Disclaimer: The rumors that I own Arty and co (which I spread by the way) hold zero truth.

Grapevine Tragedy

This was his first public appearance since he had returned home.

And with the way things were going, he was most likely going to have to take measures to ensure that it was his last for some time. However, he really could not claim to be surprised of the main topic of converse floating around the room. He had, after all, vanished for roughly three years, and returned abruptly looking as though he had not aged a day. People were bound to talk. There had been rumors flying left and right the entire night, and frankly, whatever patience Artemis had held when he first arrived was long gone.

Even under normal circumstances, he had never held gossiping in any form of fondness. It was, he persisted, a pastime reserved for those too ignorant and too foolish to gather concrete facts. Gossipers were fools, and Artemis Fowl had no time to waste on fools.

Unfortunately though, in this case he did not have a choice.

Or, more accurately, he did have a choice, but it was the sort of choice that came along with an alternative that was decidedly much worse. As painful as having to suffer through an evening of being the object of every (poorly hidden if he may add) conversation, it was much better than being the main focus of tabloids that were already too fixated on him.

Especially when such tabloids insisted that he had, in fact, not returned and the Fowls had adopted some poor orphan off the streets and turned him into their heir. Artemis had never heard of anything more ridiculous. But, based on the staggered reception that he had received upon entering the hall that night, he was the only one who thought so.

Even Butler, dear old Butler who had been rehired as his bodyguard when he showed up at Fowl Manor with the missing Fowl in tow, found such rumors more amusing than ridiculous. His parents, for the most part, simply smiled and shrugged it off with a hug. The only indication that they had ever given of being affected at all by the gossip flying around was their insistence that he attend the Charity Banquet that was being held by one of the main sponsors of their legit business.

Admittedly, if it were up Artemis, he would have remained in his room the entire night, working on his latest project. He was quite close to completing it, just a bit more work and he'd have his next coordinate.

But his parents had shown up at his door only a few hours before the dinner, and had, through a combination of calling forth the guilt that Artemis felt for causing them so much pain and the power invested in them as his parents, persuaded him to attend.

Artemis sighed and took a sip of the cider in his champagne glass. There was so much he could, and would much rather, be doing right now.

"Perhaps smiling every once in a while will make you seem more approachable, Artemis." Butler spoke up from behind Artemis. He had been shadowing Artemis from a respectable distance since they had arrived. Apparently he had deduced that his presence would not scare off any more people than Artemis did just by being himself.

"I do not need to appear approachable, Butler" the genius replied dryly. "I need to get through this evening with my sanity relatively intact."

"Too late for that," he heard the bodyguard say under his breath.

"Hilarious, old friend."

"Joking aside, Artemis, you really should stop biting off the heads of anyone who dares to start a conversation."

"Really, Butler, I would hardly call it 'biting their heads off'." Artemis said, affronted. "It was more like bewildering them before frightening them away with my smile."

Butler sighed. "You are aware that the evening would most likely be a tad more bearable if you actually socialized rather than terrified everyone within ten feet of you?"

Artemis raised an eyebrow. "Of course I am aware of that."

"And?"

"…I would rather not relegate my vocabulary merely for the sake of communication."

The aged bodyguard turned his eyes upward. "I tried."

"It was a noble effort," Artemis encouraged with a smirk. "Doomed from the start, but noble."

"You see how easy it is to hold a conversation with me? Now why not attempt to interact with one of your age groups? And I mean physical age group, not mental."

"I am perfectly fine here, thank you very much."

"No you're not. Go."

"…when Mother suggested that I make a few friends here, Butler, it was just that. A suggestion."

"I am aware of that. Go. Interact. Gripe about adults. Just talk."

"…"

"Or you could dance."

"Excuse me."

Artemis handed his empty glass to a passing waiter and walked away before Butler could elaborate on that little idea.

The bodyguard didn't have the power to force Artemis to dance, and he knew better than to try, but he could go find Artemis's mother and inform her of his brilliant plan. She, unfortunately, did have the power to make him waltz, if she wished. All she had to do was find a girl whose father was one of their main suppliers, introduce her to Artemis, and that would be that. Artemis would be forced to be polite unless he wanted the Fowl Empire to potentially lose the supplier's support.

Artemis had no doubt in his mind that his mother would do this if she deemed it necessary. Which meant that he would have to socialize. Or at least don the guise of doing so.

He carefully made his way over to where several groups of adolescents who were roughly around the age that he should be. As he had anticipated, Butler did not follow him. The bodyguard remained at the other end of the room, where Artemis had parted ways with him. No doubt, he did not want to ruin Artemis's chances of 'connecting with his age group'.

He chose his targets carefully. There was a small group of teens, two boys and one girl, near one of the snack tables that had been set up to last the guests until the actual dinner began. On the other side of the table a bespectacled boy lounged, sneaking crackers of clavier whenever he thought no one was looking. He approached the lone boy.

