Reality Check
"Noooo!" a heartbreakingly girlish shriek escaped into the New York sky late one night. Thankfully its jailbreak was short-lived and the humdrum of the city swiftly gobbled it whole, like a large shark casually breaking the surface of the ocean to swallow its prey.
The epic ninja battle froze as all eyes fell on the source of the inappropriate sound.
"Mikey," Leo sighed with resignation, one katana holding off a tanto a millimetre away from his neck, the other halted in its spirited attempt to decapitate a Foot ninja. "What is your problem now?"
If he could, Leo would have rubbed his forehead at the impending headache but unfortunately he didn't have enough hands. He knew where this was going and he could feel his sanity already slipping away at the inanity about to occur.
Leo eyed his brothers questioningly, the disorder had already struck Mikey. Raphael looked pissed off which made diagnosis difficult, it could be normal Raph anger or extreme-uncharacteristic-asshole level anger. Don was silent, face blank which didn't tell him a thing. With a sigh, Leo began to mentally prepare himself...he would be strong, he would resist the impulsion to suddenly lock himself in their dojo and spend every second of his life training away...
"I can't do this," Michelangelo wailed, hysterically flailing his nun chucks about for emphasis. A few nearby ninja took several discrete steps back. Then a few more. One could never be sure with this turtle. At least the purple one's unpredictability was rooted firmly within the laws of science and logic, the red turtle's lay with his extreme emotions and the blue one's were intertwined with his overblown sense of honour.
"For Pete's sake, we've had this discussion before, Mikey!" Raphael bellowed, mercilessly goring a ninja with his sai. "You're a ninja, get over it and beat the shit out of that fucker!"
"But-but I'm the youngest!" the turtle yelped, "I have blue eyes which means I'm completely innocent in the ways of the world and believe the best of humanity. I'm not cut out for this life! I can't hurt people!"
The assembled Foot ninja slowly began to back up in disgust at the astonishing display of cowardice. Disgruntled mutterings filled the air and provided a soft contrasting ambience to the drama that was playing out between their blood enemies.
"How the fuck do you know you're the youngest!" Raphael roared back. "And seriously-' here Raphael's voice broke in sheer offended outrage, "How can you have grown up with being taught the way of the ninja and retain any form of naivety? What the fuck is this 'innocence' shit you're talking about? Get your crazy ass over here so I can beat a reality check through your dumb skull!"
"Stop it!" Michelangelo hiccupped pathetically, "You don't know what my life's been like, constantly being the only happy one-"
"Actually, given that we've spent just about every moment of our lives together, we do know what your life has been like, strangely enough," Leo cut in with a hard glare, determined now to end the madness. "Also, are you calling us EMOS?"
Unnoticed by the distracted turtles, the Foot ninjas had fully extracted themselves from the battlefield and formed a displeased semi-circle around the arguing terrapins.
"Ahem," the lead ninja said with a disgusted sneer. No one, of course, could see the expression which really made it a wasted effort. "Get the hopeless orange idiot sorted out. Until then, our war is over; we won't battle with such cowardly foes."
With that, the Foot ninja departed. Mikey squawked indignantly to himself - "Hopeless? I'm not hopeless, I'm a tragically misunderstood character," – as his brothers seethed quietly and plotted his death.
Until Donatello gave an awkward cough and said, "Guys? Is this a bad time to mention I'm a pacifist?"
"Don," Leo growled dangerously, "Don't. Even. Start."