A/N: submitted for the Ring of fire challenge, prompt: "Wait, what?Seriously. and the "A vairiety of prompts competition, prompt: newspaper article." Victor's accent has improved in four years.

"Wait, what? Seriously?"

Poor Harry looked massively bewildered, though Hermione wasn't sure if this was because simply because he was being told that she and Ron were breaking up, or more that she and Ron were telling him simultaneously and that neither of them looked like they'd been hexed in anger. Probably the second: living with the arguments of her and Ron, and having a girlfriend with a particular fondness for bat bogeys tended to give one a slightly warped view of how relationships worked.

"Yes Harry, we are serious. We've tried this for seventh months now, and, to be honest, we think we were better friends. There's something missing," she replied.

"Um what? Because, guys, the noises I heard last night were a bit more than simply "Friendly"", retorted Harry. "Ron even chewed me out over how I was treating you yesterday. I thought that meant it was set in stone."

"You deserved that one, Harry! You've got a bloody guilt complex about everything else, so why you thought boasting about how the events at Malfoy Manor were a good thing I do not know!"

"Anyway, " Ron interjected, noticing her voice becoming slightly too shrill. "Hermione and I had a chat last night, and we realised we were both, well, feeling iffy about this. So we are calling it off. And, we thought it might be a good idea to tell you first, seeing as you might notice when Hermione starts actually sleeping in the room we've been telling Mum is hers."

"Aaargh bad images. I am sorry, Hermione. It's just that well, I thought you two would have it out in a massive argument and it would be awkward if this happened. How you managed to sit down together and discuss it, I don't understand"

"Well, Hermione basically pinned me down and made me talk. It was mean. I mean, talking about feelings. I need a manly pint or something."

Hermione grinned. Ron's description, whilst technically accurate, was a bit censored to meet Harry's delicate sensibilities. Last night had been excellent. Well, after the argument with Harry anyway. She'd stormed out of the pub, and Ron had stayed, and she'd been upset he wasn't supporting her, until he appeared ten minutes later and told her that he'd yelled at Harry for making light of her torture. Well, obviously that had pleased her, and she'd kind of jumped him. Only slightly, honest.

A while after jumping him, when they had stopped panting, she rolled over, looked at him, and said: "we need to talk, Ron." He winced, as she assumed was normal for a male on hearing those words, but he nodded.

"You not feeling it either?"

"No, love, I'm sorry. I mean, the sex is great."

"The sex is bloody brilliant!"

"Ok, yes, actually it is. But that's it really, isn't it. We can be friends, but I don't think we have the deep caring we need in the right way."

"Nah. I mean, I think I love you, but I'm not in love with you. And you are never telling Harry I said the word love."

"Right, glad that's sorted."

"Um, Hermione, we should probably talk about other things. Like, what happens now. But to do that, could you, um, untie my wrists from this bloody bed?"

She giggled. Ooops. "Sorry Ron. I obviously wanted a captive audience. Finite incantantem."

He sat up a bit, and grinned back. "I don't mind. As I said, the sex is bloody brilliant."

"But we have to stop."

"Yeah, but do you know where I can get a girl who does stuff like you. I mean, I know you read it in a book and all. Maybe a Ravenclaw. Or a Slytherin?"

Hermione nearly fell off the bed laughing. "Ronald Weasley, I can't believe the thing that made you get over your Slytherin hatred was the idea they might be good in bed! And, for Merlin's sake,keep it in your pants for a couple of weeks at least! Otherwise I'm going to get lots of jilted lover stories in the Daily Gossip. Oh, and stay away from Lavender. I'm not being passed over for her twice!"

"Hey, why do you get to naysay on potential ladies for me?

"Because I'm still your friend, will have to see them regularly and she would be insufferable about it. For that matter, leave Veelas alone too. One impossibly beautiful woman to meet regularly is enough."

"Fair enough. Maybe. But I get to dictate as well. Not Harry."

"Ew. He's like my brother. And ginny would kill me. As would your mother. Oh, bugger, what will your mum think?"

"Mum will fuss. But she'll get over it. She probably was worried you weren't domestic enough anyway. No changing the subject. Hmm, list of boys that are a no."

"A list? I gave you one specific. And what do you mean not domestic? I kept you fed in that tent."

"And an entire subspecies. Don't quibble other half of the list is not my brothers. I mean, Bill is married, but the others are supposed to be catches or something."

"Catches? Such a modest family. I don't think that'll be a problem, as George is too depressed, Percy is too like me: and Charlie is not my type. Too muscly."

"You have a type? I thought there was only me."

"And Victor you prat.I like lanky men, Ok."

"Ah Yes, how's Vicky?"

"Shut up and go to sleep."

"Hermione?"

She came out of her memory to find Harry's hand wafted in front of her face." Hermione? You know its not polite to drift off into blissful smiles on breaking up with someone."

"Ooops, sorry boys. What were you saying?"

"I was persuading Harry that our friendship isn't going to vanish now."

"Oh don't worry about that. If it could survive seven years of the sodding dark lord, I think it can survive seven months of hot sex."

"AAAARGH my ears."

"Wait, What? Seriously?"

"It's true Victor. See, it says here in the paper. Which, before you protest, has actually improved slightly from the last time you were in Britain."

"Vell, it can't have got worse. Give it here."

Romance of Potter Pals putters to a halt.

Pairing of the sidekick and the brains fizzles out. Who does Miss Granger have in her sights next?

Regular readers of my column will know that I like to keep an eye on a certain muggleborn and her doings after the events of the ill fated triwizard tournament four years ago. At the age of fifteen she had snared two of the champions into her net: the Boy-who-lived-again and the Bulgarian national seeker. However, since the war she has been seen gadding about with the youngest Weasley son, a close friend of Mr. Potter, but their nauseatingly close relationship, rumoured to have begun on the battlefield has recently been less affectionate and much more platonic. Whether this is due to Miss Granger's growing disillusionment with the life of an Auror's girlfriend on Auror wages, I cannot be sure, but today the couple told me in person that they are, no longer in fact, a couple. They claim they wish to remain friends, though we shall see how long this lasts as Miss Granger scrambles around for her next celebrity partner. This column brought to you by the nation's favourite columnist, Rita Skeeter.

"Mama, I thought you said it had improved? This is disgusting! I thought Hermione had managed to stop her. She must be so upset. Why do you show me this?"

"Because a mother knows, Son. Your first thought was for her. I've heard so much about the girl. I want to meet her. She is free, she is older now, she is not in a war. Write to her Victor, and hope she remembers."

"Yes Mama."

Dear Hermione,

I hope you will forgive my long absence in writing to you, but I am aware conditions have been hard for us both. Please, I hope you will consent to resume communications, and perhaps meet one day.

Yours,

Victor.