Nutter HQ

SUNDAY 18TH SEPTEMBER

10:30 am

Sitting as lonely as a clud in my room once again.

My lovely (pppfffttt yeah right) family decided to go to the park and leave me alone at home, with nothing except half a jammy dodger left in the fridge.

It really is marvy being me. Not.

11 am

Oh Masimo my love, where art thou?

Probably snogging the face off some beautiful Italian girl because you are once again free to snog the world.

Or not?

Who knows? He definitely got to number 10 on the having-the-hump scale; walking away leaving behind the slight feeling that you have been dumped, for sure.

And just because Dave the Laugh challenged him to fisticuffs at dawn over me. Because it has to be said, I had put my big red bottom way up high into Dave's face, and Masimo had noticed.

And he wasn't exactly pleased about it.

So basically, I may or may not have just got myself dumped by a Luuurve God.

1 minuet later

Well he didn't say, "Georgia, you are a tart, you are dumped." did he? He just looked really sad.

I must put my red bottom behind me with a firm hand and stop sounding my cosmic horn, from now on I only have the specific horn for Masimo.

That's if he is still my boyfriend.

Midday

Went out to buy some new lip gloss with the fiver in mutti's coat pocket.

She won't mind.

Unless she notices that is.

2 minuets later

Phone ringing. A ringadinding, and I'm the only one here to answer it.

Sigh.

"Hello?"

"Hey Gee."

Oh dear, Jas is calling me. This only happens once in a blue moon.

And only if she has badger problems.

"Jas my bestest friend, I'm a tad bit busy hoping I still have a boyfriend to hear about your owl troubles."

"You are so rude Georgia, what makes you think I only call you if I have problems?"

"What happened with Tom?"

"He suggested that I cut my fringe."

Good Grief.

"And..."

"I like my fringe."

"So..."

"I don't want to cut my fringe."

"Then..."

"I like my fringe."

And then she started flicking.

I could even hear it down the phone.

"Blimey!"

"Gee."

"Yes?"

"Should I cut my fringe?"

Dear God.

"I'll be over in 5 minuets."

2 minuets later

Making my way to Jas's house.

I need some sane territory before the nutters and my darling sister come home.

Left them a note;

Gone to Jas's, be back before 9.

Gee xx

Not that they'd ever notice. They didn't even realise when I came in this morning, they were too busy shouting the house down.

If they continue fighting like this I may need counselling. In fact, I think I already do.

1 pm

Jas was sitting in her bed with three packs of cheesy snacks around her, and 2 finished ones on the floor.

Oh dear gott in himmel, she wants to kill herself.

She didn't even look up when I came in, instead she just said, "He doesn't like my fringe."

Apparently Tom said, "You like to flick your fringe don't you." And Jas now think that he'll dump her if she doesn't cut it.

"Jas, it was just a matter of time before he said it."

"What do you mean?"

"You like to flick your fringe."

"Well... yes..."

"So, it was just a statement."

"Kind of... yes..."

"So when he said, 'you like to flick your fringe don't you?' he meant, 'you like to flick your fringe don't you' not 'I don't like your fringe, cut it off' Right?"

She has started nodding like her life depends on it, but sniffing at the same time.

Not exactly pleasant.

10 minuets later

Jas doesn't think that Masimo has dumped me. She said that he didn't say it, and if he didn't say it, it means that he didn't dump me, because you need to say "I dump you" to dump someone.

For some strange reason she made sense.

2 minuets later

Hunky called and Jas ran off into the bathroom talking to him in a very girly voice and flicking her fringe like crazy.

A second ago she thought he hated it, now it's all she can do. She really is mad.

I would never talk to the Italian Stallion in that girly voice, he'd just go back to the "you're so cute" thing, and that would make him actually dump me.

Not that I will ever let that happen. From now on, I am sounding my specific horn and only that horn, no more red bottomosity.

4 pm

Jas decided to ditch me and go on a nature walk with Tom.

What a great bestie she is.

She thinks that badgers are more important then me, and she's forced me to go back to nutter headquarters.

When I got home mutti was setting fire to the kitchen, vati was fighting with Angus in tight leather trousers, and Libby was running around in the nuddy pants shouting "Sex Bomb" with mutti's bra on her head.

So basically, everything was normal.

"Georgia, come and get this stupid cat off the couch!"

"Vati, as you can obviously see; Angus has been severely injured, you can at the very least give him the couch."

He went crazy.

"He is your bloody cat! We should have had him put down ages ago, he is mad I tell you completely and utterly mad!"

Yappity, yappity, yap.

"Gee, have you seen a spare fiver anywhere, I had one in my pocket this morning..."

Uh oh, dashing upstairs as fast as my legs can carry me.

1 minuet later

Which isn't very fast at all since I have only eaten a packet of cheesy snacks and half a jammy dodger all day.

Honestly. I might just die of malnutrition.

5:20 pm

Oh my god. The doorbell has rung, and mutti just shouted, "Gee, it's Masimo."

What the hell is he doing here? Oh he's going to break up with me. He's going to actually say the words which would mean that he will actually break up with me, which means that he will be free to roam our little village and snog whoever he wants while I sit at home back in the bed of pain, with a lost cake from the Cake Shop of Luuurve.

I am like a stray camel.

Wow he looks quite possibly like the most gorgy person I have ever seen, his tan is so perfect it scares me.

How could he possibly get any hotter?

