In the film, New Moon, while Bella grieves for the Cullen family, she emails Alice, do these emails shed a light on Bella's pain or will they obscure us from Bella's real pain; losing a family as well as her soul mate.
Alice,
You're gone. Life goes on and it gets worse every day, the pain is the only thing that lets me know you really were ever here, it's never ending and it isn't him that I only miss. I miss Emmett and his bear hugs, I miss Jasper's secretive waves of calm and I miss you.
Alice you are my best friend and I miss you more than ever, I will always think of you more of a sister in arms than anything else.
I miss you.
Bella Xxx
Alice,
Time goes by and the pain doesn't cease, you haven't replied so I assume you have shut down the email address. I'll carry on writing and then maybe you will see I never hated any of you; especially Jasper. I understand Jasper will apologize and feel guilty maybe for a long time, but it wasn't his fault. It was just unfortunate that I would cut myself and it is unfortunate that he had to bear everyone's thirst as well as his own. Tell him not to worry and that I understand completely.
I hope you are ok Alice. I wonder if you are marrying jasper again or trying to find out about your family. I bet they had black hair and an inquisitive nature, they loved you Alice; I bet you they did. I mean who couldn't love your compassionate nature, your quirky gift and your ability to make anyone happy.
I still work at the sport shop (Newton's), Mike asked me to go and see a film with him, soon after he split from Jessica. I said no. Charlie thinks i need to move on and see a shrink, but what if I don't want to move on?
Work is slow though in the New Year work will probably pick up. I don't know. I don't like sport; that much you should know!
Bella Xxx
Alice,
School is dull, it's monotonous and drab. The days go by as normal and I miss him and the nightmares are still here, following my lack of control over my life and it killing Charlie.
He tried to make me go to Florida and I wouldn't go. I threw a tantrum which, I have never done in my entire life. I think I was as shocked as Charlie and Renee.
Did he ever love me Alice? Was I his toy, playing with my heart every time he whispered he loved me? Did he? I love him Alice, after everything. He is all I ever want and need, but I am not what he wants, I love him enough to hope he is fine and finds someone he wants, I still wish it was me.
What would you do Alice, if Jasper left you? Would you run after him, begging for him to come back to you? Or would you leave him to it, wanting him to be happy?
And what if you didn't have the strength to run after him, to call for him I come back, then what? Would you wait for him, wishing, hoping for him to come back? See Alice, what do you do if you love someone, who just doesn't want or love you?
Bella Xxx
Alice,
I made stroganoff today; maybe one day if you were with me I would cook it for you, thats if you ate stroganoff. Ha Ha. Maybe not.
It's like my heart is gone. Like a massive chunk has been pulled out from me, ripping me into tiny pieces and these pieces have been sewn up all wrong. I feel incomplete and separate.
How are Esme and Carlisle, I wonder sometimes how his job is going? I also wonder if you are even in Ithaca. His job must be different from forks, not so ... Small town and what about Esme? She must be, different. I wonder if she was upset by having to leave me. I miss her too. She is my second mother, she was in some ways a better mother than Renee, and would have been my adoptive mother; I love her too.
My hearts still gone and maybe one day it will slowly stitch itself painfully back into me. I seriously doubt it.
Bella Xxx
Alice,
I saw him. It was a vision and I know why it happened. I saw a few men, who were hanging out with motorbikes and he appeared, warning me to stay back , I could remember exactly how his voice sounded like when he was angry, how he looked and it was amazing. It didn't hurt to look at him or think about him. I walked away and he disappeared.
I tried everything trying to get the visions back, I tried sport, places that were important to us and it all ended in nothing.
Until I nearly got run over , it wasn't even a car but still he appeared ,shouting for me to get out of the way. He looked so relieved after, he said thank you and then once again disappeared.
I don't know Alice, nothing's changed with the dreams. Charlie doesn't bother checking on me anymore because it's all the same now. I hate hurting him but I lost everything not just what he thinks I am losing.
I am losing a whole future.
Bella Xxx
Alice,
I feel a bit more ... Alive. I went down to La Push today and met Jacob Black; an old family friend. He is going to help me repair two old motorbikes for us, it's the only way I can see your brother; danger.
Jacob makes me feel better, he is always smiley and happy and it feels like he is my personal sun. Radiant; and always there. We do homework together and he tastes the food I cook and sometimes I think Jake wants more than friendship but I just can't. He's my best friend now, and I don't think of him like that.
Do you think about me, Alice? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? I think about you all the time and sometimes, just sometimes I think of him. I think of him for a second until I stop myself. I miss you all but, the hole just gets more noticeable everyday and if he ever appears in a vision or hallucination again, I know it won't be hard to think about him. I don't know why, but I am glad I can think of him at all.
Bella Xxx
Alice,
We are still fixing the bikes. I'm glad Charlie doesn't ask me about it. He has a personal vendetta against motorbikes, when I was a lot younger he made me promise never to ride a motorbike; I've broken many of promises through these motorbikes. They look okay and Jake knows what he's doing. He looks about 6 foot now and he has a lot of muscle which is good considering how much the bikes weigh!
I met his high school friends today, Quil and Embry. They're nice apart from the jibe about me being Jake's girlfriend. That hurt a tiny bit. The hole inside me being ready to rip open at a second's notice. Jake threatened them when they said that which was funny and they scarpered pretty quickly.
Does Rosalie still not like me? Does she think I am responsible for her having to move? Does she blame me for how Jasper reacted? That would be...Reasonable. It is my fault in a way, I bet on my grave stone it will say:
'Bella, loving daughter and forever a klutz'
Typical I suppose,
Bella Xxx