Note: I have been going back and forth between going to post this and not. The disorder spoken about is one I have experience with, but not to this extent.
Ric and Serena had spent several evenings with the other over the past five weeks - having meals, enjoying the company, kissing, but nothing more.
They had both silently decided they wanted to be sober for their first time as lovers and this had been a perfect night. He had taken her to a nice, small restaurant for their evening meal where they both stayed on non-alcoholic beverages, not questioning the choices. Neither had said it but they were certain within moments of entering Ric's home that this would be when their relationship became more.
She liked his house, it was becoming familiar to her so much so that she navigated herself into the living room without the lights being switched on while he closed the door. Her house was more homely as she and Eleanor liked to keep all their bits and pieces from holidays and years gone by. Unlike Ric's clean, empty space which contained nothing resembling throws over sofas like she did.
Flirting was easy for her, it had been the basis of their first kiss after he had been grumpy for a whole day on AAU with her. She had jokingly asked if a kiss would make it better to which he refused an answer to. Later, his mood had not altered so she did as planned without warning in the small office. It began as only pressing her lips to his cheek but when they caught the other's eye they could not pull away.
Yes, flirting was easy for her, romance and anything bordering on love was different.
Nerves were close to getting the better of her as he flicked the lightswitch and found her leaning against the mantelpiece. He placed his arms around her her waist, linking his fingers at the base of her spine as their lips met.
As he removed her teal-coloured jacket and placed it on the back of a dining room chair he looked back at her, "You are beautiful."
"No." Serena did not usually argue when he lavished her with compliments as she could tell that he believed it. She was still trying to get used to being doted on but for his sake she allowed it most of the time.
"You are." He sighed as she pushed away, simply wanting to love her instead of having to repeatedly break down the walls she built around herself.
"Really? You think that? So you believe this is beautiful," she asked, her voice rising as she unbuttoned her blouse to a point below her breastbone. Sliding the material over her shoulders and down to her elbows she turned around slowly. She was too frustrated to become self-conscious of showing her bra, what she would reveal to him would drag his eyes away from that anyway.
The tops of her arms, chest and upper quadrants of her back were littered with scars of various sizes, some almost perfectly circular whilst others were longer and more rectangular. Using his medical knowledge he knew they were several years old, many were fading to almost nothing. On her arms however there was more than just scarring, a number of small wounds looked very recent having not had time for her white blood cells to promote creation of a protective scab over the deep gashes.
This had not been the way she intended to show or tell him. If anything he would have seen them in the darkness as he undressed her, and she would have let him come to his own conclusions until she found the courage. Not like this; under the harsh ceiling lights where he could see every little defect.
"I have Dermatillomania."
Met by a blank stare when she returned to face him, she couldn't tell if he was confused or just not speaking, "Come on Ric, use your head, you know deep down what that word means."
"You have a compulsion to pick or scratch at your skin." He had only met a handful of patients with the disorder and would never have considered Serena to have it.
Doing up her buttons she sat down on the sofa, anger dissipating as she took a deep breath. One hand was playing with her necklace, almost pulling it off as she tried to ignore the feelings she was having now. Although it would no doubt spoil the wonderful partnership they had, he had to know the truth.
"I was diagnosed at 18 after things got bad at high school, I went through all kinds of drugs to reduce the pleasure it gave and antidepressants in an attempt to prevent the thoughts. It continued for three more years and I was doing well, got off the happy pills a little while later. I got my life together, got my degrees, had Ellie and then Edward left. The only reason both times for his cheating and ultimately his leaving had to be my fault, and I started to notice all my flaws again."
Sitting down on the footstool in front of her, Ric shook his head, "Edward was an idiot plus an alcoholic, that was the reason for his actions."
"That's sweet Ric and I tried going with that theory the first time but for him to repeat it... It is me. He hated the scars, missionary position all the way so my back wasn't seen and if he looked at my face - or more often the headboard - he didn't complain about my chest or arms."
"Is it just those areas?" She knew what he was getting at, the most common site for Dermatillomania patients was the face.
"In the beginning I did, but not to a huge extent, attack my cheeks; my face is not a great concern. I know I can cover up most of it with layers of foundation and concealer. That doesn't work well on areas which are red-raw from scrubbing in the shower already."
"Your mother's diagnosis-" One of the first things he had noticed on his return to Holby was the increase in products she was visibly using.