"Did you know clavier is merely pickled fish eggs?" Artemis informed him once he was close enough.

The boy gave him a confused look. "Er, no…?"

He inched away from the genius, but that was fine. He had served his purpose. To anyone on the other side of the room, it would look like Artemis was talking to the group on the other side of the table.

Satisfied, Artemis took a sip of his new glass of cider. With socializing out of the way, he turned his thoughts towards wondering just how much longer he would be required to stay here. Surely, his parents would not want to spend more than another hour or so here. Perhaps he should help speed things up.

Before he could start planning on how to ensure that he be able to leave this tedious place, the conversation of the group on the other side of the table caught his attention.

"See that boy there?" the tallest boy in the group hissed rather loudly to teens around him.

"Who, him?" The girl with brown, corkscrew curls pointed at a boy that Artemis had briefly spoken to. The boy had migrated to the other end of the table, as far away from Artemis as possible.

"No, that pale one."

Artemis raised an eyebrow at the painting in front of him. Was he truly that pale?

"Oh, him." The blond boy said, already bored with the conversation. "What about him?"

The tall boy replied, with the air of one revealing a huge secret, "He's the one who disappeared for three years!"

Ah, of course. The topic of conversation always had to return to him, didn't it? Normally, Artemis would not mind being the center of everyone's attention, rather he reveled in it. But when the reason behind his fame did not involve some accomplishment of his, he did mind. Very much in fact.

And the worst part was of this was that he could not say anything to delude any of the gossipers. He had thought, long and hard, but everything he had come up with could very easily be twisted around to mean something else. It was better to not risk anything and just let the rumors die out on their own. The grapevine did have an end to it, after all.

"That's him?" The blond sounded a lot more interested now.

"I heard he was being held by the mafia." Brown Corkscrews stated.

The tall boy shook his head. "No, no, he got caught hacking into some president's computer and ended up in prison."

"You sure? I heard he claimed he was abducted by aliens." The blond protested.

These rumors really were preposterous. Artemis began to tune them out, not wanting to waste any more time on this ridiculousness. Though it was his intention to ignore them, his ears still picked up the next part of the chat.

"You're all wrong," A redheaded girl interjected, walking up to the group. Apparently, Artemis hadn't been the only eavesdropping on their conversation. "It was the fairies."

Artemis's grip slackened suddenly, but he managed to recover himself in time to prevent any of the cider spilling onto him. Luckily, the group talking about him had not noticed, being too eager to tear into this new piece of gossip.

"Fairies?" The tall boy asked in a disbelieving tone. "You mean little sparkly bugs with wings and magical dust? Where on earth did you hear that rubbish?"

"You mean you didn't know?" The redhead questioned, smugly. "I thought everyone knew about this."

The blond glared at her. "While you shu—"

He broke off when Brown Corkscrews not-so-discreetly kicked his left ankle.

"While you please tell us what you mean?" She asked in a fake, courteous voice.

"Gladly." The redhead replied, with a politeness that was just as false. She took a sip of her cider, as the rest of the group tried their best to not fidget with impatience.

Once she decided that she had made them wait in anticipation long enough, she spoke. "I heard that after his disappearance, his bodyguard, you know, that Butler fellow, the huge one? Well, he told the Fowls all kinds of little tales about fairies and magic and gold."

Artemis studied the girl out the corner of his eye. She knew far too much, and though it was apparent that she did not actually believe it, she clearly enjoyed spreading this particular rumor. She might be a problem.

"I repeat, that's rubbish." The blond scoffed.

"Where did you hear that?" The tall one asked, looking a bit miffed, most likely about the fact that he hadn't already been aware of this information.

"Classified," the redhead replied smugly.

"Meaning, you made that up." Brown Corkscrews accused, frowning.

"Believe what you want." The redhead goaded sipping her cider.

"I will and I believe that you are making that up."

"I agree." The tall boy nodded in agreement. "Fairies? Who would honestly believe that?"

"You believed the aliens rumor." The redhead said, indicating the blond.

He immediately protested. "I just said that I heard it, I didn't say that I believed it!"

"Do any of us have reliable sources?" Brown Corkscrews said. She added, when the redhead started to speak, "Sources that we can reveal?"

"How are we supposed to know what's true then?" The tall boy asked with a frown.

"You could just ask." Artemis spoke up, startling the group. All four turned towards him, realizing for the first time that he was close enough to hear their conversation quite clearly. His custom vampirc smirk on his face, he continued, "Unless of course, you would rather continue on making baseless assumptions."

He looked pointedly at the redhead as he said this. The girl paled considerably, realizing that he had heard everything that she had said.

"I—" She cut herself off, clearly at a loss for words. Not surprising. Anyone would be thrown off kilter if they were singled out and subjected to that particular smile.

It was to her luck that the host decided then that it was time for dinner, providing all four of them with a perfect excuse to hurry away from there.

They would never know just how close to the truth they had gotten, Artemis thought with a smirk. Truly a tragedy.

FIN