling me I had no competition (when I did). You had me when you called me gorgeous, not just to describe me, you called me that like it was my name. I know, I know you probably didn't mean it, or you probably don't remember, but when you called me that, that was the night I knew I had fallen. That was the night I screamed into my pillow because I had no other way to get the bubble of excitement out of my stomach.

You had me before I met you. Then when I met you, God, my heart was fucking pounding and I looked horrible and I didn't care because you were so God damn easy to be around, and you already knew everything about me. You were so much more beautiful in person. And you hugged me, it lasted longer than I expected, a bit too long to be friendly, but much shorter than I had wanted. Your arms wrapped the whole way around my body and your fingers grazed my waste, I can still feel it. We were near each other, talking to different people but I couldn't stop watching you, the way your lips lightly touched the cigarette as the smoke filled your lungs. You inhaled and exhaled and at that moment I wanted to be that cigarette between your teeth. I wanted to be that smoke, inside you, so close to your heart. I wanted to be your poison. But sadly, you are mine.

I can remember the promises you made me. "You always have me, I promise." "I'm here for you, I promise." Bull fucking shit. Because right now I need you more than ever and you aren't here.

I remember when I told you that I thought love was beautiful, and that you said "Gee, I wish I could see love the way you do." and I said, "Why don't you?"

"A lot of pain and heartbreak" you told me.

Well now, we both see love the same way alright. You got your wish. Because all I'm feeling is a lot of pain and heartbreak. Which is funny you know, because when you said that, I thought to myself, you poor darling, you have no idea how beautiful love is, let me show you. I did show you too, but you didn't want to look. It burnt your eyes. And now my eyes are stinging from all of these fucking tears so thank you very much.

God, I liked you so much better when I wasn't in love with you.