Bloody hell. He just looked up to my window and saw me looking at him. I jumped back, like a... erm... jumping thingamajig, and fell really hard on my bottom.

"Georgia, if you want to kill yourself, please do it quietly, there's no need to bring the house down with you!"

15 minuets later

Yes! And triple yes! Masimo said that he was sorry that he over reacted to the whole Dave fiasco, and he wants us to be okay again.

He is the best Luuurve God and boyfriend of all time.

I went downstairs, head up, tongue behind teeth smile, and bum swaying... um... walk thing.

He smiled at me and said, "Ciao Bella. You want to come talk, outside?"

And so we went outside and I said, "I'm sorry about the whole Dave fiasco thing. It was only mad dancing, and he really didn't want to do the whole fisticuffs at dawn thing, we were just mucking around you now, because we're... um... mateios."

He laughed, but I don't think he understood.

Mostly because he said,

"Yes Georgia, we are mates."

Then he said, "I am sorry about Dave. I was a bit upset, but I am not upset anymore. We are okay, sí?!

Anyways, so Masimo didn't dump me, and I am once again officially the girlfriend of my one and only Luuurve god.

So Masimo said that's go get some coffee, and here we are sitting in a coffee shop having coffee.

5 minuets later

Every single girl here is giving me the evils.

How is it my fault that I am irresistible. Even to Luuurve Gods?

1 minuet later

Blimey! Masimo just got the shock of his life when Rosie and Jools stuck their heads against the coffee shop glass with their noses up high against the glass like pigs, and then ran off laughing like fools.

"Your friends Georgia are, how do you say, crazy."

Then he laughed and sort of patted me on the head, but in a caring way.

Oh dear god, he's thinks I'm a little girl.

"Actually, they're not my friends. They... erm... came out of a... erm... crazy whatsit, and I have to look after them because I am... erm... sort of their carer."

Masimo has raised his eyebrows really high.

"Your friends are ill?"

Oh no.

"Sí. Sort of. You know, in the um... brainio."

"Oh dear."

My point exactly.

4 minuets later

Have explained to Masimo that I was just joking when I told him that my friends were mad.

He laughed and told me that I was very funny, but I could tell that he was actually thinking, "My girlfriend is a freak." which frankly would actually be true.

5 minuets later

Blimey oh Riley's under cracks. Me and Masimo were about to go when Dave the Laugh walked into the coffee house.

He saw me – Masimo was facing the other way – and started to do some pretend boxing, the cheek of him.

I laughed, and that caused Masimo to turn around, and he didn't look very thrilled that Dave was there, but Dave walked over anyways.

"Gutten Tag Kittykat, hey Masimo mate."

"Dave, mate."

They both said mate in a weird way, good grief, they better not do the fisticuffs at dawn thing again.

4 minuets later

Dave the Laugh certainly is a laugh.

He actually said to Masimo, "Wow! Where's the handbag mate? D'you loose it?"

I couldn't help but laugh, but Masimo didn't seem to get it, he got up and went to the toilet.

"I am vair tuckered out Kittykat." Dave said.

"Why is that Dave?" I asked.

"Because I am exhausted from fighting with your girlfriend." Dave said.

He really is a cheeky cat type person.

"You didn't fight with him Dave." I said, full of pridenosity.

"I did. In my dream. She was wearing a wedding dress and matching white handbag and started hitting me."

I started laughing, and Dave started laughing, and we just sat there laughing like loons on loon pills.

That's when Masimo came back from the toilet, and he didn't look pleased. He grabbed my hand and said, "Georgia, I take you home."

1 minuet later

Cor! Masimo led me to the motorbike, and then snogged me up to number six on the knutschen scale.

Then we got on the motorbike, and I saw Dave watching us at the window with a weird look on face. Oh no, not Dave the Unlaugh. Ah well, at least I was zooming off with my boyfriend, and not there to take on the wrath of Dave the Unlaugh.

6:15 pm

Got home to have mutti and vati shouting at each other again.

Dad leaving for a while didn't really help anything.

At this rate they could actually be heading down to a divorce, they argue 24/7, not caring that their youngest daughter is only 4 years old, and running around with a gallon of makeup on, and high hills.

What in the name of Gods green earth is wrong with my so-called parents?

A lot, that is what.

So that the end of chapter 1, and just to sum it off I'm going to rant on about it and something or other to do with it.

I've actually already done like 5 chapters of this so it won't take me too long to update, but I didn't want to post them altogether because it kind of ruins the whole concept of it (well for me anyways).

Most of the ideas here are actual things expirenced by me, because it's a hoot and a half when you stock up on sugar and laugh the day away.

I liked STOP IN THE NAME OF PANTS, but I didn't think D. the L. was in it enough so in this Dave's gonna pop up all around the place, because that's face it everyone likes him because he is such a laugh and all. I tried to be as much like Gee as possible but no one can really live up to Louise Rennison level right?

Ohmygiddygod the movie is out on Friday (here in merry old England / Billy Shakepears land) and I'm watching it, I was at the premiere with my boyfriend (The only reason I got there was because my boyfriend knows the person that plays Robbie), we didn't actually see the film but I got everyones autographs which was fab. And I can't wait to see the film on Friday with my mates.

Good Grief, I ramble.

Anyways the nift and gift of things is that it will be updated sooooonnnnn.

AND PLEASE REWEIW.

Roxy.