"Didn't help; it is my release from the stress so she gets ill and I scratch harder. Ric, I have this one condition, I never once cut or self-harmed in any other way, I don't have BDD and I am only as vain as the next 'normal' person; it is a cycle of quelling my anxiety before it then causes the anxiety to build again."
Saying it out loud made her wonder once again why she carried out the actions; she knew it was ridiculous but when she stood in front of a mirror doing such it felt right. She had always felt that wiping out the imperfections permanently would make her more content - since she had not achieved that yet, the thoughts continued to plague the back of her mind.
"And the cherry on top for a sufferer of this condition is that I have the kind of skin which keeps scars for decades."
He could sense her growing increasingly anxious about their discussion, and watched as she stopped toying with her jewellery and dug her thumbnail into the palm of her other. She did not break the skin yet it looked like she was unaware of what she was doing. It was the disorder at it's finest - she would either be completely switched off from how she was harming herself, or she stood in the bathroom searching for the flaws for hours before attempting to claw it out.
Separating her hands so that he was holding one in each of his he stroked across the soft skin while staring at the woman opposite. "You are beautiful."
She wanted to act strong, get angry and distance themselves, his horror at her was plain to see in his eyes. "Stop saying that! Run away like I know you want to."
He pressed his lips against hers as she came to the end of her sentence. He pulled her nearer before loosening her shirt and breaking their mouth contact. She had shut her eyes tightly at the touch but was surprised when she felt contact being made to the flesh below her collar. There was a large patch of scars exactly where his mouth had been placed - which was from her time as a newly single parent to a small screaming child when she found a lot of irritation from non-existent allergies. He followed a trail of the markings with his lips as his tongue softly stroked them. The white tissue was not hugely paler than her natural complexion but they became incredibly easy to see at close proximity.
Nobody had touched those parts of her gently without being a medical practitioner ensuring she was not seriously damaging herself. Certainly not making it feel as lovingly as he was.
"I am not running away, Serena."
"Why?" She managed to ask that without her voice cracking which she was surprised by. Looking at his face was misleading, all she could see was concern where there should be the disgust - he deserved better and she tried her hardest to make out bad emotions from his adoration.
"They make you who you are, I may not like the thought of you hurting and I intend to help you. Without your history, you probably wouldn't have become the woman I fell in love with." Ric used the side of his finger to wipe away the tears from the corner of her eyes that had finally escaped.
"It may have been before your time but I had my problems too. You don't just stop being an addict to whatever once gave us pleasure." They had spoken about his gambling a few times in Albie's prior to them being more than friends but it had been brief, nothing about how part of him still wanted to sink into that world.
In truth her injuries terrified him but not because he did not want to be with someone with them; rather he worried about where it could have led if she had not sought help.
"You manage though, you don't need dragged down by me." He could not bear the idea of being this unhappy as soon as she got home after they had went for drinks or food; had he known he would have held her tighter and not let go until she was in a better frame of mind.
"You aren't going downhill from here, you know you have a problem which is the first step in healing it, even if you have been at this stage before. You are stuck with me."
"Have I told you that I love you, because I do. You are the kindest soul on the planet and for some reason tolerate me. I want to stop Ric but I just don't know how." Tears threatened to spill again but she controlled them this time, Ric would not have minded her crying but she wanted to prove to herself she could change her behaviour.
"We will figure that out." He promised, sitting beside her on the sofa, embracing her softly and pressing kisses to the side of her head. She relaxed into the hug and knew that he would be able to feel her let out a few gasping sobs as she came to terms with the fact she had someone to support her.
After a long while holding on to each other she kissed Ric as sincerely as she could, letting him sense everything that coursed through her at any given moment, but most of all to expose her love. She changed position so that they were now face to face as she sat on his thighs, her knees bent under her on either side. Their mouths were attached to the other's, knowing that their future as a couple had the chance of being rewarding to both.
She could feel Ric being careful where he placed his fingers; he had no issue touching the scars but he did not want to cause any discomfort with the fresh cuts. When their lips weren't together his was all over her torso, again in his mind the only off-limit area was where she could let an infection in by.
They would move upstairs to his bedroom when they were ready for that later the same night. He would take his time to convey how beautiful she was to him - he knew she would only improve when she felt in herself nothing was wrong but encouragement was preferable to whatever Edward had put her through. Serena planned to show how she really, truly appreciated and loved him. It would be a continuation of the physical connection they had found in their partner, and they wanted that almost as much as the mental and emotional bond they were establishing.