DISCLAIMER - I do not own Harry Potter, Far Side Comics, Remus, Sirius or any of the objects referred to in this story. I repeat, none of it. Except maybe the mould.
AUTHOR's NOTE - Hiiii! Ok, I've been out of fan-fictioning for ages now, so this is my story to get my head in the game, so no yelling please! Constructive criticism is welcome.
This story takes place about a year after the Marauders leave Hogwarts. Sirius and Remus are together (yes, SLASH!!) and living together.
You know, some of these muggle books really are good. You'd think, in a life where you have to wash dishes by hand, finding the fun in ANYTHING would be an impossibility. Yet these "Far Side" comics embrace all I love about humour - women, animals and crude jokes. Fan-flipping-tastic.
Its god-knows-what hour in the morning, and my darling moonikins got back from one of his very important Padfoot-can't-know-what's-going-on-cos-the-world-will-end-if-he-does tasks from Dumbles about 20 minutes ago, after being gone for 3 weeks. 3 weeks!!
So you'd think that moonikins would be desperate for a bit of the ol' padfoot. But apparently its not hygienic to have sex in a room that has mould 21 days old in it. Really. He's such a prude. Its not like the stuff was moving or anything. Much. It was just a bit... green... But moonikins, bless his cotton socks, can't deal with a light dusting of mould across counters, and so is attacking the stuff with his feather duster of doom.
After the Hoover Incident of 1979, I am not allowed to participate in any cleaning activities, so I think Rem gave me this comic and to prevent me causing any further mess. Really, as if I could be messy. Unthinkable.
I think I may have been a tad heavy with the gin in my coke anyway. I'm feeling all woozy... Ok, Padfoot, focus. Come on, if you fall asleep now, there will be no sex with Moony. No rolling in the hay. No bouncing on the balloon. No reading in the pantry.
Focus on the comic. Lets see...ooh look, a list of fears. Anatidaephobia: The fear that somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you. Ooh, deep. Although, now that you say it...Hagrid doesn't keep ducks, does he? You can never be too careful, might be an idea to get Moons to check under the bed tonight...
This next one looks quite interesting. Hehehehe...
"Hey, Moons!" I shout across the common room, putting my comic on my lap haphazardly. "Guess what? I'm a Luposlipaphobic!"
"I'm sorry, what?" I hear Rem question, and I smirk knowingly, beckoning him over. The mere fact he comes over without a fuss is quite sweet. Not a smart move, however. He should be a bit less trusting. Tut tut. He perches on the side of my chair, leaning over to see the comic, but I snap it shut rapidly, and pull him into my lap, much to his pissed-offiness. "Pads!"
"Oh stop being such a prude. You know you love it. Now no peeking, Mr Lupin, wouldn't want you to become a Luposlipaphobe too!"
"Luposlipaphobe? Pads, you know as well as I do that is just a meaningless word that you have made up in the last 5 minutes to annoy me."
"No! It means something, honest Moonykins! All is revealed in this little book." I pat my copy of 'far side - best of' lovingly, hugging it to my chest.
"Well then, let me see." I kick my shoes off quietly.
"Oh no no, Mr Moony, Mr Padfoot does believe he will keep it from you for now. However, Mr Padfoot does also believe that he am currently suffering from Luposlipaphobia, and is quite unsure of what to do about it."
"Mr Moony does believe Mr Padfoot is being a plonker by talking in the third person."
"Mr Padfoot will kindly tell Mr Moony to sod off."
"Mr Mo- oh this is just stupid. You want to conquer your fear, yes? Well the best way to conquer a fear is to face it head on."
"Face it head on, you say? So would that be, like, making it happen?" Mwahahaha, he has fallen straight into my trap! Foolish boy.
"Pads, where the hell is this going?" Ladies and Gentlemen, a little known fact is that Remus Lupin does not have the patience of the saint that he is famous for if you manage to goad him into a temper at 3AM. "Give me the magazine."
"NEVERRRR!!" I cry loudly, throwing moony off my lap and running, arms flailing, into the kitchen of our poky flat.
Another often overlooked fact - when werewolves are thrown off someone's lap and said person then runs away, arms flailing, they are likely to chase after them. At least this has been my experience, with a certain, tawny wolfie. I spin around bouncily to see that Remmie is acting as expected, chasing after me with an exasperated look.
To the kitchen!! Mwahahahaha, face the fear head on, you say? Well, Mr Moony, if you do insist...
This mission would be much easier if we had a bigger kitchen. As it is, our poky flat lacks the space to truly conquer my fear, but I will make do! I flee to the other side of the room, putting the table between myself and the approaching, sexy werewolf.
You know, seeing him all hot and frustrated like this makes it incredibly difficult to keep to task. He looks way too good like this, it should be illegal, all feral and whatnot.
"Pads" ooh, he sounds all breathy, and ever so slightly annoyed. I wonder why... "what the hell are you doing?" I decide not to answer as he makes a dart around the table, trying to distract me with his sexiness. I dart to the other side, just as quickly, and he growls a little in annoyance, baring his teeth playfully. How very dare he! Well, I'm afraid it's time to beat him at his own sexy game...
"Why grandma, what big teeth you have!" I caw loudly, skipping and dodging my way around the table, all the while flipping my way casually through the comic.
"All the better to eat you with" I do love that fairytale... I don't think Moony is all that keen on it, mind! "Now, Pads, you can either give me the magazine now and save us both the hassle of running around this room, or this can be War."
"WAR!! Huh, what is it goood for?" I yell enthusiastically, bouncing on the tips of my toes. "Do you even need to ask what I'm going to choose, Moons?"
And, like that, the two of us break into a run, lapping around the room frantically. With all his wolfy power, Remmikins is a lot faster than me, and as tempting as it is to turn into my doggy self, I only need to be in front for a few laps.
I spin rapidly, letting Remus run into me and knock both of us to the floor. Using his momentum I roll us rapidly, putting me on the top of the Maraudering pile, and kiss him passionately to shut up his babbled apology at running into me. I roll my forehead onto his briefly, letting both of us catch our breaths.
"Thank you, Mr Moony." I say, kissing him deeply once more. "I do believe you have helped me conquer my Luposlipaphobia. I am forever in your debt." I hand him my comic book, smile cockily, and listen to him read the description aloud.
"Luposlipaphobia — the fear of being pursued by timber wolves around a kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly-waxed floor" My smile spreads from ear to ear at my fantastic wit. This was a flawless excuse to get myself on top of my Moons.
"Pads, I'm not a timber wolf". Ok, maybe not quite flawless...
"Depends what you mean by a timber wolf. You can resemble a hard wooden object at times."
"This isn't a newly waxed floor, and you're not wearing socks."
"..." Damn him
"You haven't thought this through, have you?"
"Your beauty astounded me to a level where all rational thought is disregarded in favour of finding ways to get into your pants." I bear my teeth and growl slightly as he rolls himself above me. Ooh, kinky!
"How lovely." Remus laughs, straddling me in the most fantastic way "You sure know how to make a man feel special".
"I don't need to make you "feel" special, because you are special. The most fantasmical, most amazingest person in the world." See, I can do fluffy! Fluffy and lovely and never-said-whilst-sober.
"Could you be more of a woman? I don't know if you've noticed, pads, but I'm gay, you don't need to get in touch with your feminine side for me."
"Ohh, but I was enjoying it! I lurrrrve you, my big scary timber-wolf."
"Love you too Pads, love you too."
So, love it, hate it? have any requests? et cetera... I'm not happy with the ending, I'll probably fix it at a later date.