CHAPTER ONE

DUDLEY RETARDED

Harry Potter was lying on his back in a flower bed outside the living room window.

His jeans were pulled down.

He was about two seconds away from coming when a gunshot broke the silence.

Harry was going to finish; he ejaculated. His cum shot onto Uncle Vernon's face, sticking his head out of the window, and the resultant facial made Aunt Petunia scream.

Uncle Vernon choked Harry.

"Fucking — put — it — away!" Uncle Vernon snarled. "Wanker! Before — fucking — someone — sees!"

"Get — the — fuck — off — me!" Harry gasped.

"What the fuck are you doing?" asked Uncle Vernon.

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" said Harry.

Aunt Petunia looked pissed.

"What were you doing under our window?"

"Looking at porn," said Harry.

"Again?"

"Well, I'm horny, you see," said Harry.

Harry strode off toward the park.

Harry caught up with Dudley.

"Hey, Small D!"

"Eat a dick."

"So who've you been gang raping tonight?"

"Faggot was checking me out."

"Yeah? You like that, you fucking retard?"

"Think you're bad, mutie?" Dudley said.

"I got a Big Dick."

"I heard you fapping in your bed," said Dudley. "Moaning."

"What's it to you, bitch?" Harry said.

"Who's Cedric — your fuck buddy?"

Harry put a knife to Dudley's throat.

"Put that shit down!"

"I could kill you if I wanted to."

The night was suddenly pitch-black.

"W-what are you d-doing? R-rape!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"R-rape!"

"I said shut the fuck up!"

"I'll c-call the police!" Dudley whimpered.

"Will you please shut the hell up?" Harry hissed.

WHAM!

A fist made contact with Harry's dick.

"You dumbass, Dudley!" Harry yelled.

A hooded figure was gliding toward him, smacking its lips.

The demanter reached for him.

Harry's wand was limp.

The demanter's fingers were closing on his cock.

He was never going to fuck again —

"EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

A demanter was crouching over Dudley, lowering its head toward his chode about to blow him.…

The demanter was an inch in when the silver stag mounted it.

Dudley lay traumatized.

Mrs. Schizo came into sight.

"Obama's a nigger!" she shrieked.